A few years ago I bought one of those bitchen-ass clock radios that automatically sets itself to the local time when it’s plugged in. From a macro point of view, the thing is an unmitigated lemon (I’m dubious of the suggestion that Los Angeles and Helsinki share the same local time), but the radio works reasonably well and I’m a simple man with simple needs.

On nights when the silence is so loud that it keeps me awake, I turn on the radio, which is set to one of the six bajillion news-talk stations in LA. But since all of the talking heads exert so much energy while they rant on and on about the political clusterfuck of the moment, they get tired early and the station has to fill the overnight hours with nationally syndicated weirdos.

In the case of this particular station, the period between 10 p.m. and 4 a.m. features a show dedicated to the supernatural. Here is a top-of-mind list of topics discussed (with great seriousness) during recent episodes:

• Big Foot
• UFOs
• Ghosts
• Predictions of future catastrophes
• Alien ass rape (note to self: potential punk band name)
• The end of the world

During the first segment of the program, the host runs down a list of abnormal, otherworldly tidbits in the news. That’s his definition anyway. It sounds to me like a crazy man on the radio trying to scare people into believing a legion of aliens from the planet Goobertron, each of whom looks exactly like Bea Arthur, is on its way to Earth and its mission is to insert into each adult an anal probe with a gauge approximating that of an underground sewer pipe.

Last night, the host offered an update on a story he’s been sensationalizing for weeks. According to his sources, a rogue collection of nuclear physicists will gather today in Switzerland to conduct an experiment they believe will shed light on the existence of “sub-atomic particles” (which they could have done far less expensively if they’d just come over to my house with a six-pack and asked me to pull down my pants).

This radio dude seems to believe the experiment is so dangerous that one wrong move could rip open a black hole right there in Switzerland – a giant sucking portal into which earth and all its inhabitants will be swallowed like a big spoonful of Jello. I vacillate between thinking this prospect is scary as hell or the coolest thing since Jar-Jar Binks.

Anyway, if the experiment does go awry and this is the last time we all get to talk to each other, I just want all of you to know one thing:

I’m not wearing any underwear.

Comments

That radio dude is scientifically illiterate.

That's not a shameful condition in and of itself, but showcasing that illiteracy definitely *is* shameful.

Aggressive ignorance...if we could somehow turn it into energy, this country would never need to import another drop of oil from anywhere.

CERN's Large Hadron Collider will not--I repeat, will *not*--destroy the world, or open portals to dimensions with bloodthirsty Islamist dragons who don't love Jesus. You may safely continue saving for retirement.

But maybe, just maybe, the black hole will open up and swallow all the Bea Arthur aliens, and the scientists would be heroes for saving us from her dick. Right?

Is that Art Bell's old show? I used to love that one. It was perfect for my midnight commute when I worked the swing shift at a hotel in San Diego. I don't need to hear about actual news that late at night. Just tell me the invisible caterpillars are infesting my psychic-self and I'm a happy clam.

COMMANDO? That could be filed under TMI.

My dad spent his career working for NASA. And he believes in all sorts of weird shit. So what does that tell us? That "they" are out there and NASA knows it? Or that we have some effing crazy folks working for NASA? I vote for the latter ... but that's cuz I lived with him for 17 years!!

now that I know you go commando, I'm ready for the bea-arthur, drainpipe-anal-probing-alien sucking black hole to take us all. The last piece of accumulated wisdom has fallen into place and humanity's role in the universe is fulfilled. The mice are finished with us.

Do you happen to wear size 42?

Switzerland. Black hole. You commando. Is there a subliminal sexual cheese joke here?

But, but... I thought all real men wanted their boys tucked in and comfy?
I say it makes for sweaty balls, go commando or wear boxers for a little breathing room.

You had me at Jello.

George Noory on Coast to Coast is the only way I can go to sleep. Weird huh?

The words "No underwear" and "Bea Arthur" in the same breath...

cool

I will be able to rest in peace now. Thanks.

