I thought we had it all figured out. I thought we had reached an imaginary black belt in parenthood – a level of experience at which we were prepared for everything. We’ve become so adept at diffusing tantrums, coercing cooperation, soothing scraped knees and wounded pride that a certain level of arrogance was beginning to build. I hadn’t seen that until this afternoon.

I thought we were infallible. Impervious. It was as if a cushion had formed around us – a shield from the world and the shit that belonged to nameless, faceless people in the newspaper. We were above the fray. We couldn’t be touched. We were complacent, safe, better.

How foolish.

Tonight we had to tell our son that his friend was killed.

A six-year-old girl. And her father. Car wreck. Head-on collision.

We never considered this. Never let ourselves go there. Kids can’t die. They can’t. Death is for the elderly. The frail. The sick. The unknown. Death is not for little girls. Death is not for children.

Death is not for children.

Our blanket of safety and infallibility and complacency is in tatters. Like the frayed edges of an American flag atop a skyscraper. Our son. His friend. Death.

“She was so cute,” he said. “And pretty.”

Death is not for children.

When you are a parent, reality is your enemy. You don’t want to believe. You can’t. Not me. Not my kids. We’re different. We’re immune. We’re better. No. We are not. It could happen tomorrow. Will it? To us? No. That’s not reality. Death is for the others. Death is for the unknown.

“I can’t believe she died,” he said. “How did she die?”

He starts baseball practice again tomorrow. He’s so excited. Baseball. Spitting. Dirt. It’s a boy’s game. It’s carefree exuberance. It’s what boys are supposed to do.

I have a son. I have a daughter.

Death is not for children.

Comments

There are no words. My thoughts are with you as your comfort your son.

Why do kids have to find out this early that the world isn't always perfect? It would be wonderful for them to be innocent just a little while longer.

I'm just so sorry.

it's not right, when my younngest was born, he had a kidney problem that needed surgery to correct, we spent some time living in Ronald Mcdonald house after his surgery, and due to a few complications after, we came as close as i want to, to losing him. He is fine now, and 9, but some of kids and families we met were not so lucky, those kids never made it this far.
Thoughts and prayers with you all.

It's shocking to read this. I can't imagine how awful it is to have to face it head on. I would offer my sympathy, but that seems so inadequate. As an adult my consciousness of death was just... well, present. It's natural. Now, as a parent of a ten month old, my perspective has shifted so much. It is unthinkable. Unconscionable. And most definitely not for children.

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry. There's nothing else I can say.

How difficult for your son, in particular--it's illusion-shattering the first time death punches a whole through your bubble. But, it's part of the deal, as you say. I'm so very sorry he has to face it so early.

That really sucks. I'm sorry.

I'm so very sorry. Death touches everyone eventually. Its so sad that he had to face it at such a young age. He has you and mom with him to help him through this difficult time.

Danny, almost exactly one year ago, I had to tell my step-children that one of their closest friends had died. He was a 12 year old boy and his death was so very very tragic. I also had to hold together my partner and his ex-wife as they were overwhelmed with the sadness of the death of such a young person. It has been a challenging year to say the least. The best thing we did was get family counselling/grief counselling for ALL of us immediately. It was good not only for the children as they need to process their own grief and their own questions as to why he had to do what he did, but it helped us as parents understand what we would be dealing with as adults as we supported the children through their grief and questions and let us deal with our own grief. Nothing can prepare you for the death of someone so young and full of promise, but there are people there to help and to lean on when you need. I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

DGM I am so sorry, huggles to you and your family for your grief and to the family that had the loss.

I'm so very sorry. Little ones shouldn't have to know about the bad stuff yet. This is just terrible all around. My thoughts and prayers are with you and with your son's friend's family.

I've been lurking and laughing here for a while now. A Dad's perspective has been so refreshing and hilarious at times. Today, as I was contemplating how much I would like to send DD1 to a military school, I thought I would surf around to some of my favorite entertaining sites. Instead, you hit me with this heavy stuff and now I feel all guilty and angry at myself for not counting my blessings. Sometimes, the "blogging fates" just seem to know what we need instead of giving us what we ask for.

Thanks for the reminder. My sympathies go out to your family and your son, and especially to the family feeling the loss so directly. Now I have to go and make up with my kid...

Danny, I'm so sorry. We've not been down that path just yet with the kids, but they've lost some adults already. It's jarring, sometimes, to watch kids grieve, because they do it in fits and starts. I'm sure you did great in breaking the news, and I'm sure you'll continue to do great in supporting him through processing this.

That is so tragic. My deepest condolenses to that family.

And you are right, death is not for children. Sadly, I held my child in my arms and watched her die. I don't know what I will tell my son when he is old enough to know he had a sister. It still brings me to my knees to think about it two years after the fact.

I'm so sorry for your little guy. Losing a friend just makes no sense, at any age, but especially when you're that young.

I also said a little prayer for the family of that little girl and her Dad. I can't even imagine what they must be going through--that is my greatest fear, as it is every parent's.

It's just so senseless.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope he is taking it well. When I was young, I had trouble processing and understanding death.

It is shocking whenever you hear that a child has died because we always see children as 'the future', we expect them to precede us.

Sorry again, my condolences to the family.

My deepest condolences to you and your little champ.

When I was about 8, I had a classmate pass. Our teacher read us Bridge to Tarabithia after to kind of help guide us through things. I know they recently turned it into a movie, and even though the book is better (in my humble opinion), perhaps letting champ see the movie since he is younger might help.

