There’s a scene in A Clockwork Orange where Malcolm McDowell’s eyes are pried open, his head is strapped back and he is forced, literally, to watch an unrelenting reel of heinous, violent crimes – rapes and murders and beatings – and it’s all set to Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, his favorite. McDowell can’t look away, can’t close his eyes, can’t stop the assault. It’s torture.

That’s how fatherhood feels sometimes. You can’t look away. You can’t close your eyes. And what you see repulses you to your core.

It begins like this: “Guys, please go potty before you get into your beds.”

“What?!” the boy asks, as if you’ve just informed him that his arms will be cut off at dawn.

The girl says nothing. She merely falls to the floor, rendered listless and limp by the audacity of such an oppressing request, and emits a faint, mouse-like squeak.

He can’t look away. He can’t make it stop.

“Guys. Please. Must we go through this nonsense every night? Seriously? How hard is it to take a friggin’ leak?”

The words are inaudible to the children, who have engaged their special Daddy Filter, through which all speech is checked and all communication is funneled to the compost pile unless the sensors identify the words cake, root beer, TV, video games or Disneyland. (I’m told there is an expansion pack for the Daddy Filter, suitable only for teens, that automatically prompts the user with pre-scripted responses to simple parental requests, including the eye roll, the disgusted hair toss, and the term “whatevar…”

But wait. Thy thinkest he hath heard intelligible speech coming from yonder child. (The one on the ground.)

“Dad-deeeeeeee-uh! Why do we always have to go potty before bed?”

He can’t look away. He can’t make it stop.

“Because if you don’t, you’ll pee in your bed. That will happen right around the point in my dream when I’m licking marshmallow cream off of your mother’s, umm, neck – yeah, neck – and we're working our way toward the rest of the "sundae" (if you know what I'm sayin'), which means I will not want to be interrupted by a little girl covered in her own urine and needing to have her Hannah Montana sheets stripped from the bed and burned in the fireplace because they smell like apple juice piss. OK? You got me? Good. Now pee.”

Matter of fact, that exact scenario and dialog are ripped straight from scene four of my new screenplay, A Clockwork Yellow.

Comments

Hi DBM,
I am still covertly reading your archives...got the cold diet coke out the nose thing a couple of times. Thanks so much for your blogs. And can you tell me what a small t-shirt in the US means when I live in Aus? I am allowed a hot wife t-shirt according to 'he who pays for shirts that hug boobs...'
Thanks for the laughs, oh and I like www.kingofthecubicle.com too.

I feel your pain. We are about to rip up the carpet in the little boy's(he is almost 5) room for the same reason. after the spring thaw, that would be. and the toddler bed mattress? It's gonna hafta be burned.

hmmm wouldnt be a if you don't go before bed you sleep in (or on he floor?) moment ?

(I have no kids-can you tell?)
Thanks for the laughs!

LMAO!

This is why someone needs to invent Smell-a-Vision...so while we're watching A Clockwork Yellow, we can actually smell the apple juice.

Oh I love the visual of Hannah Montana sheets burning in the fireplace! My 7 year old usually says she doesnt' have to, I say 'try' and then she looks at me while peeing like it's my fault it's suddenly coming out simply because I said 'try.'Oh wait, that was before the last couple months when I am banned from the bathroom with her unless in a scary rest stop.

My 17 year old daughter turned me to the other day and casually asked me if I had seen "A Clockwork Orange." My troubled reply, "Yes! Have YOU?" got me nothing more than a shrug and a nod.

Should I be worried?

LMAO

AND in the teen language you won't exist on this planet unless a) you're driving them somewhere (and don't you dare get out of the friggin car on arrival) b) you're spending money on something they really really "need" or c)they're sick.

The crazy thing is that our daughter has NEVER peed in her bed. I know, never say never.

If it's okay with Hot Wife, I'd like to be your internet stalker girlfriend. You make me laugh. I love when a guy makes me laugh.

Get in line Amanda :p

What actors would you envision playing the roles of "A Clockwork Yellow"?

Good question, Russ. I don't fancy myself much of a casting director but I'd be seriously disappointed if the role of "Pee-stained Sheet" was played by anyone other than Miley Cyrus.

Fun fact: Because of that scene Malcolm McDowell can no longer use eye drops. That movie scares the shit out of me and yet I still love it.

I've been lurking for a while, but this was WAY too funny not to comment on. Absolutely hilarious. I can't stop laughing.

I used to be a bed wetter and I must say going to the bathroom before bed is not nearly as satisfying as waking you parents in the middle of the night.

I found out recently from my grown kids that Daddy's favorite reply was "Because Mommy said so, and you know how bossy she is". That asswipe! But at least my kids were laughing when they told me.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! ROFL!

