I drank four bottles of Guinness at a party hosted by Adam The Ambulance Chaser on Saturday night, which is kind of like drinking two loaves of alcoholic bread, which meant Sunday morning was as welcome to me as a root canal sans anesthesia. But there was no time to dilly-dally. (Who the hell says “dilly-dally”? What am I, Miss Daisy?) Sunday morning was Bring One Of Your Parents To Sunday School, Even If They’re Like Way Hung-Over, Because We’re Going To Make Some Dumb-Ass Arts And Crafts That You’ll Be Too Embarrassed To Display In Your House Anyway Day.

So there we were, at the butt crack of 10 a.m., seated in front of two square slabs of gray clay. They looked like my life felt.

“Welcome, parents,” the chipper woman said, “and thank you all for coming.”

In my mind I told her to suck it.

Our assignment was to make a pair of candlesticks out of clay, which I immediately identified as a task requiring far too much dexterity for someone in my condition. I demoted myself to be my son’s subordinate (as if it’s not ALWAYS that way).

“What should we make?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “How ‘bout a hockey puck and a hockey stick?”

“YEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!“ he said. (One point for dad.)

I want to digress here for a moment so we can speak to one another frankly. Let us all put aside our biases and agree to this: kids are shitty artists. Can we agree on that? If I had left him to his own devices he would have created some horrible monstrosity that I would have had to sneak out of our house and dispose of in a dumpster behind the supermarket. And that’s just the truth. If you don’t believe me, ask God.

He picked up the first slab of clay and tried to cut enough off of the corners to make it a round shape. About 15 seconds in, he got frustrated, threw his little plastic knife down on the table and had a fit. (He gets that from his mom.) Have you any idea what a tantrum sounds like the morning after four bottles of bread? It sounds like this: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

I slid the clay and the knife over to my spot at the table and “helped” my son create his hockey candlesticks – and by “help” I of course mean that I took over and did the whole thing myself. Because I’m controlling. And because there are scary people who hang out near the dumpster behind the supermarket. And because I don’t want to die.

Thirty minutes later, we had a passable puck and stick, each with a candle-sized hole in the center. I picked them up and carried them to a table, which is where we to assemble them on a cookie sheet to dry.

Someone walked by and complimented our creation, and I was all, “If you think that’s rad, wait until you read my blob, lady. Prepare yourself for a category five nipple boner.”

Right after this woman’s compliment, as I looked down and smiled at my son, as if to say, “Dude, we rock,” some old bag a few feet away got all uppity and shit and was all, “It’s only good because the dad did all the work.”

In my mind I told her to suck it.

I looked at her and said, “Excuse me?” to imply that I must not have heard her correctly because I could swear she’d just said something rude, which I knew she couldn’t have done, because she must have known that if she said something rude I was going to have to write her a strongly worded letter that contained multiple uses of the term BITCH-ASS HO.

“Just saying,” she said. “I didn’t see your son doing much work on it.”

Then, out of nowhere, my son piped up.

He said, "Well, uh, ma'am, we'd love to stay and, uh, chat with you about our candlesticks and which one of us made them and everything, but, um, you're a total bitch. So, uh...bye!"

I shall call him "Mini Me."

Comments

oh my. That is absolutely hilarious. It could only get better if you had a photo of the old bag's face when he said that.

Did it cure your hangover? At least momentarily?

I have a mini me too and frankly I find it a little disturbing...

no pictures of the final product? I am so disappointed....

Haha oh my gosh. Normally, I don't suppose I'd find swearing in Sunday School terribly amusing, but I think that woman totally deserved it ;)

So, you'll be looking for a new church, eh?

Eh - it's overrated anyway - sleep in on Sundays ;)

...no he didn't!.....that is too funny.

I hope you gave your kid a "loaf of bread" when you went home. He earned it.

Did your son really say that?? If so, he made my day. LMFAO.

And Guiness is TOTALLY like eating loaves of bread. I worked with a guy who was from Dublin and he'd have 7 PINTS before coming into work (we worked the nightshift...important to know). Nevermind the alcohol content he was metabolizing, but I never understood how he could fit that many loaves into his stomach. And he was the most accurate graphic artist we had!

This post brought a little tear to my eye. One more example of why you are so proud of your Champ. They grow up so fast, don't they?

Ha! Oh dear... is it wrong to laugh at that?

Ahhh, the student becomes the teacher...nicely done.

oh man that is good! That lady is just jealous because she tried to help her child and it still looked crappy!

Um, did he REALLY say that? Because if he did... man, I bow to your awesomeness. That is some quality parenting right there.

I'd have been tempted to ram the puck and stick up her ass. But that's why I don't go to church anymore. ;)

I knew I should have gone. Oy!

It's at this exact moment in time, that you know you've done right by your kids.

My dad came to visit last week - a dad that has never been around and is only meeting my kids for the first and second times... Standing in line for a ride at Disneyland my dad tried to pinch my 3 year old's chubby cheeks to which my son yelled, "No ASSHOLE!"

[Sniff] Couldn't be prouder, really.

Drinking the real shit AND hearing your offspring bollock someone out of it in the same 24 hour period.

must be SWEET.