No underwear? I must advise to be careful when farting to only discharge the ones that appear to be pushing at the gates.

Otherwise, Hot Wife is going to have to wash whatever you are wearing for pants (assuming you are wearing any at all, for that matter) twice.

My life is THAT MUCH MORE fulfilled knowing you're not wearing any underwear going into this black hole phenomenon!!!

Too funny!!

Underwear is the only protection.

Would you believe I read that on CNN.com maybe a month or so ago?
No?
Would you believe I am not wearing any underwear either?
Then we're even.

Thanks for the visuals, Danny.....do they make brain bleach???

Aliens that look like Bea Arthur? Great...just great. Another thing to worry about.

I love those shows. And just for the record, I'M wearing CLEAN underwear. Just like my mother always told me to.

Funny...I was thinking the entire time I read this that you must have been listening to Coast to Coast...that's the first thing that popped into my head. Have you heard the Area 51 call? Or the Sounds From Hell? Pretty funny stuff. In any event, I'm still wearing underwear.

I've been watching the CERN project with some interest, and even heard that daft tale of black holes and the like opening up beneath it last year. I'd be more concerned with the sudden shift of magnetic poles, considering the magnitude (hah!) of the magnets they're using in the thing (no, not really - I like horrible puns and quack science, though) - but mostly I think it's insanely cool that they will be flinging particles at each other with unfathomable force in the hopes of finding THINGS when said particles clash. If they find my sanity, they can keep it.

I so want to be a physicist...if only there wasn't all that math....

Speaking of black holes - you may rest easy knowing that my capacious bottom is well swathed in cotton as I type, and will remain that way until further notice or I need to do laundry.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

Alien Ass Rape: GREAT SUGGESTION for a band name. Now i know what to call my Celto-funk-death-metal-bagpipe brigade! Danny, will I owe you royalties? And do you by any chance play a tuba? We need someone for the rhythm section.

Well, you've got to wonder. The folks at CERN are essentially looking to fling particles at one another in the hopes of understanding how the whole Big Bang worked. There's this ginormous circular particle accelerator that is about 100 meters long, they're going to fling particles in opposite directions so they pick up speed with every lap and eventually their paths will cross and they will collide. They're kinda sorta trying to recreate the conditions *just* after the Big Bang, ya know, when shit goes kaboom and out pops a universe. Its pretty badass and scary all at once.

Are you seriously trying to make it easier for the Bea Arthur ass raping aliens to access your rear entrance by not wearing any underwear? Dude, seriously, keep the underwear on, its extra protection.

Please please PLEASE tell me that this was Art Bell you happened to run into, if only for the reason that I then know there's only one guy like this on the radio and not multiples.

Yes, I've heard of him but only because a good friend of mine ummmm tapes them every night so she can listen to them during the day. And when I mean tape, I mean audio tape like what I used to do growing up when I wanted to get "Delirious" on tape without the dj talking over the intro.

I used to listen to Coast to Coast while delivering pizza late at night. It kept me occupied enough not to drive head on into a bridge embutment every time the hicks in the trailer park gave me a 53 cent tip.

Dang! Is Art Bell still on the friggin radio? The dude is a certifiable freak, but his shows are still interesting to listen to once you get past the, "So you say you saw two homosexual ghosts plugging away on the third floor of the Hampton Inn you were staying at on Halloween night?" incredulity.

FYI - Now that it's summer, I bought a pair of "sleep shorts," which I'm sure are nothing more than slighly poofier boxers, but which do a wonderful job of letting "the boys" breathe. Though I have often pondered why I care since I don't want anymore kids and since I'm pretty sure CareerMom doesn't either based on her phone call to my office the other morning:

"bbbbrrriiinnngggg"
Me: Good Morning, this is Chris
CareerMom: (giddily) Hey, just wanted to tell you that I finally started. I was getting worried there for a while."

Need I say more?

I'm pretty new at this blogging business. Here's what I don't understand. How do you write a blog where you mention alien ass rape IN PASSING? I'm thinking there's gotta be some blogging rule somewhere where alien ass rape gets its own post as the main topic. This might be just me.