“What?!” the boy asks, as if you’ve just informed him that his arms will be cut off at dawn.

The girl says nothing. She merely falls to the floor, rendered listless and limp by the audacity of such an oppressing request, and emits a faint, mouse-like squeak.

This EXACT thing happens in house every. friggin'. night. We must have the same children.

Danny, you're too funny. :)

bah!!!! That is so my life, too. What with all the "WHY!?"'s? Do I ask you why when you ask me to get you some juice. Hey! Maybe I'll try the "you asked for juice" tantrum and see what they do.

You know, your niece actually had a tantrum on the way to, and on the potty, screaming "I DON'T HAVE TO GO!" the entire time she was peeing. Brilliance!

In our house, Son and Heir has realised that peeing is not optional. Walking to the loo however, that is something to fight about "I don't wanna walk" is the nightly wail. All very well and good but I don't want to haul 20kg of child down the hall every night either.

Contrary little suckers.

Amanda, thanks for checking but it is really not okay with me. It might have been possible if you didn't use the word "stalker".

Maeven, I am glad you think my husband is the cat's ass but there is no line and never will be.

I like it when you get all sarcastic like that, honey. Your faux anger is hot.

Ok, I had to blogroll you because I need a man in my life that makes me laugh... even if it is a virtual man, so to speak.

Even though my kids are grown & gone (Thank Gawd!) I still laugh at all the ridiculous crap we went through with them.

For the longest time I'd get my son up in the middle of the night & CARRY him to the bathroom. When I mentioned to a friend that I just couldn't get him potty trained, she said "Damn Girl! You can't carry him, dummy. He has to get used to getting up & doing it by walking himself." Duh! After months of despair, he was fully trained 3 weeks later. Same when daughter came along.

I'm not sure quite how they turned out as witty & charming as they have, must have been all those beatings I never gave them, LOL! But hey - people with no sense of humor should absolutely NOT have children, in my opinion. Those people should all be sterilized at the Vet's office.

Man, it's almost as if you planted a hidden camera in my house and was writing about my nightly struggle with my kids (except they're two boys, so no Hannah Montana sheets, but otherwise extremely similar). Thanks for the laugh!

No worries Candy. I read A Clockwork Orange at 17 and saw the movie too. I managed to graduate from highschool and college even with minimal difficulties. I actually think that's just about the right age. Ask her what she's reading in English class. I remember in AP English senior year, we seemed to spend the entire year reading about sex through literature. (A peach is not just a peach in poetry apparently.)

hannah montana totally deserves it.

Ha ha ha! I'm so laughing with you. Not at you.

Don't worry about me, Hot Wife. I'm perfectly harmless. I just swoon over funny guys, and your guy makes me swoon. I promise to stay at least 500 feet away.

Geez, when I tell my son to "try", he pisses with such vigor, he could blow the bark off of trees.

Not once in his young life has he decided he needed to pee without a. me telling him to "try" or b. him having to rip his pants down while dancing to keep from pissing on himself.

And, he still pisses on himself when his penis is STUCK to his leg. Um, I don't have that kind of gear, but... shouldn't you look for this before you cut loose?

You could solve this problem by not giving them anything to drink. Ever.

Thank you for bringing a smile and a chuckle to my day.

I have two boys (4 and 1.5 years old), and sometimes I feel like my nervous system is being deep fried.... for the fifth time.

Of course I wouldn't trade it for the world, and most of the time my boys are good, but when I have to hear about a Thomas the Tank Engine toy for an hour straight? Fixation, coupled with tears, whining and my exhausted state?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGgg!!!!

But alas, it's the best job in the Universe...

Best,

Joey
www.daddybrain.wordpress.com

You are so funny.

How do I get them to stop picking their noses?

That inicial description of McDowell's eyes pried open reminded me of my recent Lasik surgery.....totally horrifying, even with the ativan.

LMAO!

I'm with Dara, the nose picking is Bad! Help!

Michele

LMAO,

That was a wonderful post. My answer to the question has been. You drink, therefore you pee.

Or the corollary to that has been what goes in...must come out. I know, Mr. Newton's law of gravity modified by parental license!

Seriously.....I need this How-To-Book....you have one for twins?

Somewhere in the back of my mind, a little to the right, I have tucked away this little nugget. It looks something like this: Linda, next time you're just too damn tired for marshmallow cream adventures, just juice up the kids and put them to bed without going potty first.

That's so crazy it just might work. haha

Our bathroom routine will never be the same after reading this! Thanks for the visual!

Our bathroom routine will never be the same after reading this! Thanks for the visual!

Ah yes, the Ludovico technique.

You could be better than Diablo Cody once you finish your script. Seriously. If she can do it, anybody can.