Pray for me because by the time you read this I will be hurtling toward Northern California to visit Wondersis and her spawn.

Pray for me because said hurtlage will be hurtled in a minivan.

Pray for me because there will be two children in the minivan with Hot Wife and me, one who will be seven next month and the other age four.

Pray for me because the estimated time of hurtlage from Orange County to San Francisco is sixish hours (elevenish if Hot Wife's driving), which allows plenty of time for the children to do the kinds of things children are supposed to do when they’re cooped up in a hurtling minivan. For example, throw a DEFCON 1 spaz because we won’t stop at every rest stop between The Grapevine and the In-N-Out Burger in Bakersfield.

Pray for me because when I talked to my little niece (Wondersis’ daughter) on the phone last night she told me she couldn’t wait to show me a new game she and her brother invented. It’s called Fire-Poo.© To play this game, one needs a plate of nachos with a big dollop of sour cream. As I understand it, you’re supposed to scoop up a glob of sour cream with your right index and middle fingers, hold it high in the air as though you’re about to throw it at someone, and then scream, “FIRE-POOOOOO!”©

Pray for me because a drunk Wondersis is a very scary Wondersis indeed.

Pray for me because when my son and nephew get together they get all fired up and loopy, and in such times they like to release their combined aggression all over my crotchial region. Could be a very long ride home.

Pray for me because my son has been sick for the past couple of days – fever, malaise, etc. He’s better now but you just KNOW that same little asshole germ is floating around in one of our bodies, just waiting for us to head out on the road before it attacks. If you’re reading this, Mr. Little Asshole Germ, don’t even fucking start. I’ve killed meaner germs than you and I’ll kill again. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well do ya?

Pray for me because we put a new tire – yes, just one – on the minivan last weekend. We bought the tire at Costco. Membership does have its privileges, but here’s hoping one of them isn’t vehicular manslaughter.

Comments

I'm prayin' for ya, but ummm, you don't have a portable DVD player? That's just Traveling With Small Children Suicide right there, my friend.

Oh, and hey, with your height advantage, you should kick ass at Fire-Poo. Use every available trick when fighting for your life.

I'm praying for you.

relax, you'll be fine.

I'm praying for you because that drive is one of the worst drives in the country. And I've done some bad ones. I've done the drive from SF to Chicago and Chicago to AZ. And let me tell you, there are a lot of boring states in there. (I'm talking to you Nebraska!)

It doesn't get much worse than The Grapevine in the summer.

we just drove ours from Chattanooga to Ft. Lauderdale. more than 6 hours, my friend. many more. they were actually pretty good- try dramamine, and plenty of snacks and not too much to drink. we also had crayons and coloring books and for some reason that totally was ok with them... good luck!!

we just drove ours from Chattanooga to Ft. Lauderdale. more than 6 hours, my friend. many more. they were actually pretty good- try dramamine, and plenty of snacks and not too much to drink. we also had crayons and coloring books and for some reason that totally was ok with them... good luck!!

I think things will work out better than you think they will! We'll wait for your post-vacation post to see if that is true.

Good vibes sent your way!

(And we regularly travel from CT to Florida with 3 kids 5 and under, so I feel your pain!)

Pray for YOU? Dudes, pray for ME!

A tire from costco, you are brave DMG. Was is made in China too? If so you'll need more than prayer.

Good Luck WS.

I will pray for Hot Wife who will have to put up with DGM and Wondersis (smile) J/K You know I love both of you. You are hilarious!!

are we there yet. are we there yet. are we there yet. are we there YET? are we... Stop looking at me... there yet? mommmmm, brother is poking my left eyeball with his elbow. are we there yet. are we there yet. are we... Danny, for god's sakes, STOP ASKING ME THAT!!

OMG, do I miss the In-and-Out Burger. Holy shit that makes me miss the West coast. And want a double-double animal style.

Oh, that drive is terrible. I remember doing it as a kid. In summer. Up the Grapevine with no AC. I have no idea how any of us survived those trips.

Good luck to ya.

I just got back from a three day road trip with my own spawn. I don't want to reveal my location (because if I did, then I'd have to kill you) but suffice it to say, the stretch of road we travelled has to be the most boring stretch of road in existence. Anywhere. And I would bet on that. But we survived, even in our bucket of a minivan.

After sixish hours of driving, think of all you have to look forward to. Most importantly, Fire-Poo and a drunk sister. Rawk on!

I'll pray for you mostly because I will be suffering the same fate in one day's time. I will also be hurtling in a minivan with two small children towards Northern California (albeit from Reno and not from So Cal). I've already called ahead and asked that they have drinks ready when we get there.

