As much as I want to think of myself as a mover and shaker, the simple fact is I’m little more than a sporadic twitcher. I don’t hire or fire people. My decisions have no effect on the stock market or the GNP. The last time anything moved or shook in my own damn house was the other night when Hot Wife tried to badger me into demonstrating the Cabbage Patch for her.

To show you how small and mundane my life is, the FedEx man dropped off a package for me last week and I nearly soiled myself. I never get packages (unless my mother has purchased me another gift from QVC) (and really, ma, how many faux buckskin scrote warmers can one man have?). I carried the parcel inside and tore it open, hoping that perhaps whatever was inside the plain beige wrapper would infect me with coolness or wealth or an enlarged Johnson.

Alas, no. It was a book. There was a mounted deer head on the cover. Check please!

I opened the front cover of the book to find a hand-written note from my editor. It said the book was sent to her by another editor – a woman named Rebecca who reads Dad Gone Mad and thought I’d appreciate the book, which she edited. I was touched by her thoughtfulness and, to be completely “open kimono” about it, the notion that someone in the literary community knew who I was gave me a strong tingling sensation in my man parts.

I decided to sit down and read the book right then and there, despite the fact that I’d never heard of the book or its author. To my glorious surprise, I laughed my ass off.

Have You No Shame? (And Other Regrettable Stories) by Rachel Shukert revealed itself to be one of those books that contains absolutely everything I look for:

• Swearing, sometimes in CAPS
• Self-deprecating Jew jokes
• Self-deprecating mental illness jokes (specifically, anorexia)
• Sex
• Self-deprecating jokes about living in Nebraska

Because Rachel and I are fellow Members of the Tribe, and because she’s a contributor to one of my favorite magazines, and because I like her book, and because I like to share good things with you guys, and because I really wanted to tell the story about the FedEx package, and because I think “scrote warmers” is another potential punk band name, I’m recommending adding Have You No Shame? (And Other Regrettable Stories) to the DGM required reading list. Rachel also has a blog that you might wish to check out.

P.S. – Did anyone happen to pick up the last book I recommended? If so, did you like it?

Comments

First, scrote warmers!
Seriously, I'll check the book out, Danny.

I enjoyed Stiff & found it not only entertaining, but a great way to repel strangers who feel the need to engage me in conversation just because we're sitting next to each other on a plane. So yeah, I enjoyed Stiff ...
... but I *adore* Bonk. I laughed out loud, shook quietly in coffee shops, and was significantly bummed when I realized I was nearly done with the read. I couldn't bring myself to part with it, so I bought an additional copy when a friend asked me to share (and besides, Mary lives locally so I gotta support her).

That is so funny that you are talking about that book. Just found it strolling around the bookstore the other night and picked it up. I'm in Omaha and thought it looked good and was going to support a local girl. Now I can't wait.

And can we get some video of you doing the cabbage patch?

Hey Danny, for some reason Bonk didn't "speak" to me. I mean, sex is always on my mind but for some reason I found the jokes and/or writing ... trite. It just didn't resonate with me. I can't really explain why but I am more than a little disappointed. My father recommended it before you had (kinda weird, right?) and I do find all books about sex (and by "books" I also mean pretty magazines with pretty pictures and pretty websites with moving objects and the like) fascinating and um, stimulating both intellectually and physiologically. However, I prefer Stiff 2,478 times more and maybe because when it comes to a "legit" hard bound book, I'd prefer it about dead people. And when it comes to magazines and websites, I prefer it about sex. .... "and thank you for sharing LilSass" ....

Read Bonk, loved it, love her, pimped it to a customer at the bookstore last night, who was all "Oh!" in that prudish, pioneer way when I mentioned it was about (whisper) sex (whisper). I look forward to reading this new suggestion.

Great rec! Rachel is a rock star and more hilarious than a box of scrotum warmers, which IS kind of funny. (Will that description go on her next book? I hope so.) She had a great essay in Babble not too long ago and I've been a fan ever since.

No, but I DID watch the Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and I loved it. I'll have to check out your book recommendations, though I bet I will like them for different reasons than the movie!

Not to jump subjects.... but did you cry again watching the Lakers & Celtics?

I haven't picked up BONK yet. I went to Borders and they had it in hardcover...I can wait :)
I did buy a copy of Candy Girl and if I EVER finish reading Barak Obama's 2nd book The Ausacity of Hope (Dreams From My Father was a MUCH better read!) Diablo Cody is next on my list.

this one looks good too! can't wait to check it out.
Thanks :)

I'm still on my first book by Jewish authors.

I'm up to the point where this woman found some basket down by the river. Can't wait to find out what was in it.

