I thought we had it all figured out. I thought we had reached an imaginary black belt in parenthood – a level of experience at which we were prepared for everything. We’ve become so adept at diffusing tantrums, coercing cooperation, soothing scraped knees and wounded pride that a certain level of arrogance was beginning to build. I hadn’t seen that until this afternoon.

I thought we were infallible. Impervious. It was as if a cushion had formed around us – a shield from the world and the shit that belonged to nameless, faceless people in the newspaper. We were above the fray. We couldn’t be touched. We were complacent, safe, better.

How foolish.

Tonight we had to tell our son that his friend was killed.

A six-year-old girl. And her father. Car wreck. Head-on collision.

We never considered this. Never let ourselves go there. Kids can’t die. They can’t. Death is for the elderly. The frail. The sick. The unknown. Death is not for little girls. Death is not for children.

Death is not for children.

Our blanket of safety and infallibility and complacency is in tatters. Like the frayed edges of an American flag atop a skyscraper. Our son. His friend. Death.

“She was so cute,” he said. “And pretty.”

Death is not for children.

When you are a parent, reality is your enemy. You don’t want to believe. You can’t. Not me. Not my kids. We’re different. We’re immune. We’re better. No. We are not. It could happen tomorrow. Will it? To us? No. That’s not reality. Death is for the others. Death is for the unknown.

“I can’t believe she died,” he said. “How did she die?”

He starts baseball practice again tomorrow. He’s so excited. Baseball. Spitting. Dirt. It’s a boy’s game. It’s carefree exuberance. It’s what boys are supposed to do.

I have a son. I have a daughter.

Death is not for children.

Comments

There are no words. My thoughts are with you as your comfort your son.

Why do kids have to find out this early that the world isn't always perfect? It would be wonderful for them to be innocent just a little while longer.

I'm just so sorry.

it's not right, when my younngest was born, he had a kidney problem that needed surgery to correct, we spent some time living in Ronald Mcdonald house after his surgery, and due to a few complications after, we came as close as i want to, to losing him. He is fine now, and 9, but some of kids and families we met were not so lucky, those kids never made it this far.
Thoughts and prayers with you all.

It's shocking to read this. I can't imagine how awful it is to have to face it head on. I would offer my sympathy, but that seems so inadequate. As an adult my consciousness of death was just... well, present. It's natural. Now, as a parent of a ten month old, my perspective has shifted so much. It is unthinkable. Unconscionable. And most definitely not for children.

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry. There's nothing else I can say.

How difficult for your son, in particular--it's illusion-shattering the first time death punches a whole through your bubble. But, it's part of the deal, as you say. I'm so very sorry he has to face it so early.

That really sucks. I'm sorry.

I'm so very sorry. Death touches everyone eventually. Its so sad that he had to face it at such a young age. He has you and mom with him to help him through this difficult time.

Danny, almost exactly one year ago, I had to tell my step-children that one of their closest friends had died. He was a 12 year old boy and his death was so very very tragic. I also had to hold together my partner and his ex-wife as they were overwhelmed with the sadness of the death of such a young person. It has been a challenging year to say the least. The best thing we did was get family counselling/grief counselling for ALL of us immediately. It was good not only for the children as they need to process their own grief and their own questions as to why he had to do what he did, but it helped us as parents understand what we would be dealing with as adults as we supported the children through their grief and questions and let us deal with our own grief. Nothing can prepare you for the death of someone so young and full of promise, but there are people there to help and to lean on when you need. I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

DGM I am so sorry, huggles to you and your family for your grief and to the family that had the loss.

I'm so very sorry. Little ones shouldn't have to know about the bad stuff yet. This is just terrible all around. My thoughts and prayers are with you and with your son's friend's family.

I've been lurking and laughing here for a while now. A Dad's perspective has been so refreshing and hilarious at times. Today, as I was contemplating how much I would like to send DD1 to a military school, I thought I would surf around to some of my favorite entertaining sites. Instead, you hit me with this heavy stuff and now I feel all guilty and angry at myself for not counting my blessings. Sometimes, the "blogging fates" just seem to know what we need instead of giving us what we ask for.

Thanks for the reminder. My sympathies go out to your family and your son, and especially to the family feeling the loss so directly. Now I have to go and make up with my kid...

