Untitled
I cried last night. Twice.
The first time I cried was while I was out trick-or-treating with the kids. As we worked out way back home, the kids leaning to their sides from the weight of their sweet loot, I saw the ex-wife of my friend and neighbor Jimbo. He is nearing the end of his fight with liver cancer, so close that there is a hospice professional in his house whose mandate is to keep him “comfortable” with a morphine drip. He is not expected to survive through this weekend.
I want to tell Jim I love him. I recognize this desire may be for entirely personal reasons, and maybe that’s selfish. He is beyond the point of hearing my words. And since he has expressed to his ex-wife that he no longer wishes to accept visitors, I must make my peace in my own head. I must trust that Jimbo already knows how feel about him: that he will be loved and remembered and cherished.
I feel such a strange dichotomy. Incredible things are occurring in my personal life. I have seen and read and felt things this week that I have pursued for my entire adult life. But I have internalized none of it. The breadth of my emotional energy is overwhelmed by sorrow and empathy. There’s no room for joy.
The second time I cried last night was while I was telling my children that a man they’ve known since the day they were born won’t be around to love them anymore. I am not a very religious person and I felt like a spineless hypocrite telling them that Jimbo is going to heaven to be with God. But I didn’t know what else to say.
When I told them Jimbo is sick with a sickness called cancer, I said we still love Jim but we won’t be able to see him anymore and we are very sad. I told them we might be doing a lot of crying for the next few days, but I reminded them that they’re OK and safe. Mommy and daddy aren’t sick and we are not going to leave them.
My daughter asked, “What if mommy gets cancer? Who’s going to be our mommy if mommy dies?”
Oh god. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry for your grief and loss.
I lost my best friend to cancer when we were 21, so I DO understand the pain. By the end, she also did not want any visitors, but what kept her going was recieving TONS of mail... if she wasn't strong enough to read it, her mom could read it to her... it always gave her a smile, sometimes a laugh, and something to help get her through the day.
Even if it is for selfish reasons, I think that's okay -- a part of the process of losing a loved one and grieving is doing some self-care so that those left behind can continue to function in everyday life.
Oh God Danny..this death part of life really sucks.
I understand what you are going through 100% since one of my best friends died from ALS. The end is SO hard...especially being the "friend"...you are right it is selfish but in a good way. The grieving process is very selfish..you, hot wife, the kids, the exwife..everyone is going through their own selfish grief. Do what you have to do my thoughts are with you. I hope that it's painless for Jimbo.
Way to go, making me cry at my desk.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and your kids' loss. Like you, I am not religious and am dreading what we'll tell our son about death.
I hope that your friend goes painlessly and smoothly and that you get a chance to say good-bye.
Yeah, crying at my desk, too.
The only thing that seems to bring me comfort in times like this is I know I have another angel looking over me when a friend or relative dies. I believe that. It also keeps me in check when I want to kill someone.
I'm sure Jimbo knows he is loved by your family and knows that he's made an impact in your and your kids' lives.
I'm praying for him and for some respite from the pain of losing him in your life. Grief is there to heal somewhat. And time. Love those near to you and hold them tighter.
Hey, Danny. What an entry, esp considering today is the 13th anniversary of my fiancé's death in 1994. We lost him to cancer at the age of 23, and it was a long, horrid battle. Again, towards the end, he didn't want visitors, not even me (bastard), so I stayed away for 2 weeks. At 7:00 AM that day, his mother called me to say 'I think this is it' and I went out there to hold his hand until he finally lapsed into unconciousness sometime in the early afternoon. at 5:40 PM, he breathed his last breath... me on one side telling him it was OK to go, his mother on the other begging him to stay. When it was over, I went out into the living room and told the gathered friends and family that it was, in fact, over.
Over the next few days I had to explain to my smaller family members that he would not be coming back. It was one of the more difficult thing I'd had to do at that point.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You did the right thing, telling your kids the brutal truth. My grandmother used to tell us that people were 'sleeping'... ugh.
