By some stroke of good fortune, three different girls saw fit to kiss me by the time I graduated college. One even referred to me as her boyfriend. But as each of these poor, misguided girls could attest, I had no idea how to kiss a girl. Where do you put your tongue? What do you do with all of the slobber? How do you know when it’s OK to start touching things? In true nerd fashion, I figured there must be some sort of textbook on the subject, some literary guide to navigating romantic awkwardness, but I never found one. Through trial and error (mostly error) I managed to find my way around a woman without being slapped, pepper-sprayed or incarcerated.

In the summer of 1993, I had a freshly minted bachelor’s degree and no clue what to do with it, so I agreed to return to the summer camp I’d attended as a kid to work as a counselor. I met Sharon the day I arrived. I liked her immediately, in part because she was the first “cool” chick who’d ever seen fit to talk to me. She laughed at my jokes, told a few of her own (bad ones) and I can recall being overwhelmed by her beautifully white, perfectly straight, incomprehensibly flossed teeth. I knew Sharon was out of my league because she was the first female friend I’d ever had who seemed incapable of eating an apple through a chain link fence.

I had no idea what love was, but Sharon made me feel as though I was outgrowing my lifelong nerd persona. I wanted to kiss her, although I was paralyzed by the idea that she might not welcome such an attempt and therefore stop talking to me. But late one night while we were talking on the porch in front of her cabin, I summoned the courage to say this:

“I really like you, Sharon, but I’m not sure what to do about it.”

She giggled a little, partly amused by my catastrophic social retardation and partly because she felt the same way about me.

“Hmmm,” she said sarcastically. “That sounds like a pretty serious problem.”

She walked over, put her hands on my cheeks and kissed me. On the mouth. Hollywood is famous for its clichéd recreations of scenes like this, replete with fireworks bursting in the background and little pink hearts floating into the air when the actors’ love is finally sealed with a kiss. I used to think that was gross and off-putting. But once you feel it for yourself, it doesn’t seem so outlandish.

We grew closer as the summer wore on, but there was a roadblock to circumvent: the camp administrators strongly discouraged romance between staff members. They claimed it distracted the counselors’ attention from the campers and was therefore grounds for dismissal from the staff. But neither Sharon nor I had any intention of adhering to that rule. We were in love, so we developed a plan to camouflage our budding relationship, sneaking out of sight during the night to talk and kiss and cuddle under the cover of darkness, and during the day we’d try to act inconspicuously. But in the event that we wanted to say “I love you” while the sun was up, we agreed on a gesture, a simple rub of the nose, to say it for us. Each morning at summer camp began with the children and counselors encircling a flagpole to say the Pledge of Allegiance, and each morning my eyes met Sharon’s from across the circle. We rubbed our noses at one another with such ferocity and frequency that the other counselors began to think we’d each developed a raging cocaine habit.

We were married three years later.

Comments

So sweet it's giving me a toothache. I love it. The image of you two rubbing your noses uncontrollably during the Pledge of Allegiance cracked me up.

I love it!! It's my favorite post of yours that isn't about poop!

This is such a sweet story - and "eating an apple through a chainlink fence" had me laughing hysterically!

Wait! Hot Wife's name is Sharon?!?!?!

Why reveal it now?

Touching and romantic, and made only more so by the animated paternity testing ad at the end.

Having previously established myself as a geek... using the basic math required to determine that the champ (somewhere in the 7 to 9 years range) was born in 2001 at the latest, the 2003 should read 1993, no?

And, how did that typo happen?

I love the chain link reference. I may have to used that in respect to myself one of these days.

Ewwww ... isn't that way too sticky-sweet and schmaltzy for a dude like you? And, obviously, Hot Wife (aka Sharon) totally rocks for making the first move!

Danny Danny you forget how old you are!! 2003..dude you would have just celebrated your 1 year anniversary!

I can't believe that Hot Wife has a name..OMG.. next think you are going to tell us that the kids are Sam and Sophia or little Danny and Sharon..

If anyone finds out what Marlborgh Man's name is don't tell me....

You're all a bunch of sleuths. Date fixed. Thanks. I think.

Why reveal her name now? No idea. I felt like it. And she said OK.

I want to find a love just that good!

I am filling up.
That is so sweet.
I am never going to come back here again.

I was a band geek myself, but I had a blast finding my way around a woman (albiet, not in high school)...complete with slapping. Wait, is that TMI?

My husband and I met at summer camp as well. It is a magical place where you don't have to shower every day or wear makeup. And yes, I made the first move too.

This story is surprisingly similar to mine and how I met my wife except I was pitching Triple A Baseball in Durham and she was a girl who lived in town. Coach discouraged romances with "townies" so the only way I should tell her I loved her in public was by adjusting my cup.

'Hot Wife', however true a statement it is, always seemed a bit disrespectful to me anyway.

Sharon is much better.

What a lovely post.

Does Hot Wife know?

I met my Fiance at a summer camp too, and I have to say, being that I know you're in California I'm wondering if it was the same one.

Our first kiss was not quite as dramatic as yours though- it was him trying to get me to stop singing a camp song I had stuck in my head. It's cute in a much less...um, cute way.

