I like to curse, and I happen to think I’m pretty good at it. But for as long as I have written in this space, the omnipresence of profanity and innuendo has been one of the most common complaints from new readers. I can respect that. Some people live in a world where the usage of dirty words and potty talk are tantamount to kicking Jesus in the nuts (although they probably wouldn’t say “nuts”) (They’d find a less-offensive term, like “groin” or “where the sun don’t shine.”) (Unless they were English teachers, who know the grammatically correct way to say it is, “where the sun DOESN’T shine.”)

(“Nuts” is faster.)

At last count, I’ve been admonished 16,000,043 times that “profanity is a tool for those who can’t express themselves properly.” To those who like to believe that, I simply say this: the phrase “profanity is a tool for those who can’t express themselves properly” is a tool for those who don’t know how to spell “douchebag.”

Anyway, the issue of filth and those who reject it reared its nuts again today, but in a way I’ve never before encountered.

I was exchanging e-mails this afternoon with Megan Morrone, who by some tragic stroke of poor judgment has seen fit to have me as a guest on her popular weekly podcast, Jumping Monkeys (previous guests have include Asha, Maggie, Mike and Karen, so it’s legit and very worth checking out). As we prepared for the Friday afternoon recording, Megan asked if I’d be interested in reading one of my entries aloud on the podcast. Intriguing. Never done that before. I agreed to do it.

“Any entry in particular?” I asked Megan.

“I didn't have one in mind,” she wrote. “Maybe one without any profanity, since some parents listen with their kids. Is there one without any profanity? :) ”

“Hmmm. Have to do some digging.” I wrote back.

I wasn’t kidding.

In five years of recorded DGM history, I haven't found one clean, PG-rated story. I know there's a message for me hidden somewhere in there, but I'm not seeing it.

Or maybe it's just the "profanity is a tool" people screwing with my mind.

***POST-INTERVIEW UPDATE***

Speaking of douchebags, I doubt I could have sounded like a bigger one during my 20-minute conversation with Leo and Megan. Dullard Gone Mad.

Some lowlights:

1) Leo invited me to curse on his airwaves and I pussed out.

2) We talked a lot about my vasectomy and Leo's vasectomy and your feedback to my post about my vasectomy and there's really nothing quite like getting to know someone by sharing stories about having your sack sliced open.

3) I am to the flow of a conversation what stripper heels are to professional business attire. Awkward pauses everywhere.

4) Have you ever heard your self-respect scream out in agony. I have.

5) I totally came through for my SXSW panelmates by speaking their site names and URLs on the air. You owe me BIG, Asha, Amy and Tracey.

6) I took half of my time on the air trying to find the most clever way to say what I meant. Just say the dumb words, idiot! Who cares about your big-shot vocabulary.

I'm told the podcast will be posted in about 10 days. If, in the event you decide you can no longer read Dad Gone Mad after hearing the interview, well, it's been fun.

Comments

Ha! Swearing makes talking/reading/writing fun. Bring the potty talk- I put on my big girl panties this morning so I can TAKE IT!

Well, yeah, profaniy is a tool.
A tool to achieve hilarity! And also a perfectly respectable way to make a point, imo.I love reading all the profanity because I would so be talking that way all the time if I thought I could get away with it. People really hate hearing it from a female, it seems. Just easier not to.
Keep it up bro!

I too am a potty mouth who writes a blog. Sometimes I'll find myself going back and re-writing my curses...f*ck to frig and shit to crap. It just doesn't have the same effect. I practically paid for our family vacation last year with our potty mouth jar - .25 a curse word. This year I'm striving towards a 3 month sabatical in Europe.

Just find an entry you like and clean it up for the podcast. I read stuff to my 9 year old all the time from various and sundry sources (internet, New Yorker, etc.) and just either substitute words, skip over passages or if the context really requires it....read it as is. I'm too exhausted from protecting them from things that might actually harm them to worry too much about profanity. Plus it's a nasty little habit of mine that seems to get worse with time - much to my husband's irritation.

I had to run an errand at the local (and very urban) state university with my 9 year old in tow yesterday and I was totally cracking up listening to the badass 19 year olds F-this and Shit-that middle class little brainiacs trying to earn some street cred/trying on adulthood by littering their sentences with curses. I'm not saying your writing is like that - quite the opposite, you choose your expletives carefully for maximum impact.

I've got my granny panties on so bring out the fu(n/c)k.

I am a firm believer in profanity! My (8yr old) daughter is very aware that people cuss. And she knows damn well not to! I figure once she's old enough to drive, then she can bring 'em out, Cause how fuckin' hard is it to drive without cussing somebody or something (ie: potholes, bad car) out at least once during even the shortest drive. Bring on the F-Bomb!

there's an 'e' in douchebag. Fuck - I never knew. thanks dgm.

oh, don't let those fuckers get you down. Profanity is funny and fun and should be practiced daily.

Albeit, not so much when you over hear your 3 year old tell her sister, " oh, fuck it, Emma!" whist trying to complete a difficult puzzle.

I catch a lot of flack about my profanity from my wife. I have pretty much stopped cussing around our children. They are too young to start talking that way. She doesn't like to hear it either. So I respect that or at least try to.

As you can tell by the lack of profanity in this comment, I have been doing a lot better about not fucking cussing.

Oh this is fucking awesome you twatsicle! Jumping Monkeys is the best show ever - when are you on? I can't wait to hear what you've come up with. Congrats!

Mike

I simply ADORE profanity. My grandfather was one of those "if you have to use profanity, you are showing that you are not truly adept at expressing yourself." I'm all "What the fuck?"