Dreadful, just dreadful. We will all hold our own children just that little bit tighter tonight. My thoughts are with you and your son's friend's family.

My thoughts are with all of you touched by this horrible tragedy.

It is horribly tragic when they die so young. In 3rd grade, a friend of mine, one of her two sisters, and her grandparents were killed in a car accident. Our class made a quilt to remember her, and I remember it being a good way to work through what had happened, even at such a young age. Perhaps your son can do something to remember his friend as well.

My deepest sympathies to your family and the surviving mother and family. Unfortunately once I entered the world of childhood cancer, death of children is too common in my life...I need to take off my shoes to count.

Oh my heavens, I am so sorry for your loss and for your child's loss, and for how incredibly difficult that must have been. 6 is far too young to have to deal with such things.

If it is any consolation, I lost a friend to a freak accident when I was 12 -- he died on the playground during recess, and we all watched. It was horrifying.

BUT --
1) It made my elementary school class REALLY close, and a lot niceer to each other, even to this day (we all went on to jr high and high school together).
2) It taught me about the preciousness of life, even though I did not realize that lesson until many years later, I do think that losing somebody so young and so quickly had a huge impact on me.

Hugs to you and yours,
Jessica

Danny that was a beautiful post. Many people have given you some great ideas about grief and mourning, from your posts I can tell your are the kind of dad that will make the decision that is best for Champ to heal. Death really brings out the "thinker" in the children, especially the death of a good friend. Your friends and family are in my prayers.

Heartbreaking. A few years ago, one of my daughter's classmates was run over and killed in the school parking lot by another parent. Telling her a friend had died was so hard. I feel for you and for everyone involved.

My oldest son's best friend was shot and killed in front of him in December. At 18 years old, Adam had an awful time coming to grips with not only the fact that this kid he grew up with was dead, but that he watched it happen and couldn't do anything to stop it. You are so right - death is not for children. Of any age. My condolences to your son and his friend's family.

I am so sorry. This is so tragic.

It's not just a parenting arrogance, but also a western arrogance that makes us think we can handle it all. We are insulated from the death of children that daily rips parents' hearts out in other parts of the world. Sudan. Ethiopia. Iraq. Those parents must be either incredibly strong or incredibly malleable. What they go through would shatter me.

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. In a time when nothing makes sense, having stable and loving parents will make the world of difference for your son.

Oh, I'm so very, very, sorry! All of you and their families will be in my prayers.

I am so sorry.

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry -- that this girl died and that your son has to deal with that and that you had to explain it.

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry -- that this girl died and that your son has to deal with that and that you had to explain it.

I am so sorry, Danny. So, so sorry. My thoughts are with your family and theirs.

Death is not for children! I bet that was hard for you and your family. Death is not fair!

DGM, I am so sorry.
As hard as it was to tell him, and I can't even imagine, I'm sure you did a wonderful job.
My heart goes out to his friend's family and to yours as well.

I am so sorry

Oyvey. Bossy has to go put herself to bed now.

how utterly sucky. That is such a lousy thing to have to deal with - just the reality of it - without having to involve your kids too. Our son's friend was diagnosed with leukemia last year and we had to explain it... and just had so hard a time with it ourselves, let alone the idea of it to him.

I'm so sorry. So terribly sorry for you and your family, for this little girl and her family, for everyone who has experienced loss.

Danny,
I too have had to watch my children suffer the loss of friends, two of them to car wrecks and one to leukemia. It is so very hard to see them try to come to grips with such tragedy. My children were in high school and college at those times, but it is never easy. Even at that age, they are still *children* and no, death is not for them. My sympathies to you and your son, and of course to the family of your son's friend.

I am so sorry. It is heartbreaking to hear this. It is very hard because I have 3 kids under the age of 9. I ask God to watch over them each day. My sympathies to your family and the little girls family.

my biggest fear is something happening to my son. Two family members at once. Wow that's tuff. Well written DGM.

Danny,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your family, as well as the family that suffered the losses. I have a hard enough time dealing with death myself, I can't imagine what it will be like when it comes time for me to explain it to my daughter, or my son-one-day. My thoughts and prayers go out for all of you.

DGM: it is totally unnatural for a parent to bury a child. It's something parents should never have to do, and I can't possibly understand the personal strength it takes to keep moving forward after doing so. It's one of the great mysteries that life - even in the face of such loss - keeps moving forward.

I'm so sorry. It's hard to find the words to explain such a thing to a child. :( You have a way with words, though, and you and your wife are wonderful, caring parents, so at least your son has you to lean on as he figures out how to process what has happened to his friend. I'll be thinking about her family and hoping they find the strength to grieve and learn to move forward.

This is why I couldn't go back to my job after having kids - pediatric homecare is very, very depressing but it's worse when you have little ones because you don't ever want to have to face the reality that they are not immortal. It sucks. Death sucks.

Wow. I am so sorry - for that family, for your son, for you, for having to face that and try to explain and comfort. I can't think of anyone reading this and not being hit hard, in a soft spot. What a terrible reminder of our own fragility.

yeah.

i got nothin'.

i'll send white light to you and yours and the other family ... lots of white light.

Oh yeah, and because it's what I do, perhaps this will help:

http://mommyblogstoronto.blogspot.com/2006/12/books-for-discussing-bereavement-with.html

It's a list of books on bereavement for children.

I'm so sorry, kids shouldn't die. I have 2 young boys of my own I have to go hug now and thank God every day that they are with me. Your family and the family of those 2 lost souls are in my prayers.