On page 14 of the new issue of Writer’s Digest, the mystery writer Morgan Hunt wonders aloud whether or not she should use foul language in her writing. I know this subject intimately. The most common criticism of Dad Gone Mad is…? No, not that I’m a t-shirt whore. And no, not that the “Recently” links on the left sidebar are busted. It’s that the language used here is “salty” and “scatological”. I therefore wondered if Ms. Hunt might have an argument I could use in my own defense.

(Wow. A whore AND a thief. Mom must be so proud.)

Ms. Hunt claims to ask herself three questions when facing the decision to have a character use a profanity:

1) Does it work for the reader?
2) Does it work for the character?
3) Does it abridge my integrity?

I felt compelled to turn these very mirrors on myself, if only for the exercise in self-deprecation and some good blog fodder.

I consider myself fortunate that I have long since eviscerated my own integrity, leaving only two criteria to examine. One point for me.

Does it work for the reader? For some, especially my sister, it works like Peaches and Herb. For my lawyer friend Brian, it’s poetry. But I can’t speak for the rest of you. I suppose if you’re here and you’re fucking reading this shit, you’re wise enough to see that the “salt” is entirely in context. If you can’t see that, you’re probably a douchebag cocksucker anyway, in which case you should be reading that blond Republican glory hound who hates Jews and gays and talks like someone with half a testicle.

Does it work for the character? Hard to answer. Are there characters here? Perhaps. And maybe my character is a guy who doesn’t know when to stop cursing. In that case, it completely works for the character. It IS the character.

I’m over-thinking this. Everybody just leave your favorite profanities in the comments. A vote for shit-eating cockmaster is a vote for FREEDOM!

Comments

My favorite somewhat unsavory word/phrase is douchebag cocksucker. I also enjoy saying dickbag and other such variations. The profanity must stay. It makes everything spicier. Freedom!!! Give me liberty or ...give me fuckin death yo!

I like "Motherless Fuck". I also like to say "Ann Coulter". Sorry, I meant "cunt". My mistake.

I fucking love the fucking swearing and would fucking swear all the fucking time if I hadn't gone and named my fucking shop after my fucking blog.

Keep up the fucking swearing, Danny, it fucking rocks. We New Zealanders can't get away with words like "douchebag" and "cocksucker", our accent doesn't lend itself to it, so go forth and swear for our poor fucking nation.

Bush

Years ago I had a boyfriend who angered a woman at his work. She, without skipping a beat called him a "sperm-gurgling cunt muscle". He was speechless.

I have to say, to this day, that is my absolute favorite.

He deserved it though. Still does, from what I've heard.

"cunt"

I'm so going to hell for this.

From HBO's DeadWood "Cock Sucking Cunt" .

Well, ummm, since my blog is called Chromed CURSES, I have a great appreciation for all your naughty words. Some of the ones I use often besides fuck and fucking are fuckhead, fucktards, befuckled, and fuckity-fuck-fuck. Those sum up how I feel quite nicely most times.

Oh.

And cunt. But that one is saved for special occasions because for some reason, it gives me a visceral feeling of crossing the line.

Go figure.

I'm a huge fan of "fuck" mostly because of its versatility as a word, but also for the delightful combinations that can be made with other words. One of my favorites: fucktard.

Being francophone, I have quite some salty curses:

Maudite plotte (fucking cunt)
Tete de queue (dick head)
Tabarnak (Fuck)
Esti (Fuck)
Calisse (Fuck)
Mange de la marde (eat shit)
Va chier (go shit, but more like Go fuck yourself)

And when you want to be creative

Mon esti de calisse de tabarnak de tete de graine, mange de la marde (my fucking fuck fucker dickhead, go fuck yourself)

Or any arrangement of the above-mentionned words are acceptable...

Vero

Looky here, if you stop the fucking swearing I'll be fucking devastated, because I get so goddamn sick of all the asshat bloggers who pretend they say things like "poot" and "darn it" when they're pissed off, but we all know they can lay down a good ol' fashioned "motherfucking jizz-swilling cock-licking twat" when the mood strikes them.

Curse on, my man, curse on.

