A reporter from the St. Paul Pioneer Press called me earlier this week. She’s writing a feature on “daddy bloggers” for Father’s Day, and our conversation predictably meandered its way to the topic of personal privacy. What will I reveal on the site? What will I keep to myself? Where is the boundary?

I seem to get that question a lot, and my reply usually begins with a chuckle. While I’m very strict with regard to what I share about Hot Wife and the kids, my own personal existence is an open book. During the five-year existence of Dad Gone Mad, I’ve exposed the following heinous details about myself:

• I have two webbed toes.
• I have uneven nipples.
• I was clinically depressed.
• I had a vasectomy.
• I fart a lot.
• Generally, I’m a pussy.
• I’m physically unfit.
• I have no manners.
• I’m an unfit parent.
• I have no shame.

I feel compelled to pre-emptively apologize to the fine people of St. Paul for ruining their Sunday morning. I can picture them sitting on their porches with cups of coffee and toasted bagels, reading the Sunday paper and chatting with one another in that Minnesota accent that sounds like a hybrid of how people talk when they’re from Canada and how people talk when they have an esophageal hernia. Anyone who has seen Fargo knows exactly what I’m talking a-bote.

But as long as we’re on the subject, I’ve recently become aware of another catastrophic element of my personal existence and I think you should know about it.

Like it or not, Hot Wife and I change the sheets on our bed every six months or so. (Kidding.) Whenever we do so, I pluck my pillow out of the pillowcase and become horrified by the ever-expanding drool stain. If I didn’t know it was drool, I’d be inclined to think I piss out of my ear when I lay on my side.

The fact that I drool when I sleep is by no means breaking news. I’ve awakened in a pool of my own slobber more times than I can count. It’s not something I can control, and when I compare it against some of the shit other folks do in their sleep – walk around, urinate, sit up and scream out “Mother, we mustn’t forget the porridge! The porridge, mother! The porridge!” – a little spit seems pretty damn innocuous.

The problem arises when I see that horrid stain. It forms a huge yellowed circle in the middle of my otherwise white pillow – like a disrespectful, inartistic recreation of the Japanese flag.

There’s also the loosely related realization that in order to drool one has to sleep with his mouth open, which anyone who has ever been in the military, a frat house or a sleep-away summer camp knows to be an absolute no-no (read: cotton balls, shaving cream, bugs, undesirable bodily fluids, undesirable body parts). And a natural offshoot of sleeping with an open mouth is snoring, a behavior about which my wife incessantly badgers me, despite the fact that she’s as big a culprit as I.

In general, people of St. Paul, the slumbering me is one big, wet, loud circus. If we’re going to be friends, I think it’s best you know that now.

(And if you think this is a disgusting first impression, just be glad I didn’t mention the time I took a dump that looked like Tootie from The Facts of Life.)

Comments

Same problem, partial solution. You can get zipped covers for the pillow that are washable (bleachable) so you only have to look at those stains when you take THAT off to wash. Yeh you can get moisture proof pillows but they're all crinkly sounding when you move.
As for the "Fargo" accent, I saw an interview with a accent coach, who said you get part of that by not moving your jaw, which might be the result of the horrific cold up there. Both of my SIL's are from Minnehsooota ya know, and my wife's Grandmother was born in Zumbrota eh? And one brother went to Canada AFTER going to Vietnam, and he says "eh?" more than any Canadian I've ever met. So there ya go eh?

Even worse than drooling on your own pillow in your own bed is drooling on a plane and waking up with it covering you and whatever you are wearing. Oh and having that happen while wearing the business outfit you need to be in for a meeting for when you get off the plane.

You and me, both, pal. Not the Tootie dump, but the pillow defiling all the way. It disturbs me. Just thinking about it makes me want to wipe my cheek, the way I do every morning and occasionally in the middle of the night.

At least I'm not alone.

As a Minnesotan I can say that, believe it or not, the fargo area has it's own dialect. The accent lessens "Slightly" as you move south in the state.

From one waterfall drooling, freight train snoring, rotten egg smelling gasser to another, I think we can be friends and I look forward to reading the article and passing it on to my friends and family.

Maybe I'll send you some Hotdish and Pop!

Matt

Really? My crap usually resembles Mrs. Garrett.

Let me know if you would like a hard copy, and I can mail it, as I am a subscriber.

Well, since just this morning I woke up, sat up, ran my forearm across my mouth and made that sslllbbthth sound while trying to get rid of the drool, I can sympathize. Do like I do...buy new pillows every 4 months.

