It didn’t take long to identify a villain. It was the guy in the front row – the one with an unfamiliar accent and a bald head. The one who raised his hand and asked our traffic school instructor, a former cop named Fred, to confirm his belief that someone in need of a policeman should simply call the nearest donut shop.
And so began a grizzly, excruciating eight-house day during which I learned once and for all that everyone in the whole world (except for you and me) is a fucking idiot. To support that contention, I offer a sampling of balls-to-the-wall stupidity put on display by my traffic school classmates Saturday:
• When informed by Fred that an estimated one in every 13 cars on the road has a handgun on board, Stupid Question Guy in the front row said, “I doubt it. Listen, whatever is said here stays here, so everyone raise your hand if you have a gun in your car.” We were sitting in a courtroom, as was a deputy sheriff.
• While discussing the difference between a motor cop and a patrol cop, Stupid Question Guy raised his hand and asked, “Is it true that if you need a policeman in an emergency you should call the nearest donut shop?”
• “Can a pregnant woman drive in the carpool lane?”
• Question: “What causes traffic accidents?” Answer from the back of the room: “Cars.”
• Question: “Can two drinks impair your driving?” Answer from Stupid Question Guy: “Depends how you’re holding them.”
• While Fred was detailing the various physical factors that can contribute to accidents, he mentioned color blindness as a possibility. He then said that such impairment is not often a problem because we all know that a standard traffic light has a red light on top, a yellow light in the middle and a green light on the bottom. Some stoner near the back wall asks, “What if you’re dyslexic?”
As the collective dipshittedness of the gathered offenders began to evolve, I couldn’t help but wisecrack about it to the guy behind me – the one with emanating the stank of unbrushed teeth and the tragically worn Birkenstocks that smelled like the feet of a dead rhino. I have to tell you that the humor was switched on Saturday; I was cracking myself up. But this stinky bastard barely cracked a smile, which ultimately motivated me to say to him, “Look, dude. We’re gonna be here all day and it’ll be a lot easier for both of us if you laugh at my jokes and agree that each is a pearl of comedic brilliance.”
He never came around but I think I know why. There was a woman sitting at the end of his row – late 30s, blond, moderately attractive in her low-cut sun dress and Lisa Loeb reading glasses. Throughout the day this woman inadvertently entertained the men nearby by masturbating virtually every part of her body except the part one normally associates with masturbation. Her shoulders, her thighs, her feet, her scalp. All day.
But even a self-massaging woman couldn’t distract me from the issues. On one side of the room was an instructor who began his eight-hour ego bomb with this nugget: “If there’s one thing you remember from this class today let it be this: never, ever get into a head-on collision. You won’t survive it.”
And on the other side of the room was a gathering of some of the dimmest minds this side of The White House, each of whom was searching for some loophole in common sense, some hole in reality that would let them break the laws of traffic and/or physics. To wit:
“If a cop pulls you over for speeding and you tell him it’s a street you’ve never driven on before, will you still get a ticket?”
I left the courtroom that day with only one question. Is there such a thing as felony ignorance?
Hey, stupidity is job security for an ER doc. But, really think about it, everyone of those brilliant folks DROVE there and then DROVE away. How scary is that??
If I had a blog, I would write about the stupidity of tourists in NYC. Do people leave their brains/common sense at home when they go on vacation?
There is no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people asking what they think are good questions.
Yikes! Isn't it great that these people have drivers' licenses!?!
Scarier still..... these folks are pro-creating. We need to shock the gene pool and get rid of the shallow swimmers.
In the words of the mighty Bill Engvall, "here's your sign."
@ mdvelazquez
There is already an excellent website of insane things New Yorkers say.
Tell me you didn't grin just a little bit at the 'depends how you hold them' crack? Marvellous that you have the ability to get through 8 hours of such mindnumbing dimness by searching for the humour.
There should be, and it should be punishable by death.
Okay, "Depends how you’re holding them" is actually pretty hilarious. If it wasn't so damned scary.
oh my, check out this terrible news story about young children, this really scares me. http://www.mypetpeeves.com/plog/index.php/archives/2436
You are stupid question guy, right? ;-P
oh, if only...if only...
Traffic school online!!! No idiots in the room, except maybe the one taking it.
Sounds excruciating. You have my sympathy.
Pearl of wisdom I remember from traffic school - if you're a habitual traffic offender or chronic speeder, don't get personalized license plates. the guy in front of me had something witty like MRSPEEDY or FUPIGS, I forget which. Said he got nabbed almost everytime he was on the road. Imagine that.
I've actually pondered this one: “Can a pregnant woman drive in the carpool lane?”
I had to smile at this one:
“Depends how you’re holding them.”
If there is a silver lining to this it's that you had a tiny bit of entertainment.
www.TasteLikeCrazy.com
I'm having Breakfast Club visions in my head. Did the stinky bastard spend any length of time shaking his dandruff onto the table in front of him?
If I were that sheriff, that dumbass bald guy would have been shot dead. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that asshole is galactically sutpid!
it is the Truman show. they were all actors, they were there to make sure that you never, ever brake any traffic laws again.
What is this unfamiliar accent with which you speak?
See? This is why, in my perfect world compulsory euthanasia would be introduced to cull the twits who couldn't be put to work as crash test dummies.
hey, watch it m. housewife. Some of us are ally sheedy.
beyond that - I'm shocked at the folks I meet every damned day. Forget being locked up with them for eight straigh hours in the looney bin. AAAHHHH!!! where's my pepper spray?!
Bossy needs some pliers to uncross her eyes.
@ zeekster: I love Overheard in New York. Thanks.
FYI: I'm red-green colorblind, and while it normally isn't a problem as I know where the lights are on the stoplights, when I first moved to Houston I had a real problem as most of the lights are horizontal. I almost ran a few red lights while my wife screamed at me to stop. I did eventually get used to the sideways lights however.
Love the vision of the self-massaging lady. Too funny.
Those of us in the biz call it "felony stupid." Wish it were actually a citable offense. Although we'd have to find a sizable piece of land to house the blithering idiots once convicted... The proper answer the question "what causes (a lot of) traffic accidents" is actually a term we call "HUA" or "head up ass." At least you have a funny story out of it. The one time I went to traffic school, I was 17 and I'm not sure the instructor's qualifications, but he basically did his views of politics and other non humorous jibber-jabber all day. If there's ever a next time, it will be "comedy" traffic school.
Haaaaaahaha! How entertained you must have been! LMAO! I am kinda curious about he pregnant woman in the carpool lane though! LOL!
Finally, one of my Facebook quotes finds an application:
"Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity."
Lazarus Long (Roberts Heinlein)
I was always suspicious as a kid of that maxim, "No such thing as a stupid question." And yet, I want my kids to believe it because I want them to be able to ask anything. But it's like a belief in Santa Claus: there's an age at which it's no longer cute. Full-on adults should have that notion dispelled for them if they haven't grown out of it all on their own.
One in two Texans' is packing so chances are that after Cheeto ran the red light and hit you, he'd bust a cap in your ass for fucking up the Borne Brush Guard on the front of his F-250.
Wow... talk about the need for Defensive Driving; looking out for all the idiots on the road.
One of which actually DID crash into me head-on. Obviously, I survived.... but I sure was pissed that she was going so fast she jumped a median to plow into me!
Well, according to my high school auto shop teacher there is such a thing as a stupid question: "the unasked one."
This post makes me feel so much better about the prospect of dragging my ass to traffic school in the next few months. Blog fodder, indeed.