Hi guys,

I’ve been wearing a lot of thin cotton shirts lately, so you’ve probably noticed that the 60-degree, partly cloudy, moderately perfect weather that passes for winter in Southern California is fading away like…well…like you guys did when I turned 35.

Soon it will be summer, and I think all three of us know what that means. Pool parties. Beach trips. Touch football games between “shirts” and “skins” (I always seem to end up a “skin”). All kinds of things that will require me to take off my shirt and expose you guys. Can you see why that might not be an attractive option?

Not to put too fine a point on it but I haven’t seen anything as white and flat as you two since that time I saw Goldie Hawn at the Quiznos on Pico.

Maybe you're thinking you still look like you did 12ish years ago on our honeymoon. Remember that?

Look! Hot Wife can barely keep her hands off of you guys.

If not for the well-documented unevenness of your nipples, and also that preposterous, wimpy-ass Mr. T starter kit around your neck, you might have loosely had an outside shot at borderline studliness.

But the past decade has not been kind, dudes, and we have work to do. You don’t want to be caged up all summer and I don’t want to have to go another year telling people I’m some freakish albino pussy whose body molts its pectoral muscles every summer like a porcupine does with its needles. No more lies. We need to take immediate corrective action. Push-ups. Pull-ups. Kegel exercises. No mercy. Live through death.

(Besides, our health insurance doesn’t cover pec implants.)

(Which is odd because we live in Orange County, where plastic surgery is as commonplace as Asian gangs and Starbucks. You’re a bona fide nobody here unless you’ve had your face pulled tighter than a snare drum and beach balls installed in your chest and, according to the latest and most disturbing trend, your butthole bleached, presumably so everyone who happens to see that part of your body immediately assumes you’re too rich and posh to poop.)

As I see it, there is only one threat to our rehabilitation of your puny selves: her. The Evil Fitness Warlord, Hot Wife.

As you will certainly recall, our past voyages into the sordid world of physical activity have been met with lazily suppressed laughter and unabashed claims that we’re “doing it wrong” by the Hot Warlord. There’s reason to believe she’ll do the same now, especially when she sees me doing pushups and my weak little arms are quivering like an incontinent whore in church. In the wintertime.

When she sees one eyebrow going up and down repeatedly and we reveal to her that it’s because we’re doing our kegel exercises, she’ll contend that such things have no impact on you two. But we will not be deterred because we know fitness is systemic. If your loins ain’t happy, no body parts can be happy. Can I get a whatwhat?

[Whatwhat!]

(Thank you, left pec.)

Being fit and toned and coordinated and luscious doesn’t give her the right to oppress us and force us to abandon our march to muscularity. We will not be deterred. Do you want to know why? Do you want to know why we’re in this fight to win it?

Because I’m almost 38 years old. Because I like beer and snack cakes. Because this summer, for the first time, it’s possible that your neighbor to the south, Mr. Gut, will stick out farther than you guys do. And that’s just not OK. Not even a little bit.

Now drop and give me 20!

Actually? Drop and give me three.

All my love,
Danny

Comments

Kegel exercises. hilarious

At least your pecs are still answering your letters, and accepting of love.

Mine are a couple of boobs. They ignore me, withdraw from direct sunlight, and generally mewl to each other from behind crossed arms and throw pillows.

If you found them under a rock, you'd blink, then quickly roll it back into place.

The hair on them isn't even cool. It looks like something found in the shower drain then glued onto a Halloween mask.

And Evil? My wife has made future children conditional on my allowing our four-month-old to latch onto one of them. My boobs.

mmmm Kegeling for men... You could have a whole new kind of Keg party with that. A bunch of guys toning their groins while pumping the tap and watching the game.

I had the same conversation with my flabby-ass arms 3 years ago and now they are firm and HARD thanks to having had 2 kids since then who want to be lifted and carried everywhere!

Urg.

My "neighbor to the south" started sticking out further than my pecs a couple of years ago.

At least you(and I) don't have moobs!

Good luck with the fitness thingie!

(Hot Wife is a brunette?!?!?!?)

I'm with you, man. I've seen 5:45 AM more times this week than I have in the last 5 years combined.

We should totally have a push-up contest.

You're killing me here! I am SO freakin glad I came across your blog, because you are making me laugh every stinking day!!

I had a similar epiphany about 2 years ago Danny (at 37), and hit the weights. It's worth it, do it, and keep at it. You'll have gains and losses, and at our age the progress can be maddeningly slow, but as long as you keep at it it will pay off.

Um can I semi-abridge this letter and send it to my fat gut? Thanks.

Kegels. OMG.

