Under The Table
My kids do lots of things I don’t understand but foremost among them is their penchant for playing under the table at restaurants.
I remember doing the same thing when I was a child and although I have reviewed the microfiche from my personal archive, I have no idea why the act of frolicking mere inches from the gum, snot and sundry other yuck other diners discard down there is so damn appealing. Knowing what I have personally discarded on the underbelly of compressed wood tables at Denny’s and Coco’s and Norm’s throughout my life, I can’t see how any kid would want to play down there without being disinfected, deloused, and vaccinated against hepatitis A, B, C, D and Z afterward.
We went to dinner at a place called Islands last night. It’s one of those strictly SoCal institutions that takes a burger joint, dresses it up in Hawaiian garb and shows surfing and skateboarding videos for dramatic effect. I sat next to The Artist Formerly Known as Barney’s Biggest Fan but Currently Known as The Goose (Which Is a Long Story That We’ll Save For Another Time). Hot Wife sat across from me, next to The Champ.
For the first 15 minutes, all was well. The kids colored on their menu/placemat/coloring books until our food came. They each ate a respectable percentage of their food. But the problem with kids is when they’re done eating, they’re done sitting still.
That’s when they slide under the table.
Hot Wife and I learned long ago that resistance is futile. The effort of trying to get them to sit still on their butts after they’ve eaten is wasted. It’s like trying to keep a dog in the bathtub long enough to be washed. Why bother fighting a fight you can’t win?
Shortly after the kids retreated to their bacteria-roofed fortress, Hot Wife stopped chewing and stared into her salad bowl (we both ordered the cobb salad).
“What?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”
She scooped a piece of chicken with her fork and held it out just far enough for me to see a winged bug embedded in it. As luck would have it, I had a piece of chicken in my mouth at that very moment.
There is something very disturbing about finding bugs in your food. It usually doesn’t happen until you’re at least halfway through with your meal, which sets up a scenario of disgusted wonderment about how many bugs you’d already eaten before you discovered one.
We summoned our waitress to the table and showed her Mr. Buzz-Buzz in Hot Wife’s chicken. She apologized profusely (the waitress, not the bug) and took our plates away. We looked at each other immediately thereafter and shared an expression of repulsion and sickness to our stomachs.
Just then, our son surfaced from under the table. He held in his hand a piece of chewed purple bubble gum, which he had obviously pried loose from the cesspool of filth under the table.
“Dad?” he asked. “Can I have this?”
Oh, barf!
My dad used to tell me that if I didn't learn how to sit right at the table, boys would never ask me out on a date. The threat worked pretty well.
To which Danny replied, "Only if you find one for me too."
A few years ago, I had a HUGE cockroach crawl out of a salad I was eating. I don't know how I didn't puke. I did, however, shriek at the top of my lungs. (No, not embarrasing in the least. Why do you ask?)
I second Suzy's BARF. YUCK!
I don't know but I think Island is known for their bugs -- the first time I ate there.. I seen a bug too, not to mention I haven't been there since..This was in Az -- ICk!!
she shoulda just stuck the bug under the table. ewww. And my little girl has been "the little pink goose" for as long as I can remember. no real reason. but I am really lookingforward to the goose story...
Kids have no (and I mean no) sense of hygiene. I took my kids to the farmers' market on Saturday. There was a display there of rare and threatened farm animal breeds. The girls petted sheep, picked up feathers probably loaded with chicken crap, and poked at turkeys. I could handle that, figuring we'd wash our hands the moment we got home. Then, before I could stop her (imagine me yelling "Nooooooo" in slow motion like the movies) the older one fished the marshmallows out of her hot chocolate *with her unwashed fingers* and dropped them in the younger one's cup. Yuck. Sheep/chicken/turkey germ hot chocolate. Mmmm.
ahh this story reminds me of the time I was eating a salad at Pizza My Heart and noticed that there were two lady bugs in my salad...and they were having sex!!! I kid you not, Mr.Ladybug was mounting mrs ladybug. I think it was an attempt to assert his manhood, after all his name does have "lady" in it.
I would like to pose a question. Would you rather have eaten the bug, or sunk your teeth into on someone else's chewed up gum? Decisions, decisions...
Gag!!!!
I think the little winged bug's family should file a lawsuit myself.
Oh, and your new "do" is so gangsta, love it!
Blech blarrrrgh bppppppdddddddd... that's my best spelling of a huge shudder! The only thing that is worse is a HAIR in your food. Surmounted only slightly if you have to pull it out of your mouth. (Bonus points if it's short and curly). God, I gross myself out!
Ew ew yuck yuck gross nasty sick! To mostly the bug, but the gum part's nasty too! Kids always find joy in the messes of life. I agree with Katie Kat, atleast it wasn't a hair!
Gack. I hope they comped part or all of your meal. And I'm with you on the under-table germ stew. Gotta give my kid a Silkwood shower after that kind of adventure.