"The way to keep a person alive, is to always remember and love them".
Chae
All the way over on the east coast I'm crying at my desk too. I'm so sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. For what it's worth - My thoughts will be with you and Jimbo and all your loved ones.
I'm so sorry Danny. I recently lost my grandfather to cancer too but, strangely, it was almost a relief when he finally passed because it was horrible to see him suffering for so long. I hope all of you and Jim's family receive all the support and love you need over what must be a very difficult time. God bless x
Oh my heart breaks for you and Jimbo's wife and your kids and your wife..... Our hearts will be thinking of your as you cry alot these next few days. I'm so sorry.
i'm so sorry, dude. xoxo
Danny~ Your last two posts have brought me to tears....one because you totally cracked me up and the other from pure sadness regarding Jimbo. There is obviously no good time or way for someone whom you care about to die, and I am sorry to read that he is in so much pain and will not be here much longer. I hate those people who say someone is going to a better place and they are better off, blah,blah,blah. It DOES NOT make death any easier for those left behind so quit saying that people! If you truly can't think of better words of comfort then just tell the person you are thinking of them and then shut your mouth. You will be experiencing so many emotions over the next few months, sadness, anger, emptiness, happiness at recalling memories of your friend and more so please don't feel like you always have to be "on" for us. We understand. Cancer sucks!
wooo, so sorry for your loss. Am totally with ya on this one, lost my mother to cancer, now 14 years ago and not a day goes by ...
Thinking of you all xx
Oh Danny, I'm so sorry to hear about Jimbo. My heart is breaking for all. My daughter's dad died when she was nine, and telling her was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Explaining that I wasn't going to leave her, just as hard.
I'm keeping you close in thoughts and prayers. Even if you're not so religious, let those of us who pray, do this for you.
Danny
Lost My Father to cancer last year.
Thoughts and prayers.
Kudos to you for telling the kids the truth,
We did the same with ours, although it was harder at the time, they were better off because of it.
again thoughts and prayers with you all
Children ask the hardest questions.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
It is hard reading all your comments about your experience with cancer and loss but at the same time, helpful. I am sad about Jim and sad that he doesn't want to see anyone. I usually shy away from sickness and death but I really want to see Jim and tell him I love him. Hearing that many of you have experienced something similar eases the pain a bit.
Thank you for your kind words of support.
OK Danny, here it comes (I'm gonna catch a bunch of shit for this but who cares?)
You look your children in the face and LIE. "Mom and I are NEVER going to leave you." PERIOD.
Your kids are too young to hear anything else. If they were 10+, then maybe; 12+ then they get the truth.
6+ years ago my wife was diagnosed with cancer. While it was not life threatening, the surgery surely was, and the chemo and radiation made her sicker than anything. Our older daughter (then 12) got told pretty much exactly what was up, our 3 year old got only the info she could handle: Mom is sick but will be OK. (she is now 6 years post-cancer)
Sorry about your friend. Life sucks sometimes.
John, just up the road from you in sunny Pasadena.
I still remember when I was 9 years old and my dad sat us down and told us that our grandpa went to heaven and we wouldn't see him anymore. We didn't go to church and didn't really understand about heaven, but just hearing my dad say that my grandpa would always be with us somehow made sense. He told us that people would be crying and that it was okay for us to cry if that's what we felt like doing. Seeing my dad cry was tough. Having his arms around me while he cried and knowing he was still taking care of me even though he didn't feel so strong, somehow made it all okay.
Just wanted to let you know up here in the Bay Area we're thinking of you all and sending you lots of good vibes/love/prayers whatever it is you believe in.
I'm sorry doesn't really cover it, but I think you know what I really mean.
I agree w/what Shenley wrote about how kids seem to feel about the whole thing. Give them lots of hugs and know it's ok to let them know you're hurting too, but that it will be ok in the long run.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost a friend of mine to cancer earlier this year, he was only 22. It was a long, hard battle and he fought it with more courage then I think I could have. He was so full of life and had so much ahead of him (he was a very talented actor). Even though he was taken far too early, I'm thankful for the time that I had with him and I (even though people have mentioned that its cliche) take comfort in knowing that he is no longer in pain.
