One of the moms on my son’s baseball team has enormous breasts. This is not to say that she possesses no other endearing qualities (she happens to be a lovely, friendly, beautiful person), but sometimes it’s hard for me to focus on those characteristics because my levels of tact and maturity are on par with a dung beetle. Also, since her jugs owe their size to motherhood (as opposed to surgical enhancement) I believe in my heart that the team mom could probably pop out one of her boobs and smash an empty beer can with it.
Although our league does not designate a specific “uniform” for the team mom, I feel certain that there are garments more appropriate for someone in the presence of 11 seven-year-olds than loose-fitting cotton tank tops that offer the boys a glimpse at her “special mommy pimples.”
Nevertheless, we survived the season with nary a nip slip. But at our team party this Saturday we came ever so close to one, and that provided a tailor-made opportunity to behave like an asshole. Surprise!
One of the team’s other assistant coaches, Tom, has an extraordinary backyard – a pool, a covered seating area and a large batting cage/net. While the boys swam and wielded aluminum bats against one another, the parents sat under the shade and voraciously devoured margaritas as though they were Aquafina. By 3 p.m., many of us were good and buzzed. I was sitting with Hot Wife and my buddy Trevor, talking about who-knows-what, when I glanced to my left and saw the top two-thirds of the mom’s right breast peering out of her low-cut tank top.
How could she not know? How can someone have a titty hanging out without her knowledge? If I were talking to someone and my entire scrotum inadvertently slipped out of my shorts to say hello, I’d know.
Given my drunken stupor, I had a hard time believing what I was seeing. I pretended to be listening to Hot Wife and Trevor, but I craned my neck back to the right every 20 seconds or so to see if she’d become aware that her boob was trying to go walkabout – but it was getting worse!
At some point, someone came by with a pitcher and refilled my margarita glass, then sat down directly across from me. I don’t remember it happening, but it did.
I took a sip and then turned to Hot Wife and Trevor.
“Dude,” I said, “someone needs to go tell that woman to tuck-in her tit. There’s about to be a jailbreak over there.”
I looked at my wife. I looked at Trevor. Nothing. Blank stares. No laughs. No nods of agreement.
Trevor motioned to his left.
“Oh,” I said.
That dude? Who came around with the margaritas? And sat down right across from me?
That was her husband.
Ooohhhhh. So, how's your face doing?
'tuck in her tit'
I love all those words.
That is simply classic.
oh my. Margaritas are delicious but dangerous.
At least you didn't lick it, I guess.
Someone needs to ass kick Jailbreak, Nip Slip Woman's Husband for not telling her to tuck in her tit.....I get mad at my husband if he lets me walk around with a piece of spinach in my teeth.
Bah. He was probably giggling like the teenager I still am inside.
Boobies!
That kind of stuff happens to me all the time. You are not alone in your social awkwardness. I eat a lot of foot.
Smooth.
I did that once.
I commented to my friend in high school "look at that big, fat guy standing by your locker", she looked at me stone faced and said "that's my brother".
Ouch.
Did you at least recover well, or did you ditch the margarita and save face by going home?
Open mouth, insert foot
Close mouth, chew vigorously.
She had to know and so did he...
I do remember one time in a margarita-induced stupor telling some girl that the dude she was with needed to put his package away. (It did slip out and he was too drunk to notice that he didn't button up after using the rest room). It was her brother...
Oh, she knew and so did he. She's just one of those attention whores who can't feel good about herself unless a bunch of guys, including young boys, are staring at her, and he gets off on it. Then they talk about how they just can't understand why everyone was staring at her on the ride home, and then they have hot sex. Not that I would know anything about this, of course (hehehe).
I can't believe Hot Wife didn't significantly shorten your life expectancy.
I think you owe the guy a free look at Hot Wife's Girlfriends. Four seconds. No touchy. No drooly. Free post-oogle comments.
But wait! That's OUR team mom! Don't tell me she signed up for teams all over S. Cal just so she can show em' off? Cuz man, I can't believe the halter tops and stuff she wears ... I thought most of us gave those up after middle school!? BTW, I was a size D in 6th grade, trust me ... I know when I'm getting a little too much fresh air. Any woman does. Margaritas or not!
