Moo
Yesterday, because we were celebrating my daughter’s birthday, and because I love her, and because sometimes that love is so entirely consuming that it blinds me to the scams and ruthless tricks perpetrated upon loving parents by retailers, I spent two hours and $150 with three five-year-old girls at a store in which the children can build their own stuffed animal (which naturally makes it a store from which any self-respecting man would be a-running in the opposite direction with great haste) (and now you know a little more about my self-respect).
I remember a passage in Fast Food Nation wherein the author describes the procession of cattle marching into a slaughterhouse in single-file, and then taking a deathblow to the forehead. That image is recreated at the stuffed animal place, with the parents representing cattle. The scene is virtually identical, right down to the single-file path through which customers are funneled – past the unstuffed carcasses, the stuffing station (note to self: possible name for a whorehouse or an all-you-can-eat buffet – The Stuffing Station), the rows and rows of stuffed animal clothing (which you are a bona fide asshat to say no to), the computer where you name your animal, and ultimately to the deathblow – a pimple-pocked, brace-faced teenager with a lateral lisp who says, “Your total ish one hundred forty-sheven dollarsh and sheventy-shixsh shents.” And…scene.
Oh, they try to make it look snazzy. You leave with a stuffed baby chick with a name and a birth certificate and a little stuffed heart inside. And they put it in a nice big cardboard box built to look like a little house. But scrape away the marketing and branding and you realize you’ve just been HAD! Big time!
I should be wearing a scarlet letter today.
An M, for moron.
A D, for dumb-ass.
Or perhaps an O, for Ouch, as in Ouch I took one in the poop chute yesterday because I’m weak and I love my kid and I let her manipulate me like a dork with a Rubik’s Cube.
Ahhhh, the joys of living in a one-store-town! My kids have NO IDEA that those kinds of evil exist. My son has been to the chuck-e-kissmyass but my two youngest have not. Same with the stuffyourthings and mylittleponyup$35perkid places. Yayyyy for 1 store towns.
Sounds like we spent the weekend at the same place...of course i had less kids and my total was more...
Wow. You love your kids more than I must love mine because, uh-uh, not gonna go there. Can't do it. Mostly because there is no room in that goddamn store for a person to rock back-and-forth in the fetal position while foaming at the mouth and simultaneously handing over their debit card, barely managing to whisper "Run it. Hurry."
My teeth hurt just thinking about it.
Absolutely Hilarious! I can't wait till' I can take my daughter and her friends to the place where we bedazzle crap. Then I can have a bedazzled scarlett letter that says I've been HAD.
My crazy sister in law offered to give me a gift certificate for that stuffitupyourarse place and I hissed at her, " are you effing crazy? I have stuffed animals coming out my wa-zoo! No thank you!" She hasn't spoken to me since.
I can't figure out if it's because I insulted her gift idea or because I called her crazy....and I am too scared to ask my brother which it is.
I'm deep in American Girl doll hell lately. You know you shouldn't let yourself get sucked into a toy for which there is actually a hospital where the dolls can go to get "treated". Mom and Dad, however, only get treated to money pulled from their arse.
We've been only once (and I have boys). I told them outside that no way was I buying any outfits for the animals in question. Ditto the talking chips that you can stick in their paws at $5 a pop. Pick a bear, kiss the heart, blow it up and be done with it. If Grandma really loves you she will MAKE you some clothes if your bear is truly that modest.
I've been to one once, luckily I don't think there are any in my state. Scary place. I hear you, Momo Fali, about the Americn Girl dolls. My 7 year old wants an upgrade. I've explained to her a couple times, gently that no, I don't think the Easter bunny will bring her one. The bunny is more about chocolate. Her birthday is in July, so I've got time to rob a couple banks for the American Girl upgrade.
What amazes me is they don't even hold a gun to your head while they're robbing you, and you still hand over the cash.
Dude, this is just a primer and a test...
It will get more expensive as she becomes more skilled at the art of manipulation.
Yeah. No thanks. At least at Chuck E Cheese there's skee ball. And beer, you know, to soothe.
My boys are not interested, thank goodness but my friend's DD is just obsessed with the Build a Bear idea. Every commercial or print ad she sees for the thing sends her into shrieking paroxysms of "I want it!!!! Mama! I want it!!!" My friend has always had the out of saying "Sorry, there isn't one anywhere near us" Last week she & I went to the mall an hour away. There, where the Bath& Body Works use to be, was a Build a Bear store. She looked at me & said "I can never take my child to this mall again."
We had a similar experience this weekend (but on a much smaller scale) when we took our son to Sesame Street Live and had to stand in line to buy him an EIGHT DOLLAR mylar balloon shaped like Elmo's head. Ouch.
My wife can't even look at the Teddy Bear Factory at Downtown Disney; the sight of all those drained bear carcasses hanging from meathooks attached to the rafters just makes the place look like teddy-bear-Predator's garage.
