Once a year, Hot Wife hauls ass out of town with a gaggle of her hot friends from high school. They generally flee to some soothing, luxurious oasis where they all get “amaaaaazing” massages and read each other articles about blowjobs in Cosmo, and get completely obliterated on a glass and a half of cheap Syrah.

That's my wife with her head down. She wants nothing to do with this.

Each time she takes one of these weekends, I am left at home alone with the kids. When they were toddlers, I dreaded the mere notion of 48 straight hours of home confinement with two children who, even on their very best days, made me want to lock them in their rooms with a bucket and a package of raw meat. But they’re older now, and although I would LOVE to sit here and tell you how hard I worked this weekend, the truth is they were pretty mellow. But that’s not what I tell Hot Wife. As far as she knows, I had to save their lives several times over and I deserve to be compensated for my efforts with a litany of naughty favors.

This should come as no surprise: we spent much of the weekend in front of the TV.

In between the Final Four and two hockey games, I permitted the kids to watch their shows – and I even went so far as to sit down and watch some with them. As it turns out, the current wave of children’s television falls into two distinct categories:

1) Tried and true. Many of the shows my kids watch offer modernized regurgitations of the same themes I remember watching when I was a kid: honesty, respect for others, making smart decisions, putting the seat down when you're done, and so on. You may bust a gut laughing at the awkward manner with which Zack and Cody try to score a dime bag of The Chronic from the smelly drug dealer in the homeroom, they show ends by showing the importance of always saying please and thank you – even when you’re buying weed.

2) Dogshit. I could paint a fancy word picture about how there are times when kids should NOT be encouraged to express themselves (at least not on tape), but I think it would be more appropriate to let you see it for yourself:

Is it me or does that kid need about a month of solitary confinement?

I don’t wanna go to school
Yes, it’s true
I don’t wanna see the teacher’s
face again

I can’t deny you of your freedom? Really? You look around and all you see is depression? Well, keep looking, you little Dave Grohl wannabe crybaby band geek, because you’re about to see the crack of your uncle Danny’s hairy ass. Whining in front of a live studio audience is still whining, you big baby. Back away from the keyboard, go get a haircut and march your poor, oppressed, defiant hiney off to social studies before I make you listen to your own song.

I was so irritated by this song when it was shown on the Disney Channel that I shut the TV off and took the kids outside to play soccer.

I got tired of that after about 15 minutes, so we piled into the car and went to rent Alvin and the Chipmunks. And I think we can all agree on this: when you turn to a movie about three animated rodents for relief from ANYTHING, you’re in a world of hurt.

Welcome to my life.

Comments

You're a brave soul. Even the commmercials for Alvin & The Chipmunks made me lose my cookies once.
I thought I was in the clear because the movie was out of theaters when all the sudden, DVD season was upon us, and there was a wet chipmunk lathering himself on my screen.
Uuuuugh. Jason Lee's biggest mistake.

Re: your comment -- I worked in a store, which is to say that I've been called a bitch many times, but never by someone who lives in SoCal. I'd say you're in the clear. Though I can help you download a ringtone, if you need assistance.

My kiddo cracks up every time she sees a commercial for that movie...ugh.

I understand the whole stereotype of Mom leaving for a weekend away, and Dad going bonkers by being left alone with the kids. There have been plenty of bad comedy movies made on the subject. But aren't we ready to move past these outdated notions?

I'm a single dad. I've been raising my kids solo, half-time for 8 years. I LOVE my time with them. I don't thank God every time they head to Mom's, or expect favors in return.

I don't know Dad Gone Mad, but I know plenty of neighborhood dad's who react in similar ways. If Mom goes away, they call for take-out pizza, or worse, expect Mom to leave a tupperware dinner to be heated up.

Part of the parenting experience is caring for the kids, supporting their interests, sharing in their lives. I hope your readers know that there are men in the world who embrace the chance to spend time caring for the kids.

The real question Danny is:

Are the T-shirts comps that HW gave to her girlfriends (in which case you deserve not only a naughtyHW but television in the bedroom)

-OR-

Did their husbands splurge for the shirts?

