Challah Back
The grocery clerk didn’t even look up. She merely continued to scan the bar codes on my cans of soup.
“So,” she said, “you all ready for Christmas?”
“We celebrate Hanukkah at my house, ma’am,” I snapped. “GOD! I came in here for groceries, not to be disenfranchised. I’ll thank you very much not to oppress my people. OK…[looking down at her nametag]…Mindy?”
I’ve decided to take the low road this holiday season. After 37 years, I’ve finally grown tired of playing along, tired of pretending to be something I’m not, tired of the lies. IT’S TIME TO RISE UP AND KEEP IT REAL, BROTHERS AND SISTERS! CAN I GET AN AMEN?
In years past, I acquiesced in relative silence.
The Oppressor: “So, you all ready for Christmas?”
The Victim: “Yep. All set.”
The Oppressor: “Get your tree yet?”
The Victim: “Mmm-hmm.”
The Oppressor: “Wow. You’re organized. All you need now is for Santa to show up.”
The Victim: “Yeah. Santa.”
Oh humiliation, how you burden me. Scenes like these are very much like the times I’ve purchased condoms or porno mags or Reese’s-Pieces-flavored sex lube. In that case, I have to pretend the items aren’t mine. But with Christmas I have to pretend it IS mine.
BUT BROTHERS AND SISTERS! IT’S A NEW DAY! LET THE FREEDOM WASH OVER YOU! GLORY! GLORY!
I’m going to one of those special sex stores today and I’m going to pick out some nasty-ass, demented filth – midget blow-up dolls and rubbers with feathers on them and maybe a DVD that shows people having sex with breakfast cereal – and I’m going to march up to that cashier and say loudly and proudly, “THIS STUFF IS MINE! I’M BUYING IT FOR MYSELF! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, I SUGGEST YOU LOOK AWAY! I’M A GROWN MAN…MINDY…AND I’M HOT FOR FROOT LOOPS!”
“No problem,” Mindy will say. “Paper or plastic.”
“Neither,” I’ll say. “I’m going to wear them now.”
She will then hand me my weirdness and say, “Merry Christmas, sir.”
“NO, MINDY! NO! I AM A JEW! I WAS CIRCUMSIZED WHEN I WAS EIGHT DAYS OLD! I’M GOING HOME TO EAT BAGELS AND POTATO PANCAKES AND KUGEL! AND TONIGHT, BEFORE I MAKE THIS LITTLE MIDGET HERE MY SWEETHEART, I’M GOING TO SAY THE SAME BLESSING THE GREAT RABBIS HAVE SAID FOR CENTURIES! BLESSED ARE YOU O LORD, KING OF THE UNIVERSE, WHO CREATED HONEY NUT CHEERIOS AND FORTIFIED THEM WITH NINE VITAMINS AND MINERALS! RRRROOOOWWWWWR! AMEN!”
And then Mindy will call the authorities and I will spend the rest of Hanukkah in a prison cell with a drunkard named Carl.
But I’ll tell you right now: if Carl tries to wish me a merry Christmas, I’ll cut him.
(But not before I say the blessing.)
Amen.
Ummm... Happy Hanukkah...
Enjoy your latkes...
Roxy said it first, right down to the "ummm..."
Happy Hanukkah. Have eight crazy nights.
Seriously? I think I got over the whole "the majority of people in the US celebrate Christmas and I don't" thing in kindergarten. It's the world we live in--deal with it. In fact, a simple "Happy Holidays to you" usually suffices if you don't actually want to utter the word "Christmas."
Happy Hanukkah, Dan! ;oP
Being Pagan I feel the same way... but if I demur and say "Actually, I don't celebrate Christmas, I celebrate Yule," people just go "Durr... what's that?"
Happy Merry Wonderful Eight Crazy Nights of Hanukkah!!!
Christmas is for cocksuckers.
(I keeed I keeeed)
LOL!! It's so funny that wrote this post today, because last night I had to calm my quite irate boyfriend about the same issue.
He needed to pick up some candles for the Menorah, so he decided to stop into Target on his way home from work. Well he was very upset to find that Target does not carry ANY products for Hanukkah, except a few crappy roles of blue wrapping paper while there are 15 aisles dedicated to Christmas. Now, I'm not Jewish but out of love for my boyfriend and the Jewish people I do find this ridiculous, especially living in LA which has a very large Jewish community. And Jews LOVE Target, but where is Target's love for the Jews??
