A few days ago I got a credit card bill for $2200 from a home improvement warehouse store. Seems I went to stores in two different locations – each many miles from Evans World Headquarters – and purchased an upright vacuum, an indoor water cooler, a portable air conditioner, a case of Gatorade and something loosely defined as “cutlery.”
I studied the bill curiously. My name. My address. Looked legit. But I don’t shop at that store, don’t have a credit card for it, and I would never even consider applying for a card that charges 22% interest because I know Hot Wife, Queen of Fiscal Responsibility, would kick my balls into my chest cavity for such a reckless vandalization of our pristine credit score.
I called the customer service number on the bill and was directed to a lovely representative named Rosita.
“I think someone’s trying to fuck with me, Rosita.”
“Beg pardon, sir?”
“Forgive me,” I said. “I curse a lot when I’m…well…I curse a lot. I’m calling because I just got a bill with my name on it for purchases I did not make with a card I don’t have.”
Rosita asked me to confirm my name, address, date of birth, Social Security Number, mother’s maiden name, preference for Gatorade flavors (orange, by a mile) and whether I am now or ever have been a member of the communist party, the Mickey Mouse Club or Weight Watchers. As I responded, I could hear her acrylic fingernails abusing a computer keyboard.
“OK, Mr. Evans,” she said. “In addition to the card about which you’ve called, it appears as though you have made purchases with a credit card from a large warehouse superstore from which one might buy an 18-pack of Chef Boyardee ravioli cans. Also, you applied for and received a car loan.”
“A CAR LOAN?!”
“Yes, sir, Mr. Evans.”
“Rosita, I don’t know to which religious faith you adhere, but I want you to pick that faith’s most precious preciousness and picture it in your head. Can you see it?”
“Yes.”
“OK. Good. Whatever that image is, I swear to it that I did not apply for a car loan. Nor did I spend ‘two large’ on cutlery and Gatorade. You have to believe me. I’ve been the victim of identity theft and we both know it.”
“Please hold, Mr. Evans.”
Suddenly I’m listening to Lawrence Welk’s Greatest Hits (quite an oxymoron there if you ask me). Forty-five seconds elapsed before Rosita returned to the line, and let me tell you: forty-five seconds feels like an eternity when all you have to listen to is the music they use to relax people in the psych ward just before they administer the electric shock treatments.
“Mr. Evans?”
“Hi, Rosita. I missed you.”
“Yes, thank you, sir. We have reviewed our records and closed the accounts in question. We have initiated our own investigation into this matter and we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.”
“Thanks, Rosita,” I said. “I appreciate your help. But can I ask you one question?”
“What’s that, sir?”
“What kind of car did I buy?”
“Hmmm. [fingernails clicking again.] It says here you bought a Honda Odyssey.”
“A minivan!? What kind of dumb-ass steals someone’s identity to buy a family car? And you know what else, Rosita? This reflects negatively on ME! I mean if you’re going to steal from me and obliterate my credit, at least have the decency to spend it on something cool, like drugs or hookers or a black market bazooka. But a minivan? God, I feel so used.”
Gasp! How horrible! I'm glad they're investigating, but I'm TRULY impressed with you keeping your sense of humor. I found myself laughing at your post, but feeling guilty about laughing because of the shitty circumstances.
Holy crap, man, are you serious? That's just about my worst nightmare... except than my credit's shot to Hell anyway. Good luck with the investigation. Bastards.
PS- the image of Hot Wife kicking your balls into your chest made me laugh. Not 'cause it's you- it was just funny. Thanks for always making my day.
Shitty...some peoples children and a mini van...terrible choice.
A guy double swiped my credit card one time and maxed out on car parts, nudie bars and his rent...bright.
Someone stole my sister's info when she was barely 18 and spent it on some leather lingerie and other S&M equipment. She had some explaining to do when that bill came. Luckily my parents realized that it probably wasn't her purchasing those things, but it doesn't stop them from teasing her about her secret life to this day.