Danny, I'm so sorry. We've not been down that path just yet with the kids, but they've lost some adults already. It's jarring, sometimes, to watch kids grieve, because they do it in fits and starts. I'm sure you did great in breaking the news, and I'm sure you'll continue to do great in supporting him through processing this.

That is so tragic. My deepest condolenses to that family.

And you are right, death is not for children. Sadly, I held my child in my arms and watched her die. I don't know what I will tell my son when he is old enough to know he had a sister. It still brings me to my knees to think about it two years after the fact.

I'm so sorry for your little guy. Losing a friend just makes no sense, at any age, but especially when you're that young.

I also said a little prayer for the family of that little girl and her Dad. I can't even imagine what they must be going through--that is my greatest fear, as it is every parent's.

It's just so senseless.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope he is taking it well. When I was young, I had trouble processing and understanding death.

It is shocking whenever you hear that a child has died because we always see children as 'the future', we expect them to precede us.

Sorry again, my condolences to the family.

My deepest condolences to you and your little champ.

When I was about 8, I had a classmate pass. Our teacher read us Bridge to Tarabithia after to kind of help guide us through things. I know they recently turned it into a movie, and even though the book is better (in my humble opinion), perhaps letting champ see the movie since he is younger might help.

Dreadful, just dreadful. We will all hold our own children just that little bit tighter tonight. My thoughts are with you and your son's friend's family.

My thoughts are with all of you touched by this horrible tragedy.

It is horribly tragic when they die so young. In 3rd grade, a friend of mine, one of her two sisters, and her grandparents were killed in a car accident. Our class made a quilt to remember her, and I remember it being a good way to work through what had happened, even at such a young age. Perhaps your son can do something to remember his friend as well.

My deepest sympathies to your family and the surviving mother and family. Unfortunately once I entered the world of childhood cancer, death of children is too common in my life...I need to take off my shoes to count.

Oh my heavens, I am so sorry for your loss and for your child's loss, and for how incredibly difficult that must have been. 6 is far too young to have to deal with such things.

If it is any consolation, I lost a friend to a freak accident when I was 12 -- he died on the playground during recess, and we all watched. It was horrifying.

BUT --
1) It made my elementary school class REALLY close, and a lot niceer to each other, even to this day (we all went on to jr high and high school together).
2) It taught me about the preciousness of life, even though I did not realize that lesson until many years later, I do think that losing somebody so young and so quickly had a huge impact on me.

Hugs to you and yours,
Jessica

Danny that was a beautiful post. Many people have given you some great ideas about grief and mourning, from your posts I can tell your are the kind of dad that will make the decision that is best for Champ to heal. Death really brings out the "thinker" in the children, especially the death of a good friend. Your friends and family are in my prayers.

Heartbreaking. A few years ago, one of my daughter's classmates was run over and killed in the school parking lot by another parent. Telling her a friend had died was so hard. I feel for you and for everyone involved.

My oldest son's best friend was shot and killed in front of him in December. At 18 years old, Adam had an awful time coming to grips with not only the fact that this kid he grew up with was dead, but that he watched it happen and couldn't do anything to stop it. You are so right - death is not for children. Of any age. My condolences to your son and his friend's family.

I am so sorry. This is so tragic.

It's not just a parenting arrogance, but also a western arrogance that makes us think we can handle it all. We are insulated from the death of children that daily rips parents' hearts out in other parts of the world. Sudan. Ethiopia. Iraq. Those parents must be either incredibly strong or incredibly malleable. What they go through would shatter me.

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. In a time when nothing makes sense, having stable and loving parents will make the world of difference for your son.

Oh, I'm so very, very, sorry! All of you and their families will be in my prayers.

I am so sorry.

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry -- that this girl died and that your son has to deal with that and that you had to explain it.

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry -- that this girl died and that your son has to deal with that and that you had to explain it.

I am so sorry, Danny. So, so sorry. My thoughts are with your family and theirs.

Death is not for children! I bet that was hard for you and your family. Death is not fair!

DGM, I am so sorry.
As hard as it was to tell him, and I can't even imagine, I'm sure you did a wonderful job.
My heart goes out to his friend's family and to yours as well.

I am so sorry

Oyvey. Bossy has to go put herself to bed now.

how utterly sucky. That is such a lousy thing to have to deal with - just the reality of it - without having to involve your kids too. Our son's friend was diagnosed with leukemia last year and we had to explain it... and just had so hard a time with it ourselves, let alone the idea of it to him.