Ha ha! My seven year old is addicted to Disney Channel. Thank God she hasn't discovered this so-called band (as if Hannah Montana isn't enough torture!) And P.S. we watched Alvin and the Chipmunks this weekend too. Creepy.

All I have to say is that live-action versions of cartoons usually turn out badly. Examples: either Scooby Doo movie, Curious George, either Garfield movie, Alvin & The Chipmunks, Speed Racer.

You had to know it would end poorly.

I tried putting complaints to music, and I found it doesn't really help me get what I want. I tried singing ordinary statements instead.

You try singing "Can I have a ten and two fives?" to the cashier when she's asks you how you want your cashback, without getting any weird looks. I got my twenty bucks the way I wanted it, but people in my town now think I'm a whole lot more strange that I really am.

Lighten up, dadshouse.

Mazel tov to you for living in Shangri-La with your pizza-deprived kids. But down here in the real world, we think it's OK to voice our frustrations -- and even embellish them for comedic effect from time to time.

You're free to talk out of your ass all you want, but when you suggest that you love your kids more than we mortal men, you make a presumptive and extraordinarily ignorant leap.

I'm sorry I couldn't even make it through the entire song....it's just painful.

Wow, that was really bad. I couldn't make it through the whole song.

I don't think I will ever recover from the fifteen seconds of that video I watched.

How I long for the days of my youth, when quality musical children's programming meant switching on Jem and the Holograms.

Icky song - I hear too much of that kinda crap from my own kids.

Mmmm, 48 hours to myself?

I suppose I'll have to wait a bit - can't expect the husb to feed a 6 month old on pizza just yet (maybe in a couple of months though!). Mind you, the 2 year old loves pizza and I'm sure she'd love Alvin and the Chipmunks - she could watch that while (poor beleaguered) husb liquidizes pizza for the boy!

LMAO. You crack me up!

Daydreaming here. Ah, if the paragraph only opening paragraph concluded as follows:

They generally flee to some soothing, luxurious oasis where they all give each “amaaaaazing” massages and after getting get completely obliterated on a glass and a half of cheap Syrah - demonstrate the latest techniques they just learned in Cosmo.

I'm sorry, but I do believe that song has rendered me too stupid to leave anything resembling a worthwhile comment.

I want to go away for amaaaaazing massages. I don't care if the kids watch TV, roll in the mud, WHATEVER.

Although, when my husband watched our (then) 10 month old, I came home to find the baby in one of those purple bins you store your holiday decor in, happily playing with his toys. I just looked at my husband who said defensively, "WHAT? He likes it, and I don't have to chase him around!"

I think I'll just get one of those battery-operated massagers from Brookstone instead.

What? Are you too ashamed to show my face? The truth is I was bent over laughing.

man, lemme tell you how much that song sucked. I really wonder where disney picks up some of their talent.

and on to dadshouse: I gotta tell ya, I'm glad he cherishes every minute with his kids and I wouldn't trade places with him, but sometimes.... having 2 nights a week and every other weekend to myself doesn't look so bad to me. grass is always greener and it's very easy to criticize without seeing the whole truth.

The Dave Grohl paragraph made me jump up and pump my fists in the air. That kid wants to fight the power? We ARE the power, punk. If you're going to tell my kids that you don't wanna go to school, I'm going to tell them that I don't wanna buy your CD.

That song is going to be on repeat in my head for the rest of the day. I might just have to go find a copy of Achy, Breaky Heart to relieve me.

Alvin and the Chipmunks? Really? Now why wouldn't you just go buy a bunch of Made-For-TV movies by Hallmark and stab forks into your eyes over and over again? That movie was a travesty. I didn't think Jason Lee could get any lower until I saw him as Dave Seville.

As for you, dadshouse: I don't recall DGM saying that he didn't enjoy spending time with his kids, merely that he hasn't always anticipated it with the glee that some people might. As the mother of my spawn, I am not always over the moon to spend time with them for extended periods with no break either. At least Hot Wife gets the chance to go away once in awhile - a sure sign he's not shirking. My hubby would have had them same trepidation going into the first few hundred weekends alone with the spawn himself.