Danny, I'm sure you're well aware of this already, but Identity theft is some really serious crap. Make sure and get in touch with the big credit agencies (TransUnion, etc.) to make sure there aren't any other outstanding cards. You also need to report this to them to prevent future new cards from being taken out.
Visa, MasterCard, and Discovery all have programs where you can ban 'yourself' from opening new credit cards for up to one year.
I'm really sorry this happened, man. Something similar hit me about a year ago and it turned into a tiny nightmare. :(
Good luck.
I hate to be the voice of reason here but .. you may have given away the farm. How could Store A check that you've opened an account at Store B and also check random other purchases? Macy's can't even find the stuff I ordered from them, let alone where I get my Boy-o-boy-are-dee!?!
You'd better tell Hot Wife what happened. She'll know what to do. But I hope you didn't give away your social and bank info to, um, professionals ...
Just sayin'.
Danny, you need to call equifax, and every other credit company that you can. My mother (yes, Mother) gave out my SS# to someone who said they were from Victoria Secrets. They said she won free panties and lotion after filling out some sort of sweep stakes. Mom said you must mean my daughter, she has a VS card. They said to get this gift, we need her SS number, and faster than you can say free, she handed it out.
I hate this for you, but at least it was a car, my mother sold my soul to the devil for a free pair of panties.
Glad you got this right away.
Yikes, thats terrible! Good thing you called asap! Bastards!
What company did you call and how did they know about all of these cards, car loans, etc? Was it a credit agency?
So sorry this happened to you. How scary. I hope you get it resolved quickly. :(
Oh crap... your identity was stolen and all someone bought you was a lousy minivan?
My friend just had this happen last week. However, it was her bank account that got hit. Someone how someone got a debit card or card number or something of hers. She found her account a LOT in the negative and went to find out why. Someone bought an Xbox360 and other gaming things, as well as hitting up Bed, Bath and Beyond. When she called the stores, in another state, they said a big white guy made the purchases. She is short and black. lol She is still trying to get it straightened out. Call the credit agencies and the police department to file a report, if you haven't already.
You better hope that's the end of it, but don't rely on that. File a police report so that if further shit happens, you can give them some paperwork... seriously, take some precautionary steps because it can get worse.
For what it's worth, identity theft is different from credit card fraud. I just had someone steal my credit card number - the card never left me - a waiter at a restaurant was stealing and selling the numbers as he got them when customers paid the bill. (Funny that folks are afraid to shop online, but we got hit by going to a local place and charging our meal). The thief who bought the number off the waiter spent $400 at a WalMart in Texas.
That's the "good kind", because all credit card fraud requires is blocking the card, and getting the bank to refund your fraudulent charges. I was lucky, more or less.
Identity theft is a whole 'nother thing. Sounds like you have some work to do. I hope it goes smoothly, or that the next person that steals your identity does it with more pizazz.
Get a credit update asap. My father's identity was stolen in 1999 and it was several years before everything was finally acounted for (and the grand total for the theft ended up being close to 100,000). I would check out your wife's credit as well as your children too.
Hey, don't leave the investigation in the hands of the credit card company. File a police report with your local jurisdiction. I cannot tell you how many ID theft reports we take a week (in the SF Bay Area) under these same circumstances. Put a fraud alert on your SSN with the credit bureaus. Only thing that sucks about that is if you are trying to actually purchase anything yourself, like a car, house, etc... Will make it VERY difficult. Also, your local PD can get in contact with the jurisdiction where the card was used and maybe get some nice video of the bastards. I'm willing to bet it is probably not the first (or last) time they have done this to someone. And I hate to tell you, but the lady you talked to sounds a bit suspect too... They are usually very tight lipped about the info until PD gets involved, then they don't want to tell us anything either. I'd be suspicious and act fast.
oh, one other thing that might make you feel better... I doubt it but it's a funny story... a friend of mine who was trying to get his citizenship (after being here for freakin' ever) got a visit from the FBI because someone, actually a whole shitload of people, were using his SSN to illegally get work. Didn't look good for him trying to get citizenship so he could become a cop. LOL but it got worked out.
