Jewish mothers never take a day off. I can offer almost four decades worth of circumstantial evidence and thousands of dollars worth of therapy costs to support that claim, but no single tale articulates the relentlessness of my mother’s relentlessness better than what happened yesterday.

I’m certain she’ll be disgusted with me for sharing this, and I wouldn’t put it past her to sue me for violating her HIPAA rights, but whatever: my mom has had a stomach ache for about 15 years, and although she lives about 60 miles away from me, I can smell her farts from here. My mom was a nurse, and she has alternately diagnosed her own stomach problem over the years as the following: lactose intolerance, diverticulitis, intestinal blockage, bird flu, monkey pox, lead poisoning and food poisoning. I have been less interested in determining the source of her trouble than in marveling the power it has given her to fart with such gusto that she actually propels herself about two inches above the chair in which she’s seated. That’s levitation, Holmes.

Apparently tired of being the butt (literally) of my jokes, my mom had about a foot of her colon removed yesterday. The procedure was done laparoscopically, and when the doctor came out to the waiting room to tell us that everything had gone well, he kept repeating that the section of colon he removed was “pretty badly inflamed.” For some reason, that descriptor struck Wondersis and me as inappropriately hilarious. I asked the doctor if I could have the “pretty badly inflamed” section of my mom’s gut so I could hide it in Wondersis’ purse as a joke, but he said he’d already sent it down to the cafeteria.

After my dad, Wondersis and I went to get some lunch (NOT at the cafeteria), we came back and were told that we could visit my mom in the recovery room, one at a time. My dad went first, and when he came back we could see on his face that she was fine; he looked visibly relieved. He said my mom wanted to see me next because she knew I’d driven all the way from Orange County and understood I’d need to get back on the road soon. This must have made Wondersis “pretty badly inflamed” because, well, she’d driven down from San Francisco and was staying for four days, which seems to me a bit more sacrificial than a two-and-a-half-hour drive. But whatever.

So I strode into the recovery room and my mom looked great. Alert, smiling, talking. She asked me about the kids and Hot Wife, and then she started the Jewish mother routine.

“You know, this is another thing you need to look out for,” she said.

“What? Loose-fitting hospital gowns?”

“No, silly. The colon problems. Your great uncle Dutch had chronic diarrhea and my cousin Sheila had a hemorrhoid the size Rhode Island, and now me. You can never be too sure.”

“OK, mom,” I said. “I’ll keep an eye on my bowels.”

I was saved by the attending nurse, who came over to reapply my mom’s blood pressure cuff.

“Louise,” my mom said to the nurse, “this is my son, Daniel.”

I thought about shaking her hand, but I was certain she’d spent the morning digging around in peoples’ shit, so I just nodded. “Hi, Louise. Danny.”

“He’s going to be an author,” my mom said.

“Oh really?’ Louise said. “What’s your book about?”

“It’s the true story of a foot-long piece of irritated colon that breaks loose from the cafeteria and spreads hepatitis to innocent, unsuspecting victims throughout the hospital. The working title is ‘Pretty Badly Inflamed.’”

“Daniel!” my mom exclaimed. Then she said something in Hebrew or Yiddish, or possibly Sanskrit. Jewish mothers do this sort of thing a lot. When it’s not an appropriate time to say “I should shit in your gefilte fish for saying something that disgusting”, they dither on in a foreign language so as not to sound so irritated.

When my mom finally finished her unintelligible reprimand, I said, “Yes, mom. For the thousandth time, yes. I’ll write in the acknowledgements section that you came up with the idea for the book.”

Louise walked away.

Comments

Shame on you. If you made your Mother laugh half as hard as I did she is clutching her stomach in pain. I hope everything "comes out" ok.

Are you sure it was a reprimand? She couldn't have been talking in another language to hide the fact that she thought that was hilarious? Because THAT? That was hilarious!

P.S. My mother just had a foot of her colon removed because of diverticulitis and ended up with a colostomy. For two weeks, I was in charge of changing that "bag" and "digging around" in her shit. I really could have used this laugh 3 weeks ago.

It wasn't at Cedars right? 'Cause I just ate in their cafeteria on Saturday and I'm a little worried now.

They never take a day off? Because my Jewish mother-in-law (to be, in like 5 days, ack) is relentless and I was secretly hoping that they observed some sort of nagging Sabbath.