I'm so sorry. So terribly sorry for you and your family, for this little girl and her family, for everyone who has experienced loss.

Danny,
I too have had to watch my children suffer the loss of friends, two of them to car wrecks and one to leukemia. It is so very hard to see them try to come to grips with such tragedy. My children were in high school and college at those times, but it is never easy. Even at that age, they are still *children* and no, death is not for them. My sympathies to you and your son, and of course to the family of your son's friend.

I am so sorry. It is heartbreaking to hear this. It is very hard because I have 3 kids under the age of 9. I ask God to watch over them each day. My sympathies to your family and the little girls family.

my biggest fear is something happening to my son. Two family members at once. Wow that's tuff. Well written DGM.

Danny,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your family, as well as the family that suffered the losses. I have a hard enough time dealing with death myself, I can't imagine what it will be like when it comes time for me to explain it to my daughter, or my son-one-day. My thoughts and prayers go out for all of you.

DGM: it is totally unnatural for a parent to bury a child. It's something parents should never have to do, and I can't possibly understand the personal strength it takes to keep moving forward after doing so. It's one of the great mysteries that life - even in the face of such loss - keeps moving forward.

I'm so sorry. It's hard to find the words to explain such a thing to a child. :( You have a way with words, though, and you and your wife are wonderful, caring parents, so at least your son has you to lean on as he figures out how to process what has happened to his friend. I'll be thinking about her family and hoping they find the strength to grieve and learn to move forward.

This is why I couldn't go back to my job after having kids - pediatric homecare is very, very depressing but it's worse when you have little ones because you don't ever want to have to face the reality that they are not immortal. It sucks. Death sucks.

Wow. I am so sorry - for that family, for your son, for you, for having to face that and try to explain and comfort. I can't think of anyone reading this and not being hit hard, in a soft spot. What a terrible reminder of our own fragility.

yeah.

i got nothin'.

i'll send white light to you and yours and the other family ... lots of white light.

Oh yeah, and because it's what I do, perhaps this will help:

http://mommyblogstoronto.blogspot.com/2006/12/books-for-discussing-bereavement-with.html

It's a list of books on bereavement for children.

I'm so sorry, kids shouldn't die. I have 2 young boys of my own I have to go hug now and thank God every day that they are with me. Your family and the family of those 2 lost souls are in my prayers.

So selfish. Children die every day not from awful accident but disease starvation and war, but you only weep when dies someone you know. when it are your children who do not understand the death.i feel sorry for americans who only care about themself

so, so sorry. this is really hard. sending healing thoughts out to all who are touched by this.

Nobody wants to go through what that mother/wife and other family memebers and friends are going through. It's something we always try to keep pushed at the very back of our minds, but are so harshly reminded of time and agian. I feel a little flutter in my heart everytime I send my kids off in a car with or without me inside. You may feel confident in your driving ability, but that's why they are called accidents and too often are caused by careless or drunk/high drivers.
Today I read an e-mail from a co-worker and when I started reading, I felt like celebrating. Another co-workers wife had their baby on Sunday, but the little creature only lived 24 hours. Everyone go home and hug your kids extra tight tonight and thank God you have had one more day to spend with them.

That's tough brother. Thankfully kids are pretty resiliant and bounce back quickly. Offering a prayer for you and your son.

As a therapist, I had led grief groups for children, and thought I had a good handle on working through the whole death and dying stuff with kids.

Then my own child was diagnosed with cancer, and we spent our lives in the hospital, on the oncology floor, a sea of bald children with dark circles around their eyes.

Im thankful that he is doing well now, but we lost most of his friends. You never get used to seeing tiny white caskets.

My heart goes out to you as you teach your son about this part of life, and as you grieve yourself, over the loss of friends, the loss of life, and the loss of innocence.

Ill keep you all in my prayers.

How terrible. I'm sorry. I don't know what I can say this would be of any importance except that I'm sure you handled it well. What a terrible thing to have to tell a child...

When my oldest daughter entered first grade one of her friends was killed, in the stadium parking lot, on the opening day of the season after a Braves game. The class planted a memorial garden at the school next to their bldg. It is still tended today by the first grade classes. It really helped the kids deal with the finality of their friend's life.

