This weekend, for the first time in his life, I saw my son act like an asshole.

He’s a good baseball player. He knows that. But somewhere along the way he came to believe that with excellence comes the right to disrespect and/or mistreat others. Saturday afternoon, after sliding into home on a teammate’s base hit, my son stood, looked down, and intentionally stomped on the catcher’s foot. I watched the whole thing.

“Hey!” I yelled at him from the opposite side of the chain link fence. “What are you doing? What’s wrong with you?”

“It was an accident,” he said.

“Oh give me a break,” I barked. “I saw you. You did it on purpose.”

I really didn’t know what to do. I sat there stewing for a moment, trying to find a clear thought in that fog of anger and disappointment. I decided to pull him from the game and take him home – but at the precise moment, the game had reached its time limit and was called over. I waited outside the dugout while he collected his gear.

It’s hard to articulate the feeling I had at that moment. I was troubled – surprisingly so. But the other emotions were a hodge-podge in my head, all blending together to create something I’ve never before felt. To watch a boy I love so completely and from whom I take such immeasurable pride perpetrate an intentionally hurtful and disrespectful action confounded me. My thoughts drifted into the realm of, “He has to be punished. He has to know this will not be tolerated.”

As I stood there waiting for him, my buddy Tim walked up and noticed my scowl. He’s a coach on the team, but he hadn’t seen the incident at home plate. After I described it to him, Tim mentioned that my son could often be overheard talking smack to opponents when he’s near them. I’ve heard him talking to other players over the years but never paused to wonder what he was saying (too busy coaching the other 10 kids on the team, I suppose). I presumed innocence, as I imagine any parent would. But now I had gathered a more complete picture of my son’s behavior and I didn’t like what it projected.

In a stroke of great luck (for him), we’d taken two separate cars to the game that morning. I made Hot Wife drive our son home so I could use the drive time to cool off and think about the proper way to deal with this issue.

I’m certain many readers will disagree with this approach but we don’t hit or spank our kids. What kind of parent would I be if I hurt my son to show him that it’s not OK to hurt others? So the discipline would have to be something a little more imaginative, I said to myself. I considered holding him out of a game or two. I considered taking away privileges or material things. I even called the authorities to see if public stonings are legal in our city. Sadly, no.

Hot Wife and I ultimately decided the best course of action was to demonstrate the behaviors we want our son to exhibit. After all, this was an issue with ramifications far beyond a baseball diamond. This was about humanity. Respect. Decency.

I sat him down and sternly told him how disappointed I was to see and hear the way he was treating his opponents. I told him players who act that way develop a reputation for being dirty, and that’s a hard thing to escape. We discussed The Golden Rule. I told him that I have to pay money for him to play baseball and I would not continue to sponsor a poor sport.

Then I said if he pulls this shit again I will register him for the speech and debate team where, like his father, he will be doomed to a life of ridicule, social isolation and the inescapable stigma people attach to those who carry a briefcase to school. “Good luck getting laid if that happens,” I said.

I think we understand each other.

Comments

I agree with the idea that hitting a child is no way to teach them not to hit. What kind of idiotic reasoning is that? I hope your talk got through to him. Makes me wonder where the hell I went wrong that my oldest son (also 7) has done things like that for a couple years now and yours is only now starting...

Oh, and Happy New Year!

Don't beat yourself up too much - past a certain (and very young) age they just start picking crap like that up from others.

You could always sign him up for gymnastics or dance. I bet that'd produce a quick attitude adjustment. ;)

Ahhh parenting .... it sucks sometimes doesn't it? Right now I am dealing with a two year old who thinks it is okay to smack me in the face when he isn't happy... proving harder to stop then I anticipated...

Julie

Ouch. And we think nighttime parenting is bad, eh? Nothing like seeing a whole new side to your child to put it into perspective.

While my sports knowledge is a bit cloudy, could you perhaps drive the point home by telling him about some other examples of poor sports in the big leagues?

I completely agree that hitting is no way to raise a child, and I think the concept that you guys pay for his baseball, and threatening to take that away on the premise of not being willing to support that behaviour is excellent. Kids learn best when the consequences naturally follow the behaviour: he mistreats opponents, Mom and Dad don't like him mistreating opponents, Mom and Dad pay for baseball, Mom and Dad stop paying for baseball. Even a seven year old can follow that reasoning.

Kudos on a parenting job well done.