Funny post Danny! Will have to read it to Hubby when he gets home.

HA HA HA I can't stand this song...despise it with such intense passion! What kind of example is the Disney channel trying to set?

PS- TV is totally acceptable when left alone with the kids. We have four and TV is my best friend...lol

Just went back and read the comments, including dadshouse. I'm sooo glad he came by to remind us what parenting is all about. I almost forgot. And clearly, he doesn't know DGM in any sense or he wouldn't have ever posted such an idiotic response.

As for me, I know I am so lucky to have three little boys TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.

Bitch.

you wanna talk world of hurt?
i took all THREE of my kids to see that movie. in the frigging theater. by myself.
...i'm thinking i should get some sort of award for doing that...

Anything is better than Alvin & The Chipmunks....those voices drive me nuts.
I like renting one of those dog/hero type movies for the kiddies...somehow there is always some redeeming virtue in there somewhere.

I didn't think chipmunks where rodents. Maybe that's for the best..if they are.

You know, I give you credit for hanging with your kids and not locking them in the basement. Honestly, I had no idea they were running this kind of crap on the Disney Channel! From now on, I'm making my kids watch MTV! You know they got Grade A entertainment on that network!

We yanked the TV out of the girl's room a few months back when we realized that our youngest's dominant social conversation was being imprinted by Zack & Cody, and Hannah Montana, and Cory (in the House!) and who knows what else.

Okay, okay, I grew up watching You Can't Do That On Television. My wife wasn't even allowed to watch it because of the prevalence of barf jokes (but that's what spending afternoons at a friend's house are for!) So this is a little like taking the Don't Do Drugs stance when, well.... I just can't stand that Disney Channel. My kids are better off without it. All of it.

And the Naked Brothers? Isn't that something DSS should be notified about? I need to go find some Avril Lavigne to scour that song out of my ears.

But, when you were back in school wouldn't you have been the one singing that song? How about changing the word from School to Work and try singing it, more appropriate?
And next time, get HW sitting up please. We've discussed this before.

I didn't even have to click on the Youtube video. I know of this wannabe band because we frequently mock them in the Farklepants house. We are raising our children on a heavy dose of Metallica, AC/DC, Van Halen (the Roth years), et all. Thank you. Thankyouverymuch.

Vegas odds on the Ducks: 5:1

Vegas odds on the Wings: 11:2.

I'll take that action.

My daughter's first sentence will be "Let's Go Red Wings!"

Nickelodeon. Not Disney.

And might not be your cup, but are the Naked Brothers singing about things that most kids aren't feeling at some stage or another, things that you and I probably felt in the day?

And hell, at least they are writing and performing their own crappy songs themselves.

No harm, no foul here.

You may want to change the term 'Hot Wife', as it's a reference used in the (adult) "Cuckolding/Hotwifing" lifestyle and it gives the impression that your wife is...available for the attentions of men other than yourself. Just thought you may be unaware of this.

Send dadshouse over to BabyShrink for an expert lesson on the evils of TV, etc etc.
;)

Srsly... I could only watch that video for 15 seconds before blood started coming out my ears. And who names their band "The Naked Brothers?"

It's nearly as creepy as The Jonas Brothers and their "all of 13 emotional angst" in songs like "When You Look Me in the Eyes":
"When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes."

You're 13 YEARS OLD! You don't even shave and have MAYBE three pubes. You mean to tell me you know about LOVE?????

How about this from "That's Just the Way We Roll":
"You got moves, I've got shoes, let's go dancing
Pop and lock, battle dance against Hanson
If we lose, all the girls, they'll be laughing
Where would we be, if we couldn't dream?"

Hanson? Is that the ruling band of the pre-teeny-bopper set? Didn't one of them get pregnant or something?*
*Yes, I know they are all guys...

And to top off your morning, here's a bit from "Baby Bottle Pop" (which is the Wal-Mart BONUS track, OH MY):
"Baby Bottle Pop, baby bottle pop
You can lick it, shake it, and dunk it
Sweet candy fun!!"

