1. Sometimes you’ll be sitting with your family at the dinner table, listening to the kids talk about their day at summer camp, and you suddenly zone out. You’ll still be looking at the kids, but you’re mind will drift back to that one section you wrote the day before yesterday, and in that moment you’ll finally figure out what the hell you were trying to convey with that story about that whore in Vegas with the third nipple. Then suddenly – boom! – you’re back at the dinner table in time to hear your child explain the concept of a “swim buddy.”
2. You become more familiar with the traffic patterns at Starbucks than you’d care to be. For instance, you’ll know that the hours between 6 and 8 a.m. are dominated by the businesspeople stopping in on their way to the office. Then come the stay-at-home moms fresh from dropping the kids at school and the physically fit people who’ve just finished their workout at the gym across the street. And so on.
3. You write things that seem to make perfect sense when you started them and then realize when you’ve finished that they are neither germane to the story nor clearly intelligible nor particularly well crafted. And suddenly you’ll be sitting in front of two hours worth of work and facing the very real prospect that you’ll have to delete it, and somehow that just hurts you to your core. You’d rather chew your own leg off than waste all of that effort. Then, to distract yourself from the pain, you write a story about actually chewing your leg off. And it’s AWESOME!
4. You spend a full week feeling lost and aimless about the direction of the story, and before long you start to believe you’re doomed and that you’ll never be published. You have no idea what to do next. Then just as you’re about to drag the whole fucking Word document into the trash can on your desktop, an email arrives. It’s from your editor, and it includes equal measures of praise and KILLER creative direction. Then just like that, you have a purpose again. You’re motivated. And you know exactly what to do. As a byproduct of this newfound energy, you neglect your blog for three days.
5. So as not to burn out, you’ll challenge every DGM reader and his/her mother to a Scrabblicious smackdown on Facebook – while failing to recall that you absolutely SUCK at Scrabble. Within a span of 24 hours, your virtual pants are yanked down to your ankles and your white ass is spanked raw by all of the people to whom you were cocky-talking. And suddenly deleting two hours worth of work doesn’t seem so painful.
6. When you finally pull your nose away from the laptop long enough to breathe, you’ll be shocked to find that your alma mater is ONE WIN AWAY from a national championship.
7. Once in a while you’ll find yourself writing about something silly and harmless – like the time you learned how to throw a fruit cup – and you will be struck out of the blue by the realization that this one brief, seemingly innocuous moment 20 years ago is a microcosm of your entire life. It’s as if your cupped hand represents you and the fart inside your hand represents love and the poor motherfucker under whose nose you unleash the gaseous air represents your friends and family. Wow. Throwing a fruit cup is a metaphor for spreading love to those closest to you. You sit there tripping on this concept for a while, taking stock of your entire life, and then reality strikes you. “Shit!” you say to yourself. “Forgot to take my meds this morning.”
8. You delete the fruit cup story before someone accidentally sees it and thinks you need to be institutionalized.
I have found my evil twin. Who knew there was someone out there leading a parallel life to mine? I'm not writing a book (yet) but I am a pro at throwing fruit cups.
I wish I could blame the weird shit my mind thinks up on missing my meds.
Except I'm not on any meds.
I'm just weird.
My favorite is when people come into Starbucks still red faced from their workout and order a grande frap with whip.
"Within a span of 24 hours, your virtual pants are yanked down to your ankles and your white ass is spanked raw by all of the people to whom you were cocky-talking. And suddenly deleting two hours worth of work doesn’t seem so painful."
Happy to help! It was fun. Let me know if you want to do it again...
I wish I had meds....
Um...yeah...Number 7? You're not supposed to smoke the Starbucks.
sounds like you're having the time of your life to me! and you're not even having to dirty dance.
Gosh. Number three is so me!
I'm waiting for the story about actually chewing your own leg off....