I your mother recovers quickly and this is the end to the pain and atomic farts!

It's not just Jewish mothers. Guess who has to have his brain scanned for aneurysms now...

Relentlessness is a Jewish father thing too. My husband's father is Jewish and is constantly reminding him to get a colonoscopy now that he turned 40 since my father-in-law has problems with polyps. "It runs in the family. You and your brother should get it done." And then he calls me to remind my husband to get it done.

Oy vey!

She sounds like my MIL. I honestly don't think that woman has ever 'dropped the kids off at the pool" in the 8 years I've known the family. When she ended up in the ER for appendicitis the doctor compared her bowels to John Wayne's when he died....and she's proud of it!

Okay...the language thing when you're mad really does happen and it works on kids, too. When ya start saying "Siep sop brie bot fer jou"...you know you're wrong, but...I laughed so hard, I was crying. Guess it hit me funny. (Sorry, Danny's Mom...)

Never have I laughed so hard about a colon and a nurse digging through piles of shit! Priceless!

I am far from Jewish and all the colons in my family are intact, (proof=yesterday's bananas; ooof), but that was flippin' hysterical Surely you could find something "inflammatory" to hide in Wonderisis' purse...? Thanks for the snort!

Evil, evil bastard.

;0)

Hysterical!

I was going to comment on the jailbreak post, but it looks deleted? Did the refugee boob's husband really kick your ass? :) That had me laughing OUT LOUD, BTW. (Feed readers don't delete....)

My mom had a foot of her intestine removed a few years ago....didn't help the atomic ass though. Matter of fact it makes her even more proud to rip one and watch our eyes water and hear us gag. Gawd it's horrendous! The worst part is my daughter has inherited it and is SOOOO proud she got that from the grams. sigh

Oh come on! What the hell did the husband say to make you delete the booby post??? You have GOT to tell us!!! It made me laugh, and really, who can get that mad about it?-you are a human being, and when there are big boobies falling out, you HAVE to notice!!!

You're even sarcastic to your MOTHER!!

What happened to the post from yesterday? I wanted my husband to read it. Please don't leave your loyal readers hanging!!!!!!!!!!

I scared a nurse away from my Dad's bedside once. We were in the hospital with him for the 300th time in like a 6 month period. The nurse came in was kind of being a jerk to him. So, I looked at him and said, deadpan and as loudly as I could, "So, when do you think you will die Dad? I have to get a new car in the next few months and you better hurry it up or I am going to have to take out a loan." The nurse looked up from what she was doing and said "Oh you poor dear..." She started being more gentle. So, I looked at her and said, "You know I really prefer it if you treat him like dirt, that way he has nothing to live for." She left the room, quickly. And my Dad and I belly-laughed for an hour.

Shouldn't the last sentence continue ", went out into the parking lot, and showed my mother's colon into my tailpipe" ?

sorry-- "shoved."

Well, I hope your happy now, Daniel! All the grief you gave me, all the worrying about when Hot Wife would finally wise up that she married beneath her! All the fretting over whether you'd ever make a real living. I give my colon for you! And this? This is what I get? A Tenacious D video link?! Oy ... the pain! I pushed you through my loins for this?

Do your dying mother one final wish and run out and get me an egg cream?

uh, you forgot to mention that piece of ass you passed up. De-LISH-ous ass!

I love you.

HAHAHAHAHA! This post has everything! Farts, shit, hospital humor, sarcasm, and a mom that swears at you in a different language. Always hilarious. Thanks for the laugh Uncle Danny.

I can see it now . . . unsuspecting cafeteria customer asking for the footlong with chili, cheese, and onions. *Yum!* Seriously, hope your Mom is doing well. Mine is due for the same procedure in three weeks.

Boob story! Bring back the boob story! Don't TELL me I'm the only one suffering from withdrawal symptoms!

Wow, it sounds like your mom puts up with a lot of hilarity at her expense. But then, I'm sure that, like most people, she's earned it.

Glad she's doing well!

I can't wait to hear what that runaway colon does in the sequel "Harry Polyp"

I need to steal that title. Colon or no colon she'll be in your acknowledgements, so now that you're big time, that'll have to be enough! Goddarn it, you're going to have 18 carrot gold toilet paper!