Well, lucky for him (and me) I was able to find some candles from last year, so the Festival of Lights was able to commence last night! But, not before there was a very strongly-worded letter written to Target.
I hope that you and your family have a very happy Hanukkah!! mmmmmmm.....latkes.....
Annoyed and others,
If you have read this site with any regularity, you know it takes a lot more than "Merry Christmas" to truly offend me. I am perfectly capable of "dealing with it."
Do you ever have those days when you just want to scream? When the world just won't give you a break? I've strung a few of those in a row this week and what came out was a entry full of faux rage and sexual deviance. Purely fictional, obviously.
Everyone breathe. Objects in blog are faker than they appear.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Peaceful Yule and whatever well-wishings apply to your faith to all.
Whenever someone says 'Merry Christmas' to me I just keep walking and yell, 'Fuck you.'
Not really, but wouldn't that be a crazy thing to see outside the sex shop?
Wow. I live as a minority in a Muslim country. When someone wishes me a pleasant Aid al Kebir and asks me if I have purchased my sheep yet for the annual sacrifice, I realize that they are just excited about the celebration that they are planning to participate in and want to share some of their joy and excitement.
I think you are being a bit hypersensitive. (Said in a friendly and gentle tone, with no intent to be offensive.)
You could simply say, "No, I'm Jewish. We are preparing for Hanukkah" with a smile on your face. I bet you would actually accomplish your hope of making people think while being inoffensive in your matter at the same time. Just something to consider.
Anyway, Happy Hanukkah. :)
Next time, tell them you're Jehovah's Witness.
Doh! I just read your other comment. I missed the fictional"fakeness" of your post and your humorous intent. Sorry. I finally read your comment below.
(Goes off to write note to self to remember to read all comments before writing one...)
I snorted at "I'll thank you very much not to oppress my people...MINDY."
I think Annoyed's just jealous because you got the last midget blow-up doll.
Yeah - I usually just say "Thanks, but I'm Jewish and did you know that we wrote all your best christmas carols? Also, what's the deal with Jesus hating trees so much that he makes you kill them and decorate their corpses?"
Then security asks me to leave.
I prefer to wish them a Merry Christmas and then apologize for killing Jesus.
Actually, I am almost never wished a Merry Christmas. That is probably because I look like a typical Jewish lawyer/accountant/banker and have the last name to match. Consider your self lucky. Mr. Evans. You have only the somewhat large (OK... huge) nose. Everything else about you and Hot Wife look Mormon, or at least Episcopalian. Why don't you just change your last name to Christianson or Hitler?
happy freaking festivus. Get over it. We're in the minority. We don't live in a culturally sensitive world nor should we have to. People live their lives. I say Merry Xmas and have my whole life even though I'm Jewish. What's the big deal. It's like saying "I hope you have a nice day".
I love it when my kids speak up. It is so cute coming from them.
BG, bite your tongue!
Oh, Danny, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time...and I am mostly laughing at the comments. You must have a bunch of new readers... this was funnneeee. Love your sense of humour. As always.
There is actually a city ordinance in Irvine that says public employees cannot use the word "Christmas" - the nerve! ;)
Happy Candle Lighting Week to you and yours!
Mindy? I've known three Mindys and all of them have been Jewish. (Two of them have been freaky-wild. Coincidence? I think not.)
You could have tried "Thank you Mindy. We're having a Saturnalia party. Would you like to come?"
I'll have you know that I was at Chuck E. Cheese the other day where they played ALL Christmas music for like two hours and I got offended.
And may I also ask: What is with the internet lately? It's like everyone is suddenly in a pissy ass mood.
I celebrate the very merry Christmas holiday, but my husband, being a good lapsed Jew, still likes to light his menorah. I tried to convince him that he should pitch a fit at the grocery store for tricking him into buying Christmas items (all of which they now label "holiday" in the interest of being PC and not offending any Jews on a warpath of cutting their cell-mates) but the only people he said he'd consider giving a hard time about tricking his poor oppressed people were the boy scouts on the corner selling "Festive Holiday Trees".