I didn't care for the movie Fargo...I think it made all us Minnesotans look like a bunch of hillbillys.....then again...we have a few of those too..ha! A co-worker of mine told me the other day that before she moved to MN she had never heard the term hotdish.

Love your blog!

Finally something to look forward to in the local paper!! Whoopee!!

Hi from St. Paul & FYI - you can get a new pillow at Target for under $5, and Fargo is in North Dakota...

"So that was Mrs. Lundegaard on the floor in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. And those three people in Brainerd. And for what? For a little bit of money. There's more to life than a little money, you know. Don'tcha know that? And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day. Well. I just don't understand it. "

Just found you today, and I gotta say this whole blog is all kinds of awesome. I'm doing a poor man's version of this over on mine, but you're way ahead of me. Now I can scratch the vasectomy post off the to-do list, as I'll just link to yours instead. Great read....

A Minnesota accent beats any Canadian's accent! What is American's fascination with our "oot" and "aboot"? I can say since moving to the States that it has been a great conversation starter.

Drool and yellow stains aside, I love your blog!

I'm a Minnesota-born girl living in Grand Forks, North Dakota... a solid hour drive north of Fargo. Yes, we have crazy annoying hick-like accents - some are worse than those heard on Fargo (my dad's included) and some are far better than those heard on Fargo (mine, I hope!). We are known for our elongated vowels and nasal R's (and -30°F temperatures)... but we are a fucking fantastic group of people! :)

DGM - Your blog is classic. Thanks for the laughs... and even the occassional tear.

y'all are disgusting. i crap pure gold every morning.

I friggin' spit out the coffee with the Tootie reference!

thanks for the laugh (once again!!!)

ps- if you intentionally try to keep your mouth closed when you sleep, you tend to drool more. Try duct tape.

As a long time reader but first time poster, I have to say I can not wait for the Sunday edition of the PP! (pioneer press)for all you non-Minnesotans.

Thanks for keeping me laughing Danny.

It sucks that I did not find your blog before now. It is great! Got to you through Litteral Dan. I am adding you to my Blog Roll.
I aree...I just put it all out there. For me, I really don't care what people think. It is more or less "My Therapy".

You really are some catch Daniel.

And you're really really *really* sure it's drool, yes?

You know, pregnant women are supposed to drool a lot. And since, after getting snipped, you're basically one of us now, maybe it's time to mosey on down to Walgreen's and go pee on a Clearblue?

The Tootie post + the knowledge of what you look like in pictures = all kinds of disturbing imagery in my brain. So thanks for that.

You are ahead of your time, Danny! Reading that Tootie thing was like reading an episode of South Park. Only, instead of the world's biggest turd (who happens to look, talk and act just like Bono), it's the world's most realistic turd sculpture of a face. Bravo! And, also? Ew!

Wow, a reason to read the Pioneer Press instead of the Strib for once... Although the Fargo (North Dakota, by the way) accent is a little excessive, I do still put "malk" on my cereal, go out on the "bo-at" (its 2 syllables), talk "aboot" hockey, and sleep on my drool covered "pallow." Although, 2 years at school in the UP of Michigan has taught me that "Eh" is more of a UP anomaly, not so much MN.

Hm, I just figured out that reading this and eating quiche do not mix well.

Isn't that what blogs are for? Self-deprecating truth?

I, too, drool in my sleep. I have even had dreams about tidal waves, tsunamis, scenes from Jaws, and awakened coughing an sputtering. No lakes or oceans here... just a puddle of my own spit.

Gag.

More embarrassing is when you drift off to sleep in a semi-public place (i.e. airplane) and catch yourself starting to drool and then you make that slurping noise to catch the drool. Then you've been outted. Everyone knows.
Maybe it will open up seats around me on my next flight. Hmmm...

Had to read this one out loud to all of my office mates, because they wanted to know why I snorted. Agent Hubby once confessed that one of the things he missed after moving in together was being able to wipe his boogers between the mattress and box spring at night. You guys are brothers in grossness.

Oh us Minnesotans (omg, I just called myself a Minnesotan! My Wisconsinites will be ashamed of me) love you Danny, no matter what your pillows look like. I look forward to reading the article then clipping it out of the paper in the breakroom. Always seems like the article I'm into is missing the second half cause someone steals the Sudoku puzzle. Bastards! I'll show them.

Uh...yeah. This is way more than I needed to know...LOL

Your wife snores?...Does that mean she sleeps with an open mouth?...Which if you ever lived in a frat house or military barracks..Well what I am trying to say...Good for you. Lucky Man.