Yeah, I sang backup in a band called Alien Ass Rape in college.

I had a roommate once that had a bumper sticker that read, "Bea Arthur, Be Naked, Be Mine" with a picture of the actresses face on it. He also had a tshirt with Bea's face superimposed on a pornstars naked upper half. (Again, "Bea Naked") I hope he never gets his eyes on this blog, or his mind might implode.

Conrats on your recent achievments!

Uhm...I thought that the absence of undergarments was required for bloggers. Is it not? Because if not, then you and I might possibly be the only two bloggers sans panties. Although I doubt it.

Grrrrreat, Danny. Now I'll be walking around the rest of my day with that image stuck in my brain. Thanks so much!!

I once thought that it would be Greys or Reptilian Humanoids that would violate me, much less Bea Arthur. But I guess it makes sense, given the statistical rise in octogenarian offenders.

And now, with the bit of information, one can only hope a black hole swallows us all.

interesting. i'm not wearing any either :)

I always thought that Bea Arthur might be a man. She kind of had a deep voice and I could always picture her pulling a Ray Finkle (from Ace Ventura).

I almost don't know which thing to comment on... I have not heard of this CERN thing before right now, but I'm gonna go Google it in a sec. Cool and super scary all at once.
I DO like the name Alien Ass Rape for a band. Maybe their lead singer could call himself Mork.
And Commando rocks.

While, Alien Ass Rape WOULD be a good name for a band, inevitably it would end up being abbreviated to AAR, which is already taken by The All-American Rejects.

Can you tell I've put some serious thought into this?

Fantastic close to the post, just fantastic (slow, polite-but-awed clap).

I've been wondering about this potential black hole, and how odd yet appropriate it would be for all life on Earth to be sucked back into nothingness in a millisecond, with no time for goodbyes (yours excepted) or anything. Just driving home the basic pointlessness of existence (not in a dark way, or anything).

Try it-- just close your eyes all of a sudden in the middle of what you're doing, like it's the last thing you ever see, hear, or feel. It's a crazy feeling, like a splash of freezing cold water in the face.

LiteralDan, I see how you get you name.

Crack up!

Max is home sick AGAIN today. He just told me that the times that there are the most reported alien sightings is during the time when Venus's orbit brings it closest to the earth. So, most aliens are probably from Venus.

That station should hire him. Goober.

go here: http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/1382 and vote for Dad Gone Mad for hottest blog, best blog of all time.

Jar-Jar Binks looks like Alf.

I don't know why I felt the need to share this, but it had me cracking up so hard I had to share it with someone! And who better, then a man with no pants and a penchant for Maude?

Our local NBC station, KARE 11 news, had this listed on their website today, as one of the top headlines:

"Naked maid + stolen jewelry x angry wife = divorced husband"

While his wife was out of town caring for her ill mother, the husband hired a naked maid to clean the house. The naked maid then stole the wife’s $40,000 in jewelry. My favorite line of the story:

“It's unclear how she stole the loot, with no clothes to hide it in.”

And the story gets even better. KARE 11 then showed a video of the wife, in shadows. Her comments, in her southern drawl, were that she had to clean the whole house in bleach because a naked woman had been in her house. She then said, “I’m going to divorce him. I can’t trust him. There’s a stain on my heart that even bleach can’t erase.”

Okay, if that isn’t a country song in the making, I don’t know what is.

Seriously. THAT is what our local NBC station chose to air as a headliner tonight.

There is a reason I get my news from Jon Stewart.

"CERN's Large Hadron Collider" I don't know why, but I always read that as CERN"s Large Hardon Collider! heehee

Silver haired Bea Arthur-Golden Girls
Austin Powers-Gold Member{unrelated,or simply not researched...}
Bea Arthur,alien ass rape,with a huge golden penis?
Interesting...very interesting...

If it's any consolation, I'm not wearing YOUR underwear either!!