I mean, really, who do they think they're kidding. Alright, I'm going to go shine up my festive holiday candelabra now.....and then light up my festive indoor holiday of choice evergreen.
Cause I wouldn't want to get too specific.
I'm afraid I might get cut.
i'm currently living in okinawa as a military wife and i can tell you - you have no IDEA what a minority is until you live in very small town USA or out of the country.
i'll be attending a hanukkah party with my daughter and the 10 other jews on the island tomorrow evening. (ok, it's more than 10, but you get the idea)
the funniest is that in the commissary (grocery store) they had a "hanukkah" section. it was made up of boxes of candles, matzoh ball mix, soup noodles, and potato kugel boxes. looked more like a passover setup than a hanukkah one - i joked with my hubby that some dude in the back was all, "oh crap, what do we have that we can put out there? just grab anything that says 'manichevitz' and make a table. yeah, next to the fruitcake is good."
loved your post, dad gone mad. i challah right back atcha.
Am I the only fish eating, beer drinking, Cat Licker here? I'm suddenly feeling very lonely. Oh well...I'm off to play some Bingo!
ohh-MEIN!!
thanks for giggle!
Fuck YEAH!
I love you! Happy Chanukah.
xo
Message to db:
I also had a Jewish girlfriend named Mindy. She, too, was wild. So wild that she pressured me into losing my virginity to her. At the risk of sounding like an ingrate, she was a total whore in so many ways -- not all of them good. Jewish parents everywhere must learn from the experience of db and BG and NOT name your daughters Mindy. (Note to DGM and Hot Wife: I'll kill you both if you tell Mrs. G. about this post. Thanks.)
The whole Mindy thing was meant to be a tip of the cap to Superbad. The scene when McLovin tries to buy booze with his fake ID is pure genius. "Hello...'Mindy.'"
happy festivus.
"I will spend the rest of Hanukkah in a prison cell with a drunkard named Carl."
classic.
aaaahhahahahaha, awesome post and Happy Hanukkah!!!
This is the time of year where I want that t-shirt with a scene of Bethlehem, star in the sky, and a speech bubble that says "It's a Girl!". Either that or a t-shirt to wear while I shop that simply says "I'm a JEW".
LOL @ Kate...Jehovah's Witness...LOL...Genius! Still trying to figure out how you guys could possibly look Mormon...I know people that actually look Mormon...they have that whole Birgham Young squinty eye thing going on...you can just tell they're Mormon...but you guys? Not at all...
Been thinking about the Evans family as the holiday season has come upon us...Happy Hanukkah!
Oh Danny, you're a delight to read as always. I was filled with thoughtful comments until I read the others ... and saw that everyone else was too! I was raised Catholic (though like to say now that I "gave it up for lent"), have grown to be pretty anti-organized religion, am mistaken for a Jew on a daily basis and truly just celebrate Festivus. You know why the "energy" on lots of blogs seem a bit intense, as of late? Because we all need to "air our grievance". Those Costanzas were onta somethin' ...
If the drunkard's name is Samuel, will you two say the blessing together before you cut him?
DylansDad cracked me up.
"I prefer to wish them a Merry Christmas and then apologize for killing Jesus."
It struck me along the lines of the worlds best insult trick where you start off your insult with 'Bless their heart...'
Then again, I have been occupado today, with words no parent ever expects, or wants to, hear: "Mom? I just bit Jack's tongue." Jack is our 8 month old puppy, and the child who did the tongue biting is also 8.
Sometimes the best defense is to just nod and smile, while slowly backing away...
See... THIS is why we just suck all meaning out of the holidays and instead celebrate Commercialism each year at our house. So much easier, I tell you.
Merry Commercialism & Happy Buying.
MH
www.undomesticdiva.com
love it, love it, love it.........Oh I am laughing so hard.......
I actually am a Jehovah's Witness. We are everywhere.....
Happy Hanukkah!
Kate
Hahaha!!! Well, that's sure one way of expressing yourself. I wouldn't wanna be near you when you're in a mood. *cackle*
Actualy, I would never believe that you could be in such a bad mood over Mindy.....hahaha!!
Merry Christmas! (oops...sorry)
Happy Hanukkah! As a noon believing heathen, I know exactly how you feel. Blessed be the Honey Nut Cheerios.
