I’m asleep. Not completely out, like to the point where I’m drooling and involuntarily twitching and nonsensically calling out that I need to empty the dishwasher, but my eyes are still closed and it’s early.

His door opens.

He walks around to my side of the bed, climbs up and crawls over my head to get between Hot Wife and me.

He pulls the covers off of me.

Once he gets comfortable, he begins to sniffle and cough and clear his throat. This is how he tries to wake us up so we can begin to serve him in the manner of his choosing. He wants French toast. He wants to watch TV. He wants company.

I want him to go away.

It’s early.

He puts his cold feet on my legs. Sniffle. Cough. Sniffle.

“Mommy?” he asks. “Am I buying lunch at school today?”

“I think so,” she answers.

He pumps his fist. “Yesssssss!”

“Guess what, Dad,” he says to me. “I’m buying lunch at school today – and I’m gonna have peetzaaaah!”

“Go away. I’m trying to sleep.”

“Whatever, Mr. Grumpy. You’re just jealous.”

I pull the covers over my head and try to stick little pieces of the sheets into my ears.

Sniffle. Cough. Louder cough.

His squirming shakes the whole bed. Through my makeshift earplugs, I can hear the mumbles of a conversation between my son (who is not asleep) and my wife (who is also not asleep).

“Snarfle mumble wah-wah-wah,” he says.

“Mumble mumble your wah-wah,” she replies.

I’m trying to sleep. It’s early.

“Garbled mumble snarfle,” he says.

I’ve had it.

I sit straight up in the bed, flinging the covers off of myself as I do so.

“GUYS! GUYS! SERIOUSLY! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP! IT’S EARLY! TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE, OK? PLEASE?”

I plop back down onto my pillow, pull the covers over my head and try to silence the frustration in my mind so I can get back to sleep.

I feel the bed move as the two of them dismount, walk into the bathroom, start mumbling and snarfling again. Someone switches on the bathroom light, and the glow from underneath the door permeates my warm, blue, flannel sanctuary.

I’m up. There’s no going back.

This is parenthood in its purest form.

Comments

Ahhh the joys of parenthood....

Well written.

You morning person you...

Amen brother. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over nine years.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

That's funny....cause my ex used to sleep through that and more. Hmmmm, maybe he just faked sleep better than you do. LOL

Where can we all get a copy of the Child's Handbook to Waking Your Parents? I think they must be given instruction on this in-utero. The cold feet, snarfling, wiggling, etc must be part of the handbook... I'm just glad my son does that now, instead of what he used to do - stand beside my bed, face at my face, and stare at me until I jolted up, arms swinging, with a rather loud scream. It is the creepiest thing, even when you recognize the face, to wake up to a face staring at your face.

Damn kids. This is every morning for me, except there are three boys trying to stick their icy cold feet on my back to warm them up. LEAVE ME ALONE. WANNA GO PLAY? WANNA WATCH CARTOONS? HAVE A BEER? JUST GO AWAY!!!!!!!!

MH
www.undomesticdiva.com

I have 3 kids. My almost-3-year-old just started getting up at 5a. Every. Day. Regardless of what time he goes to bed. He used to just play "quietly" on our bedroom floor, but -we all know- that's just not quiet enough. Through my sleep I can feel the quiet playing that's going on just mere feet from my head. Ugh. I really don't like to look at their little faces anytime before 6a. Really, that seems the most civilized time to start the bickering, I figure. I finally got him to head down to the playroom when he gets up. That seems to work okay. Ugh. Self-centered little beings! Don't they know how to respect the order of the celestial beings? Stars= stay in bed ! Geez.

Ah, I remember the day my son learned to put a movie on for himself in the morning. Who says TV can't raise your children?

Oh, how I miss sleeping in.

Oh, how I miss sleeping in.

I used to poke my Mom's shoulder with my index finger...over and over and over again. "Mom. Mom. Mom."

Parenthood? Puh-Leaze. Michael does this to me every morning cuz his job starts one hour earlier than mine...we're freakin' 40 years old!!!!

Hahaha....been there, done that. Just imagine if you'd had a late night and just gone to sleep at five am......

I get a gentle hand on my face and a very loud "MOM, are you awake? It's time to get me cereal".

That's when I ask myself, for the first of many times that day, "Why did I plan to have children again?"

Whoever it was that brewed the very first cup of coffee was obviously a parent.

It's kind of creepy. Were you in my bed this morning?

It's kind of creepy. Were you in my bed this morning?

Ah, to have children that sleep.

I've gotten to the point of knowing he's standing beside the bed, but trying to ignore him in hopes he gives up. No dice.

The last time I tried, it was "sigh" (followed by some heavy breathing. Then when that didn't work, slapping his leg with is hand. Then when that didn't work, swinging his blanket so that it swiped the side of the bed.

All small noises to be sure, but deafening in the silence that is my head trying to remain asleep.

I want to "win" this silent argument so I let him stand there anyway for 10 minutes before getting up and saying, "Oh, Good Morning. I didn't hear you."

Two can play at this game.

Your son's method of waking you up may be irritating, but I assure you it's less creepy than my method of waking my parents up when I was little. I would want to wake my mom up, but I was afraid of waking her up (she's so not a morning person), so I would go into their bedroom, walk up to her side of the bed, and just stand there. Staring. Silently willing her awake. There were many mornings she woke up to find a child creepily staring at her in her sleep!