I say just read one of your funniest ones (although deciding that will be even MORE difficult that finding a "clean" one), and just say "bleep" in place of the offensive words. Works on TV!

I fully expect Butters' first word to be something along the line of "fuck." Whenever someone throws the "profanity is wrong" or "profanity is a crutch of the unimaginative mind" argument at me, I recall one of my favorite lines from "Inherit the Wind,"

"I don't swear for the hell of it. Language is a poor enough means of communication. We've got to use all the words we've got. Besides, there are damn few words anybody understands. "

You think you've got it bad!? Try being a girl with a potty mouth! All I ever get is "thats not very ladylike!" Guess what, I dont f*cking care, obviously, or I wouldn't be saying f*ckity f*ck f*ck all the time!

If that message is hidden, you would suck at hide-and-go-seek.

Profanity is a crutch. It is often a lazy or ignorant approach to communication. It's a tool used by sinners, for sinners.

You all are fuckin' headed to hell.

And here all this time I thought it was "doochbag."

My son's first three words were 'Daddy, chocolate, and fuck'.

Now, I'm not saying I'm necessarily proud of that, but when he started picking up that language (from me), we started teaching him that those were adult words, and it was ok to use them at home, without company, but not in public, or when grandma's were visiting.

I haven't been spoken to by a teacher yet because he used any profanity in school. I've asked them. His teacher seemed startled that I had to ask about it.

Parenting your child yourself, instead of expecting others to do it for you...what a concept!

I'm sure you've read it before, but great blog, by the way! :D

The 8 year-old in this house knows the difference between adult words and words he's allowed to say.

"Potty talk" is out there and he will hear it by many people including myself (especially when those small dick sports car drivers on PCH go by as I putter along in my 1997 Rodeo). Keep on expressing yourself as you see fit and it's up to the readers to decide if they are offended or not. They can choose not to read it if they are.

-O-boy

If I had a 'Swear Jar' at my house, I could finance a house in the south of France.

Four words:
Fuck the fucking fuckers

I think it's quite an artform when you can fit the word douchebag into a post with such regularity....keep up the great work.

I happen to think a well-placed curse word, or perfectly timed f-bomb is a skill ... a gift ... a talent worthy enough to be listed on resumes, in fact. So keep up the great work! (from someone who has also been admonished for cursing on her blog site ..... fucking bastards.)

I'm just leaving a comment so I can say "twat" again.

So....twat.

That's all.

Um, exscuse me... don't you mean "balls"?! Yes, nuts is one letter less but balls has more effect...

...Oh right. This is YOUR blog. :)

Profanity is as much a tool of language like slang, colloquialism, or speaking "properly". When we're trying to communicate a story, we need to try to convey more than the words alone do. Sometimes, "it was entirely impossible for me to do as I was asked" does it, sometimes "there was no fucking way I was doing that" is better. Depends on the context.

Haha, that's hilarious.

It was so weird the other day when someone from Canada commented on a post from about a year ago and said, "Uh uh, miss priss! Watch your language!"

"Um ok, flame boy. Will do."

Why in the fuck do other people think they have a right to tell you what to write on your fucking blog? It's your fucking blog and you should write whatever the fuck you want to. If they don't like it, they can go to another blog and fuck themselves! (think I used fuck enough?)

As far as kids and swearing? Check my story When is it okay to say shit?

Here's a thought. Read this post on the air. There is no profanity in it, unless of course you count douchebag, and who counts that? And, it has the added bonus of warning prospective readers what they will find when they come to the page.. A double whammy!!!

As a second choice I vote for you reading "Sharon" That one was GREAT!!!

I was at a cafe in Mill Valley today eating lunch. I saw a woman wearing jeans that were embroidered very elaborately on the back with a winged asshole. I'm not kidding.

oh! how I fuckin' love JumpingMonkeys! Megan and Leo are rad and EVERYone who reads you should be listening to them, too. Serious. Even though they don't know me (and probably think of me - if at all- as a semi-stalker), I wish every week that I could go to coffee with them. And Cry it Out Mike. And you, danny.

Don't forget, you owe it ALL to me.

DGM,
Please don't stop the profanity. I think you say what other people think, but are to politically correct to say. I love your writing, and your outlook on parenting, but words like Asshat, Assclown, and twatsicle along with the poop stories, are what kept me coming back.
If they don't like it, there are other blogs to read. Fuck them.

Apparently those people who are offended by swearing are damn idiots. I mean, come on. There is nothing more descriptive than bat shit crazy. Or twatsicle.

Keep doing what you're doing. Awkward pauses and all.

I personally like the swearing, I have to talk in crayon enough.

Listening to someone else's swearing is like reliving my junior high days.

What a bunch of douchebag mother-fucking cocksuckers!

do you accept checks?

I got to your post from a link on the Jumping Monkeys site and I can't wait to listen to the podcast now. I'll be subscribing to your blog now because of it. I'm an avid fan of theirs, but I agree with you. I feel sometimes it's a little too sweet and they try to be a little too nice. I don't understand why they can't go back in an edit it if they don't like something? WTF? Have you read or seen DadLabs or Mrs. Flinger? I've been turned on to those blogs by Jumping Monkeys and now yours. If they are going to choose to interview someone, I take it that that means they support you and your ideas or at the very least they like you for who you are. (Pssst, That's what disclaimers are for.) It's kind of like saying well, we like you but don't be who you are when you're on our show. Come on, man! Oh well, you got some exposure and me as a reader. It takes some balls to do what you do, so keep it up. (Seem that's where balls is better than nuts.) You rock...and I'll be back.

What? profanity is a bad thing? Could someone please share that fact with my 7 year old.