Because of MY job, I have to "behave" all the time.. and can NOT cuss on my blog.. though I do throw in hell and damn and they can all just shove it!!!!!! So ... FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!! here is my favorite.. "fuckity fuck fuck fuck!" yipppee!

I realized that I self-censor a lot more since my (overwhelmingly mormon) family started reading my writings. I'm working on fixing that.

In the mean time, since I was well into my twenties the first time I ever heard "Clusterfuck", my current favorite descriptor for anything FUBAR is shamelessly stolen from Jon Stewart -- Catastrofuck. Illustrative, brilliant, and also useful as an adjective for all the ass hats in the day.

Oh. Yeah. Ass Hat is another personal favorite. *warm fuzzies*

I have to say, "fucktard" is my all-time favorite insult. But it's with love. Really.

From South Park: testicle-shitting rectal wart.

Cum-dumpster.

Wait...are we talking purely about insults, or just any cursing whatsoever?

De-lurking to say D.C.D. is my favorite:

douche-cock-douche

as in:

"What a douche-cock-douche"

I remain a great fan of fucktards. Maybe I just have occasion to use that one more than the others. Having grown up Catholic, some of my favorites aren't even "really" cusswords. Like "Sweet Mary, Mother of God!" Fuck makes all of those better, as in, "Sweet Fucking Mary, Mother of God!", or "Jesus Fucking Christ". My Dad loves that one so much that until I was eight I thought Fucking was Jesus's middle name!

My husband fell in love with me when I uttered "Fuck me running" on the phone one night. He knew then that I was the gal for him.

Similarly, I rolled out a stream of obscenities one night at my parents' house while watching basketball. My dad looked at me with utter disbelief, but with a twinkle in his eye, he asked, "Do you hear this girl? Where does she get that God-damned mouth of hers?"

Ah, no wonder my kid said "Shit" the first day in Christian day care.

The "C" word is AWFUL - and LL, is right on about it.
AND, AND - cursing in French - how much better can it get? Proper English anyone?
Fuckity fuck fuck is one of my husbands favorites .
Brianna - I thought I was the only one who knew "Fuck me running" !

I've gotten so used to censoring myself in front of my kids that I sometimes forget the euphoric feeling that comes from a well placed vulgarity, although I am starting to loosen up on the blog. The roadie I was in college would hang her head in shame that "fuck me long and gently with a chainsaw!" has not escaped by lips in over a decade. Even non-curse curses (such as "milk me" or "choke on my tit") are rare around these parts anymore. I must return to my roots.

Personally I use: Fuck, Shit, Asswipe, Fucking Asswhole, Mengia (Italian slang for penis), Fucker. Twat Stuffer (as in calling someone a tampon)
I guess that is it for now...

Oh...Dana made me think of something. In college my FAVORITE saying was : EAT ME RAW!! and SHIT PURPLE TWINKIES (it was the late 80's..in valley talk say, Oh My God, My Mom is going to Shit Pupple Twinkies when she finds out I spilled a bottle of vodka in her car!)

FUCK.

It is THE greatest word in the English language. It is PERFECTION in every way.

FUCK.

(idn't it purty?)

Growing up and experimenting with all sorts of profanity combinations has yielded a couple that I have grown fond of...
Big Ass Cock Smoker!
Shit Ass Monkey Lovin' Cunt Licker!

Don't ever censor yourself!!! I love the mix of your writing, don't ever change that.
With that being said

CUNT is my favorite - but only on select occasions - it truly needs to be earned

FUCKTARD is my most favorite that I can say

ASSHAT, ASSCLOWN, SPERM BURPER, CUM DUMPSTER, COCKSUCKER, and now thanks to TOC "TWATWAFFLE" are all tied for the next place in line.

Although yesterday this total idiot driver earned me yelling "what the heck are you doing twatwaffle???" and then I had to explain to my 8 year old son that "I don't know what it means, I just know you can't ever ever ever say it...till you turn 21."

I think motherfucking whore has a nice ring to it. And when in doubt, the simple, unadulterated, fuck.

I love a good bomb like anyone, but my husband's favorite under frustration is:

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!

Love that.