So, so sad. So, so sorry. I hope this is something we won't have to deal with for a long, long time. I suppose it doesn't make it any easier to explain even when they are older. We, as adults, can't understand it either.

I am so sorry Danny...

Over the past several months, we have had to deal with death alot. All of a sudden, and way to often. Trying to explain that to a 4 yr old wasn't easy. Trying to explain it to a 4 yr old when even you don't understand it all, is even harder.

Last week, we lost a dear friend and a proud soldier in Afghanistan. My daughter had to watch me fall apart over and over again. She kept touching my chest and telling me that he wasn't gone, he just lives "in here" now.

We also lost a grandmother and an aunt within the past few months, and it really hasn't been easy on her. She is very apprehensive about NOT doing things that are dangerous or could be dangerous (she wants me to drive the speed limit, not to drive in the rain, she is skiddish about airplanes, and other things that have never been a concern before).

I wish there was a "right way" to approach death with children.

My thoughts are with you and your family. As a child, I lost my cousin to cancer (we were both 6). My parents read the book "The Fall of Freddy the Leaf" to me and my sister. As a teacher, I love this book as it is a wonderful way to explain life and death to children in a way they can understand.

I'm so sorry, Danny.

I am so sorry. our thoughts are with you and the little girl's family tonight...

I just don't know what to say. My heart goes out to your family, and to the family of your son's friend and her dad. It's so easy to go around thinking nothing will happen to us. In fact, it's almost necessary that we think that way, because to focus constantly on our mortality would likely render us unable to function. But this type of reminder is like a punch in the gut. I'm thankful that you and your wife will be able to help your son deal with his feelings as he processes this unimaginable, awful event. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

It's hard enough to explain to a child that their great-grandpa passed away, but to tell them that someone their own age is gone...unfathomable.

A girl in the class below me was killed when I was 18. The whole school was devastated and stunned. For probably the first time in our self-centered lives, we were forced to look at our mortality. But we were nearly adults. We weren't 7. It's so hard to wrap your brain around something you don't understand...

I'm sure you handled it the best way for your son. You rock in that dad department always. Prayers will be said for you all.

No matter how you lose a child, whether through illness, accident, or violence; or your relationship to them...the loss of any child, anywhere is a horrible, terrible thing.
Just reading this made me catch my breath because every parent wants to think their children are immortal.
Thank you for such a touching post. I'm going to give my two monkeys another kiss now...

Aw. Oh.

P&PTs to your son, you, and that family.

We are privileged to live a life in which death is NOT for children. In so many lives, in so many places, it is. But here, where we are so privileged to create a real rockwellian childhood for our beautiful children, in whom we can foster innocence, naivete, and hope...those reminders of reality...those are tough.

Hugs to all of you, for what today wrought in you.

julie

Danny,

Your writing is extraordinarily powerful. My eyes filled with tears, and chills went down my spine, as I read this post while waiting in line at our local Mexican grill. And it wasnt the first time I had learned of this tragedy.

I don't think I knew the family that died. But I do know yours, and didn't realize you knew them. I'm so sorry you had to destroy a little portion of Champ's innocence.

On a selfish level, I'm so glad I don't have to explain this to Ava since she and the little girl were in differnt classes. Just for today she gets to think that death is what happens to old people, and need not be feared by sweet little children.

So very sorry to hear that.

A loss of a life is tragic; a loss of a child is just unimaginable

I have never cried reading a blog. Today that changed. Im so sad about this. :(.......

It's a topic that is so difficult to deal with, especially children. But that's life...

I'm so very sorry, Danny.

This is one of the most vivid and powerful pieces you've written to date.

So much to say, but I can't. You are good parents and will find the right words to comfort you son.

My daughter's 3rd grade teacher died of cancer and I remember my daughter saying "But I wanted her to get better." She didn't understand why, up to then, she had been given everything she wanted but not her teacher's recovery. My 8 yr old daughter got up and spoke during the funeral, as did several students. I sat in the pew and cried as much for my daughter's lost innocence as for the woman I'd only known through parent/teacher conferences.

That's so terrible. I could never imagine having to try to explain that to a child. I'm sure that at some point, I'll need to, but damn...that's terrible.

My first brush with death was my freshman year in college. A good friend of mine went to Holy Cross, up in Massachusetts, and ended up being beaten to death in a drunken fight. I couldn't imagine what his parents went through, or his sister. I knew what I went through...I pray that this little girl's mother and siblings will make it through this...

