Before she was The BabyShrink, Dr. Heather Wittenberg was one of my closest friends. She was a bridesmaid for Hot Wife at our wedding and her husband, Dave, was my best man. The day after our wedding, Dave and Heather moved to paradise -- and we've spent every day since trying to brainwash them into coming back to SoCal (which has been hard to do since they're both doctors of psychology and therefore immune to our feeble mind games). But seeing as how she this big internet superstar now, I figured it was a good idea to leech from her genius for a guest post.

Aloha, DGM readers!

Danny introduced you all to me back on March 7, 2008, and my life hasn't been the same since. I sat there on that day in complete shock at the tons of you coming over to check out BabyShrink, and determined to make it worth your while. Our collective interest in learning to better understand our kids inspires me to rise at the ungodly hour of 4am to respond to your questions, and research the latest on infant and child development. Hot Wife has watched it all unfold, telling me, "Oh no. It's happened. You're obsessed with your website!" I've fielded hundreds of your parenting questions about the tiniest tyrants in your lives...your young children. I've also launched a new design for the site, with my fantabulous new logo, created for me by my tireless supporter, friend, and Grammy-nominated designer, Glenn Sakamoto. A lot has happened since BabyShrink was "born" four months ago! So I just wanted to send a big ALOHA and MAHALO to all of you who have helped by reading and supporting BabyShrink. I've got some new stuff coming up too, including my first crack at podcasting, so stay tuned for that!

And Now, a "Poop-in-the Pool" Question
When Danny asked me to submit a guest post for DGM, my first thought was, "I need a good poop post! And hopefully, something with a summer-fun kind of spin to it!" We took a "crack" at the topic when BabyShrink's Husband did his Dad's Take on Potty Training a couple of weeks ago. Luckily, reader Bonnie came to the rescue with this new question for me:

Dear Dr. Heather-
Help, we’re having a summer potty training crisis! My four-year-old son is usually potty trained at home and daycare. But starting a few weeks ago, when he has to poop at home, he tries to hold it. When we ask him if he needs to go or try to take him to the potty when he is holding it, he throws a fit. So my husband and I have taken a step back to let our son make the decision on his own to go. During the summer, we are in our pool a lot and he will try to hold it there as well. We always tell him he can quickly go to the potty and then come back. But if we see he can’t hold it, we will remove him from the pool area and let him know that until he goes on the potty, he can’t come back in the pool. Well…he just goes crazy, screaming, wailing, hitting or kicking us if we come near.
Are we handling this right?

Thanks,
Bonnie

Dear Bonnie,

Everyone talks about "the terrible twos", with the implication that things are all happy and easy after the third birthday. WRONG! Right? Someone just joked with me that "two plus two equals FOUR". A four-year-old still retains the obstreperous nature of a toddler, but now has some real power in his protest, along with some snappy comebacks and sarcasm to add in to the mix. Also, consider the fact that a four-year-old simply does not yet care what others think of him; peer pressure and the desire to be socially acceptable don't register with this age group. I've written before about how, developmentally, preschoolers retain many of their preschooler-ish attitudes, including the power struggles, oppositional tendencies, and annoying habits, often until age six or seven. But society somehow expects a four-year-old to be a "big kid", capable of handling their impulses, understanding logical cause-and-effect, and being in complete control of their bodily functions. It ain't gonna happen! Preschools (or even kindergartens) requiring "complete toileting independence" and other such nonsense simply don't know their child developmental timelines. Sure, many kids will have acquired "complete toileting independence" by the age of three or four. But many will not...and that's usually not a reason to worry.

Now, when it comes to your little guy and summer fun in the pool, you are right to set the limit. He's old enough to understand the rule, and clearly demonstrates he does know how to use the potty. But this is more a lesson for him in patience and frustration tolerance. When he starts to swim, he gets all excited, and that probably stimulates the urge to poop. But he's having too much fun to stop and go to the bathroom. What seems to us like a "quick trip to the bathroom" feels to him like "the longest time EVER", and your logical explanations don't yet sink in, at this age.

So, what to do? Try to make him feel in control of the situation, and give him as many choices as possible. Start talking to him about how this tends to come up when he swims. Try to head it off at the pass. Make a morning visit to the potty part of his regular routine, to prevent the problem from happening later. Give him a little reward when he's successful (a sticker for a sticker chart, or even a jelly bean -- that's what works in my house). Remind him before he gets ready to swim. Give him lots of warnings about any impending swim. But let him know that you're letting him make the choice -- he can poop properly, in the potty, and still swim. Or he can scream and throw a fit -- and not swim. The choice is his.

And the tantrum is his, too. He's fighting against himself; on one hand, he wants to be a baby and just swim and poop and have someone else worry about cleaning it up. On the other hand, he wants to be a Big Boy, in charge of his body and his actions. He has to get through the struggle and conflict on his own; all you can do is provide support, and give him some structure and rules. So expect some tantrums about this (and other things) for awhile. Talk about his struggles with him when he's calm and reflective. Help him with strategies for waiting and for frustration tolerance. And I'll bet that your summer swimming experience next year will be much simpler!