PUT A SHIRT ON. NOW.

white and flat = a far more attractive option than a hefty set of moobs.

STFU; butthole bleaching? I had to Urban Dictionary that and now I also know about the Dirty Penny.

I am complete.

LMAO - I didn't even know men COULD do Kegel exercises!

I don't know how many New Years Resolutions have been to get in shape. Hasn't happened yet.

very nice......

At least you still have hair to
brush, don't you ?

Manvanity, gotta love it.

Keep up with the kegels. I'm
sure it will help those pecs.

Hope the pecsk have the decency to,
at the very least, respond.

And, as a wise woman said to me
while we shared a room in the hospital, ''this getting old is not for the faint of heart''.

Sounds like, it's not for people
without plastic surgeons where you reside.

*sigh*. And to think that I saw
botox used many years ago for
medical reasons and not for cosmetic ones, and the grafting
worked. Unlike some of those
plastic faces walking around not
eve capable of facial expressions.

What a thought. What a world.

Long comment, sorry - get back at it.

Kate

i'm going to watch this until i see hotwife's comment.

you're cute - pecs notwithstanding. I'm gonna bet that's the first letter of it's kind. you're an innovator.

I love you.
xo

I'll make a deal with you, Danny. I'll do 20 a day if you do, too. My upper arms are an embarrassment.

You really should submit that to McSweeneys. SO FUNNY. Now I'm off to Urban Dictionary.

Is this a cry for help?

Skinny and white ... is loads and loads better than a set of hairy moobs!

I hope the pecs listen to ya though and whip themselves into shape! Maybe more beer curls will help?

How freaking tall are you?? Or his Hot Wife really just that short? My hubs is a foot taller than me...makes life interesting.

Do you freelance? Could use a well-worded letter to the Junk in My Trunk.

Letmeknowthanks.

This is great. I did a similar diary-style entry on my blog about my attempt at a fitness routine. P90X is it's name. I hate fitness routines. My new motto "I am in shape. Round is a shape." Just kidding, but it still sucks. Glad I'm not the only one.

That picture is disturbing. Did you steal some poor kid's arm floatie to put around your waist? The only exercise you should be doing is shoveling sandwich to mouth.

kegels...I about died laughing

I'm betting the Evil Fitness Warlord would like to video some of said exercises and put them up on YouTube.

Who else wants to see?

Dude. My 3-year-old has more defined pecs than you do.

Ahhhhh. Yes, as we are the same age, I have the same thoughts- different body parts but the same thoughts- tone tone tone!

What is that, like a size 26 waist?

You've got a few years head start on me, but I think I have this sorted.

It's gone for good.

We are always a stone (14, ok I'll round up for the yanks, 15lbs) overweight and always 10 weeks off looking the we we intend to.

It's curtains.

Pure poetry.

Kegels? OMFG! My monitor is a mess. Next time warn us when we need to swallow, k? lol :)

Oh - so you're aware about the unevenness of your nipples then? Good - admitting it is the first step, yanno ...
(Actually, maybe that unevenness is way to get your insurance to greenlight the pec implant surgery?)

Don't listen to them, Danny, you look GREAT in the photos. I'm pretty sure that's a 6-pack I see in the snorkelface pic.

Either that, or creases from the imprint of the water wing you slipped around your waist.

Anyway, stay motivated! You can do it! I believe in you!

Go, you little noodle, GO!

Again, you have found a way to make me laugh like a hyena. Kegels, Mr. T starter kit,etc... I should have learned by now not to eat or drink anything while reading your site. Time to clean the computer again. Thanks for the laugh.

"...Mr. T starter kit around your neck" ... hilarious!!!

Seriously? People are bleaching their butt-holes? Owwwwww. . . .

I think despite all the great lines, based on the number of comments and my own pained curiosity, the most interesting one is that about bleaching of the butthole. It sounds like you need to do some investigating (but not too much...) and post about that. (deep shudder)

Ow, and eww

I wonder if they can make "Maxine" cards for men? You must, you must, you must increase your bust!
It will make anything south look skinny...ask me, I got 36c south and I KNOW!! They haven't been behaving AT ALL...genetics and all that, not my lack of exercise, ahem.

Doing my best to get rid of Fat Daddy and in its place Hot Daddy. Hard when you love food and your wife is 8 months pregnant.

Nice bird.

Ha! Wait until you hit 55. I just bought a new bra. I was a lacy underwire 36 long.

Okay, is it just me? The first thing I thought of with the bleaching of puckered nethers was "Do they get hazard pay?! Is there enough money IN THE WORLD?!?!?!"

Just. Ew. No.

I'm sending people to read you Danny. You make me snicker.