It would take me weeks to itemize the myriad reasons why I’m grateful for my wife, but one of the first reasons on the list would be that she’s terrified of bugs. I’m grateful for that because there’s just something hilarious about hearing a grown woman shriek like a two-year-old at the sight of a daddy long legs.

I’m certain this is commonplace in all parts of the world but Evans World Headquarters is prone to squatters with varying numbers of legs, wings and whatnot. The most common invaders are wee little spiders and crickets, and although their presence is by no means threatening or even concerning, the process of finding and exterminating these creatures is the same each time:

1. Hot Wife screams like a woman being groped by a zombie in a horror movie.
2. I hear her wail and presume (based on its pitch and the level of commitment behind it) that an errant javelin has struck my wife in the head.
3. I run to her.
4. I find her (usually in a bathroom) shivering and cowering and pointing at a tiny bug, which, if she had even a “no thank you” helping of balls, she could kill with her pinkie toe.
5. I laugh at her.
6. I kill the bug. (WITH MIND BULLETS!)
7. I pick up the carcass and put it close to her face so she can see how preposterous it is to be scared of something so unintimidating.
8. She screams again.
9. I laugh again.

A few nights ago while she was giving the kids a bath and I was looking at boobies doing research on the internet, I heard the familiar shriek.

"EEEEEEEEKK! DANNY!”

I went running. When I arrived at the bathroom door, I saw her backing up and followed her eyes to a wimpy little cricket about the size of a dime. The kids had stood up in the tub and appeared perplexed, as if they were thinking, “Why is mom screaming? Is that cricket going to eat us?”

Over the years I’ve learned that accosting a cricket is more difficult than taking custody of, say, a spider. It’s feeble to try to catch crickets with a wad of toilet paper because they jumps. Far. And sometimes right at me. They are the insect version of a kamikaze pilot.

The best solution for crickets is bug spray. I’m not a big fan of spraying lethal chemicals around the house (unless they come from my butt), but a man must defend his home by any means necessary, right? I mean screw the environment! We have a man-eating, four-millimeter assassin in our house and I’ma kill that sumbitch no matter WHAT Al Gore says.

I returned to the bathroom with the spray, scooted Hot Wife out of the way, closed the shower door to protect the kids and lit that cricket up like the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. (Between you and me, if Hot Wife hadn’t been there I would have shown the kids that cool blowtorch effect you can do with an aerosol can and a cigarette lighter.)

A second or two later, the cricket stopped…um…cricketing. Peace was restored. I grabbed a few sheets of toilet paper, wiped up the chemicals, and picked up the cricket carcass.

As I turned to stick it in my wife’s face, she slapped me upside the head, ran into our bedroom and locked the door.

So I put it in her purse.

Comments

It's been nice knowing ya Danny Boy. Whoooooooie when Hot Wife does find that cricket ........

Okay, I'm feeling a little neglected here. My husband won't move his body off the couch, or his eyes off Sportscenter, to help me kill a bug. HW, you're a lucky woman. My husband would let us all get devoured by that cricket.

Good luck getting laid anytime soon. ;^)

I'm better at bug-killing in this household. While manly in many other ways, my husband has that spastic, limp-wristed way of going after bugs where they end up laughing at him and flittering off. He has no conviction. Sometimes if you want to do something right, you just have to do it yourself. Plus, I hate it when my husband looks effeminate in any way. It hurts my eyes.

so that whole "put it in her purse" thing - is that a euphemism?

Oh, and on our property, it's tarantulas and scorpions. Since they eat most of the spiders and crickets, we don't see much of them. In fact, Mr Tarantula is what made up my first ever blog post more than 2 years ago.

Bug in the purse? Big, big mistake. That purse will need to be thrown out and a new one purchased. The person who put it there will be dead meat.

Hot Wife puts up with you but won't kill a bug? How freaking cute is she? I can't wait to hear your eulogy, pal.

I put my "cricket" in my wife's "purse" and now we are 32 weeks pregnant...

I hope, for your sake, that the whole "cricket in the purse" bit was just a punchline. If not? Guard your loins.

sometimes you're a fool in love

You're paying a heavy price to get back to the level of quality comedy your readers expect. I agree with Beth. You're going to be spending a lot more time doing "research on the net" because you won't be getting any for a while.

Do you men go to school to learn these tricks, because the ole "putting the dead bug in wife's face" routine is pretty common place around these parts too. I think you're all just a bunch of sick bastards.

poor Jiminy!
;o)

My husband and I are pretty evenly matched when it comes to critters we don't like. I hate bugs, he hates snakes. He has learned never to wave a dead bug in my face. Otherwise, I will have to chase him around the yard again with a snake while he screams like a little girl. Trust me, he doesn't want the neighbors seeing that again.

Come on man, you kill crickets with your bare hands and then leave the carcass lying there so that all of its little friends know to stay away. Bug spray? Huh?

Poor little cricket. Those things are entirely harmless. Couldn't you have just put it in a glass and taken it outside?

Try moving to the South, where the 3 inch long cockroaches (they call them palmetto bugs) FLY LIKE BIGGEST FREAKIN' MOTHS you ever saw, and are everywhere. The only good part, if you step on them they splat like a twinkie. I am so glad to not live with those things again.

And your wife is going to plant that cricket on you somewhere funnier than a purse when she finds it.

You're as evil as my "friends" in high school who got even with me for missing Dissection Day in Science class, and collected all the frog eyes so they could put them in a baggy in my lunch bag the next day.

He's back, the Danny we know and love!

Boobies. Heh.

Oh you'd better not have!