And thanks again to all of you who have made BabyShrink such a success. I look forward to your comments and questions, as always!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Comments

Hey doc!
We used all these techniques when my daughter was 2. Sticker charts didn't work, we could bribe her with nothing and she seemed to delight in tantrum throwing. We talked to her in calmer moments and she seemed to take it all in, only to totally forget the lot and throw another hissy fit the minute we brought out the potty or mentioned anything wee or poop related.
But we kept on, patiently and diligently.
Then one day she literally threw her nappy across the room, said "I'm not a baby" and has never worn one since!
So it does work - eventually - you just need a truck load of patience to get there!

"I've written before about how, developmentally, preschoolers retain many of their preschooler-ish attitudes, including the power struggles, oppositional tendencies, and annoying habits, often until age six or seven. But society somehow expects a four-year-old to be a "big kid", capable of handling their impulses, understanding logical cause-and-effect, and being in complete control of their bodily functions. It ain't gonna happen!"

O.M.G.

Truer words were never spoken. El Diablo, who just turned six a few weeks ago lives in this pooping world. Ninety percent of the time, he heads to the bathroom just before bed, does his bidness and all is well. The other 10 percent you would think the Apocalypse is nigh for all the wailing and gnashing of teeth that occurs in our water closet. He has serious issues with less-than-solid poop, connected I believe to a bout of stomach flu sometime in the past. He hates to wipe if it takes more than a few swipes, and after a couple of mushy dumps, he will try to simply hold it until it is approximately the size and weight of elephant dung. And then we are privvy to an emotional display that puts the late Tammy Faye Baker to shame. "I CAN'T DO IT!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO POOP!!!!!DEMON TURDS I REBUKE YOU!!!!" (OK, the last part was only in my head.) He swears that it does not hurt, he just doesn't want it to come out. It is so very hard to find an argument that makes any sense to him in this situation. The "big boy" gambit, coupled with the "everybody has to poop every day" approach both failed spectacularly.

We actually spent close to an hour with him screaming on the toilet one evening, with a rapidly approaching tee-ball game. We knew he would be miserable on the field, and probably prone to an accident, so we tried to get him to let it out at home, even telling him that we were not leaving unless he went. (Lest people think we are cruel, experience has shown us when the boy REALLY needs to go, not that we are forcing him to excrete on our own whimsy.) But he won this one. We compromised with three real pushes in the presence of mom to make sure it wasn't coming out, then we dashed to the game (which, as the universe thought was truly funny, wasn't actually for another hour...). He swore up and down that it was "stuck," although he has never actually been clinically constipated in all his 6 years. We went the juice route to loosen things up and amazingly enough he produced within an hour, leading me to give praise to the placebo effects of Welch's. (I told him the juice would make the poop come out and I was right, dammit!)

This week I had begun to believe that preschoolish behavior was actually governed by the top two baby teeth. El Diablo lost both this week (one when he whacked himself in the mouth with the arm rest in the van--please don't ask because I have no idea how he did it) and suddenly seems more grown up and ready for first grade. But then he kicked me in the shin last night when I told him it was time to leave the ball park. Maybe it's actually in the molars...

Wouldn't life be so much simpler if we could just ALL wear diapers? I don't blame that kid. Going to the bathroom is annoying.

Thank god my girls are past this phase! I am so glad I came to them later in thier lives, because YIKES!

Awesome, Heather.

I can't wait until I can start e-mailing you poop questions.

Have you been stalking my four-year-old, or is he just as unoriginal as his old man?

Great guest posts thus far, DGM — but I felt compelled to write because, well, because it bothers me greatly that the ad for W Hotels in the right sidebar has "irresistible" spelled incorrectly. WTF?? They're a billion-dollar hotel company... they don't have proofreaders?

Just sayin...

Hope you're having a LOVELY vacation!

I will never again purchase a Baby Ruth candy bar.

My 3yo daughter poops in the tub. I'll go in to check on her and she's just playing away with a pile of poop on the other end. She doesn't seem to understand that now the poop is all over her. So then I have to put her in the shower, bleach the tub, and bleach the toys. All because of poop. I hate poop.

www.notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com

Great guest posts. Btw, my wife and I would agree with the 2+2=4 comment. With our two boys it continued into 5.
I also hate poop. However, I've noticed that it seems to come often at dinner parties with "new" parents. Nothing better than finishing off your chocolate lava cake when someone says, "Did I tell you about Kimmy pooping in the bath tub?"
In true, "Myth Buster" fashion I chucked a full size Baby Ruth in a hotel pool. That bad boy sunk faster than, than,...whatever, too many things come to mind.

Holy crap, you have described my four year old monster to a bloody T!!! Thank you for giving me something to print out and show to my DH proving that he doesn't need military school just yet!!! I will be visiting your site regularly I think.

And DGM, hope you are enjoying your vacay, as is your family. TY for not just leaving us all here hanging.

Yes, and some of us are SOOO lucky that it poop/toilet problems last up until they are 8. My son was 5 before he was completely potty trained. If you think that is bad, my daughter was 8. You read that right... 8. I even had her to the doctor several time because I was worried she had a physical problem (no, she didn't). Turns out, she was just UNBELIEVABLY stubborn and TERRIFIED that she would miss out on something "fun" because she had to use the bathroom. UGH!