Seat 119
Although my entertainment preferences slant dramatically toward heathenism and aggression, I’m not above experiencing a little culture here and there. In fact, when my in-laws invited Hot Wife and me to join them for a play last night, I felt a wee bit giddy about the idea. I attribute this sensation to the realization that I’ve made such a habit of acting like an asshat in front of others that the opportunity to watch someone else do so was as exciting and life-affirming as opening a new tube of KY.
We arrived at the theater about 10 minutes before the show and the first thing I noticed was the stark demographic reversal. Two nights ago I was at a professional hockey game, seated amongst 15,000 boisterous, bloodthirsty pottymouths, including the guy in the front row who shouted I HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER! at the poor, dumb schmuck in the visitors’ penalty box. The very next night, at the play, I found myself shuffling past a row of bluehairs, trying not to step on their arthritically gnarled toes on the way to my seat – seat 119.
Not long after we sat down, a tall, thin woman with glasses on the tip of her nose appeared at the end of our row. She looked down at her ticket, then up at me. Ticket, me. Ticket, me. I made eye contact with her and she said, “I think you’re in my seat.”
This happens all the time at hockey games. Some drunk twatsicle comes ambling down the aisle and mumbles, “Yo, bro, you’re in my seat, dude.” Again, we’re talking about an entirely different demographic, and at the arena you can halt this sort of confusion by telling the drunkard to suck your dick and/or go cry to the usher and try not to trip on his skirt on his way back down the aisle.
The theater hardly seemed like the place to take that vitriolic posture. If only to remind myself that I can behave in a civilized manner, I took the high road with the woman at the end of the row. I pulled my ticket stub from my pocket and looked at it.
“Row C, seat 119,” I said. “Is that what yours says, too?”
“Indeed it does.”
My mother-in-law came to my defense. “We’ve had these same seats for 20 years,” she said. “I’m positive we’re in the right place.”
That comment seemed to summarily sink the woman’s battleship. “I think I’ll go ask an usher,” she said.
Wow. That was easy.
Three minutes later the woman returned, this time with an usher in tow.
“Can I see your ticket stub please, sir,” she asked.
I rolled my eyes and passed the stub down the aisle. Again.
The usher held my ticket in one hand and the other woman’s ticket in the other. Left hand, right hand. Left, right. Left, right.
“Hmm...” she said. “Did you trade tickets with someone else?”
“No,” I said, a little pissed that she was taking the other woman’s side. “I did not trade tickets with anyone. I’m am a guest of someone who has reserved these same seats since you still had your real teeth.”
Oops. My inner hockey fan was showing. Hot Wife pinched my leg to remind me to be civil.
The usher seemed not to have heard my insult. She simply looked back at the tickets – left, right – and said to the woman, “Looks like we need to go have a talk with the ticket office. Follow me.”
As they turned to go, the woman scowled at me and said, “Thanks for nothing.”
In the parlance of theater patronage, this is the equivalent of saying, “Fuck you.”
“OH YEAH?” I said, now standing and yelling in full hockey fan mode. “I HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
Tears from laughter!
Tears from laughter!
Niiiice. He shoots, he scores!
Laughing right out loud. This is why hockey will always be superior to the theatre.
But, how was the play?
Hilarious! Hope you enjoyed the play!
OMG .. haha!
You're a new read for me, and I have to say that I'm enjoying your posts. I will be back. =)
Go Danny!!!!!!!
I, too, hope you enjoyed the play.
heh, you kill me. so what happened with the seats? Let me guess...the old bat had the wrong night?
Bwahahahahahaha!
Did she then tell you to suck her dick?
My husband would've turned to me and said, "Well honey, looks like this nice lady needs a seat. I'll be a gentleman and let her have it. Though, gosh, I really hate to miss this play."
Then I'd find him at the bar down the street...watching a hockey game.
This cannot be how this story ends.
WHO HAD THE RIGHT SEATS?
Inquiring minds want to know.
that is TOO funny!! there are only a few blogs that are daily reads for me and you are #1 on the list!
HA. HA. Love it.
I feel like speaking "hockey talk" whenever we venture over to my mother-in-laws. This is probably why my 3 year old has four-letter word issues.
MH
www.undomesticdiva.com
No witty comment here. Just wanted to say you made me LOL and wake my baby up dang it!
Ha, that's great! But like others, I want to know why she had YOUR seat number on her ticket? And if you spent the majority of the play discreetly flipping each other off in the darkened theater? :)
Oh come on now, you didn't really say that ;)
Oh man.. I found this page by accident and it is definitely going to be a daily read for me now.
You have to watch out for the older play going set. They'll take out your kneecaps in parking lot. That's what the canes are really for.
So that was YOU????
I will now be incorporating "twatsicle" into my lexicon. Thank you as always, my friend.
Its killing me... WAS SHE IN THE WRONG AISLE? SECTION? ROW?? THEATER??
Its killing me... WAS SHE IN THE WRONG AISLE? SECTION? ROW?? THEATER??
Its killing me... WAS SHE IN THE WRONG AISLE? SECTION? ROW?? THEATER??
That's beautiful.
HAHAHAhAAAA. That gave me a good laugh! What the heck were you suppose to do anyway? Give her your seat? What would you do? Not sit with your family?
Haha, I'll be chuckling for days now
Yep. Those theater types. Always picking on the jews.
ps - my captcha code for that comment was
2ksexy
awesome!
"...you can halt this sort of confusion by telling the drunkard to suck your dick and/or go cry to the usher and try not to trip on his skirt on his way back down the aisle."
Sweet baby Jesus...you are one funny dude. I hope you DID say that!!!!
I have found that as a woman, telling someone to go suck my dick is most effective whist breastfeeding in public.
Hey....quit lookin' if you don't like it fer Christ sake!!!
Hilarious, we do want to know if the usher & lady ever returned.
I have added you to my Proud Papas of the Universe blogroll, thanks to Joeprah and numerous others who led me here.
Please tell me there were questionable crotch thrusts involved...
And THIS, my friend, is why you will always find me at a hockey game over the theater. Not that there isn't some good in theater, but dang they freak when you scream to "throw off the gloves and knock the crap out of someone already!"
Had I been watching your dignified conversations, trust me, I would've been yelled it for you.
I love reading your blog, and can't miss it for more than a day or so. I was caught reading Dad Gone Mad in the Blogger's Lounge at MacWorld, and as a result I was mistaken for you...Go figure!
DeLurking!
So, what play was it that attracted so many old ones?
GO STARS!!
LOL! As someone who works the office side of the performing arts I have seen this exchange between patrons more times than I can count and the next time it happens I'm sure to start laughing thinking of you yelling "Hockey Speak" at a blue hair....MawHawHaw!
First time reader - fell off my chair at work laughing.......(hockey fan myself - the "and don't trip on your skirt" is AWESOME............)
I have the same problem.
There's always a fat ass sitting on my seat.I'm not even polite any more. I just say get out of my seat. If they say something I just say that it's my name on the seat. People with season tickets have their name printed on their seats, which is a cool feature...