OH AND this lovely song (to row row row your boat)

Fuck fuck fuck a duck
Screw a kangaroo
Fingerbang an orangatang (sp??)
Support your local zoo

Fuck is the Swiss Army Knife of cussing you can't go wrong with it.

However when it comes to calling someone a name, cockbag and fuckstick are a couple of my favorites

Turd burglar.

And jackwipe.

Both not really swearing, but fun to say. Although I've been known to let a few too many F's and S's fly, but not in the internet, or at work (teacher). In fact, "Oh, shit!" is Dog-ese for "Mom dropped some food on the floor." She comes running. Even worked when she was being babysat by someone else--they couldn't believe how fast she came.

But I must thank you for introducing me to the glories of "asshat". Please continue to enlighten, oh great and powerful douchbag.

I've always been a fan of "Fuck you, you fucking fuck." (I think that came from A Fish Called Wanda.)

If profanity is part of you -- and I think it is -- then it works for the character. And as a reader, I can unequivocally say that it works for me.

My father (who drops an occasional "fuck" around his house) tells me that using foul language shows your limitations as a writer.

Maybe he's right, but to that I say, fuckstain shitbag cuntbuckets.

Dickwad

DGM,

While I appreciate the fame you've brought to me by naming me in a post, I need to clear something up.

Non-scatalogical cursing (e.g., "motherless cunting whore") is poetic and lifts you up as a writer. Sometime I use similar phrases in legal briefs.

But scatalogical language is offensive and debases the writer or speaker. I'd much prefer to hear my four-year-old daughter use the word "cunt" than the F-word that rhymes with tart.

Brian, scatalogical language doesn't debase the writer nearly as much as befriending a grown man who can't say "fart".

I was a 17 year old, Catholic grade and high school graduate when I went to work for a federal law enforcement agency at the age of 17 as an intern. Shit, damn, and hell were my "trifecta foul language" up until that point. then I met Paul G. Paul G. was a master of the word "fuck." He used it as a noun, an adjective, a verb, an exclamation, etc. At first, my virgin ears couldn't take it and I'd cringe. Three and a half years later...oh fuck! I fucking use the work fuck every fucking chance I fucking get!

But my favorite Paul G.-ism was once said about our evil receptionist. He called her a "fucking bucket of dog cum."

Exactly how many dogs would it take, I wonder?!?

Ouch. You've rendered me speechless once again, you motherless cunting whore.

Cocksucker! But only when screaming it at an 80 year old man who is driving slower than the earth rotates at the north pole while he's right in front of you on the highway.

Cum guzzling slutty whore

I am laughing so hard right now, bur I am also at work so my stifling laugh looks like I might be coughing up a hair ball or choking-it may sound juvenile but I think swearing makes things funnier! Keep it up!

I'm partial to "Douchenozzle" and "fuckstick" as well as "fuckbasket" and "crotchmonkey".

You're welcome!

While partial to the use of shit in any way it can be used (my son told his grandmother she was full of shit when he was just 3), I think my personal favorite foul phrase would have to be "he looked like a monkey fucking a football."

shit! I really fucking hate the word douchebag.
I tried whoring some of your shirts on my site yesterday...if you have a dramatic upsurge in sales, you can thank me then, k?

I like the "fuck me running" one... but there is an ending to it... "... and I'll never smile again"

Don't ask. I don't know. Hubby-ism.

Also, "if it was up your ass, you'd know."

ie: "where is the tv remote?"
"if it was up your ass, you'd know."

My hubby loves "cum-guzzling twatwaffle", and I must admit it amuses me to no end. I like "cumbubble" and also use "prick".

so, there are your fucken profanities. lol

SHITSUCKER!

My personal favourite is slut-fucker, which you can preface with whatever you prefer.

But for chock value I offer you two uttered (and later denied) by an old friend of mine, once upon a time: "Slimy Cunt Muscle" and "Vaginal Blood Fart." Niiiiice.

Twatwaffle may be the funniest word that I have ever heard. Seriously, just say it, Twatwaffle. It's god damn poetry.