I was half way through a spanish omlet and suddenly realized the strong flavor of spearmint along with a rather chewy sensation. I was with a new girlfriend and didn't want to freak her out so I just swallowed and tried not to look to disgusted. She never new and since I didn't have the evidence I couldn't really complain to the staff so... I survived but you can rest assured I didn't EVER go back to that particular restaurant again.
Too gross. Yes, children have no concept of hygiene. And now that you brought it up, what is with people sticking their frickin' gum under restaurant tables. F'ing pigs!
Sick. Half-eaten bugs and ABC gum. Ick.
This was distrubingly and grossly funny, but ... LOL at HW's comment.
That's as bad as the time I bought some chocolate covered cookies from Sams Club. I opened them up when I got home and started eating.... about the 3rd or 4th cookie I looked down at the cookie in my hand and saw little white worms. Two words. Projectile Vomit!
My husband and I were eating take-out from Cheesecake Factory on Friday night and my husband bite into his chicken and pulled out a nail (as in a metal nail for hammering)needless to say we both stopped eating and will never go back there.
Waiter - there's a fly in Bossy's comment.
JEEEEE-SUS! nasty.
And I don't remember eating at norms. What was that?
Maybe she would not have had said fly if she would have been eating her salad under the table with the kids. They are smarter then you think...
OMG, I laughed so hard I actually snorted! I can totally see my kids doing that with the precise timing and all!
Your readers may enjoy this story as well:
http://queserasera.org/archives/000825.html
My sister used to pick the stepped on BLACK gum off sidewalks and chew it. I'd take still-purple-gum over that any day.
And Islands has the best fries.
That kind of thing really makes you wonder what they're really doing back there in the kitchen. As nice as it is not to have to cook, eating out in general grosses me out - you just never know what you're going to pick out of your food...
Isn't that why we have acid in our tummy's?
I remember reading once about how the average person swallows at least 4 spiders during a typical year while sleeping. After that, the occasional bug-in-my-salad isn't so bad. I figure those spiders need food, too.
And that right there is the difference between kids and adults.
Delurking to say hi, love reading your blog. Keep up the great writing!
1) omg omg o m g. ew. My kids have explored beneath the table too - but I have turned them into germophobes :D
2) Thanks for making the whole feed available.
3) the pic of the new (non)hair cut made me laugh on a really crappy day, so thank you.
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Thankfully, my daughter is still young enough that we can convince her to sit in a highchair at restaurants. I don't know what my wife will do when that's over... she washes my daughter's feet when we get home if she was wearing sandals in a restaurant.
And...? Well? What did you say?
You made me throw up a little in my mouth..
Uck.
I was once enjoying a nice dish -- I can't remember now exactly what it was, but it had green peppers and was over rice. I think it was a beef stew of sorts...
Anyhow -- I'm munching away when I found a HUGE -- as in "2-inch" big white grub.
Looked like a fat tequila worm, but bloody HUGE.
I'm a man. I'm not given to girly fits of whatever, but this thing was missing its rear-end.
Odds are that I ate it.
I jumped up and RAN to the bathroom, managing to direct my stream of technicolor revulsion into the urinal.
Ugh.
When the manager/owner explained "You won't have to pay for that." I wanted to punch him in his nuts.
WTF?
You should be paying ME!!!
When he explained it was probably in the green peppers -- as if that made it ok -- I was even more angry. How did the cook miss that when cutting them up??
They had the gall to bring me a check for the drinks and my GF's meal.
WTF???
I took it to the counter, and explained:
I just ate part of a giant worm. My GF saw it happened. SHE managed to avoid the projectile-vomiting so far, but I was not so lucky. I now have the taste of vomit in my mouth, and my day is absolutely RUINED. I may not be able to eat in a restaurant again as long as I live.
And you think I am paying for ANYTHING?
Pu-LEASE!"
I threw down the ticket and walked out. Someone said something about calling the police -- I laughed out loud and said "PLEASE call the police because I refused to pay for a meal with a frigging GIANT WORM IN IT!!! PLEASE DO!!! PLEASE!!!! I'll even WAIT FOR THEM TO GET HERE!!!"
Sheesh.
DD
So much for my plans to eat at Islands tonight... thanks dgm.
Oh yuck!
Thanks for the warning. Going to be in SoCal soon. I'll be sure to skip eating at Islands.
Delurking to say "at least he asked". I never asked. Remember this if you don't want your children to end up like ... well ... me. ;o)
Happy Pumpkin Awareness Month.
Yuk, yuk, yuk. But Big Cat's story most of all ... I can't stand mint.
Kids , so funny. Hate the bug thing to
Now, I'm just catching up.....
But, ahhh, Islands. I loved that place until I found something unmentionable in my fried chinese strip chicken salad (which they had renamed something " Hawaiian"-y.
It wasn't the same from then on. Neither was Cocos with the same type of offending material....
Now, I'm just jonesing for some Southland action....
Are their any other restaurants I can ruin for you? I got stories about all of them in The O.C. ("Don't call it that.")