Ditto what SciFi Dad said; especially regarding taking some breather time to think about your response. It's so easy to react to our children's poor behavior in the heat of the moment, and end up doling out punishments that either don't fit the crime, or that we can't follow through with. The follow through is the most important part, and the most difficult. Don't start what you can't or are not willing to finish.

Good call DGM >^_^<

Far be it from me to hand out parenting advice, but if that were my son, or any kid on the team I coach, they'd be sitting for the next two games. You basically just gave a free pass to a child who has a record of talking crap to kids on the other teams, and then when another team got him out, (or did they? It's not clear that he wasn't actually safe, in which case his behavior is even worse) he kicked the catcher, AFTER pausing to think about it and then he lied to you about it.

And what conesquences did he face for a) being a bad sport according to the coach b) deliberately kicking a kid either out of anger at being out or just becuase he wanted to, and c) immediately lying to you? He was told that if he did it again, he'd be off the team.

Face it, sometimes being a parent means making your kid hate you. And this was one of those times.

Nope, spanking or hitting would do no good.

I was not clear when I read through your post if you actually pulled him from the team, a few games, or just gave him a stern talking-to... But I did like, and would have pulled my own from 3 games. A "suspension"...

I also commend you on sending him home with Hot Wife, giving you a chance to cool down. That was the best move you could have made at the time! Difficult to do, but the best for all parties involved. I don't know if I could have even done that. The attraction to having my kid as a "captive audience" for a good chewing out in the car ride home would be ever-so appealing, and hard for me not to do.

That is one of my downfalls. Not taking a moment to cool down. I will say when I do, it does work well.

Anyway - Great post, and even better parenting skills. I hope that next time I have to discipline one of mine, this post comes to mind!

Nice finishing touch. Good job.

I think you handled the situation fantastically- will have to remember how you and hot wife handled that.

I'm not a firm believer in hitting either- however when I was a child I did get spanked twice- the reasons behind spanking for my parents were a) shock value b) it was only performed if I did something that was life-threatening...

ps- my parents wound up crying after the spanking; not me.

Even if you did sometimes spank your kids, I don't think this is a spanking situation. I think you handled it well. You don't want your kids to "not hit" or "be good sports" because of some threat, you want them to do it because they're good people who see the value in caring for others.

But how do you teach that? I think a big part of it is modeling it, just like you said.

Geez, parenting is hard. And I don't even HAVE any kids.

You were right with an earlier post, the apocalypse must be coming. Your wife is dancing on pianos, your daughter loves you more than soup and your son is God's gift to baseball (which he may be but, gosh don't act like it), oh yeah and there was an earthquake sprinkled in there somewhere

Seriously? Your surprised by his behaviour? As wildly unpopular as this is going to be, and your legions of fans (yes, I am one too)will no doubt opt to stone me when I say that perhaps you should read over your own "Slide" post from last week:

"Aside from my son and his pal Ryan, the whole team sucks. If they can hit, they can’t field. If they can field, they can’t hit. The coaches know this, but because they are mandated to abide by that bullshit, politically correct notion of “fairness”, they put the uncoordinated kids in the positions closest to the ball and relegated MY kid to the outfield. FOR THE ENTIRE GAME!

I was just about to get angry about that and demand an investigation when it came to my attention that my son’s eyes are bigger than HIS stomach, too. Seems he knew there weren’t many good players to the team, too, because he evidently believed he was supposed to play every position on the field at the same time.

This is about the point where I completely lost my shit."

Obviously the importance you place on the game, and your opinion of his skills as well as those of the other players is not lost on your son. I have no doubt that your a great parent and will work through this one just fine. But surprise? Hardly. Unfortunately they mimic the good and the bad.

I have to disagree with Limpy99. Sometimes it's better to hold off on harsher punishment for less than major infractions. I remember being severely punished for things I didn't realise were wrong. Explaining to them what they did wrong and why it was unacceptable worked wonders with my kids. Then giving them the consequences for repeat behavior with their knowledge and agreement that it WILL happen not only stopped the behavior but helped them learn to apply the lesson in other decisions as they grew up. The key is really getting the point across on why treating someone like that is bad not just in baseball but in other situations as well.
Now Danny, you just have to be careful about how you talk smack to players when you are watching a game. Remember the part about leading by example?

Good job with calming down first. I have a tendency to just have a damn cow the second something goes down. I'm happy you have a good head on your shoulders!