See, it's things like this that make me wish I'd been born to a Jewish mom. We Catholics only get massive loads of guilt but none of the humor. Next life, maybe....

for all the tsuris you've given that woman - it's a wonder she can fart at all....1000's of years of Matzoh and gefilte fish have laid toll on our innards.
that is why we are 'the chosen people'

www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com

I'm bummed. You were an ass. I mean, talk about first impressions - you rectum for both of you! I was hoping the nurse would slap you so you could turn the other cheek.

STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! You're too much comedy for me.....

Colons get a bum rap. Not quite a comma, having to live with the embarrassment of those occassional semis, they'll never reach the pinnacle and glamour of a period...it's sad. *sigh*

Oh.....you meant the OTHER colon.

Hope your moms feeling better!

You're a good boy, Danny. I can only hope that my own son turns out as funny as you. The kid's got potential.

Hope your mom continues with a speedy recovery! Hospitals suck ass..

From one Jew to another, "Oy!"
Reminds me of my mother. Be careful, or she'll send you on a guilt trip you didn't pack for.

I have to ask where the post about the mom on your son's baseball team who has enormous boobs went! I mean, did she see it and get pissed or something? You have to tell! I thought it was soooo funny I emailed it to everyone I know and my husband, who thought it was hilarious!!! Now, it has disappeared! What's up with that?

Poor Louise, if she only knew how many people were getting a laugh from this story! Glad your mom is better, but what a shame to lose a conversation stealing talent like the 60 mile fart.

Your words are like mind bullets.

Absolutely and utterly hysterical.

I believe my mother could be momgonemad's doppelganger. For some reason, she has a knack for pursuing all forms of impropriety. Earlier this year she had heart surgery, and the family's pastor was visiting with her and dad in the pre-op room. A nurse came in informing her it was time for her shave. Mom's response? "Well, I don't have a beard so you two might want to get out of here." Dad and clergy left without any objection or anything else to say for that matter.

Glad to hear that your mom's long-standing health issue has finally been resolved. What was previously one big question mark is now a semi-colon.

This is not just a jewish mom thing... I know way too much about my parents bowels then I need to or want to... I don't know why they feel the need to discuss such things with me.

You know you're SO going to end up with an inflamed colon for all this chutzpa you have. That's karma, Holmes.

DAMN. My best friend's dad had his colon removed and we did not even THINK to ask if we could keep it. It probably looked like beef jerky, it was so messed up.

Side note: I just farted really loudly and immediately blamed it on my elderly female co-worker. Should I feel bad about it, or consider it just retribution for all the denture-sucking noises she makes all day?

Louise is over in a corner somewhere trying not to shit her pants laughing lol.

I'm so glad your mom came through the surgery and is doing well. Please make sure to tell whoever is around her to get her up and moving asap...it's essential.

This post was so funny...who knew colons and surgery could be funny? Ok, I actually did...but somehow you make talking about poop even funnier than what it should be :)

She is right, though...you do need to watch out for that stuff...my uncle passed away on his birthday (5 April) due to complications from his surgery for colon cancer. He was only 53. For the last few years I had been hounding him to get a colonoscopy...I'm always telling family members to get mammograms or colonoscopys or whatever it is they need to do...funny how they never listen.

As an aside...you should see the explosive shit you get after your gall bladder is removed...it's like a game...will I need to go to the bathroom after this meal? Not so fun to be the key player, though.

A book about an angry colon sounds like something Stephen King would write about if he ever became stricken with dementia.

Sorry, but all I logged on here to say today was GO WINGS!!!!

You had me at farts...

Isn't shitting in someone's gefilte fish sort of redundant?

Holy cow, Daniel. Not to e-stalk you or anything, but I found this website from your link and I think that you and I are long lost siblings: http://www.shinygrape.com/americangoulash

I would suggest that your mom and my mom should meet, but I would be too scared that the room would fill with noxious fumes emitted from both of their rectums. Eventually, they'd pass out, and not so much from the fumes, but because they've used up all their oxygen commenting about our horrible taste in clothing or disapproval about our eating habits.

Oy vay.

PS: Oops. I thought you were another Daniel Evans, his site is http://www.danielmevans.net/ and he also says, "Hi," lol. Since I am happy to have made this happy mistake, let's just be BFF (best friends forever). Byeeee!

Now that your mom's colon is shorter, will this allow her to project her farts with more umph?