I have an old friend I affectionately call "pencil dick".
I once got so mad at my husband I threatened to ripe off his fucking head and shit down his neck, but he just laughed and said I could try.
I also want to thank you for asshat. That one is a gem.
Wait, wait, I forgot "you fudgepacker", as in assfucker.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck - is great. That's a hubby fave.

Cocksucker became one of our faves after we started watching Deadwood. My husband will still occasionally say "Thanks for brushing up against my cock", a line from one of the episodes.

I also reserve cunt for those special times when someone truly deserves it. For some reason, that feels like the worst insult you can hurl at someone - I don't know why. Fuck you, you fucking cunt.

I've got to agree, twatwaffle is really fucking funny.

Jesus H Christ on a cracker!

(Don't know why he's on a cracker, but I use that one frequently, lol)

Fuctard and Asshat are also favorites of mine.

Ha, was discussing this with the LK just the other day. Thank you for confirming what we were saying.

A well timed Fuck. You just can't get any better than that. And not just linguistically, either.

When things are really deserving, a "HolyMotherFuckingShit" says it all for me.

Thanks, Cocksucker

Ha, was discussing this with the LK just the other day. Thank you for confirming what we were saying.

A well timed Fuck. You just can't get any better than that. And not just linguistically, either.

When things are really deserving, a "HolyMotherFuckingShit" says it all for me.

Thanks, Cocksucker

Those two links coincide with loss of dignity as opposed to integrity. I'm sure you still have plenty of integrity left.

Also: Fucktard. I love for its versatility. It can be used as a noun, adjective, or and adverb. "You caught that ball fuctardedly. You fucktarded asshole. Fucktard."

Pure comic gold.

This is just like that Bravo show that I never watch. The one where he asks your favorite curseword. Apparently you're practicing for posterity. My personal favorite is the underused cocksucker.

You kiss Hotwife with that mouth?

When I was in the Army it always took me a few days when I came home for leave to remember that I was a civilian again and how to talk their language.

Ah fuck'em! If the cocksuckers don't understand what your trying to say......

Shit damn fucker damn fucker damn damn
(there is a whole song to this ... but that's the main gist of it)

When something is going drastically wrong and there's no stopping it, a good round of "fuck!shit! fuck!shit! fuck!shit!" is always in order.

Am also a fan of christ on a bicycle.

Oh, and "for FUCK sake."

Quitting now...

I like to say "son of a mother fucking cocksucking whore" instead of just son of a bitch. It has more snap, I think.

Best cussing in a movie: ...you insignifiCUNT little fuck! Boondock Saints

Fuck, but the way Ben Kingsley drew it out into two syllables during his guest appearance on the Sopranos. Fuh-uck? The translation was something along the lines of "Are you fucking kidding me?" Classic swear, and I'm sorry, it's my favorite. I wish I didn't like it and use it so much, and I can drop the big words with the best of them, but "fuck" is just an all around, all purpose, multi meaning, great word.

Fuck me running.
Fuck me to tears.
You've go to be fucking kidding me.
Christ on a cracker.
Twatwaffle
Jesus Fucking Christ on a pogo stick with no pants on!

Feeling better. Thank you.

For me, nothing beats the Hebrew exclamation "cous ima shelcha"(translation: your mother's cunt).

Having a second language is useful for all sorts of things. Mostly, though, for cursing.

You had a fan ... of several years ... and loved the profanity ... until ...

"in which case you should be reading that blond Republican glory hound who hates Jews and gays and talks like someone with half a testicle"

Now that, my friend, was uncalled for and ground for un-subscription from your blog.

Why bring mesh insults and politics???? It will piss a lot of people off.

Nice knowin' ya.

Damn it. I just re-read your post and realize I totally took that out of fuckin' context.

Okay ... blame me or all those freakin' bastards that have been ringing my doorbell all damn night asking for shit.

I was distracted.

I'll go crawl into my hole now.

Happy ...

Happy ...

Hallo...

ween.

Sorry!

Fuck is the most versatile of curses. Matt Damon described it best on Actor's Studio. It's a verb, adjective, noun & can be used to fill in pauses: "And fucking......"