Wow. CC and I were writing at the same time so I missed that point until after I posted. I was referring to you watching professional sports. I had forgotten about you almost getting thrown out of the park at one of your son's games. Be sure and point out to him you realise where he may have gotten the idea it was okay to do what he did, and you have seen the error of your ways also. I'm not trying to put a guilt trip on you. I know it's always a shock when I see how my actions have long term affects that I never intended.

Ahh been there, done that, with poor results.

My kids are 14 and 17 and they "talk smack" about everyone they know, their friends, their enemies, their teachers and each other. And when we're not in ear shot, I'm sure us as well. I don't necessarily feel proud to admit that, but I think back to when I was 14 and realize I was doing much of the same. The apple, the tree, etc.

Part of me believes it is just part of growing up. An ugly part, but there it is.

Good luck, I hope your chat works. Sometimes, they just need to know what they're doing is wrong even if everyone else is doing it too.

Guys. Seriously. A LOT of what I say here is hyperbolic and fictional. I did NOT almost get thrown out of a game. I did NOT "lose my shit". I do NOT model disrespectful behavior. My son is learning how to be a decent human being -- nothing more, nothing less. Everybody breathe.

It is true that not everything DGM writes is factual but you better believe that I was on top of that piano shaking my hips from left to right.

..Great pic from the cup..one year we had it at our neighborhood tavern...no real reason. People come to our neighborhood to eat GREAT Italian food and they stopped by the bar w/ the cup...that was pretty cool..cause God knows the Blues are always bridesmades...
FYI...stepping on the catchers toes..it's that bad influence of Ducks hockey..next thing you know he'll check the catcher into the fence while charging home :-)
He'll learn don't worry!

DGM- Most of us get the line between reality and and your writing. In fact, I loved the way you went from the story of what happened to your well-spun ending :) I, too, will think of your drive home the next time I don't have the chance to cool off first. And the pic is truly awesome, I love what we call in our fam the "ugly face" (crying)on the little one, she is so cute!

Since everyone's giving parenting advice, Ill throw mine in too...

Too bad the game ended, that would have been a good consequence.

If this were my son, he would sit out the first inning of the next game. Im also big on having my kids give, "sincere apologies" (look the person in the eye, tell them why you are sorry; ie. Im sorry because I......, then tell them that you wont do it again. Ask them directly for forgiveness, and then give them a hug or Hi-5)...including writing notes of apology as well. Since the game is over, I would track down who that kid was, and his coach, and have my kid apologize.

The talk about being kind, being a good sport, how you want others to treat you is also appropriate here...you can never give that talk too much.

Man, thanks for the words of wisdom... I'm dealing with the same issue with my kid and was wondering how to address it.

Nicely handled, grasshopper.
You and Hot Wife are doing a fantastic job. You son is absolutely capable of following the 'action=consequence' reasoning. One very small bit of advise (I learned this the hard way)...be prepared to follow through with whatever threat you make! LOL! Good luck...parenthood; it ain't for wimps!

The Stanley Cup made it's way to my neck of the woods this summer. It was out at a small town bar and one of my buddies has numerous pics of himself drinking beer out of it. Yes, I'm jealous.

You lie to us? I'm wounded.

I was thinking again yesterday about how (and why) you chose to stop linking to the celebrity-pop-gossip sites a while back and what you wrote about that.

I think you are quite an amazing example.

From one parent to another - kudos!

I feel your pain.

It is tough and a mix of emotions and all that you wrote.

Julie
Using My Words

There are times when you look at your kids and think "Oh yeah, he takes after me. That is soooo like me right there." and other times you say "Oh wait. Who the hell is that?"

Our kids won't always act like they are related to us. It's part of growing up and finding out who they want to be. It's excellent you let him know what is expected of him and the reasons. particularly because if he misses getting laid, he's not going to be too happy about that. j/k

From reading all the posts, I know that EVERYONE else has agreed that spanking is not the way to go, but I disagree.

Perhaps you might think I am old fashioned at best, but I think there are some valid reasons for spanking, and a proper methodology, as well. Also, many think these days that spanking only teaches violence. I disagree. I was spanked as a child, and I never thought it ever gave me license to hit anyone else. Why? Because the spanking was done by an authority figure. Also, it can be done in such a way that it doesn't injure the child, as my father did with me.

Also, many people don't know how or when to spank, and think it's done with anger. That's the wrong time to do it. If the child has angered you, and their behavior is severe enough to warrant spanking, then you need to cool off (like you did - very wise). My father did as much, and it was almost as unemotional as buying a loaf of bread (for him anyway, of course, for me as a kid, I was the opposite). And I have never spanked my children in anger, either.