Wow... The "Crap Craft" entry goes back a long way.

I droll a lot when I sleep. I have to change my pillow case weekly.

As a fellow Dad blogger (from the Mpls / St. Paul area) I am looking forward to clipping the article, and hanging up in my locker at work!!

(with a few hearts drawn around your photo that is....)

At least it's not nocturnal emissions!

Dude, you're in so much trouble. You just told the internet that your wife snores. Set aside some bail money for her.

Ah ha! That's what that yellow stain is on the pillows. I was blaming my husband for sweating on the pillows. But given his level of snoring, I think I have the true culprit now. Of course, I can't decide which one I'd rather now sleep on...

Ohmygosh! I'm one of the fine people of St. Paul. I'll make sure I eat all my egg-bake hotdish before I read about you in the PP Sunday morning so I don't have to swallow eggs while I read about whatever bodily function you will write about next. Seriously, though, I look forward to it!

Why did your dump have to look like Tootie? Why couldn't it look like Blaire? Your dumps are racialist.

Wow. That's gross. But yeah that's happened to me a couple of times, but I always wake up when I feel the drool on my cheek. Amazed you can sleep through it!

DGM...please post a spew alert next time...tootie pootie....ROTFLMAO. You Rock!

So you've heard about the "Ether bunnies" in the military huh?

For everyone else, there's a (probably) myth that circulates around Air Force boot camp about there being someone, or a group of individuals, that roam around the base with hanky's full of ether and a pocket full of condoms.

Use your imagination for the rest. I understand this legend exists on many college campuses as well, but I think it's especially effective in the military boot camp considering the close proximity 50 guys are forced to live with for months on end.

Man, I had forgotten all about that!

Damn. I WAS eating lunch.

The Michigan accent is equally as quaint. I figured out it's from moving your lips horizontally when you pronounce vowels. Here in the Pacific Northwest we do it vertically. Horizontal is always better, don't you thing?

Duuude, wash your pillow in some hot water with bleach.

And what's this about webbed toes? Are you Manimal or something?

Dude, don't listen to KG. Never, have I ever smeared nose turds between the mattress and box spring. Nope. Not once. UNDER the box spring, that's another story. As a kid, I think I had the world's most impressive collection of dried snot in the western hemisphere. You could've gone to town down there with a chisel (that's what she said (beat you to it)) for a week - I mean, if that's what you like doing.

Oh good Lord, that made my day and it's only 12:34 AM. Good luck with the involuntary bodily fluid issues...I guess it could be a LOT worse in the grand scheme of things. Thanks for the laugh!

Anissa
www.hope4peyton.org

I always feel it's best to just throw all our embarrassing foibles and habits and involuntary nocturnal behaviors out there immediately before anyone can exploit it to get a laugh at our expense. If anyone's getting a laugh out of this shit, it's gonna be me, dammit! A preemptive strike.

For example, I have no problem saying I crapped my pants every day - often holding it in with my foot while trying (often in vain) to hold it in - till I hit puberty. I guess I figured I'd never get laid with a daily dump in my shorts. See? No one can surprise me with that little nugget about myself. Now I absolutely love a good BM. Never crap-crafted a Tootie, but a decent Jabba the Hut once.

Enough about me. Your blog is fantastic. My girlfriend Jill (used to work at Good Housekeeping; you linked to her blog) told me about it. Keep it up!

I could have sworn My husband was writing this post. For a second there, I was imagining my husband secretly sitting at the computer posting blogs about himself. He does the exact same thing. At night when it's time for bed, I actually hold up the pillows to determine which one is his and toss it to him.
I tell him, "Here's YOUR pillow."
He tells me to, "Shut up" while he snags it and tucks it under his arm as he walks toward the bed.
Shoot...that's HIS pillow. I don't want it.

As a single dad of three boys I am always happy when drool stains are the only stains I find when changing my boys sheets....or washing their clothes. When cleaning their rooms I often find myself on my hands and knees, rubber gloves on and a flashlight in hand while searching through their closets and under their beds like some crime scene investigator on the scene of a murder.....

dude. us Minnesota chicks have even heavier accents when yelling at people who forget that Fargo is in North freaking Dakota!
But, yah, we do have accents, but they are sexy! What's that Beach Boys songs about Northern girls...?

Dude...there is nothing classier than a pillow drooler. Or so I tell my husband every time he sees my pillow with out the case.

Hope you had a great day today. And may you drool unabashedly tonight. I know I will.

You sound like quite a charmer, but you're really funny, so I'll look past the gross things I wish I didn't know. Looking forward to catching on your entries!