I’m told today is a holiday.

“Ahoy, Danny! It’s Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr, matey.”

“Get away from me, Stanley,” I say. “Jews don’t talk like pirates. We produce major motion pictures about them and ‘arrrrr’ all the way to the bank.”

Having spent some time in a psychiatrist’s waiting room, I’m keenly aware that there is a segment of the population that needs no official excuse to talk like a pirate. They just do. (At lease one of their personalities does.) Neither do they wait for National Oh My God There Are Spiders Crawling All Over Me Day or The Evil Gnome Who Lives In My Linen Closet’s Birthday (Observed). Perhaps the fact that I find this pirate shit so ridiculous is a sign that I’m one of the normal ones.

Nah, probably not.

As soon as Stanley left my cubicle, I decided the only way to show the world how lame these unofficially official “holidays” are would be to create one even more preposterous. Here is my short list:

• Spontaneous Armfart Day
• Shave Your Pubes Day (a.k.a, The Greatest Day of the Year for Retailers That Sell Anti-Itch Salves)
• Finger Quotes Day
• The Day of Talking Passionately To Yourself In Public Places
• National Walk Up To a Perfect Stranger and Ask How Much He/She Charges For A Handjob Day
• Cheeto Hands Day
• Buy Your Child a Lemur Day
• Jared from Subway’s Birthday (Observed)

Cast your votes. And if you have an idea of your own, please share it with us.

Comments

Danny, you make me laugh daily, and DGM is a fab way to get the work day started.

I love the ideas you've suggested, although I'd like to politely (and without too much of a stick up my butt) point out that the second suggestion is offensive, not just to adults but to the kids who struggle with TS. We live it daily in our house and I blogged this over the summer:

http://jenontheedge.blogspot.com/2007/07/not-so-funny.html

Anyway, thanks again for the humor and the reality doses!

Danny, you make me laugh daily, and DGM is a fab way to get the work day started.

I love the ideas you've suggested, although I'd like to politely (and without too much of a stick up my butt) point out that the second suggestion is offensive, not just to adults but to the kids who struggle with TS. We live it daily in our house and I blogged this over the summer:

http://jenontheedge.blogspot.com/2007/07/not-so-funny.html

Anyway, thanks again for the humor and the reality doses!

You're right, Jennifer. Sorry to have offended you.

"National Walk Up To a Perfect Stranger and Ask How Much He/She Charges For A Handjob Day"
Gets my vote!!!!

And below is my suggestion:

* Spell your name out to everyone you meet day (but do it the longgg way - "Hi - I'm D as in Dog, A as in Apple, N as in Nancy, N as in Nancy, Y as in Yes")

I vote for Talking Passionately to Yourself in Public Day. We've been married 10 years now and there isn't much passion in our conversations anymore. They're usually something like, "Hey honey, could you see if my hemorrhoids are bleeding?" Wait...now there's a holiday!

I'm a little confused as to how itchy shaved pubes offend people with TS, but okay...

Rap Like Biz Markie Day

I vote for "finger quotes" day. I would totally rock! I'm a walking cliche!

Cheeto hands!!!

Anon, I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't catch the TS thing... I mean, I really don't...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who went WTF. If I don't get the day off, then it doesn't count as a holiday for me.

I vote for Finger Quote day

How about talk without buzzwords day? (That's preposterous in some circles, anyway ;-)

How do YOU know it itches?

How about Cheeto hands day AND Shave Your Pubes Day TOGETHER?

Because then you would totally know who was participating in both.

Even better if you add Wear White Pants After labor Day to the mix.

The original list had an item (#2) about pretending to have Tourette's. I deleted it because I don't feel like be insensitive today.

Kristabella, that hilarious comment just won you a free DGM/HW t-shirt. Email me your size and mailing address.

Not only is it talk like a pirate day, but in my school, we had to dress like a pirate too...and then try to teach.

There's idea...drop the whole talking part and just have a "Be a Pirate Day" Wreck into other cars, take the occupants money maybe their spouse and eye patches for everyone.

Love the sense of humour! I've got my husband addicted to your website now too.

Thanks for the laughs.

For the first time in years, I had a craving for Cheetos and picked some up on the way home. Opened the bag, revved up the computer, scrolled down your short list and glanced at my fingers.

My vote is cast. It's already Cheeto Hands Day 'round these parts.

Danny, thanks for removing the original #2! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, especially since some kids ragged my kid mercilessly at school today about one of her tics. Gracias amigo.

"• The Day of Talking Passionately To Yourself In Public Places"

This was today in my town. How did you know?
We saw a man talking passionately to a bush as we drove by. We slllooowwweed way down to see (because, really who talks to a shrub?) if someone was sitting/laying/dying under the shrub. Nope. Just a crazy dude talking to it.

I know you're not willing to allow offensive comments about Tourette's on your site today, but you didn't say anything about dylexia. Thus:

September 19: "Dyslexics of America Untied Day."

On a more serious not, here's another:

September 19: OJ's First Las Vegas Court Appearance Day

Hopefully, it will go down in history as the beginning of the prosecution that totally destroys his life. May he rot in hell. Thank you.