And then there are the reasons; they must be the most severe of offenses, such as defiance/rebelliousness, striking another person, or lying. There could be others, it's up for the parents to decide.

Furthermore, reasoning with or threatening a childs privileges doesn't always work because children don't always act with reason. They are very impulsive by nature. They do things even if they know it's wrong and can't tell you why they did it. The slightly older child (around 8-11) do have beter reasoning faculties, and so do understand right and wrong better - provided they were taught in the 1st place. If they know better and transgressed, then it constitutes rebellion. A good rule of thumb is to correct the child the 1st time, if they didn't know. 2nd offence (same issue) verify they understood, and if their understanding was flawed, don't spank. If they fully understood, then the offence deserves a spanking. Believe me in that the small amount of pain felt will go a long way in correcting unwanted behavior.

Let me make a point about his behavior incident. I'm sure your son knew that stomping on the other players foot is wrong. does he know that in the grownup world (and not so grown up, even) that it could constitute assualt? I'm also sure he knew that lying to you was also wrong. And in so doing, he showed you, implicitly, that he doesn't care about your rules and everything you've taught him. Think about it. If he knew what he did was wrong, and yet he did it anyway, this indicates there is a degree of a lack of respect for you. You have to really think these things through to see the underlying meanings. Most parents are just too tired and overworked to do so, however.

Spanking isn't necessarily evil, and lets the child know they have boundaries, and believe it or not, love.

I had a similar situation with my son and his hockey team years ago. I sat down with him and had a big talk about how disapointed I was in his behaviour. I also pointed out that he was there to have fun and the other kids were as well. I asked him if he would be having fun if the kids on the other team were saying those things to him and he said no.
Empathy is a very hard thing to teach a child but I think it's very important for a child to understand how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

I read a book not long ago called "10 Conversations You Need to Have With Your Children" by Rabbi Schmuley Boteach. His philosophies seem to mesh nicely with yours (not that I'm suggesting you become a Rabbi...). It's a wonderful read for anyone who has kids and touches on situations such as the one you've recently had to deal with.

For the record, I think that you dealt with your son just fine. After all, the goal here is to teach your children how to be accountable, how to grow up and be upstanding, moral citizens. What better way to help your children learn than to behave that way yourselves?

Stanley's Cup never did it much for Bossy either.

Lot o'assvice here. For the record, I think you & hot wife handled it well. I like the whole "we pay for your baseball, not for you to be a meanie" argument. My only question is why the coach didn't mention to you sooner that young master was getting an unpleasant attitude? Because that to me would be a concern... I wonder how much gets ignored by coach because he doesn't want to deal with it.

I think you handled the situation perfectly.

That picture is priceless!!

TAFKABBF Must be an Ottawa fan.

You should see our Santa pictures.

There are people who would disagree with NOT spanking? Wow. All those people busy sweeping other people's porches, I wonder how their own porch looks. Hmmmm.

Sounds like you handle it in a great way! An awesome character lesson.

Each family has its own way of dealing with disobediance or rebellion. I have two grown daughters and have a healthy loving relationship with both (they even come home to visit and invite us to come see them :)). When they were living at home there were occasions when there would be deliberate acts of disobediance and/or rebellion. Some of those were at a very young age and some were later. We used corporal punishment sparingly, but the occasional swat (always singular) was administered by yours truly. I can honestly say that neither had more then a handful of swats over the course of their lives, but they did occasionaly get them. Because they were administered rarely they carried a large emotional impact. When they got a swat the KNEW it was for something important. Could there have been an alternative? Probably, but I grew up in that same scenario and have no lasting emotional scars. In fact I can remember the times I got swatted and the reason why. I can't say that for all the times I got "talked to" or "grounded".

I am NOT judging how you handled your situation. You know what is best for you and yours. I'm speaking in general terms about the use of coporal punishment. I've known too many who spanked their kids for every little thing and it was totally ineffective as a means of discepline. In fact they probably WERE teaching their kids to hit. It is my opinion though that when used in extreme moderation and with restraint on the part of the parent, the occasional swat can be an appropriate and effective parenting tool. (Proverbs 13:24)

If it was my son (and it could be in a year or two), I think I would have made him sit out the next game. But you know your boy, and your mileage may vary. Certainly no criticism offered.