You'll be able to get your revenge when your kids become teenagers and need to get up early to make the 6:30 a.m. bus to school.

You got it easy. I used to pry open my parents' eyelids to see if they were still in there. ;^)

ahahahahaa oh man this is my every morning only i am not a morning person...and it happens all night long first my son gets up...around 3am to pee...it never occures to them to go back to their beds...crawls in with me, but not because he wants to be near me...oh no!! he starts telling me that im in the way and to move!! then about 20 min later emily goes to the washroom and then she crawls in...my side of course'...that is when they start arguing with eachother over space and that is when i loose my shit!!!
ahhh parenthood!!
jul

That's funny, that is what happens at my house at 5am every morning except with our cats! ^_^ The nice thing about having cats and not children is that all I have to do is reach over and grab the squirt bottle and they haul ass! Or I can just shut them in the bathroom~ ^_^ ah..... the joys of pet-ownership~

Before my 15 year old son was 2 he would wake me up every morning. He had a very deep, husky voice and he would say, "Mama... Mama... eat." One morning he came in and said, "Mama... Mama... go potty...eat." He figured out I wasn't doin nuthin til I went potty. Still makes me laugh.

Stop your whining! This stage doesn't last that long! And... if you think you don't get enough sleep now. Just wait until you have driving teenagers.

My children woke me up this morning at 3:14 am. Up. Fully dressed. Already eaten breakfast. And wanting me to initial some kind of paperwork.

Our 5yr old still comes into our king bed almost every night and he likes to dig his hands and feet under our sides or legs, and when his nails aren't cut, it's a HORRIBLE WAKE UP CALL that I could have done without.

We've now gone to two comforters just so we don't have both of us going without covers.

I feel your pain.

and I share your joy :)

Every morning 6am "MOM IT'S TIME TO GET UP!, MOM, MOM, I WANT MILK!" Oh my I want just one day of sleeping till noon.......

You know, you should just learn to sleep with your eyes half open, so he can see only the lower whites of your eyes. My mom used to do that, and it freaked me out so bad that I wouldn't bother her until it stopped.

That lasted until I figured out that if I stood in front of her saying "Mommy? Mommy?" and just kept my eyes plastered on the ceiling, she'd still startle awake, and there was no going back to sleep.

But it might give you at least a few weeks of sleeping later (until he figures it out too).

Many times I've threatened to shake my kids vigorously awake at 3 am. Still haven't done it, though. Because I'm a paragon of restraint. Uh huh.

very well written-I totally identify with that feeling when you write "I'm up. There's no going back." -ugh already dreading Monday Morning....

I mourn with you, recounting all the times I have gotten to MAD to go back to sleep.

Wow. No wonder she's Hot Wife. She dismounts?

Now I know why my mother used to look at me with scornful disdain every morning, it was because I would wake her up by climbing into her bed at 6 AM. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I would offer her my first born to make up for being such an asshole at that age but I fear that would only make things worse.

Great Post! I have two boys and I usually get, "DAAAAAAAAAADDDDYYYY IIITTTTTT'SSSSS MOOOOOORRRRNNNNINNNGGG!!!" Over and over! Oh for just one Saturday to sleep until 8 am in a pitch black room!

If I ever want to sleep in, I run into another room and lock the door.

Until the daughter comes yelling outside of it for 15 minutes...

"there's no going back" pretty much says it all about parenting, dude.

I am blessed with sleeper-inners. I know, hate me all you want. My oldest used to lie in bed when she had woken and yell, "Moooom, I'm done sleeping" until I went into her room and told her it was OK to get out of bed.

That's why they put locks on bedroom doors. Lock him in his.

My boy says to me "Mom, I'm up, but I'll get my own breakfast." which wakes me up completely as images of spilled gallongs of milk dance through my head!

Cute post. I enjoy all your entries, but I'm afraid this one makes me think of all the mornings the kids wake me (the mom) up and begin talking to me, and my dh gets irritated that I don't instantly jump out of bed and take the conversation elsewhere... ummm... it's not like I want to be awake any more than he does! Just that the kids are more direct in their address to me, and not answering is really not an option. Are you sure hot wife was really as awake as you think she was?

Hmm... have you tried setting a timer in his room and telling him he can't come out until that timer goes off? I know that always worked for us. If he wakes up earlier than the timer then he has to read a book or play quietly (in his room! Not yours) until he hears the timergo off. If he breaks the rule then he gets sent straight back in and gets a warning (example: come out again and you get no breakfast!) Kids learn quickly, especially hungry kids.

I can remember this growing up. I learned to entertain myself and also I learned the value of laying in bed for a while and relaxing in the mornings. My parents got up to an hour more sleep some mornings.

My daughter likes to put her cold feet on my legs and then sandwich her legs through mine... while I'm desperately trying to cling to the last vestiges of sleep. Personally I prefer to be woken by a tiny block of ice rested on my skin over the soothing buzz of an alarm clock any day.
*cough*

Just wanted to let you know that I started reading your blog on 11/7/07 and just today I finished reading your entire archive and got caught up on all the new posts since 11/7/07. I'd usually have something witty to say..but not today, sorry.