Uh... I have no words but WTF? So glad I'm not 12 anymore...

I can only hope those kids' last name is (unfortunately) Naked. Otherwise WhyTF would you allow your kids (who probably still leave shit streaks in their chones) to name themselves "Naked Brothers Band"???
Especially when he's singing in a cape made out of a towel. And is he trying to make his voice sound all grovelly and rocker-ish?

If those kids can make money off that.... then my 5 year old can get paid for playing the drums to Nickelback's "Animal." He's pretty decent. He starts by yelling "Are you ready to rock?!?" Then hits his sticks "1, 2, 3, 4!" Then he bangs it out. More tolerable than that Naked crap. And he doesn't wear a towel-cape.

Dad Gone Mad - sorry to have sounded heavy handed. I don't claim to love my kids more than anyone else. And I know we all love and care for our kids in our own way. I simply get tired of hearing about the stereotypical dad being challenged when it comes to alone time with the kids. Sorry to ruffle feathers - didn't mean to.

DGM nails it again.
Who doesn't love a kid who minds his manners, like "always saying please and thank you – even when you’re buying weed"?

Otherwise, awe-inspiring for those who made it all the way through - I couldn't make it to the end(of the video or the Chipmunks movie)

Oh hell, it's not so bad. Mind you, if my imaginary kid actually said any of that in the morning he'd be helped out to the car with a helpful foot up his ass, but as a song I can let it slide. I hesitate to bring up Parents Just Don't Understand or Fight For Your Right (To Party), but can't help but think it's a similar type of song, just geared for younger kids. However, I won't be buying the CD anytime soon and seriously suggest they rethink the whole superpower/cape thing.

What a trip: I was pre-occupied with some honey-do's when my attention was shanghai'd by this very same video on my television over the weekend. I can't say what exact time of day it came on but I can attest to a very similar sickly feeling in my stomach when it unfolded. I wanted to punch the songwriter in the neck and give that kid something to whine about. WTF?

And thanks for the info, "Just Trying to Help"...it must be such a bummer to google the words "Hot Wife" and find your way to a site so lakcing in the content you are used to. Your knowledge enriches us all.

Those Chipmunks freak me out. I didn't like them when they were animated. Now they're just scary. Who is marketing this crap to children? What's next? A cartoon about CLOWNS!? Or DWARVES!??

Danny Boy (sorry, I'm of Irish descent):

Right on target. My daughter watches a lot of Disney channel barf, er, 'entertainment' so as a consequence my wife and I do too. And that song is one of the most singularly IRRITATING pieces of video excrement to hit the screen, ever! It makes me want to stick a nail punch into my ears. Like you, I have been experiencing the soul-crushing tedium of being stuck in a corporate cubicle. I say we give the lad a chance to spend a week beating his head against the desk while plotting his escape from a real life "Office Space" scenario! Fortunately, my wee lass is only 3.5, and knows nothing of her father's agony. Plus, we have great fun watching "Fairly Odd Parents".

On a more personal note: my wife turned me on to DadGoneMad a few months ago, and I have been a loyal reader ever since. This is the first time I have posted a comment, and I was inspired by the aformentioned video, and also by 'This Dizzy Life'.

I was moved to hear about Rusty; she seems a beautiful soul. I had also read about the miscarriage in other posts, but for some reason it hit me pretty hard this time. My wife and I have gone through the same thing (and something similar, and perhaps worse in some ways; that's another story for another time), so we know how you feel. Iam sorry it had to be that way.

Anyway, long story short, I wanted you to know how much I admire your style and the blog. Funny, sad, beautiful and always a good read. Just like life. It's been inspirational for me personally, and it gives me a good reason to surf the 'Net (especially when I am staring out the window behind my work computer). Keep telling it like you see it, my friend, and I'll be sure to keep reading.

DGM - thanks for commenting on the followup I posted on my blog. For any of your readers who missed it (and care), it's here: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/04/08/sorry-i-made-dadgonemad-madder/