Time heals. Give it time.
Loss is a lesson...for everyone, everytime...and I am sure Jimbo knew you loved him. I am sure is has been abundantly clear to him for a long time.
Warmth and whatever comfort one personcan offer another in these times goes out to you and yours, and to Jimbo and his family.
Funny--in that sad way--how everyone knows someone who has fought cancer. I think leaving the story in your comments must be healing.
My mom died of breast cancer when I was 18--20 year anniversary is in January. I still cry.
I'm so sorry about Jim. It's so hard to watch someone suffer so horribly. :(
There has been a lot of cancer in my family, my husband's family and the family of our close friends. We have lost several family members and friends over the last several years and it never gets any easier. My husband's aunt passed away after a long, drawn out battle with cancer. We were there when she passed and it was one of the saddest events I have ever witnessed, not only seeing her that way, but also seeing her family around her, completely devastated.
I have no words for you, other than to say that I know that Jim knows how much you love him. I say this because I've seen posts in the past by you, and even a response or two from Jim, expressing his gratitude for having you as a friend. So, if you are at all worried that he doesn't know how you feel, don't be. He knows. You can let him go knowing that he felt your love and reciprocated it. (((hugs))) to your whole family.
My 87 year old grandfather died from cancer in August 2005. I was OK with it. He had parkinson's and hadn't been himself in a long time. He was tired and ready to go.
I lost my 61 year old Father April 13th, this year to lung cancer. He fought until the day he died (on the 28th anniversary of his own Mothers passing). He wanted visitors, he knew he was running out of time. There are no words to describe the pain and despair of this loss. No matter how much I'm hurting, my Mom has it that much worse. They were married for 44 years and were still in love.
Cancer fucking sucks.
Your kids will learn how to death with death by your example. Keep being open and honest with them about it.
Sending a huge virtual hug to you and yours.
Kids have a way of asking questions that feel like a punch to the stomach.
I'm so sorry about Jimbo, I know how difficult that is. I'm sure he knows exactly how you felt about him.
Cry now, cry somemore and keep on crying. While it doesn't really accomplish anything, it's better than keeping it all bottled up inside.
Thoughts with you and with Jimbo
My thoughts are with you and your family and of course with Jimbo. Cry all you want- it's good for you.
I am so sorry for your family's loss...there are no better words to be said. And there isn't a perfect answer to give your daughter; you and your wife know her better than anyone else-how much she needs to know now, and what can wait until she is a little older. Every child is different. I am sure Jimbo knows he was loved....comfort one another now and give yourselves lots of time. Some times it is hard to believe you will ever smile again, isn't it?
I am so sorry for your family's loss...there are no better words to be said. And there isn't a perfect answer to give your daughter; you and your wife know her better than anyone else-how much she needs to know now, and what can wait until she is a little older. Every child is different. I am sure Jimbo knows he was loved....comfort one another now and give yourselves lots of time. Some times it is hard to believe you will ever smile again, isn't it?
Sorry to hear about your friend, Danny.
The last line of your entry hit home hard. My friend is fighting cancer. She has liver and breast cancer. She's 32 years old and the mother of 3 beautiful kids. The other day she mentioned that she no longer has the strength to pick up her daughter - a toddler.
FUCK CANCER! FUCK CANCER!
I know most here stay away from posting about anything spiritual and you all might unload on this but...
Not being religous doesn't mean God dosen't know your pain and grief or hear your words. I gently encourage you to tell Him what you want Jim to know. Just lay it out like Jim was there in front of you. I don't claim to know if you'll feel better after, but it couldn't hurt.