Many years ago, a friend of mine turned to me while we were at a bar and asked me what I thought about a woman sitting at the next table. I told him that I thought she looked like the illegitimate love child of Minnie Driver, Minnie Pearl, and Minnie Mouse.
Naturally, he ended up marrying the woman.
I've since learned to keep opinions to myself unless solely surrounded by trusted loved ones.
Oh man... that is good stuff. I remember one time in high school one of my guy friends was dating this girl that none of us liked. Well one Sat. I decided to go to the mall to visit another friend who worked at the GAP. So I am standing there talking to him, when I spot the said "unliked girlfriend" walk in the store. She was pretty far away, so I felt very confident when I told my friend she was a real bitch. All of a sudden this woman taps me on the shoulder and shouts, "Did you just call my daughter a bitch?!?!" Yep, it was her mom and I denied, denied, denied. That was really mortifying!! My friends still tease me to this day!
Aw, come on! Tell us how you covered your ass in your inebriated state!
I just woke my wife up laughing at : "special mommy pimples."
sooooooo DID HE HEAR YOU???? I hAVE TO KNOWWW
c'mom do telll .......lol........lmao
LMAO!! So what happened next? Don't leave us hanging (no pun intended)!
Yeah, I have a pretty serious case of foot-in-mouth disease.
So far, it's incurable.
The future doesn't look so good either.
Nah, that guy wouldn't have kicked your ass. If anything he's proud of it. Women like that don't just let their funbags hang out for no reason. I'm sure she gets off on the attention and he gets to brag to all of his friends (and probably perfect strangers) about how great his wife's tits are. And since your comment was pretty much complimentary, I say no harm no foul.
As opposed to the time when I was drunk at a party, spotted my ex-girlfriend and started talking shit about her to my friends. Only I didn't realize her new boyfriend was there as well. So until you've casually told an ex's new boyfriend that sex with his girlfriend is like fucking a warm bucket of water, not to mention the fact that her nether regions look like she has Jimi Hendrix in a headlock, you haven't truly put your foot in your mouth.
Duuuuude. She knew what she was doing.
My husband, Candy Ass, and I were at Costco this weekend (woo-hoo, right?) and there was this 20-something-year-old with very much so ENHANCED tatas, hanging out of her low cut shirt while she shopped with her 400 lb mother. At one point my husband told me to stop staring at them. THEM. But I refused. I mean, that's why she bought them, right? For the attention? In her case... it had to be for the attention.
Shouldn't the husband have been on titty patrol? I mean, if my wife's boob is falling out I think I'd be one of the first to know.
And after seeing your prom picture in the previous post, I don't believe for a second that this was the closest you've come to getting your ass kicked since the THIRD grade. I'm sure there were a few times in high school. ;)
Love it...a nip here or there, I'd be surprised if he didn't high five you. That's what my darling husband would have done.
My husband would PAY you to follow me around, reminding me to tuck the cousins in as needed. It would save him a ton of stress since it seems to bother way more than it does me when things fall out of place. You did the guy a favor.
Too funny!
I can answer the question as to why she wouldn't know it was hanging out. It happened to me while working in the yard, but thankfully no one was around to see. Perhaps the voracious sucking of over 2 years of breastfeeding back to back permanently damaged the nerves in my nipples because I have almost zero feeling in them. My nipple was hanging out of my swimsuit top and I had no idea...couldn't feel the wind on it or anything. Just like I don't really feel my elbow in the breeze? Same thing with the nips.
That's always the worst feeling! I was at a bar once and a mutual friend was asking me what I thought about this girl because he was thinking about hitting on her, and I said, "I don't know, she kind of looks like she's trying too hard with the low cut shirt and tons of makeup". Then he said, "I was just messing with you earlier - that's actually my girlfriend." Ugh.
Man this article made me laugh out loud! This was truly funny, and sad in the same way because these moms just PISS ME OFF! and i'm not even one of the fat moms, but it's just rude that these women will come completely inappropriately dressed. We have mom's coming in heels to the park as well as showing off their boobs!
Whatever! He should be keeping track of those things.
Yeah I can't see him kicking your ass-- either you were doing him a favor or he knew all about it, as has already been suggested. Either way, you didn't say anything offensive.
You've gotta do a follow-up post with the aftermath. You just gotta.
Oh....don't leave us hanging. What happened next?
Classic. Absolutely classic.