I can totally relate to #2! I spend the better part of Saturday mornings writing a marathon of blog posts and freelance articles. I'm always amused by the crowd that comes in at various times of the day. The physically fit crowd really annoys me - "I'd like a caramel macchiato with a chocolate chip muffin top." And she weighs about 98 pounds. I just look at a muffin top through the case and I gain five pounds!
Ha ha ha ha....Just read the blog about the fruit cup. Did he also teach you the always attractive, always funny, fruit bowl?
I have to admit, I'm jealous as hell at what you're experiencing right now. Mainly because it's exactly what I want to be doing, instead of slaving away in the dying newspaper industry. But good luck and I hope to read more about the process that leads to this eventual New York Times bestseller.
And by the way, to curb my jealousy that you get to write a book I simply think back to last week's 39-point ASS WHOOPING my Celtics put on the lowly Lakers. Ahhhh...I feel better already.
um...where do i sign up for a life like yours? because sitting on my ass at starbucks and playing scramble on facebook all day and writing about fruitcups? sounds a little bit, um, awesome.
AND, you know that simi high won the championship game at dodger stadium don't you?!?!?!??!?!?
Danny, I can think of some weird things that happen when I'm reading your blog..
And fruit cups? I always thought Del Monte meant "from the ass", but it was more of a personal distaste. You've solidified my arguement.
You should read Bird By Bird by Anne Lammott. It's awesome. It's all about the freak out writers go through and how to be courageous against self doubt.
Another thing...when are you going to get some more Dad Gone Mad T-shirts? For chrissakes, you could hand weave some while your sipping your mocha frou-frou.
Wow. When I first read "throw a fruit cup" my first thought was, one of those plastic ones, or the small metal cans with the pull tab...because the metal ones would hurt. Then I read the blog entry and I am just. astounded.
Glad to hear the book is going well for you (sounds like your editor is the shiznit).
My brother taught my son at 18 months throw a fruit cup (or Buttercup as its known in my family). He has been the master fart-cupper for 3 years running. Nothing nastier then your own kid shoving stink up your nose. When my brother has kids I am SO going to mess them up!
Some of this sounds eerily familiar....am I writing a book?!?
If you're ever in need of an easy win, challenge me to Scrabulous. I'm 1-1, but that one win came against my sister, and to keep what little pride I have left, I had to cheat to win...
-Kyle
Not only have I added you to the Life 2.0 blogroll, but I simply must quote #3...
How do we find you on facebook?
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=605650265
I had to read the fruit cup thing a couple of times before letting the grossiocity sink in. But the Starbucks... yes the sheep come in their logical order all morning long. We can't forget the Momzillas that come in with their double-wide joggers to take over the place now that they've given the sidewalks back to pedestrians. Those girls are my favorites.
Congrats to Fresno State! I'm a Georgia Tech fan, so I'm just thrilled that U-GAg lost...
Love the blog... keep 'em comin'
Why are there only 8????
Is fruit cup throwing an Olympic event this year?
Point number 8 - Man, were you on something when you wrote that? Coming down off it, perhaps?
Congrats on Fresno St. Whodathunkit?
Way to go FRESNO! When I saw that they had won the title, I said "Wow, Danny'll be happy today"...my husband said "who the (&*@% is Danny and WHAT are you doing to make him happy?" Good morning to you, too, sweetheart!
Thanks for remembering your blog... I was starting to wonder if you got so sucked into Facebook that you would never come back to us!
Congrats on your alma mater. The hero of the game went to my wife's HS.
Don't you love it when the story you're convinced is going to win you a national magazine award completely unravels when you go back to the beginning and realize at the end you were talking about something entirely different then you began with? Kinda like this comment?
I EMPATHIZE.
Mm, yes, I remember the time I feverishly wrote an essay called "How Salmonella Changed My Life - Who needs Obama when you've got food poisoning?" and sent it off to an editor I'd met the night before. She never wrote me back. Now I have a 24-hour rule. Because that genius I thought I possessed? It was all a sick delusion, kind of like the flu.