Crickets are good luck....you aren't allowed to kill them! We go to great lengths to save them and return them to the outdoors in order to avoid the equivalent of breaking-a-mirror bad luck. You're in trouble dude!

Her purse?!?! I am assuming hot wife cooks your food? Watch out Danny that's all I am saying, corn beef hash looks a lot like cat food (and surprisingly tastes similar too...I mean....)

My ex husband once did something similar to your cricket in the purse routine. It affected me so adversely I accidentally washed all his white underwear in hot water with a red T-shirt. He was a laugh riot at the gym the next morning and for several weeks to come.

Same song and dance in my house...

Love the tenacious D reference. :)

Hi,
Loved the story!!! Wish I was a mouse when she finds it!!
Just happened upon your site.
Want a laugh? I'm trying to get my site "out there".
Pam 'Oh Da Woods

http://dawoods12.blogspot.com

Hot Wife, Hw, Hw??? Where are you cutie...responding to this or planning your revenge?? Step away from the purse, buy a new one...NOW you guys need a cat...my Smokey cat eats the bugs then barfs them up...sigh...I love my life....

Ok, so right now I'm eating Wasabi Peanuts and drinking a nice Black russian (stop!! it's a DRINK)....and a dinner filled with vitamins.

You are so going to be the bug when you get home. Honey.

Rrrrowwrr. Promise?

Don't the female bugs typically eat the head off the male bugs after mating? Have fun tonight Danny....heheh

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

No girlie squeals at the sight of bugs!

I am teaching my kids (girls) to be interested in and stalwart in the face of all living creatures, great and small. My kids pick up bugs and snakes. They are regular Junior Crocodile Hunters.

Spiders are our friends. They eat mosquitos.

Still.

I am LMAO.

Mostly at how you will be the Bug. Probably about now.

Julie
Using My Words

My action at the sight of a big bug?
Levitation, holmes.

What is is about guys that makes them do the 'putting the bug in your face' thing? My bf does that too.

He is not fond of undercooked steaks at all, and I take mine medium rare.. .next time I'm gonna cut it open and shove it in his face, see how he likes it.

As for the cricket in the purse.... dude, I thought you were gonna start showing the hotwife more love?

That whole sticking the dead bug in her face trick? My brothers did that to me for YEARS. And the fact that my husband does NOT do that is one of the reasons I married him.

I guess a cricket in the purse is better than the dead mice my dad likes to put in my mom's pack of cigs. One would think that would make a person stop smoking even if nothing else could.....

Here's how we handle crickets: vacuum them up in the dustbuster and then flush them down the toilet. We'll probably end up being invaded by giant mutant crickets some day. Oops.

Aw, sweet Jiminy.

Well, if you decided to get a cat, you may find your bug problem solved. My cat LOVES spiders - which are tasty, apparently. Crickets are crunchy, but managable. But gnats? Gnats are top sirloin to kitties.

HILARIOUS!! Pondered through to you through Summerland through Weekends. I am the bug killer in our house. My SH will lift any bug up whether by hand, paper or cup and simply toss it outside - or worse, leave it. However, I am deathly afraid of crickets. And SH loves to torment me with them. Loves to pick them up and chase me around the house until I cry in the corner. =) I've sent him your story with one caution: "if you do this to me, you'll have dead carcass in your food next time." LOL! So I wonder...how did said carcass go over in HW's purse? ;-)

Hahaha! That sounds so much like me. I should do a post on how I make my husband feel like a real man. *smile* Thanks for the idea....*wink*

AWESOME!

Great story. It is the flying critters that cause the biggest stir in our homestead. Our four year old daughter, Princes Dabba, was stung by a Wasp this summer. So, let a moth circle the porch lights in the evening and we have our own air raid siren.

This is the funniest blog post I've read in a long time. I'm subsribing to your blog. I found it as a link from the donutbuzz site that I keep up with.

You're hillarious!

I posted about the same darn thing and linked it above.
I will say that if the person that killed the invader ever put it up to my face, they would shortly be visiting me where the walls are soft and patient's brains are softer.

Ok dude this was great.. I mean REALLY REALLY GREAT. You don't know how great it is..

I mean I am completely totally thrilled that you wrote this..
Why you ask.. because you didn't know of any other word to use for what a cricket does other than CRICKETING!!! You even ummed and pause there in thought trying to think of one.

I am not scared of bugs at all.. I am a very bug killing kind of gal but one night we had a cricket.. and it just kept going and going and going.. to the point I put both hands over my ears and SCREAMED.. I thought I would startle it to death.. it didn't but my husband peed his pants while running to find out what was wrong with me.. I think he thought the javelin thing.

Well he finds me sitting on the sofa with both hands over my ears just scream.. of course he sees nothing wrong so I get ..
WHAT.. WHAT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG. ARE YOU OK???

No I AM NOT OK.. THAT DAMN CRICKET WILL NOT STOP CRICKETING AND I CAN'T FIND IT!!!

that was met with a peel of laughter... and to the day he swears that NO ONE IN THE WORLD OTHER THAN ME WOULD SAY CRICKETING.

so thank you my dear friend DGM I have been redeemed!

I guarantee that cricket is part of your breakfast tomorrow.

Funny, funny stuff. I laughed. Hard. Thank you!

You're wicked!!

Great blog. Will definitely keep coming back for more.

"Man-eating crickets," nice one.

That's great!

My wife has actually made peace with bugs, and she's had to. She agreed to get our son a pet leopard gecko and so now we always have to keep 50 or so crickets in the house to feed it. Maybe you should think about getting the kids a lizard... you can feed them cockroaches as well you know!

You are a mean cruel man.