It happened to us! Get a police report. Some collection agencies require a copy of it if you dispute a bill. We needed 3. Call the credit companies and they can set you up with a way that NO NEW accounts can be set up without a password or another way of verifying that its you. Good Luck!!
This is why I make sure my credit sucks.
way lame of that faux-Danny
I get to keep the van though, right?
Oh man, some poor guy really needed to feed his non-toothed family who had to use cultlery on their Chef Boyardee before cramming them into a minivan... Sad. I found you at the Blogger's Choice Awards where you are nominated for Best Humor Blog. Now, I'm not one to gush, but yours is the best blog nominee i've come by. Why not add a brag abdge to get more votes than the one I'm giving you? The codes on the page where people can go to vote for you! Cheers and good luck!
Also go to the DMV and check that your records haven't been compromised. Imagine my surprise when I went to get a glasses restriction taken off my record and I had two failure to appears and a warrant. Took me two months to get it straightened out.
Love the blog!
This is terrible. I can't imagine the reactions that went on in your household. What did Hot Wife have to say about it?
We "bought" some furniture and a limo ride with our mystery credit card.
Good luck with getting that cleaned up. Our experience was 14 years ago and it still shows up when we try to purchase anything large.
That's the joy of having no credit, no one wants my identity.
Hey...thanks for the minivan, the Gatorade, and the Kick Ass new paring knives!
(You do know I'm joking, right? Because if my ass gets hauled into jail at 3 am, I'm not gonna be very happy!)
hey, will you ask that guy to buy me a laptop and some web design while he's at it? I've got needs!
Bummer! I wouldn't have your sense of humor - but please do follow everyone's helpful hints...I used to work at a bank and you don't want to mess around with this - good luck!
No joke, I had fraud on a Visa account of mine several years ago. The first purchase to tip me off was for 10 vibrators! Yes, 10 vibrators, assorted colors and water-proof-ability, being sent to somewhere in the far east. Only, it is illegal to ship to the country they were having the merchandise shipped to (can't recall what country it was), so the company told me they wouldn't guarantee the items would get there. Oh, I'm so sad - just don't ship them, it's fraud! The perpetrators added some hooker clothes and a few other electronics to the bill before the card was cancelled. Fun times! ;)
first-time commenter delurking to tell you that a friend of mine and I were both recent victims of identity theft. I received a letter the other day from a company called Certegy which is an authorization services company for US retailers. A rogue employee stole some information and sold it to some folks. Certegy thinks that the information was sold to direct marketing firms, which it probably was, but apparently a couple people were unfortunately picked to screw over totally. I don't know if your case is related but on www.certegy.com they have a link to a press release about the incident. You might want to contact them to see if you were involved.
Holy shit, Danny! I had a CC stolen in college (a school custodian went into my purse when to the Ladies') and they bought cheap-ass clothes from one of those "Everything's $10" stores - CLASSY.
You've gotten a lot of great advice from everyone so far so I don't have anything to add except that it probably wouldn't hurt to also contact your bank and mortgage company just to let them know that something is up.
It takes some pretty fluffy huevos to buy a car on someone else's dime. It wouldn't surprise me to see them trying to buy even bigger items in the future. Let's hope its some lube for their future cell mate. :)
Hey Danny,
Man, what a fuckstain. Anyway, check with your home insurance as well. A lot of insurance companies have built in identity theft protection that will either,
a. Pay an identity theft restoration company to do all the legwork for you, up to $25,000
or
b. Reimburse you for the lost wages, attorney fees, etc., for up to $25,000
I hope that helps.
xo
Crystal
This post just makes me glad I ruined my credit all on my own and don't have to worry about thieves jacking with it. I'd feel so dirty and used. Wait, that might not be so bad....