Lately I’ve been thinking it’s time to take some risks with my underwear.

In the domain of undergarment fashion, I think predictability is a sign of weakness. And it’s abundantly clear to me (and to my wife no doubt) that I’ve fallen into a decade-long rut of wearing dark-colored boxer briefs – black or gray or navy blue. Because I’ve grown so inappropriately comfortable in this drab pattern, I suppose there was a bit of fear and uncertainty in my mind earlier this week when I stepped up to register nine at Target with a two-pack of horizontally striped Hanes boxer briefs.

(I’ll pause momentarily while you come to terms with the enormity of my daredevilishness.)

(…and we’re back.)

The first thing I noticed when I threw my package onto the conveyer belt was the way the cashier looked at me. (I was talking about my underwear, pervs.) When she saw what I was buying, she threw me “the sexy eyes.” At least I think that’s what they were. Maybe she was just constipated. Or maybe I just misread the directional gaze of her glass eye. Or maybe they weren’t sexy eyes at all and she was just mentally comparing my face against the page of headshots in the employee lounge, entitled “Wanted For Shoplifting!”

This morning when I got out of the shower and dried off, I slid my little tuchus into the new pair with light blue and grey stripes. When I finally had them on and had adjusted my junk into the full upright position, my son walked in. He looked at what I was wearing and suddenly his face contorted as though he had just bitten into an especially sour lemon.

“What are those?” he asked.

“What do they look like?” I asked defensively. “They’re a new pair of underwear.”

He stepped closer, squinting to see through his sleepy eyes.

“They look…weird.”

“You look weird. Leave my boxer briefs alone.”

“What’s that gray stripe around the top?” he asked.

“It’s the elastic, goober.”

That’s when my son reached out, stuck his right index finger just inside the elastic band, pulled it two inches away from my body, and then let go. SNAP!

And then he started to laugh.

Without thinking, I tackled him to the ground, gave him a little tickle under his armpits to engage his hands, and snapped his underwear right back. SNAP!

And so began a rowdy, 15-minute underwear snapping fight that left us both red around the waist and laughing so hard that my brand new striped boxer briefs nearly got christened with tinkle.

We stopped when my daughter walked into the room, hands on her hips, still dressed in her Cinderella pajamas with the light blue fuzz on the collar. She looked pissed and sleepy. Then she turned on her five-year-old, bossy, you-guys-are-totally-busted tone.

“You guys! You guys! I was trying to sleep and you woke me up and I’m not very happy about that. That was very, very rude.”

Stunned silence.

Then we tackled her and snapped the elastic band on her underwear.

Comments

Tee hee...glad to know there are other parents out there like us!

Oh I miss giving my son wedgies. He's 6'3 now. I don't think I can reach that high.

Adjusting your "junk" to the "full upright position," huh? Very interesting.......! And, thanks -- you've just inspired me to get rid of my granny underwear. I'm feeling daredevelish!

She should have known what was coming. It doesn't matter how old the men/boys are, if they like you they are going to snap your bra. Or in this case, underwear.

Too funny!

Huh. I always pictured you as a banana-hammock kind of guy.

Why do kids always walk in during package adjustment?

Wow. First the pecs, and now the underwear. Impressive bodily tour in just two posts.

BTW, when I scrolled down to comment, your ads just underneath the post were quite hilarious. Something about "Dating a cougar" and then "Finding single gay men" and in case you were REALLY up for some fun, "Asian women, black men."

Pretty risque blog you got goin on there. LOL

I was just thinking along the lines of Sarah..next comes mommy's bra strap.. Hot Wife will be snapping that's for sure!!

ha ha ha - nearly christened my own (very undaring) underwear reading that.

"....laughing so hard that my brand new striped boxer briefs nearly got christened with tinkle."

nearly had me tinkle in my pants

Hmm... but were you wearing them with the lovely tights in your Amazon box on the right?

Enquiring minds want to know!

What a cute story! I'd probably have tackled her before she had time to complain..just to be extra annoying!

If I may? I think they were sexy eyes.

This end of this blog made me smile wholesomely-job well done Evans!

Considering the direction your posts have been headed lately, I was disappointed when I clicked on the "tuchus" link.

Wikipedia? Are you serious? I had really prepared myself for a mooning! I can't believe you let me down like that.

Here I was going to make a 'bra strap' comment and be all original but I'm too late. Oh well. Still - a funny post. Your kids are gonna have fun reading your archives.

