I must preface the telling of this deranged, despicable story with a humiliating admission.

I’ve been working on my colon.

Last weekend I became fearful that all of the nutritionally catastrophic food I’ve eaten over the past (almost) 38 years has probably done quite a number on my insides. When my friend Jimbo was engaged in a full-scale attack on the cancer in his liver, he told me he’d twice endured the indignity of “colonic hydrotherapy,” which is an alternative treatment whereupon some poor soul shoots a water cannon up your butt, and then the cannon gets shifted into reverse and sucks the water back out with the enthusiasm of a Dyson taking a power-hit from a crack pipe. Jim said the outgoing water was bejeweled with the remnants of all of the steaks and burgers and hot dogs he’d eaten over the years. I barfed when he told me that.

Notwithstanding that glorious-sounding treatment, I knew there must be a method by which I could improve my digestive and colonic health without having a water propulsion device coming anywhere near my back door. I found some help in the form of dietary supplements – pills that raise the amount of fiber in my gut and other pills that, for lack of a more appropriate term, “lubricate” my pipes so that the fiber operates in something like a big, abdominal slip-and-slide.

One of the unexpected side effects of this treatment is (all together now) gas. Lots of it. It’s not especially pungent, but the entertainment value is off the charts. These are the kind of farts that sound like a box-cutter ripping through cardboard. The kind that makes my butt cheeks clap at breakneck speed. The kind that lets you know there’s a frat boy in the vicinity.

Fast-forward to this afternoon.

I took the book I’m reading over to Wahoo’s, a popular SoCal fish taco restaurant. This particular Wahoo’s sits in the back of a very large shopping mall. I sat and ate and read. When I came to the end of a chapter and the end of my meal, I looked at my watch and noticed that I still had about 15 minutes to ride the escalator down to the Apple Store and ogle the merchandise like a lunatic.

I stood up and walked toward the downward escalator. As I did so, I felt that familiar little rumble that tells me there’s a cardboard box that needs cutting. Some little gas bubble was about to earn its wings.

When I stepped onto the escalator, that sumbitch was right at the gate and ready to fly.

Right then, a mother and her three-year-old son stepped onto the escalator. They were three steps behind me.

The fatherly instinct in me kicked in. I knew I had to protect the boy, which is to say I needed NOT to unleash my gastrointestinal shock and awe campaign right in his face. But the thing was crowning! It was way past the point of no return.

I groaned audibly as I clenched my cheeks with all of my might. I turned to look again and saw that the boy was clearly inside the blast zone. Squeeze it, Danny. Squeeze it. A bead of sweat dove down from my forehead and onto the tip of my nose.

Fbbbbrrrrppp.

It beat me. The god-damned fart beat me.

With the cheek-clapping came a modest but potent cloud of ass that wafted into the air.

And the poor kid rode right through it. I crop-dusted him.

Young man, if you’re reading this, I’m so terribly sorry that you had to experience that. Wrong place, wrong time, dude. My bad.

Unless you thought it was funny like I did, in which case you're way cool and we should totally hang out sometime and talk about farts. I'll bring my son.

Comments

OMG I have tears pouring down my cheeks... that is the funniest thing I've read in a loong time, and all I do is pretty much look for funny things to read.

And I kept hearing this little voice, that sounded a lot like my father-in-law, saying "At my age, you never trust a fart."

Wow...it's really only acceptable when it's your own kid, isn't it? Tough little guy never saw it coming. Nice urban dictionary link you snuck in there too. I took advantage of it to figure this one out: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=priapism

Screen.. keyboard. sprayed with water....

Love it. Love it. Love it. Maybe you should do that at the theater tonight. Chances are, you won't be invited back.

You sicko. Potty humor never, ever warrants a second blog post in a single day. On the other hand, feel free to post a third one to let us all know whether HW had any use for your umbrella.

-- Your Attorney and Blog Advisor

You subjected that poor boy to your trouser cough. And the poor mom trapped on the elevator too. The ultimate dutch oven.

My uncle calls his farts his "kiss to the world". He's cynical like that.

Damn...I read it as elevator instead of escalator...nevermind about the dutch oven.

Escalators are the MOST evil place on earth in which to fart. I speak from experience, having ascended into strangers' bum gas on London Underground once too often.

My favourite new expression for the abdominal slip & slide you describe is "like an otter off a bank".

OMG!!! Be careful with Fiber it's addicting. I am completely Fiber obsessed. I had this bad habit of sneaking Fiber into everything El Grande and I ate. He spent about 3 months unable to grasp why he had violent and explosive shits every morning. Eventually the jig was up. He figured it out and threatened to go on a hunger strike if I didn't start warning him of all the food items in the house with more than 3 grams if Fiber. FYI....All-Bran is making a High Fiber drink mix. It has like 10 grams of Fiber/ serving. I am up to like 50 grams a day. Did I mention El Grande had to replace the toliet seat last night???

I used to work at a place that did colonics, and I had to have one to know what it was like. It wasn't too bad, or at least it wouldn't have been if my therapist had been more experienced (she was still in training). My tummy was completely flat for months afterward.

God help me when my boys figure out how to crop dust the house. Not enough air freshener on the planet, they come from strong, STRONG fart genes. I fear for the future.

You just need to tweak that diet a bit more. There's this great dog food I keep hearing commercials for that stops your dog from getting gas.... I suppose you could put lots of ketchup on it.

Oh. My. God. That is seriously the funniest thing I have ever read. My hubby came running in the room because I was laughing hysterically and gasping for air! I hate it when you get crop-dusted by your own kids! My 2 yr. old was being all sweet and climbed into my lap and wanted me to read her a story, when all of a sudden a felt a nice warm little pop, accomplied by the lovely "pop" sound. I could believe she did it right on my lap!! Anyway, keep up the good work, I love reading your blog! It puts a smile on my face everytime I read a new one!