On another note, my baby girl's birthstone is DIAMOND.
Who even let that be a birthstone?? I'm screwed forever and ever and ever.
Just wait till she's a teenager...do the words Juicy Couture mean anything to you?
Count me in with psychophant and Backpacking Dad: Just you wait. DD is 25 and a struggling actor so she really has it down to a science now. I just forked over $1K for new headshots, which of course requires a $300 trip to the salon for a trim and to touch up highlights. She damn well better get a heluva a job after graduation from drama school (yes there is such a thing!) in May. Mama wants payback!
Oops! That should'a been "Count me in with Angela and sarah..."
Well, if you are a moron, a dumb ass, then that makes me a shit. Because we do family b-day parties only, and the bear thing would never fly! Ever. I better start saving for the kids' therapy...I think I'm in trouble!!!
That place is awful, isn't it? And it's always a freakin' fiasco-too many little animal outfits and not enough room for the asshat parents!!!
Holy crap man! I can't even look at a Build a Bear shop anymore without getting creeped out thanks to FX's Nip/Tuck.
Don't believe me...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzPPnSBFXEU
And then...fill it with pre-teen girls!
NIGHTMARE CITY!
you have to read my latest...It is one of the best kid stories i've heard in a while. trust me...and buy a stuffed penguin...
Yes, another commenter made a comment about American Girl. Go ahead--check out their website. Dolls alone are in the $100+ range, and then there are the clothes. And more dolls. And lest we not forget about American Girl Place, which is conveniently located near YOU at The Grove!
Just think, if you get her hooked NOW, this time next year you could be dining with your daughter and her AG doll, going to the AG theater, the AG salon, having an AG portrait taken... Oh yes, the fun never ends. CHA-CHING!
Being manipulated right along with ya....
Oh, I feel the pain. We just had Donovan's birthday party at Build-A-Bear with 12 other kids in attendance, and I felt like a scrooge for having only chosen the "$20 per child" option. I had to forcibly restrain my child from trying to spend an extra $60 to outfit his bear in full camouflage gear.
(And I tried to talk Simon into choosing the kippah and tallis clothing set for his bear, but alas -- he chose a Phoenix Suns uniform.)
At least you only had 5. I've seen like dozens (of 5 year olds) go into that store at one time. Of course, it was AFTER their limo rides from Libby Liu (place where they get all dressed up like princess and get makeup and stuff done)
I bet my mom was glad I was a tomboy
Oh, we all take it in the poop chute to keep the little beggers happy - it's just part of the deal...:-)
Suck it up dad!! Its all part of the parent contract.
that is shoooo shweeet...really.
Oh, yes, I am well acquainted with that particular store chain. One way I have found around that is to make my kid save allowance money for, like, EVER until there's enough to buy one of those things.
I don't care if I look like an asshat when it comes to that stuff. Places like that are what grandparents are for, IMO.
You left out one letter. "N" for "nice Dad."
I hear ya DGM. We have this same place in Canada, and I have become victim to the phuleezzzzz can I have him from both my girls. AND we FLY TO FLORIDA to go to Disneyworld and look up where the nearest BAB is, and drive there to buy one so we can FLY an AMERICAN one home, cause the ones at home are CANADIAN. sheeshhhh
You should have been in line with me when the paramedic in front of me did a very delicate CPR technique on her stuffed animal heart and then had the heart sewed into her stuffed buddy.
I wore that same "M" once. Only my "KID" was 18 years old and I spent a dang FORTUNE on a stuffed bear and some slutty lingerie to dress her in. Who knew you could buy slutty lingerie for a stuffed bear? My daughter took one look and said, "BUY ME THIS OR I'LL DIE"
What's a mom to do, I kind of wanted to keep her for awhile...
We passed one of those stores once but fortunately our little one is too young to understand them. And at the moment nothing can replace the over-snuggled Tommy the Teddy Bear that he insists on dragging all over the place.
My husband bought me a BAB once... and he won't step foot into the store ANY MORE. Apparently they made him, a 30+ year old man who was there BY HIMSELF, go through the whole workshop... even kissing the heart! LOL.
I do love him though.
My parents used to buy me all the knock offs. Instead of a Cabbage Patch doll, I got a Flower Patch Kid. She had yarn for hair. And no birth certificate. When you took her ponytail out and flipped her over, she had the equivalent of a bald man's cul-de-sac, i.e. no hair except around the crown of her head.
I loved that little bald, bastard doll.
Hold me.
You are my new personal hero. I've also been in that store and I feel your pain.
I can more than imagine how you felt in that "Stuff it" store. I go there often to buy clothes for a special dog! That's right...a dog. The cute little outfits have velcro closings and they are way cheaper than the crap you get at Petsmart or even Target.
The few men that are in there don't like to make eye contact with ANYONE except for the little person they are with. I allow my mean side to come out and purposely say Hi to any men in that store...just because I know they don't want to be noticed.
Sorry.