(oh and also? we will be sporting TWO new tires, and ours are from WALMART. Hold me.)

i'm quasi-delurking("quasi" because i may have commented before, but i don't remember because i have the memory of a 200 year old Alzheimer's patient - what were we talking about then, sonny?) to say that i will be praying for you. however when i first read this, i read "north california" as "north carolina", & while i know Wondersis lives in Cali, this did not edit my reading handicap. i felt sad for you. i even felt scared for you. but now, not as much.
so, i guess what i'm saying is, be thankful it's not north carolina you're driving to.
on the other hand...

I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

Godspeed Danny. Godspeed.

I don't feel sorry for you. You get to go SAN FRANCISCO, my favorite city. Plus you don't have to pay for a hotel room. That said, I have a traveling with kids tip for you.
Get a Rubbermaid type tote with lid for each kid. Fill with books, crayons,and toys they like that are"car-doable". But most important each kid gets a Walkman and headphones with kid books-on-tape, song tapes like anything by Joe Scruggs, and you will have hours of silence. Also look for those car games on cardboard like bingo etc. I drove from Atlanta up the east coast to Niagara Falls the across Canada to Vancouver Island then back across the U.S. from Washington state to Atlanta and had a great time with no hassles. Oh, and my kids were 3 and 4 1/2 at the time. We took trips every year and those buckets of tapes and toys did the trick.

Well have tons of fun on your little hurling. I wish you no sickness and much fun! :)

You mean there are rest areas between the Grapevine and Bakersfield?

We just got back from our first driving trip (from CT to D.C.) We rented a mini van, bought a portable DVD player and loaded up on all kinds of books, crayons, grapes, cookies, games for the DS and the Gameboy and tons of movies. So the 6 hour drive there was cake. (BTW, 2 boys 8 & 3 and they fight like its deathmatch)...
Good luck!

Yo, if anyone here even mentions kid music without the name Enzo Garcia, we're gonna have to pray for YOU... Please, some respect. Yes, books on tape; yes, crayons; yes, DVDs; other music, maybe...

And, yes DGM is paying for a hotel. You want us all to survive the trip, don't you?

Oy sorry but LMAO.

All my prayers are with you.

May the force be with you, Dad Gone Mad.

We traveled from Alabama to Hilton Head with my two year old a couple of months ago. Just three words: Scooby Doo DVDs. He was happy as a clam and I got to relive my childhood Saturday mornings.

The man and I are about to make the trip with the 11 y/o boy from AL to Louisville, KY. 6 hours - we just bought a portable DVD player to go with the boy's portable CD player and PSP. If all else fails, we'll try a double-dose of benadryl.

"Are we there yet?" Aarrgghhh!!! Thank God there aren't 2 of them!

check out this pretty crazy parenting news story. http://www.mypetpeeves.com/plog/index.php/archives/2791

Just be thankful it's not an 11 and a half hour plane ride.

You need more than prayers for that - more like animal sacrifices to Oprah and her demon friend Dora

Dude,

Just did an 8-hour'er with a 3 yr old and a 4 month old. Worst 16 hours of my life! And no amount of planning can alleviate it the ensuing hell. And OH, but GOD bless those people at the DOT Safety places that want our kids in carseats at all time. If I ever get a few minutes alone with one of them in an elevator...GAME ON!

Pussy.

Try Plano, TX to Plano, TX via Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Bakersfield, Monterey CA, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota (Mt. Rushmore) and a few more states. With four kids (3-10), and a hot wife, and pesky GPS talking thingy. In 17 days.

Pure freaking hell, and I wouldn't trade one moment of it. :)

Though I'll pray for you on that pesky germ thing...

And DO stop at the In-and-Out.

A drunk Wondersis...

Guys, you have NO idea how scary she is when drunk. And I love every minute of it!

Danny - Can I please be your ghost writer while you're away? I have a wonderful style: totally perverse sex stories written in bloated legalese. Your ad revenue will go through the fucking ceiling.

Ad revenue? Does that mean every time I go to DGM you make some money from the ads. If so I will check-in several times a day. So let me know!

And Wondersis, my kids are in Grad school now so I haven't heard of Enzo Garcia. But if he is a fave with your kids I say woohoo!

but psycho, you look so young in your comments....

That was quite a funny read! I've taken over my wife's blog for the moment, so I will say that I always drive because of the time differences in reaching our destination. I do not like trying to keep a kid calm from the passenger seat! Great blog, I am going to link you on my wife's: kidtricks.blogspot.com. Best regards,

-Dennis

You're driving to NC from CA???? Do you have a deathwish, DGM? Yer comin' to mah neck o' the woods, be sure to git you some North Carolina BBQ.

Well, maybe not. It's pork. Sorry about that!

All I can say is... Dayenu...
Good luck!

We drove with the two dd's the 12 hour trip to the Florida Keys a few years back (there's a reason we didn't do it again here). Between endless screaming and bathroom breaks and kid nuttiness - I thought my mom (who did most of the driving) would have an aneurism. I don't think we're planning another one until the kids can drive!