Just thought I would share my input on the reading recommendations: Mary Roach is hilarious and I have enjoyed both Stiff and Bonk way before I found on here that you recommended both. (The fact that we have the same taste in reading material indicates to me that your own personal blog MUST be worth reading, right? I'm a newbie - just found you today!) Anyhoo, if you like self-deprecating jew jokes and self-deprecating mental illness jokes, and laugh out loud funny reads, I HIGHLY recommend the following: "It's Only Temporary - The Good News and Bad News About Being Alive" by Evan Handler. (Note: As an actor, he is the "Harry" character [Charlotte's Husband] on Sex and the City.) As an author, Evan Handler is simply amazing. This book had its profoundly poignant moments as well as it's "Oh my God my side hurts from laughing too hard and too long" moments. I seriously recommend it to anyone who can read and who is above the age of 35. I read about 5 books a week (in a typical week) and this book was, hands down, the BEST book I have read in about 10 years. So that my friends, is saying something....

That would be why I love Xbox like my brother from another Mother.

As for this book...well, I'm all about self-deprecation. Which, for the record, is much better than self-defecation.

Only at DGM, can I work in anal leakage AND defecation in consecutive comments. Thanks for that Danny!

You can tell Mary Roach that I bought (not borrowed) Stiff based solely on your recommendation. I just gave it to my mom to read and thought of a lot of other people who might enjoy it. Then I have to think some more: Is it too soon to read about turning Momma into compost when she turned Momma (and Momma’s cat) into clinkers just a year ago? Is he the one whose brother was found rotting in the woods when he was a kid? This being sensitive is so much work.

Speaking of Evan Handler: Time on Fire. You’ll learn that hair doesn’t always grow back after chemotherapy, even when you’re a smart-assed, self-absorbed kid.

wait...did you just say that rachel's editor called her rebecca? that's shameful! especially when SENDING OUT COPIES OF HER BOOK.

I stole my husband's credit card and ordered Stiff and Bonk.

When he asked why I pilfered out of his pocket without at least trying to jiggle his goodies, I told him I was buying a book about how to be a better lover and what to do with his earthly remains once I rocked him into the grave.

He shut up and offered me cash.

He's a good man like that.

Loved both books. Thanks for the tips. It's good to know your literary taste is better than your hockey taste.

Heh.

As a bookseller for a large bookstore chain, I know first-hand the joy of receiving free books from publishers. ARCs (advanced reading copies) are the best. For established authors, ARCs give a bookseller (or others in the publishing world) a chance to talk up the newest bestseller. For relatively new or unknown authors, it gives a bookseller (or others in the publishing world) a chance to talk up a potential new bestseller. Keep in mind when you get even more famouser, that booksellers can be your best friends. Great post.

waaaait a damned minute! There is NOTHING funny about living in Nebraska. ;-)

Danny - Wow! Packages, people knowing who you are, free books? You have arrived man.

Xbox, there's a happy ending to your book, be sure to finish it.

After reading only one post, I already love your blog. I'll definitely pick up the book and be back soon!

I about to finish Bonk. It should have been subtitled: Everything you do (and don't) want to know about sex. I'm no prude, but some of the stuff made me cringe. (Kinsey was clearly one fucked up fellow.) What I do appreciate is the exhaustive research that obviously went into the book.

Three. I think a guy needs three scrote warmers--one for formal events, one for casual events, and a spare.

"Stiff" is on my shelf, waiting to be read.

I got my hands on Spook via the library. Loved it. Am about to start Stiff today. There ends my library's stock of Mary Roach. However I do have a book voucher coming which is headed in Bonk's direction. Can you tell my budget leaves no room for books?

A good scrote warmer is essential to surviving a late-winter football games. Alas, they are getting increasingly difficult to find these days.

And because you really wanted to make the title "my package"?! Glad you did, and will check out the book and blog.

What I can't figure out is why I'm just now finding your blog. My friends (who should know this sort of thing) have let me down.

I heard about that book last week, and it's on my list to buy.

What I can't figure out is why I'm just now finding your blog. My friends (who should know this sort of thing) have let me down.

I heard about that book last week, and it's on my list to buy.

I'm totally adding "open kimono" to my vernacular. (and whenever I see "vernacular" I read "venereal")

Seriously, scrote warmers? Don't those things warm themselves?
Hey, since I'm a "member of the tribe", do I get a discount?

Oh and Liz? I think Rebecca was the editor who referred Rachel's book. Sorry, just thought I'd lend that to the fray.

I was kicked out of an office building for laughing to boisterously while reading "Stiff". I will definitely check out her latest!

By the way, have you read "A Dirty Job" by Christopher Moore? That is my recommendation to you!