That's the sweetest ever!

So, you graduated college, went to summer camp, fell in love, travelled backwards in time, knocked up Hot Wife, and now have two kids?!?

2003?

I'm scratching my head AND rubbing my nose.

Raging cocaine habit.

Love it!

What a wonderful post. Thank you.

What a great story to have and tell your kids someday (if not already). Adorable!

What a wonderful story -- it caught me completely off guard. There was one thing I didn't get, though: the reference to eating an apple through a chain link fence?

I don't get out much.

Awww.. that was darned sweet, that was.

That's way better than my kiss story. For my first kiss, ET was playing on TV (as in the movie with the alien who ate Reese's Pieces...not to be confused with the TV show with Mary Hart, and the voice which causes seizures). This kid decides to kiss me right when ET is dying, and that's all I could think about. I didn't care about lips, tongues, fireworks, nothing but that stupid alien.

Now that, was a well written story! I got shivers! Thanks for sharing it!

I also said, "I love you" first.

I called my mom from camp and told her I had met someone. She said she knew at that moment that Danny and I would get married.

How beautiful!

What a wonderful story, thank you for sharing it, and Hot Wife's name. She's great, as are you! Hot Wife: that is so cool that your mom predicted it. My mother-in-law likes to take credit, but I knew it long before she did. :)

Oh I feel so lucky to be here at this moment in time when we learn HotWife's true identity......think I will red letter it on my calendar.....I am so excited!

With the typo, you had me thinking this was some sort of elaborate ruse to confuse the heck out of me, or convince me I was actually living in 2018 and everyone around me knew but I didn't and boy aren't they laughing at me now!!!

Great post. Weird for her to have a name, though. Kind of takes away the mystery. Please don't tell me the real names of Emily and Ethan. Or whatever they are. I don't want to know.

Ah! Sweet story.

What do you mean you never found a literary guide to that stuff? That's what Penthouse was for!

But you gotta love women who make the first move. If not for that, you might still be single.

Great post.

I love this! What a great story!

it's great when a love story stays that way. bravo to both of you.

mck.

What a great story! This is my favorite post.

Funny Jewish guys never make the first move.

Can you tell that I made the first move? :-)

That was great. I remembered "Sharon" from a post slip-up you made around the time The Champ started school. But, a great story none the less. Good thing you didn't know what to do with that degree.

To Feefifoto: Eating an apple through a chain link fence would require buck teeth. In Tennessee we say "She could eat the guts out of a pumpkin through a picket fence!" But that's just the hillbilly in me.

I didn't get the chain link fence thing either! Thanks Psychophant!
What a wonderful love story. I am all verklempt here.

I feel like Mary Poppins. (Read with a British accent) "Mary Poppins? Is that your name? It's lovely." Too bad I'm not practically perfect in every way.

Too, too cute. What a great tale to share!! I kept thinking there was going to be some punch line at the end, like sharon turning out to be a man or something... but this was better. Hee!

Oh, what a happy story. And like others, I'll admit to feeling included, in some weird clique-y high school way, as part of the lucky group that "learned her real name that time!"

Although I'll also admit that I like the pseudonym Hot Wife. Or maybe it's just that no-one ever calls me that, so I think it's cool. :)

Wow, so "Hot Wife" was born! Great story!

What a great post. Thank you.

Geez. I thought that sick-ing-ly-ado-rable-cute-sy-woot-sy stuff was only for the movies. ha ha.
very cute.

Haha... This is the first entry I've read on your blog, and I'm hooked. Not because it's given me warm-fuzzies (though that certainly helps), but because of the way it was written. I'm a fan.

Poking my head out of lurkdom...

Jeez. I'm not the brightest bulb. I was thinking, "WTF?! Hot Wife is his SECOND wife??" And then I came to my senses. There's no way you could find TWO people that would marry you. ;)

This is now one of my favorite love stories.

That was sweet.
I specially like the "Apple through a chinlink-fence" description. I have certainly known many people that could have done that.
Regards

And that's just the way everybody ought to find their true love! What a sweet story.

I love this story. It is beautiful and touching and funny. It is the best things DadGoneMad has to offer every day, all rolled up into one pretty package!

Is it just me, or do this post and Eugene read a little differently than posts of the past. To me, this one feels more like a chapter in a book, than a blog. I hope what we are seeing here is a sneak preview of the (surely AMAZING) book that is in the future.

You done good Danny, thanks again for sharing a bit of the wonder ofyour life with us. This is the reason your readers are so loyal, and your book will be a bestseller!!!

i both made the first move and said "i love you" first, too!

glad my long-lost sorority sister wound up with such a romantic (and, IMHO, romantic nerds are the best combination around)!

that's good stuff. does she prefer hot wife or sharon? i bet hot wife. just guessing.

OMG, this totally makes HotWife rock even more then before!

And you did a great job of telling that story! I would have never guessed HotWife's name is Sharon!

Why oh why am I just reading this now?? I really have no words but you should see the smile on my face. Ahh. Perfect, Danny.

I love you! You are adorable, and I want to marry you.