Leave it to men to make "changing color of underwear" a production - I LOVE IT, seems like something my husband would do. Actually, what I found most amusing it that you chose the word "tinkle", but still refered to your "junk" as "junk".

So funny!

I wonder if this might inspire my man to trade in his drab old rags for some new junk prettifying gaunch.

As for your daughter, she clearly needs Hot Wife to give her lessons in how to give an effective wedgie.

I'm familiar with "tush" but you'd never heard "ham hocks"?

I buy my husband new boxers for most holidays. I've given him Cat in the Hat, valentines and many other fun undies. But the days he works out he always wears the gray, blue or black. What's with that? I'd wear my fun ones to the locker room and save the boring for home.

Funny! My underwear consists of a waistband and two pieces of leg elastic.

*snap*

You are hilarious!!! I will return for more side splitting posts. Hope your daughter found the humor before it was over.

After I got past the thought of the "full and upright position," and just how wrong it was of you to put such smut into our minds out here, I decided that this was one of the most endearing posts I've ever read. Running around your house snapping each other's underwear? These are the moments everyone remembers.

"junk"

you're killing me.

And that's before I even got to "full and upright position"

Arranging one's junk to the full and upright position is an important part of the morning routine.

Much like that new-car smell, there is nothing quite like the feeling of wearing new boxer briefs for the first time.

Ha. Ha. You said tinkle.

Uh-oh, by your description, I am also boring and need to go buy some patterned boxer briefs to balance out my supply.

This does sound like a fun morning-- you can't take life too seriously!

My kids (13-yr-old boy, 4-yr-old girl) had such cute butts when they were little that I couldn't resist smacking them. You know, just a little pop on the behind. My son coined the term "smack-a-butt" to describe the little game we would play. He'd try to smack mine...I'd try to smack his. It's funny, because without any conversation this has evolved to a very occasional, fully clothed game that he and I still play. My daughter and I still play this game nearly naked after a bath or before dressing in the morning. I wonder when her subconscious modesty will kick in.

Glad to see the cut-up fun in other families as well! Way to go!

HisHineAss is always giving me shit about my "granny panties", but those strings up my tuchus? Eh, not for me. I tell him, Take it or leave it...He takes it ;-0

Most of mine are Hanes boxer briefs but Mrs. Joe bought me a 3-pack from The Gap last year.

One pair has charcoal grills and cooks aprons with "dad" written on them.

How masculine!

You are the most consistently funny blogging guy I've found out there. I need to come back more often! Love it.

Seriously silly! ;-)

Okay, so I admit that this might be just a tad bit silly, but your blog has become one of my new funny favorites, and I've got a little something for you over on my blog. Care to accept?

You should have taken a picture of your self with the new underwear on, and posted it on here, you know... we are all dying to see what that would look like!

Funny, my man has also just switched from the dull, drab black & gray boxer briefs to some stripey ones.
There are so many times your life parallels mine, it's scary.

I am still into the grays and blacks. Maybe I should branch out.

There is nothing sexier than a man wearing crisp white boxer shorts.

White...keyword WHITE. WHen they become un-white on the back then the sexy stops.

Striped boxer briefs, brave!

Striped boxer briefs, brave!

Nothing like a little panty snap to brighten your day.

woah. you are SO totally wild.

I got my husband a few pairs of the boxer briefs. They are cute, but this one pair has a slight defect. Of the six pair I bought, only one has been unable to "contain" said package. I laugh uncontrollably any time he puts them on. The brief looks normal, but when worn, apparently the front door wasn't sewn correctly. Very funny!!!

Good thing you didn't buy red, the devil's underpants.

Um, this was maybe one of the funniest posts I've ever read. Congrats. You made me almost christen my pants.

Oh my goodness, that is hilarious, and I can picture it so well. Let's go with the cashier giving you sexy eyes, yeah, that sounds good.

Yes, but will the stripey boxer briefs still be able to conceal the occasional skid mark? That will be the true test. I'm convinced that's why boxer brief manufacturers only make those darker colors anyway....for men with wiping issues.

The last time I stormed into a room to tell people they should quiet down because I was trying to sleep, I had hate notes left on the door to my dorm room for a week. Apparently, they didn't think I was being cute. If only I'd had the Cinderella pajamas.

Very funny story indeed:) This is a big change for you;)