I am so very sorry.

My first funeral was when I was six years old. It was for my best friend, Rebecca Goldstein. She dropped dead one day from a heart condition. I still remember my mom sitting me on her lap to tell me. I still remember changing into my dress for the funeral in the school bathroom before my mom came to pick me up. I still remember that I was so distraught at the synagogue I couldn't go to the cemetery. I still remember Rebecca and the stickers we used to trade.

I am 31 now. And crying.

I'm a new mom. This scares the shit out of me.

Sorry. Please tell son-gone-sad that I am sorry about the lost of his friend and to always remember the good times. My thoughts are with you and HW as you ry to help answer the "whys".

I bawled while I read your blog and following comments today. I'm still bawling. I am so very sorry, Danny. As parents we try our best to insulate our children whom we love so much from all the things that hurt. But sometimes these things sneak up on us and hit us so hard. I am so sorry your son has to deal with death so young, I can't imagine trying to explain death to my two young kids, let alone losing one of them. Many prayers for you and your family, and also for the friend's family.

Oh, Danny, this is a tough one. The days ahead will be filled with questions, bewilderment and grief. Then, healing.

An excellent grief resource is the Center for Attitudinal Healing. I am not sure exactly where you live, but I pulled up the site just so you could have a look and see if there is a center or a facilitator near you. They are wonderful, caring people who are trained to help families--especially children--deal with grief and loss.

http://www.localcommunities.org/servlet/lc_ProcServ/dbpage=page&GID=01004011550947263615155189&PG=01010011550957121461056287

I hold you all in my heart.

Lisa

My heart just broke reading that. I'm so sorry your son had to learn about death so early. When my daughter was nine, I had to tell her that her dad died. That was hard, but there is nothing harder than losing a child. No, children should never die. I'm praying for the mom, I'm actually feeling sick for her. Hugs to the champ.

I am so sorry, it's just not supposed to happen that way.

That REALLY sucks. My only advice is to be honest with your children about what happened. Talk about it until he doesn't have any more questions. Reassure your son that it doesn't mean he's going to die too (apparently a common fear in kids, I hear). Use whatever belief system your family has to explain what will happen now that his friend is gone. Just please be honest with your kids. I know some people think it is easier to candy coat the reality, but it really isn't. You seem like a totally down-to-earth family from what I read here, so good luck with this tragic event.

Some Counting Crows would fit the mood that your blog invoked. Luckily, kids are much more elastic and resourceful than us "wise" adults and this too will pass. Sucks in the meantime though.

So so sorry. Let the carefree exuberance fly freely because if we don't, then the "other" will keep us from living at all.
I wish we kept that built in resillence that kids seem to have at such a young age on things such as death. They experience it, discuss it and then go spit on a baseball diamond.
Perfect.

So heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

It's just not fair. Death is definately not for children. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

How hard it must be to do try to understand that at such a young age, that this little girl won't be in school anymore. It sounds like you did a good, caring, loving job explaining it to him.

I can't help but feel completely devastated for this woman who lost her daughter and her husband. To lose one would have been bad enough, but both is just horrendous. I hope she has a good support system. I'm sure a lot of people have her in their prayers. I know I do. I hope you and your kids are safe always.

i know there are not enough "i'm sorry"'s in the world to make this better. give the champ a hug for me. best wishes to you, your family, & the family of the little girl & her father. much love to you all, danny.

There truly are no words..just know you and the family will be in my thoughts.
dawn

I am so sorry to hear about your son's loss. Dealing with these things as an adult are traumatic enough and my thoughts are with you all as you get through this. The finality of death is still a difficult concept to grasp now--with my knowledege of you and hotwife he will get through this and be able to understand. My prayers are with you and the grieving family of the litte girl and her father

Really sorry to hear about that. That's a tough situation.

Awesome Counting Crows lyrics title.

I get Twitter alerts through my cell phone because I get free texting and I'm only following a whopping 4 people. Whenever I get the ones from DadGoneMad, I feel like I should text back or something. Weird. Keep up the Barney bashing! :)

no shit. try telling your kid she might be dying.

death is NOT for children.

I had to tell my daughter in elementary school that her teacher was killed by her boyfriend. I had to be honest, it was all over the tv, every channel.