I reserve CUNT for my most vehement curses. I love and hate the word. The Brits use it like we use fuck. I'll slip it in without actually saying it by using; C-U-Next Tuesday. As in: " She's such a C-U-Next Tuesday". "Fucking Cunt" takes top ranks as my worst of curses.

Clusterfuck is a great describe all.

Useless piece of shit is a standard when I'm pissed.

Asshat or Dumbass relay human stupidity.

Douchebag, whore and slut are self explanatory.

Fuck me - for when I've had enough.

DILLIGAF - does it look like I give a fuck?

Cursing has become much more accepted and less offensive than in previous generations. Some claim that common cursing is another indication of the downfall of society.There are a few, mainly of older generations that claim to not curse at all.

They are fucking liars. Even my saintly grandmother, who passed 28 years ago said "shit". It was funny as hell to hear her say it.

Maybe the older generation is right. Curses are used so often now that they lose their shock value.

We'll just have to keep coming up with new ones. Twatwaffle somes to mind, and had me in hysterics!

Fucking rock on with the fucking swearing, I say.

Christ on a crutch! (sometimes he's eating Skittles too, I don't know why)
and
For Fuck's SAKE!

oh, and I'm from Boston, so I say "friggin" a LOT.

Fuckwit. Asshat.

Friggin' is also commonly used on the Canadian east coast.

Had a co-worker years ago who would say, "Jesus wept!" anytime she needed to swear, then say, "I'm not swearing. I'm quoting scripture."

Finally de-lurking after months of enjoying your blog.

Cum guzzling gutter slut always seem to make me feel better.

I'd never heard twatwaffle until now and that's absolutely going to make it into heavy rotation.

Danny - good entry, but the responses killed me. Some great shit there.
Two for me - "fuckitall" - as in "oh just go take a big ol' pill of 'fuckitall'".
Secondly is "cucking funt" - as in "Can you believe how that cucking funt in the Camry just TOTALLY cut me off?"
Happy Halloween ya' cocksuckers.

My favorite is cock sore as in, "he acts like a prick because he is a fucking cock sore."

Didn't I learn that here?

De-lurking to say:

Cock-Face comes to mind as a favorite and of course the ever popular Fuck, there is no other word quite as versitile! There's Dick-Fuck, Ass-Fuck, MotherFucker, And of course the never missplaced COCKSUCKER!!!!! Thank you ever so muck for reminding me just how usefull that word can be... Without that post from you, DGM, I would be without a wonderfully appropriate word on certain occassions (Thankyouverymuch) - So I say - Up with Cussing-Down with Censoring yourself!

Fuck is by far the best curse word because it can be used delicately wherever and however the user wants.

Cunt is not a necessarily bad word. It simply is an acronym meaning
Can't
Understand
Normal
Thinking

And can be used in a sentence as - my husband's first wife is a fucking cunt. ;)

Fuck a blue-balled duck.

Don't know where it came from but it's my fav!

Because I use it all to often

Oh for Fucksake

I agree with many, Fucktard makes me giddy!

and to you DGM-Fuck on-mutherfucker-fuck on

You curse a lot? Wow, what's that say that I didn't even notice?

Julie
Using My Words

Fucking works for me!!

That "Fuck a blue-balled duck" takes the cake. hahaha

I find blasphemy internally cringeworthy. Lately, I've been saying, "Jeeeeezus CHRIST inna chicken basket!" It makes me feel bad.

Is it a bad sign that I was reminded of the fantasmagoric expression "Twatwaffle" last night, and actually remembered (and was compelled) this morning to come back and add it to the melee?

What if I blame it on the Halloween candy and an overabundance of Blue Moon?

Hrm...... I'd have to say 'Penis-wrinkle' is in my top ten favorites~ and then 'cum-bubble'

I will have the "Fuck, fuck, fuck a duck" song stuck in my head all day....
Many already listed are in heavy rotation. Fuck me running is followed closely by fuck me sideways. I recall from high school "crusty cum bubble on a crack whore." we were so nice to one another... And I too cannot Wait to begin to use twatwaffle. Love it.
Oh, and thanks to an Irish girlfriend, I proudly use "Jaysus-Mary&fookin-Joseph!!" and feckin. as in I laughed so feckin hard i nearly pissed meself. Good times.