If he really said that, he gets an academy award for acting (and you probably get negative points for parenting - but the humor factor totally outweighs).

Nice Monday story.

I think if I would have drank more on Saturday's; church would have been easier to stomach. Or maybe not. Hilarious!!

Um...I say dilly-dally. A LOT.

I drank an entire bottle of champagne yesterday. After my fifth or sixth Mimosa (I lost count okay, so sue me Adam) my step-mother asked if I wanted to "finish off" the bottle. I'm classy like that.

My point is, had my kids created something for me last night, I'd of considered it fine art. Your mistake was not drinking the Guinness just before Sunday school.

IF your kid really said that. I am totally borrowing him. Please? ;)

Ahhhh, Sunday school. It brings back memories. I'm sending my kid to YOUR Sunday school.

He really should learn how to use the term 'bitch ass ho' in all of its glory. I feel that is fundamental to any good, strong upbringing. There are a few other choice phrases and I would be more than happy to share them with you.

Hysterical. The unbridled frankness of youth.

the problem with my kids is, all of them, even the 2-year-old, are way better artists than moi. so there's no chance of me ever being accused of doing my kids' art projects! at least you got that goin' for ya.

So, not only is your son awesome, but I have found another human who says "butt-crack of" before a time that is waaaaay to early to be functioning.

Awesome.

I love your son. Can I have him when he's housebroken?

Regular reader that finally just HAD to pipe up. Nice work teaching the boy to deliver a tongue lashing! I hope my little man can one day make me as proud. Right now he still tells on me when I swear. Baby-steps.

Your digression about kid-art made me remember a website I haven't thought of in a really long time. Thought you might enjoy.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule

Way to go Dad! I have two fully grown mini-me's. Basically, you've taught him to stand up to assholes. I love it! Give that kid a huge hug tonight & tell him how awesome he is.

I would just like to state for the record that my son did NOT actually say that. He doesn't know those words.

The honest truth is that I said nothing in response to her right then and instead chose to passive-aggressively tear her a new one in this forum.

But by all means, please continue to to compliment me on how I've taught the boy to disrespect his elders. ;)

Did I already tell you the shopping cart story? If so, suffice to say that is hilarious and you may move on to the next commenter.

If not...when our now 6 year old was about 3 we were at Target...he was sitting in the cart-seat-thingy with his legs sticking out...the lady in line behind us repeatedly ran her cart into his legs while I was unloading the cart.......he looked right at her and said "Stupid Bitch". I was laughing so hard I couldn't scold him...instead, I told her, "at least he used it correctly."

That should have said "suffice to say that what your son did is hilarious"....damn typing fingers

I feel used, was there even really 4 bottles of Guinness at least?

With or without the comment from your son, that was a freakin awesome story and that it started with Guiness was a big seller. I am a huge advocate in liquid bread, and firmly believe you should partake more often.

And THAT, my friend, is why we don't do sunday school and are raising our children to be godless heathens.

Ask God, indeed.

So, I found this blog through alltop.com and have been laughing my ass off all day long. I read an entire years worth of postings and just can't stop! Dude, you are seriously my fuckin' hero! Long live Adam the Ambulance Chaser!

I wish I had been brave enough to use the word bitch in Sunday School. Good Job raising brave souls!!!!

Hahaha! That was great! Thanks for the laugh!

You should be so proud.

You can't blame him for being honest. And cool.

Heh. It would've been funny if he really had said that...because he's not my kid.

Such language on Easter morning. . .tsk tsk

That boy is so gonna OWN you by the time he's 12!!!!

Ah for the courage to say what we want, when we want to :)

Like kids ever make their own projects anyway, ever poster, banner etc. I ever had to make for homework was done by my mum.

That lady is just bitter because she has to make a trip to the dumpster and try to cheat death.

Hilarious!

Funny as hell! Shall we assume that your next post will be about how your wife reamed you a new one for allowing your son to say that (as well as picking up those choice words from you)?

Too bad your Jewish. You could have looked her in the eye and said "What a "Christian" attitude, you must be so proud." Works great on hypocrites, especially in church. They seem to congregate there don't they?

That is SOO funny! Even if it's a bit of an exaggeration. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks children's artwork is generally crap.

As a mother of 2 girls, I must say I hope THEY never say anything like that in CHURCH! I think I might have had to crawl into the nearest cabinet to hide until church was over! Although I must say the old BAG deserved it!

Danny, did you notice you got comments from Sharpay Evans and Jamie Lynn Spears? You have quite a range of readers.

As my wife would say to me, "That is so wrong, but it's funny!" And all this in Sunday School? At least you were in the right place to ask forgiveness for anything you might have said or thought! -Jeremy @ Discovering Dad

I think we've all missed the point here that you were THAT hung over after four little beers? Dude. If your gonna try to drink Irish, at least be ready to handle it Irish: Alka Seltzer, and Massive Sport bottle of water before bed, Fruit Punch Vitamin Water & Sugar Free Red Bull mixed in the same sport bottle the next morning. Plus more alka seltzer. And a big, heavy, greasy breakfast (preferably before and after sleeping) to soak up what's left in your tummy. We Irish Catholics have skillz, Danny, mad crazy skillz...you need someone to be your Token Gentile Friend?