Talking Passionately To Yourself In Public Places Day would be difficult to confine to one day. There are too many people walking around with wireless headphones for their cell phones. I have overhead some crazy one sided conversations.
I vote for Armfart Day. Especially if you are standing in the back of a crowded elevator.

I already celebrate Finger Quotes Day - "daily."

Finger Quotes day, I LOVE the Saturday Night Live skit with Chris Farley and the finger quotes, that's right up there with Van Down by the River.

Dad Gone Mad Day!

Hey DGM, great list of new holidays.
(See? Told you I'd be delurking soon)

Here's another one: Make Your Friend's Band a Website day....oh wait, that's just what I did this morning. Heh.

Uhh..yeah. 4+ Years of DGM...great shit man, keep up the good work; we all love it.

It was a toss up between asking a total stranger what they charge for a hand job, (Which by the way is so lame. If you can't give yourself a hand job your a total looser! Maybe we could switch it to a Hummer?) or Spontaneous Armfart Day. Which of all the choices is my personal favorite. Only because it is genetcially impossable for me to make an armpit fart. I have envied those special enough to be able to make those wonderfly wet sounding fart noises with my underarm since I was a child. I just don't have a concave pit, and that apparently is what it takes. My 10 year old is a master at it, and he has a concave pit. Oh well, I will just live through his successes as do most Dads.

How about "National Play With Yourself With The Other Hand Day"? (Ladies, it's more complicated than you think!)
Post On a Stranger's Blog Day?
Pay For Everything With Pennies Day.

Talking Passionately to Yourself in Public day has my vote, but apart from that, we need to have something like Annual Skip Work and Attend a Sporting Event Day.

I like the finger quotes one, but can we add eye-rolling to that?!? I would excel on that day...it could be my favorite holiday, in fact...

Finger Quotes Day is a good one. i am guilty of doing them sometimes...dammit

Hehe...This is hilarious! Thought you might enjoy this link...and these are "real holidays" and observances. If we got a day off for each of these, we'd NEVER have to work! http://www.brownielocks.com/september.html

Jenna

How about a day for all those poor cork soakers who are underappreciated...

National Cork Soaker Day

Let's soak corks all day long!

I vote for Armfart day, most people need to laugh more.
And my holiday would be "Insert your favorite movie quote into conversation" Day.
Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Thank god you explained about the TS cause I was sure trying to figure out how itchy pubes were offensive..although I don't want to see some gal/guy grabbing their junk and going to town cause they shaved and didn't wax..

I would like to start celebrating Jared's birthday. He is just like family. We can honor him by wearing big pants on our head!

I'm a big fan of Buy Dana a Drink Day. One of my co-workers is encouraging me to partake of Come to Work Braless Day. And I would be totally on board for Finger Quotes Day, or Excessive Sarcasm Day.

You write about "Talking Passionately to Yourself in Public" as if it's abnormal. Does this mean I now have to limit myself to one day a year?

Ohmygawd, that is hilarious!

I vote for ALL except number 5 & 7. I'm particularly fond of the Armpit Fart day.

Can we add Let's All Get Drunk In The Carpool Line At School Day?

I vote for National Bail Danny Out of Jail Day, because some of your other observances are likely to land you there.

How about a "You can only talk in song lyrics day" That would be funny.. Kids in school.."we don't need no education" Cops,,"Stop...in the name of love".. Frogs.."Well you might as well JUMP"

I just thought of another one.

Have you ever tried to speak as you inhale? It sounds pretty funny. So how about:

National Inhale Speaking Day!

What about "While you're Down There Day"? or; "Silent but Deadly Day" think of the jump in home grown bean & chili consumption, great for the economy!

um..well lets see since Jared the subway guy's b-day is already observed let's skip that. Cheeto hands day is observed every day by Britney Spears-so skip that. I vote for finger quotes day because that would be "awesome" (imagine that done with my fingers)

I love, love, LOVE talking to myself passionately in public. Inevitably, one of my coworkers will say, "Who are you talking to?"

I answer: "Gah. Nosey. My husband."

"On what?"

I reach for my ear and say, "Are you blind? My blue-....Oh, shit."

The expressions are priceless.

I've got an idea, regarding the deletion of #2 from the list: National Stop Being so GODDAMN Offended About Everything Day. Sure, you live with TS...hell, I live with being fat, my mom lives with MS, and my wife lives with IBS. Everyone has something wrong with them (Danny doesn't have any testicles), and frankly, it's getting to the point where you can't say anything anymore because you'll offend someone. Stop being so freggin' sensitive.

Remember when you'd go to the mall and there would be ladies with clipboards asking you to take surveys? I think we should start "Would You Like to Take a Survey" Day. Then get clipboards and ask random funny sounding questions like "Do you know how big Djibouti is" (sounds like 'do you know how big juh-booty is') or maybe "Do you know much about ashphinctorsayswhat?" What? HAHAHAHA!

Though I cannot take credit for it, I'd like to suggest "Eat some Cheetos and watch some porn" day.

"STFU if your IQ is lower than 120 Day" Observed 365 days of the year.