On page 14 of the new issue of Writer’s Digest, the mystery writer Morgan Hunt wonders aloud whether or not she should use foul language in her writing. I know this subject intimately. The most common criticism of Dad Gone Mad is…? No, not that I’m a t-shirt whore. And no, not that the “Recently” links on the left sidebar are busted. It’s that the language used here is “salty” and “scatological”. I therefore wondered if Ms. Hunt might have an argument I could use in my own defense.

(Wow. A whore AND a thief. Mom must be so proud.)

Ms. Hunt claims to ask herself three questions when facing the decision to have a character use a profanity:

1) Does it work for the reader?
2) Does it work for the character?
3) Does it abridge my integrity?

I felt compelled to turn these very mirrors on myself, if only for the exercise in self-deprecation and some good blog fodder.

I consider myself fortunate that I have long since eviscerated my own integrity, leaving only two criteria to examine. One point for me.

Does it work for the reader? For some, especially my sister, it works like Peaches and Herb. For my lawyer friend Brian, it’s poetry. But I can’t speak for the rest of you. I suppose if you’re here and you’re fucking reading this shit, you’re wise enough to see that the “salt” is entirely in context. If you can’t see that, you’re probably a douchebag cocksucker anyway, in which case you should be reading that blond Republican glory hound who hates Jews and gays and talks like someone with half a testicle.

Does it work for the character? Hard to answer. Are there characters here? Perhaps. And maybe my character is a guy who doesn’t know when to stop cursing. In that case, it completely works for the character. It IS the character.

I’m over-thinking this. Everybody just leave your favorite profanities in the comments. A vote for shit-eating cockmaster is a vote for FREEDOM!

Comments

My favorite somewhat unsavory word/phrase is douchebag cocksucker. I also enjoy saying dickbag and other such variations. The profanity must stay. It makes everything spicier. Freedom!!! Give me liberty or ...give me fuckin death yo!

I like "Motherless Fuck". I also like to say "Ann Coulter". Sorry, I meant "cunt". My mistake.

I fucking love the fucking swearing and would fucking swear all the fucking time if I hadn't gone and named my fucking shop after my fucking blog.

Keep up the fucking swearing, Danny, it fucking rocks. We New Zealanders can't get away with words like "douchebag" and "cocksucker", our accent doesn't lend itself to it, so go forth and swear for our poor fucking nation.

Bush

Years ago I had a boyfriend who angered a woman at his work. She, without skipping a beat called him a "sperm-gurgling cunt muscle". He was speechless.

I have to say, to this day, that is my absolute favorite.

He deserved it though. Still does, from what I've heard.

"cunt"

I'm so going to hell for this.

From HBO's DeadWood "Cock Sucking Cunt" .

Well, ummm, since my blog is called Chromed CURSES, I have a great appreciation for all your naughty words. Some of the ones I use often besides fuck and fucking are fuckhead, fucktards, befuckled, and fuckity-fuck-fuck. Those sum up how I feel quite nicely most times.

Oh.

And cunt. But that one is saved for special occasions because for some reason, it gives me a visceral feeling of crossing the line.

Go figure.

I'm a huge fan of "fuck" mostly because of its versatility as a word, but also for the delightful combinations that can be made with other words. One of my favorites: fucktard.

Being francophone, I have quite some salty curses:

Maudite plotte (fucking cunt)
Tete de queue (dick head)
Tabarnak (Fuck)
Esti (Fuck)
Calisse (Fuck)
Mange de la marde (eat shit)
Va chier (go shit, but more like Go fuck yourself)

And when you want to be creative

Mon esti de calisse de tabarnak de tete de graine, mange de la marde (my fucking fuck fucker dickhead, go fuck yourself)

Or any arrangement of the above-mentionned words are acceptable...

Vero

Looky here, if you stop the fucking swearing I'll be fucking devastated, because I get so goddamn sick of all the asshat bloggers who pretend they say things like "poot" and "darn it" when they're pissed off, but we all know they can lay down a good ol' fashioned "motherfucking jizz-swilling cock-licking twat" when the mood strikes them.

Curse on, my man, curse on.

Because of MY job, I have to "behave" all the time.. and can NOT cuss on my blog.. though I do throw in hell and damn and they can all just shove it!!!!!! So ... FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!! here is my favorite.. "fuckity fuck fuck fuck!" yipppee!