Hi Danny,
I am Sean's Mom and he sent me your blog and also e-mails back and forth. All I can say is I am so sorry for what is happening to Jim. We have know he had Cancer for over a year now, but every time I visited he seemed to be ok. My heart aches for you and the wonderful neighborhood who will miss him so much. He surely won't be forgotten. He will be with you all through your shared memories, fun and laughter.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and Jimbo and his family.
Cancer sucks, death sucks, but life will go on. My Dad died of cancer 8 years ago and while thinking of it can still make me cry, I know he knew I loved him and I know he would not want me to wallow in misery, either....so I indulge myself a little, then I wipe the tears away and carry on.
It's perfectly ok for you to want to see Jimbo and say goodbye, it may be selfish but it's not a harmful selfishness. Perhaps, since he doesn't feel up to visitors, you can write him a short letter, to express your feelings, and perhaps reassure him that you will look out for his loved ones when he is gone...that might give him some peace of mind.
May God/Yahweh/The Flying Spagetti Monster/ comfort and sustain you in your hour of need.
A wipeout.
I am very sorry that you and your family are going through this difficult time,just wanted to add my support and let you know that a stranger from Australia is thinking of you and your friend Jimbo.
After having lost people suddenly- and never getting to really say goodbye to them- I've found that the best way to let someone know you love them is to share it with the ones they loved.
No one is really ever gone.
I wish you strength and peace.
*sniffle*
You are a good man, DGM.
It's so hard.
My kids have lost my parents and sister. It's really hard to convince them that *we'll* be okay -- you know?
Danny, still thinking about this. Can you possibly call his house, and let the caregiver (or ex-wife???) know that you respect his wishes about not having visitors, but you wanted to let him know you're thinking of him and that your whole family loves him dearly? Certainly they could relay that message...
DGM and Hotwife - Jimbo knows you love him. Even if you can't say it to him personally, he knows. The way you've written about him in the past, the way you describe him - he knows. Please be comforted by the fact that he knows.
Sending thoughts your way. I'm so sorry for you.
danny, hw,
he knows. that's why he doesn't need to see you any more.
I love all you guys.
xo,
d
I'm sorry you and your family are losing a dear friend like this.
I agree with wonderisis. He most definitely knows. Just from what you have written it is obvious that the friendship was a deep one.
We are not religious in any sense, but I have a strong feeling/hope that there is more to our existence than meets the eye, whether it is heaven, reincarnation, or something else. I hope it is like What Dreams May Come, where heaven is exactly what you paint it to be and you have a choice to come back and give Earth another try if you want.
Your kids will be OK because their parents will be OK. Grieving is part of life. Without the pain, how do we ever truly know the joy?
My thoughts are with your family and Jimbo's.
I'm not good about comforting people when this kind of things happen. I'm really sorry.
i'm so sorry that you're saddened that you're friend is dying. i know that there's God and His afterlife, so i pray for your friend's rising to pure peace. i personally promise you that we'll see him there.
Thoughts, prayers and love for all of you, and all of Jimbo's family.
I am so sorry, please know my thoughts and prayers are with you, your friend and your families
For whatever it's worth, my kids did very well when my mom died (yup, cancer)last year, they will surprise you, sometimes.
I am so sorry, Danny.
Thoughts, prayers, and hugs to you, your family and Jim's as well.
Oh, Danny, I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I believe too, that Jimbo knows and feels your love. It's so hard not to be able to say that last goodbye. My thoughts are with you and your wife and children. You are a good man and a good father, and remember that for all of the kids' worries and hurt, you are their hero, and you and Hot Wife have the power to reassure them with words and hugs and love.
xoxo
I have to tell you that ever since your initial mention of Jimbo long ago, I have often wondered about him; how he was doing, how his son was doing, if somehow he had received a miracle. I don't know why I would think so much about a man that I've never even met except that the picture you have painted of him is that of a wonderful, loving man, whom you and your family care greatly about. Who couldn't love Jimbo? It truely makes my heart break to hear that he is so near death. I just pray that he goes quickly and as painlessly as possible and that you are all able to come together and comfort eachother. My prayers are with everyone.
