There are certain phrases a man never wants to hear from his wife because they make clear the fact that the man is completely and irreparably fucked. Here’s one of those phrases:

“Honey, don’t forget we’re going to the theatre with my parents tonight.”

This is what my wife said to me as I walked out the door this morning, and I don’t think I even need to tell you this part: I didn’t take it well. She might as well have said, “I hope your balls get run over by a bus today, honey.”

I love my in-laws. They’re wonderful, generous people. And although I haven’t been to the live theatre but three or four times in my life, I always find a way to enjoy myself when I do go. But I shall now enumerate the reasons why my wife’s reminder caused me to whine like a six-foot-three baby whose sippy cup full of spiked milk had run dry:

1) Between work and money and the kids, my stress level this week is already somewhere slightly north of “Don’t even come near me!” but a notch or two south of shaving my entire body with a spork and lighting myself on fire.

2) My Anaheim Ducks play the worst team in the league tonight (I’m looking at you, Los Angeles), and when it comes right down to it, I’d rather watch bad hockey than good theatre.

3) I asked Hot Wife what play we were seeing tonight and she said, “I don’t know, but it’s supposed to be funny.” That’s code for, “Something you’ll probably hate because it’s set in 14th century England and the actors will keep saying ‘fare thee well, m’lady’ and incessantly twirling their lavender parasols and shit like that.”

4) I went to the theatre’s web site to find a more specific description of the show and it turns out the cast is comprised of three men, one of whom wears a cowboy hat, thereby eliminating the possibility that there will be nudity in the play.

5) My in-laws – the aforementioned wonderful people – take the theatre very seriously. I do not. They are punctual, respectful and gracious. I am not.

I know: I’m whining. As many of you so frequently and eloquently remind me in the comments, I should “just suck it up” and go and keep my mouth shut. But what kind of blog material would that be?

So this is love. This is what a man does when he loves his wife and respects her wishes and wishes to remain in her good graces. Despite my myriad passive-aggressive protestations and the publication of my grievances for all to see and the lengths to which I must go in order to satisfy her request, I am going because my wife wants me to.

And also because if I play my cards right, there might be more than one purple parasol twirling tonight. (wink, wink)

Comments

Just because you are a husband doesn't give you the monopoly on hating shit like the theatre! those words would have made my blood run cold as well. I equally hate any movie where the cinematography is the biggest draw. Therefore I should only see movies with an R rating. They usually don't take place in the 14 century.

Much luck on getting to twirl your parasol tonight with your wife ... but purple? You might want to get that checked out.

Laugh where everyone else does, clap at the end and collect your "Just Rewards" later.

yeah, whenever I dare utter words like that, my husband smiles because he knows sexual favors are in order. Visiting my family at any time and home improvement activities all fall under the standard rule of sexual favors: visiting my family (which involves a 10 hour drive across rural upstate NY) and anytime he uses a hammer, drill, level and tape measure, I have to dress up like a sausage in FMPs. You'd be surprised how quickly I get curtains, shower rods and paintings hung though. :o) My father would be scandalized if he only knew how I got my hubby to freakin Erie, PA so often.

OMG! You sound like my husband! Maybe it's a macho thing or perhaps just a husband thing, but honey, no matter the age, I've never met a straight guy yet that actually wants to go to the theatre. However, I'll bet you fit in nicely @ those hockey games, lol.

Not only are you a good husband, but an honest one who is not afraid to express his emotions to the internet. Do your in-laws read your blog?

Geez Danny, lighten up. I hope your gracious, wonderful in-laws don't read this blog.

It's a good thing Hot Wife loves you. Especially if you have to get a "treat" every time you have to "behave yourself" in public. Just like a 4 year old. Men are such babies.

nudge nudge, wink wink, say no MORE! your purple parasol will match david's purple wig. (you guys are scaring me now!)

Oh hey, how about those Ducks... Remember when they played my Sharks last Friday? My Pacific Division leading San Jose Sharks? BTW, I have colored my hair teal in anticipation of playoffs. Ducks suck! LOL

Thanks for yet another good story, makes my horribly crappy day a bit better knowing other people are suffering too :)

I feel for ya....I really really do.
I kind of feel this way when I'm dragged, (with four whiny children) to the 100th sporting event of the year, (pick a sport, any sport and we're there.)

Good Luck........and by the way, the Ducks, suck, bad.