I realized that I self-censor a lot more since my (overwhelmingly mormon) family started reading my writings. I'm working on fixing that.

In the mean time, since I was well into my twenties the first time I ever heard "Clusterfuck", my current favorite descriptor for anything FUBAR is shamelessly stolen from Jon Stewart -- Catastrofuck. Illustrative, brilliant, and also useful as an adjective for all the ass hats in the day.

Oh. Yeah. Ass Hat is another personal favorite. *warm fuzzies*

I have to say, "fucktard" is my all-time favorite insult. But it's with love. Really.

From South Park: testicle-shitting rectal wart.

Cum-dumpster.

Wait...are we talking purely about insults, or just any cursing whatsoever?

De-lurking to say D.C.D. is my favorite:

douche-cock-douche

as in:

"What a douche-cock-douche"

I remain a great fan of fucktards. Maybe I just have occasion to use that one more than the others. Having grown up Catholic, some of my favorites aren't even "really" cusswords. Like "Sweet Mary, Mother of God!" Fuck makes all of those better, as in, "Sweet Fucking Mary, Mother of God!", or "Jesus Fucking Christ". My Dad loves that one so much that until I was eight I thought Fucking was Jesus's middle name!

My husband fell in love with me when I uttered "Fuck me running" on the phone one night. He knew then that I was the gal for him.

Similarly, I rolled out a stream of obscenities one night at my parents' house while watching basketball. My dad looked at me with utter disbelief, but with a twinkle in his eye, he asked, "Do you hear this girl? Where does she get that God-damned mouth of hers?"

Ah, no wonder my kid said "Shit" the first day in Christian day care.

The "C" word is AWFUL - and LL, is right on about it.
AND, AND - cursing in French - how much better can it get? Proper English anyone?
Fuckity fuck fuck is one of my husbands favorites .
Brianna - I thought I was the only one who knew "Fuck me running" !

I've gotten so used to censoring myself in front of my kids that I sometimes forget the euphoric feeling that comes from a well placed vulgarity, although I am starting to loosen up on the blog. The roadie I was in college would hang her head in shame that "fuck me long and gently with a chainsaw!" has not escaped by lips in over a decade. Even non-curse curses (such as "milk me" or "choke on my tit") are rare around these parts anymore. I must return to my roots.

Personally I use: Fuck, Shit, Asswipe, Fucking Asswhole, Mengia (Italian slang for penis), Fucker. Twat Stuffer (as in calling someone a tampon)
I guess that is it for now...

Oh...Dana made me think of something. In college my FAVORITE saying was : EAT ME RAW!! and SHIT PURPLE TWINKIES (it was the late 80's..in valley talk say, Oh My God, My Mom is going to Shit Pupple Twinkies when she finds out I spilled a bottle of vodka in her car!)

FUCK.

It is THE greatest word in the English language. It is PERFECTION in every way.

FUCK.

(idn't it purty?)

Growing up and experimenting with all sorts of profanity combinations has yielded a couple that I have grown fond of...
Big Ass Cock Smoker!
Shit Ass Monkey Lovin' Cunt Licker!

Don't ever censor yourself!!! I love the mix of your writing, don't ever change that.
With that being said

CUNT is my favorite - but only on select occasions - it truly needs to be earned

FUCKTARD is my most favorite that I can say

ASSHAT, ASSCLOWN, SPERM BURPER, CUM DUMPSTER, COCKSUCKER, and now thanks to TOC "TWATWAFFLE" are all tied for the next place in line.

Although yesterday this total idiot driver earned me yelling "what the heck are you doing twatwaffle???" and then I had to explain to my 8 year old son that "I don't know what it means, I just know you can't ever ever ever say it...till you turn 21."

I think motherfucking whore has a nice ring to it. And when in doubt, the simple, unadulterated, fuck.

I love a good bomb like anyone, but my husband's favorite under frustration is:

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!

Love that.

OH AND this lovely song (to row row row your boat)

Fuck fuck fuck a duck
Screw a kangaroo
Fingerbang an orangatang (sp??)
Support your local zoo

Fuck is the Swiss Army Knife of cussing you can't go wrong with it.

However when it comes to calling someone a name, cockbag and fuckstick are a couple of my favorites

Turd burglar.

And jackwipe.