PS Your daughter's statement really got to me. Even though I don't have kids of my own yet, I often think about when I have them and how much I will want to protect them from everything, including death.
It's just so f'ing hard. Loving people means you WILL be hurt when they go. My mom passed away in August, and I still have a hard time getting it to feel "real." When somebody has been in your life so much (like Jimbo, for you guys) the space they leave behind seems impossibly big. It does slowly fill up with good memories that crowd out the sadness, but it's definitely a process.
I think what you told your kids was not only fine, it was perfect. They don't need to worry about the politics of dying (in a religious sense). They need to know it's all okay and that mom and dad really ARE going to be there for them... ALWAYS.
That doesn't mean that Goose's statement didn't pierce my heart though. It's a fear we ALL live with (parents and kids alike). All you can do is love them and hold them, and be there every minute. Show them that "being there" doesn't always mean physically -- it can also be in a spiritual sense, in a psychic sense, in a memory or in a familiar sound or scent.
My thoughts and wishes for a safe journey of Jimbo's spirit are with him and all his family and friends. May you all be overwhelmed with gratefulness for having known him, instead of grief when he is gone.
I can't speak for everyone, but I know that if I were in Jim's shoes, it would make me feel better knowing that my passing will be used to help teach a "life lesson" to the "young ones" in my life that I love.
If the is their first experience with death, it will stay with them, and it sounds to me as if you have done a good job of balancing out reality, with "information" that will help them understand what is happening.
I know not everyone aggress with me, but I think it is important to not completely shelter children from the ugly reality of the world. They will never learn how to cope. It's our jobs as parents to determine just how much reality to expose our children to, and when to expose them to it.
Again, it sounds like you are doing a good job with this. Letting your children know it's ok to express emotions (by doing so yourself) also speaks volumes to your parenting skills.
My sympathies to you, your family, and Jim's. May God (or whichever higher power) accept Jim into their loving embrace.
I'm sorry for you and your family and Jim's, Danny. Prayers all around.
So very sorry about your friend.
My friend's sister just passed away from breast cancer. Cancer Sucks.
May you and your family find peace.
He knows that you all love and adore him. Actions speak louder than words. You have shown him through your relationship over the years that you love him. He knows.
I am so very sorry.
I am so sorry that you are losing such an important person to you and your family. I admire you for being so upfront with your kids. Times like these can be scary for kids and being honest with them takes away a little of the fear I am sure. Again, I am so very sorry.
So sad for your loss. Having to explain it to children makes the cut just a little deeper. Best wishes.
Danny & Hot Wife,
Compose a letter, in your head, on paper, wherever to Jimbo. Read it aloud. His spirit will hear it and he will be assured that you love him. You know he knows it already.
Thinking of you guys. Hug the family extra tight.
xo
Annie
Danny & Hot Wife,
Compose a letter, in your head, on paper, wherever to Jimbo. Read it aloud. His spirit will hear it and he will be assured that you love him. You know he knows it already.
Thinking of you guys. Hug the family extra tight.
xo
Annie
It took me more than a week to respond to this post, but it has been with me since I first saw it. I'm an admitted lurker, but need to let you know that I, too, feel your pain and am sorry for your loss. I got *that call* right after Halloween, 4 years ago. Dad had small cell lung cancer, and a short time to live. I dropped everything and moved to be with him and my mom. A few days before Christmas, he died. I was with him as he drew his last breath. I love my father dearly and miss him daily. I cry when I speak of him, especially his last days. I am grateful that I could be there for him and mom and that I had the privelege of helping him pass comfortably. But it has left scars. I am relieved in some ways that no one else, except me and mom and the awesome Hospice nurse, were there at the end.
What I learned: Hug your children often. Let them know you love and appreciate them. Listen to them and answer their questions on their level. But most of all...remember how short life is. Don't waste it doing all of the things you feel that you *have to* do. Look around you and identify what is important. I'm grateful that I had a bit of time to make some more good memories with dad before he died. I wish I had the opportunity to make more.