My favourite all-time curse is...

CUNTRAG.

It's succinct, to the point and one can add a plehtora of other good words to coincide with cuntrag...

Bleeding Cuntrag, Fucking Cuntrag, Tosspot Wanker Cuntrag, Disease-ridden Cuntrag, one gets the drift.

CURSE ON!

It's all words. It's natural. It fits.
You are an extremely talented and gifted writer.
And I'd wonder what the Hell was wrong with you if the swearing stopped.
DadGoneMad bends over for no one.

It's all words. It's natural. It fits.
You are an extremely talented and gifted writer.
And I'd wonder what the Hell was wrong with you if the swearing stopped.
DadGoneMad bends over for no one.

It's all words. It's natural. It fits.
You are an extremely talented and gifted writer.
And I'd wonder what the Hell was wrong with you if the swearing stopped.
DadGoneMad bends over for no one.

I really like fucktard these days. Or more acurately I like fucking fucktard.

Fuckity, fuck, fuck is also a favorite. It seems I really like alliteration. Well, fuckity, fuck, fuck!

What are there, like 60 million blogs? Yet someone stays around long enough to be offended by your "salty" ~snort~ language? Move the fuck on, you fucking fuctard!

FUCKIN'HELL!

Learnt it in England 4 years ago.

Couldn't live without it.

Another favorite is the very, very french: pute de vierge (virgin whore). Looooooooove it!!

Another one I use semi-frequently:
FIIK
Fuck If I Know.
Works best in emails, text, or chatting. Quite useful, really.
My favorite, multi-purpose expletive has got to be "for fuck's sake". Or if I am really frazzled, it will end up sounding like "Ohforfuckssake!"

I can't believe I am going to even type this, but as a secret lurking reader, I finally have to come out of the closet.

There were four high schools in my home town...the Old Money school, the New Money school, the Black school and the Redneck school. Lucky me, I got to go to the Redneck school, home of the Screamin' Eagles.

Our most popular cheer:

"Rat shit, bat shit,
Pussy don't smell...
Cocksucker, motherfucker,
Eagles give 'em HELL!"

(Pronounce "Hell" the proper redneck way as "HAY-ul.")

Oh...and I LOVE the fact that there is a Japanese car here named (and I kid you not):

LaPuta (the whore)

I think my favorite has to be shitgobs as in I would like to win shitgobs of cash. But i can settle for the regular "seven dirty words" as described by my favorite comedian of all time, Mr. George Carlin.

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits

i've always liked "ever-loving fuck," myself, and i've noticed myself uttering Jesus Christ! more often. rolls off the tongue, you know. so maybe "ever-loving jesus-fuck"? sad, really, that the list of curses than i love is significantly shorter than that of the ones that piss me off. 'cause i'm a delicate goddamned flower, see.

---i know this is not at all the point, but nobody else seems to use -my- pseudo-curse word, and i must share it with the world: shuck. isn't it brilliant? but, "shuck." not that i give a shucking shuck about those shuckers, and if you're going to be such a shuckwit about the whole shuck you can just go shuck . . . corn.

Posted on an apartment door in my building. "I'm gonna kill the Motherfuckerweaselface that stole my paper!" Says so much with one new word!

It's a new day and age, La Returno de la Swearo...I'm just waiting for all the old sacks of shit to kick the bucket so I don't have to worry about swearing. Who gives a shit...they're words. w00t

Fuck's always a classic, with asshat and toolbox for everyday use. Also bitchin' should have far more use then it does, both for anger and in appreciation.

Fuck's always a classic, with asshat and toolbox for everyday use. Also bitchin' should have far more use then it does, both for anger and in appreciation.

Danny,
Just recently found your site through another blogger. I have gone back in the archives and been reading posts beginning in 2005 and I only have one thing to say...
You rock! I absolutely love your scribblings and have, in a very short time, become a daily reader. I even linked to you on my (very new) blog, I hope you don't mind. If you check my blog, hate me and never want to be associated with me in any way, just drop me a hatemail and I will remove the link.
LG