Both not really swearing, but fun to say. Although I've been known to let a few too many F's and S's fly, but not in the internet, or at work (teacher). In fact, "Oh, shit!" is Dog-ese for "Mom dropped some food on the floor." She comes running. Even worked when she was being babysat by someone else--they couldn't believe how fast she came.

But I must thank you for introducing me to the glories of "asshat". Please continue to enlighten, oh great and powerful douchbag.

I've always been a fan of "Fuck you, you fucking fuck." (I think that came from A Fish Called Wanda.)

If profanity is part of you -- and I think it is -- then it works for the character. And as a reader, I can unequivocally say that it works for me.

My father (who drops an occasional "fuck" around his house) tells me that using foul language shows your limitations as a writer.

Maybe he's right, but to that I say, fuckstain shitbag cuntbuckets.

Dickwad

DGM,

While I appreciate the fame you've brought to me by naming me in a post, I need to clear something up.

Non-scatalogical cursing (e.g., "motherless cunting whore") is poetic and lifts you up as a writer. Sometime I use similar phrases in legal briefs.

But scatalogical language is offensive and debases the writer or speaker. I'd much prefer to hear my four-year-old daughter use the word "cunt" than the F-word that rhymes with tart.

Brian, scatalogical language doesn't debase the writer nearly as much as befriending a grown man who can't say "fart".

I was a 17 year old, Catholic grade and high school graduate when I went to work for a federal law enforcement agency at the age of 17 as an intern. Shit, damn, and hell were my "trifecta foul language" up until that point. then I met Paul G. Paul G. was a master of the word "fuck." He used it as a noun, an adjective, a verb, an exclamation, etc. At first, my virgin ears couldn't take it and I'd cringe. Three and a half years later...oh fuck! I fucking use the work fuck every fucking chance I fucking get!

But my favorite Paul G.-ism was once said about our evil receptionist. He called her a "fucking bucket of dog cum."

Exactly how many dogs would it take, I wonder?!?

Ouch. You've rendered me speechless once again, you motherless cunting whore.

Cocksucker! But only when screaming it at an 80 year old man who is driving slower than the earth rotates at the north pole while he's right in front of you on the highway.

Cum guzzling slutty whore

I am laughing so hard right now, bur I am also at work so my stifling laugh looks like I might be coughing up a hair ball or choking-it may sound juvenile but I think swearing makes things funnier! Keep it up!

I'm partial to "Douchenozzle" and "fuckstick" as well as "fuckbasket" and "crotchmonkey".

You're welcome!

While partial to the use of shit in any way it can be used (my son told his grandmother she was full of shit when he was just 3), I think my personal favorite foul phrase would have to be "he looked like a monkey fucking a football."

shit! I really fucking hate the word douchebag.
I tried whoring some of your shirts on my site yesterday...if you have a dramatic upsurge in sales, you can thank me then, k?

I like the "fuck me running" one... but there is an ending to it... "... and I'll never smile again"

Don't ask. I don't know. Hubby-ism.

Also, "if it was up your ass, you'd know."

ie: "where is the tv remote?"
"if it was up your ass, you'd know."

My hubby loves "cum-guzzling twatwaffle", and I must admit it amuses me to no end. I like "cumbubble" and also use "prick".

so, there are your fucken profanities. lol

SHITSUCKER!

My personal favourite is slut-fucker, which you can preface with whatever you prefer.

But for chock value I offer you two uttered (and later denied) by an old friend of mine, once upon a time: "Slimy Cunt Muscle" and "Vaginal Blood Fart." Niiiiice.

Twatwaffle may be the funniest word that I have ever heard. Seriously, just say it, Twatwaffle. It's god damn poetry.

I have an old friend I affectionately call "pencil dick".
I once got so mad at my husband I threatened to ripe off his fucking head and shit down his neck, but he just laughed and said I could try.
I also want to thank you for asshat. That one is a gem.
Wait, wait, I forgot "you fudgepacker", as in assfucker.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck - is great. That's a hubby fave.

Cocksucker became one of our faves after we started watching Deadwood. My husband will still occasionally say "Thanks for brushing up against my cock", a line from one of the episodes.

I also reserve cunt for those special times when someone truly deserves it. For some reason, that feels like the worst insult you can hurl at someone - I don't know why. Fuck you, you fucking cunt.

I've got to agree, twatwaffle is really fucking funny.

Jesus H Christ on a cracker!

(Don't know why he's on a cracker, but I use that one frequently, lol)

Fuctard and Asshat are also favorites of mine.