At least he didn't break your hands. You don't need your good looks to write this blog. ;)
"There's about to be a jail break." I've never heard that, but I think it's my new favorite phrase.
This was one of my biggest fears when nursing... I got so used to being exposed and had lost all sensation within 6 months, I was constantly checking to make sure I hadnt forgotten to "tuck em in". I would have dreams where I left the house without my shirt on and didnt even notice! Of course after a few margaritas I really wouldnt care anyway...
A true LDM (Larry David Moment)!!!
At worst, making that comment would get you punched. But going and posting the story on the Web? At BEST, it will result in a restraining order -- by the woman and/or the league. You dipshit.
In fact, if either the woman or the league wishes to contact me, I'll represent them pro bono.
BG
Maybe she suffers from a rare skin condition - Mammarian Oxygenated Rhomboid Encephalitis Thyroidal Immune Tissue Syndrome.
I think if we had an increased number of women with Mammarian Oxygenated Rhomboid Encephalitis Thyroidal Immune Tissue Syndrome, there might be raised awareness of the problem, and therefore more sympathy. I know that I don't personally blame women with Mammarian Oxygenated Rhomboid Encephalitis Thyroidal Immune Tissue Syndrome for their condition; in fact, I find that women with Mammarian Oxygenated Rhomboid Encephalitis Thyroidal Immune Tissue Syndrome are more pleasing to look at.
Our society should place more emphasis on the study of Mammarian Oxygenated Rhomboid Encephalitis Thyroidal Immune Tissue Syndrome and I for one volunteer. What can I say? Mammarian Oxygenated Rhomboid Encephalitis Thyroidal Immune Tissue Syndrome has a special place in my heart. Simply put, I'm just a big sucker for Mammarian Oxygenated Rhomboid Encephalitis Thyroidal Immune Tissue Syndrome.
I think Mammarian Oxygenated Rhomboid Encephalitis Thyroidal Immune Tissue Syndrome, or some acronym for it, would fit well on a bumper sticker.
Oh hilarious! There are actually several worse things you could have said about her peeping nip in front of her husband, though, so you got off lucky.
I am suddenly reminded of the speed-dating scene in "40-Year-Old Virgin." AWKward?
Oops.
Jesus Christ at least you said something! Way back in college I was in a friend's dorm room and this guy was sitting on top of his loft bed and everyone was just hanging out talking. I'm standing about 1 foot away from him and I look over and see the guy's junk completely hanging out of his shorts, (obviously listening to the conversation too) So here I am, eye level with his thing, for about half an hour and I never said a thing. Anyway, I agree with everyone else who said that the woman and her husband probably knew the entire time and were probably enjoying it too. Ha! Too funny.
Hot Wife is a saint for letting you live after that one. And dude, big boobs are a helluvab*tch to deal with, especially if you're on a budget and can't afford tailor-made clothes--nothing in normal sizes fits (and I know whereof I speak). So, give the poor woman a break ... :-)
But how do you KNOW you'd know? Maybe it happens to you all the time, but you don't notice it. In which case you'd THINK you'd know, and you wouldn't know that you don't actually know. Get it? ;)
Also, as a woman, let me just say those tit jailbreaks can sometimes sneak up on you. Damn women's fashion.
Freaking hilarious. Did he say anything to you? I mean, really it was her fault for letting her boob hang out. Seriously. Not the worst thing you could've said...
Wow! RTE (random tit exposure) and Margaritas. Whatta party. Sure beats the year that my daughter's softball coach returned from the offseason and wanted to be know as Kim instead of Kevin. Try explaining that to a bunch of eleven year olds. Apparently the cost of electrolysis is quite prohibitive. Not to mention the final surgery! OUCH! Talk about switching teams.
Oh my holy hell! Wow! You can't leave us hangin'. WHAT DID HE SAY!!??
Smooth. Ranks up with something my husband would say.
I can think of a few things you could have said that would have been much, much worse.
Please give us some follow-up! Why did you remove and then replace this post?! What happened?! Are you still the same distance from getting your ass kicked as before, or closer?!
What kind of husband would let their wife hang out like that? Sounds like you said what everyone else was thinking!
What kind of husband would let their wife hang out like that? Sounds like you said what everyone else was thinking!
What kind of husband would let their wife hang out like that? Sounds like you said what everyone else was thinking!