I tend to celebrate the Ecumenical Fecundity of Later December, which includes Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, Eid, and my birthday.
Best EFLD present so far: a t-shirt with a picture of Chewbacca wearing a yarmulke with the word “Jewbacca” written underneath.
Happy Star Wars Everybody!
You think you've got it bad?
- So, you celebrate Christmas?
- No.
- Hanukka?
- Nope. I was born a muslim
- Ah! So you have Ramadan?
- Well, I don't practice. I gave up religion a while ago. I have no idea when is Ramadan.
- Do you celebrate anything?
- Halloween...Thanks Giving and Boxing Day (the shopping day after chirstmas in Canada)
I once had someone ask me if I celebrate Christmas for fun. Also, this year someone asked me if Jews celebrate Thanksgiving.
I think Kyle said it best when he said, "It's hard to be a Jew at Christmas."
Happy Channukah!
Happy Channukah to the Evans Family!
Amen, Happy Chanukah. We go through the same Christmas thing here. Yesterday I had to ask 3 grocery clerks where the gelt was, none of them had a clue till I explained the little gold coins, oh "their on the Mexican aisle", was the response.
Seesh.
Happy Hanakkah...
They make Reese's-Pieces-flavored sex lube? Wow, who knew. :)
I ain't no Challah Back Girl!!!
I ain't no Challah Back Girl!!!
Good for you. You're a bad, bold, biblical brother!
Stay Jewish!
HMMMMMM..
And do you know why Jewish women wear "GOLD" diaphragms?? lol
Happy Hanukkah!
What ever happened to Freedom of speech FREEDOM OF RELIGION.
Dad gone mad I love your blog keep up the good work, and Happy Hanukkah!!!
Oh by the way Hot for Fruit Loops!! "CLASSIC"
Being someone fromm the Genital persuasion I gave all of you Jewish folks a shout out Wednesday on my blog. Funny stuff Dad. Cheers!!
Admit it - you just wanted to use that title. And, well, it WAS a good one.
Shit. I just named my daughter "Mindy" and now she is going to be a sex freak. That sucks. And we're Jewish. Another Jewish Mindy. But she's a Guatemalan Jew, so maybe she stands a chance. Plus, we're really bad Jews, so maybe it won't count.
That's my favorite bracha ever! I think I shall make my kids say it every morning before breakfast.
Happy Hanukkah to you and yours.
Angry tribesmen crack me up.
Shalom, muthafucka! :-)
Yeah but how do you really feel about it?
- Matt_Man are you really of the GENITAL persuasion or was that supposed to be Gentile? Cause you know I believe we are all of the genital persuasion ;-)
I so LOVE that I'm not the only person who has days like this! (Although, I'm not Jewish, but, ya know... right on brutha!)
Happy/Merry Chrismahannakwanzika!
psst. you should totally join me in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. no black friday. no cyber monday. no nothing. think about it.
While strolling past another shitty arts & crafts table at our local farmers market this weekend, a woman asked me and my boyfriend "have you sent your christmas cards yet?" she looked puzzled when we replied "we don't send christmas cards, we're atheists. thanks anyway."
She would catch more flies with "holiday cards" though. I briefly considered winter solstice cards this year.
Oh this is so funny.
I'm Christian and I don't understand how anyone who reads this could be remotely annoyed. I guess they don't get it. Or get you. Can't we all just get along?
(Didn't he get shot recently?)
Oddly enough, at my daughter's preschool I was complaining of the reverse. The supposedly secular school was all into Hanukkah but apparently merely uttering the word Christmas is cause for alarm (or damn close to it). They wanted to call it "Santa Visits". So I had to get all Can-We-Put-The-Christ-Back-In-Christmas on them; just asking for a little respect...
Happy Hanukkah dude. To you and Hot Wife and the kids - and the blowup doll.
Now, I absolutely must go to Israel and write a blog entry about the nerve of people to wish me a Happy Hanukkah, when I am, in fact, an atheist and gentile. Damn you Israelis for your lack of cultural inclusiveness in your greetings and idle chit-chat, DAMN YOU.
Ok...so people shouldn't make any sort of effort? That's what I'm hearing.