The first and only time I ever took my husband with me to the ballet, he leaned over midway through and whispered:

Pull my finger.

Did I mention it was the only time I ever took him?!

#3 is false. They cowboy hat might indicate nudity, but if there is nudity it will probably be all-male full-frontal.

Good luck with the purple parasol after seeing THAT one.

And the Ducks do suck. My money is on LA tonight.

I read ' I've never met a straight guy yet that actually wants to go to the theatre.' and thought HEY! My Dan( son) loves the theatre.. he even bought US tickets.. and then remembered that Dan is gay, so yeah, you could be right! He just bought us tickets to see the Lion King, in the West End ( London) even paid for a swish hotel, bought the train tickets and still the husband looks as though he has been told he is going to have his balls squished in a vice. It's all the 'singing' and dancing and .....whiney whine.

All of you Duck haters need to step awf. There's a banner at the top of the arena that says 2007 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS. How many of your teams have that? NONE! So suck it, you pukes!

Come back and chirp when we win it again this year. I dare ya.

Y'know, I have to admit that I find your level of whining within the acceptable range. I don't expect someone who does not like theatre to go without at least a few whimpers. My husband? Acts like somebody ran over his puppy, called his momma a whore, and told him he could never ever drink another over-priced import beer again. He would be more likely to find some positive in a Cancer diagnosis than he is in being told he's going to the theatre.

(Oh, and GO PENS!)

Don't worry, I'll watch enough bad hockey tonight for both of us. I'm going to the Blue Jackets game.

Purple I can can get my head around, but parasol...you wanna get that checked out...

3 guys and a cowboy hat, and it's funny? Could it be "The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr (Abridged)?"

So, you're going to see "Broke Back Mountain: The Musical"?

Good luck.

Sorry you have to deal with tea tottlers tonight. I fare the well sir

Yeah, well my hubby always felt this way about going to hear my mom sing in the Civic Choir. He said he'd rather get root canal without Novacaine. Now she's dead, so... I'm just sayin'....

Hot Wife (all of us) are always right.

You can make your parasol twirl? Lucky bastard. No wonder HW has stayed with you.

Dude, one of the funniest f-ing blogs I've ever stumbled upon. I'm not sure which is funnier though: the “I hope your balls get run over by a bus today, honey”, or some of the comments that follow the post. (Except for 'Kris' who sounds like a real hater...maybe needs a hug?)

I'm adding you to my 'roll until I hear otherwise.

good luck with that, bro.

I get to go have drinks with the girls, tonight. I'll be thinking of you - or maybe not.

xo.

theatre in combination with cowbay hats and gracious in-laws sounds like something that would cause me to quaff more wine than is good for me.

I'd whinge too.

You probably need a Tampax after all of that damn whining! I wouldn't blame HW if she said no because she had a headache from all of your babygirl whining! Where did you sit? Seat 119?

BTW - I think my Red Wings have a few more banners than your Clucks.

I feel like I just arrived to the party super late and everyone left already. I missed all the fun.

Why don't you tell the lovely people where you will be tomorrow night and how you got the tickets?

hahahahahaah nice

good one to you, commenter BG, and the always beautiful and smart Hot Wife

>>>Posted by: Dad Gone Mad | March 26, 2008 at 11:26 AM

Y'know, I have to admit that I find your level of whining within the acceptable range. I don't expect someone who does not like theatre to go without at least a few whimpers. My husband? Acts like.....

Dad Gone Mad has a husband???????

Whoa, because there's three guys and a cowboy hat you conclude there's no nudity? My overactive and rather twisted imagination can come up with several situations in which there could be all sorts of nudity...most of which, I suspect, hot wife might enjoy far more than you. How will you look in a cowboy hat carrying a purple parasol? Fair is fair....

I like you...

... even if you are a Duck's fan!

Love your blog! :-)

From a Sabre fan,
Spook

I'm a new reader to your site, and I have tell you how much I'm enjoying it. I love the laughs, and am totally not offended by the swearing. Many things you've written remind me of my own husband, especially yelling at the kids in fake German. I had to laugh when I read this post because I am a huge Red Sox fan (please don't throw anything at me if you are an Angels fan or something like that!) and my husband is not. I try to get tickets to a game or two each year and my husband does not want to go! He'd whine so much I wouldn't even have a good time at the game.