DMG,

OMG, I laughed so hard I cried and my sides hurt. Bathroom humor extrordinair.

Being the oldest of eight kids, six boys and two girls there were always "gas attacks", SBV's = Silent but violents, or SBD's - Silent but deadly.

Thanks for sharing your experience

OMG...you're one sick dude! I did laugh, though. That poor little guy.

My three year old takes personal responsibility for any fart he hears, so he'd have chimed up with "Excuse me!".

I am totally crying right now. That was hilarious.

OMG - hilarious - laughed so loud I woke my son up! Got to be one of the funniest things I've read. Nothin' beats a good ol' gas gag!

I was at a party for adults but there were some high school boys there too, and one of them walked by and farted. I said to the group of women I was talking to, "Ewww, he just crop-dusted!"

NOT ONE OF THEM KNEW WHAT IT MEANT!

Your story is hilarious! I wouldn't have felt sorry for the kid though, I would have been more embarrassed that the mom got the stench... hot air does rise!

Good God.

And to think I almost dined at Wahoo's today. I COULD HAVE BEEN THAT MOTHER ON THE ESCALATOR.

Ahhh, yes. Elevators. Just when you think you're alone.

Frankly, I get the most crop dusting from our Cairn Terrier, wherever & whenever she damn well pleases. Ick! Yet, she does have an affinity for enclosed areas... like cars. I've taken to carrying matches in a number of strategically located places (like my bra, for quick access), especially when that bitch is with me.

Seriously, I couldn't quit laughing-crying-snorting-and-starting-over-again-laughing-crying-snorting. I think it went on for 23 minutes before I could even see the monitor again.

Goddamn, you are a funny SOB.

That was hilarious! I do the hydrotherapy! It's much more environmentally friendly!

So, how did you like the performance?

dude, you rock. totally. rock.

I'm laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face. Thanks for a good laugh, Danny!

Clearly, I will NEVER stop finding farts funny. I'm 36 and this made me convulse with laughter.

Oh dear Lord, that is hilarious.

My husband would kill me if he knew I was saying this, but the guy has some rancid farts. The worst. The kind which he can blame on the dog, and get away with it. But, they are always, always, worse at the movies. Something about the popcorn. It never fails that we'll be surrounded on all sides and he'll let slide an SBD. I don't know what's worse...smelling it, or having people think it might be mine.

The infamous box cutter fart. Yes, we know about these in my household too. Sometimes they cannot be helped. May I suggest a book to get you through this difficult time? It's called The Gas We Pass. Highly recommended in the Amazon children's section. My husband gives it two thumbs up.

Dude .... that is great literature!

Thanks for the laugh.

~Jef

just wait until you actually turn 38. i turned 38 a few months ago and shortly after my body began producing gas at a rate i haven't experienced since college - and i'm not taking any dietary supplements.

still, well done!

Shit,I just blew coffee all over the damn keyboard.....

and now for some reason I have the "Beans, Beans,the magical fruit".....song stuck in my head.

I haven't lived with boys in a long time. But this IS hilarious. Unfortunately my daughter and my dog find it just as funny to crop dust me!

Heh heh heh you said "fish taco."

Love,
Butthead

OMG that was funny!!!

Let r rip!!!!!

Holy cow, that was the funniest thing I've read in a long time! I think my husband will definitely appreciate this entry.

I literally have tears running down my face from laughing so hard! Good gravy man--that was hilarious....and seeing as though I was one of many women who have ever had the misfortune of "having gas" while pregnant and not being able to control it--I truly appreciate that little ditty. =)

Lawd help, I haven't laughed this hard in I don't know when!

i passed out reading this.

At a place I used to work at it had a 1 stall bathroom with no working fan. One co-worker started a OMG factor scale of 1 to 5
1 being a slight cough to catch your breath to 5 being someone stuffed deer entrails in the toilet from the weekend before. I finally had the fan fixed when the group of 4 guys thought this was a contest, the original intention was a prevention to avoid the room for 10 to 45 minutes. You got in the habit of always checking yor email before you dumped the RV. This contest ran for 2 years and then we moved to another office. Gives a whole new job description to analysts. Oh the fond days of yester year.

STOP! I'm cryin' heah. You had me at "crop dusted".

I've been reading a long ass time but never commented before and all it took to pull me out of the wood work was a good hard laugh over a fart. This is so funny I had to link to it from my blog so my one reader could have a good chuckle too!

somehow, the juxtaposition of the particular book you were reading with the fart story sums up the collective "raison d'etre" for DGM and babyshrink. let 'er rip!

In my house of boys, we call 'em Blappers!

omfg- i am dying. DYING.. LMFAO! that kid probably deserved it. yay!

OMG! That is the FUNNIEST thing I have ever read. I laughed so hard my sides are aching and i have tears rolling down my face!! Thank you!!

LOL...had I been drinking coke, it would have shot out of my nose just now.

I always love your stories, but this has to be the best one yet! And it made me feel great that I still have a little bit of an immature 14 year old left in me to laugh my ass off!

hahaha...ahhh. Thanks. I needed that.

Your kids are going to love looking back and reading this entry over and over again. This one can't get old.

HA! Funny stuff.

I too have been trying to get my intestines back on track. A couple weeks ago, I discovered Fiber One bars. It never fails. About 2-3 hours after eating one, I'll have some serious gas that has some serious bass.

Yesterday, it got to the point that my husband got fed up and cranked up the volume on the tv.

Awesome.

I am laughing so hard. I love a good fart story, but I've never read a blogger who tells it with such finesse. Your ability to paint a picture, a smelly picture, is great.