Although it has taken nearly four decades of trial and error (mostly error), I have finally achieved a degree of clarity about what I can and cannot do. I’ve been stubborn about this issue, arguing with great conviction against my wife’s declarations that there I shouldn’t try to do certain things that require a large amount of patience. Like cooking. And gardening. And breastfeeding.

I resisted the cooking thing most. I really want to be able to cook. Always have. I want to be one of those guys who has his own chili recipe and a strong feeling about using charcoal briquettes (as opposed to propane) and a secret barbecue sauce that makes people want to hump his leg in gratitude. But I have finally come to terms with the fact that beyond microwave popcorn and canned soup, I flatly do not possess the culinary gene.

The evidence is everywhere. I burn everything I barbecue. When I we sit down to a dinner that I have made, I watch as Hot Wife and the kids take a small, guarded bite and then look at one another with that blank stare that says, “I’m going to have to swallow this, aren’t I?” It’s all just too much for me. The heat, the flavor, the consistency, the portion size, the nutritional value, the freshness of the ingredients, the potential for unintentional poisoning… If God wanted us to remember that much at one time, he would have given us more fingers to count with.

Hot Wife went out of town this weekend, leaving me with three mouths to feed. In most similar cases, we go out. But having just returned from Las Vegas, I thought I would at least make the attempt to save some money by (cue: theme music from Jaws) cooking a meal for my children. In the freezer I found a staple of most Jewish households: a bag of frozen, pre-peeled shrimp. And so it began.

I put some of the shrimp in a pan with some olive oil, stirred it around some, trying to mimic the behaviors of those I’ve seen on television. Stir, toss in a handful of salt, grind the pepper mill a few times, take a drag from an expensive, pretentious bottle of beer. So far, so good.

Spices! We must have spices. I walked to the pantry, opened it, saw the collection of small plastic bottles with brightly colored tops. Bingo. Hmmm…let’s see here… Paprika! Yes! Definitely some paprika. And cumin! I don’t know what the hell cumin is, other than a slang term for male climax, but Bobby Flay uses the stuff all the damn time, so in it goes. What else…what else…chili powder!...garlic salt!...oh, baby. This is gonna be good. I added sprinkles of each of my spices to the sputtering pan of shrimp, flagrantly disregarding the simple fact that each one adds its own element of funkiness to the mix. Not germane, I thought. It’s supposed to be complex.

I realized that putting a plate of plain old shrimp in front of my children would be like putting a watermelon in the path of a bullet train. There had to be more. Something colorful. Something cool. Something liiiike…chocolate! Yes! Chocolate shrimp! That’s brilliant! Perhaps I’ve finally stumbled upon something marketable and awesome.

I went to the fridge to snag the half-eaten bag of chocolate chips, carried it to my workstation and paused for a beat. How many? A smart chef would probably calculate some sort of chip-to-shrimp ratio, so that’s what I did. Two. No, three! Three. Yeah, three. Three chocolate chips should adequately coat each shrimp in enough fudge to overwhelm the fishy taste and make it look like one of those candies that looks like a turtle. I sprinkled in the chips, waited for them to melt, then stirred the shrimp around in the brownish goop.

I thought to myself, “The kids are going to LOVE this! Daddy is SUCH a good cook.”

I plated the masterpiece, carried the plates to the dinner table and called them. “Guys! Come on! Dinner!”

“What are we having, dad?”

“You’ll see when you get here.” I wanted it to be a surprise.

They sprinted to the table – probably expecting so see a mac and cheese or chicken nuggets – and stopped short when they saw what was on their plates.

“What…is it?” my son asked, his lips in a snarl-like formation.

“It’s chocolate-covered shrimp,” I said, using the same voice I would have used if I was introducing a famous magician or the prime minister of Des Moines or whatever.

“Awesome!” my daughter said.

“I know, huh?” I said.

My son wasn’t so sure. He pulled his chair away from the table and sat down gingerly, as though he thought the meal might bite his fingers if they got too close. He leaned in to smell it. Blank reaction. Progress!

He picked up his fork, drove the side of it through one of the shrimpies, and then stabbed one of the halves. I brought it to his mouth, paused as if to pray for mercy, then ate it. One chew. Two chews. Nothing. Third chew, and with that his face turned into an angry raisin. He opened his mouth and let the food freefall onto his plate: a brownish, whitish chunk of chewed-up yuck. After it was all out of his person, he spit onto the plate.

“GROSS, DAD!”

“Oh, come on! It’s not that bad.”

“It’s disgusting. Have you tried it?”

“No.”

“Well you should. It’s nasty.”

Pfft. To show him that he was over-reacting and clearly not old enough to appreciate the complex flavors and textures of my masterpiece, I picked up his fork and stabbed the unchewed half of his piece. I pooped it in my mouth like it was candy.

One two. Two chews. Can’t really taste it yet. Three chews. Oh my god. Oh my god.

I kept my poker face on, dutifully chewed and swallowed the rest of it. Oh my god.

And then I stood up, walked over to the phone, and ordered us a pizza.

Comments

Haha, this made me smile. If you can't cook, you can certainly write! This reminds me of my dad. Other than fried rice and spaghetti -- NOT the sauce, JUST the spaghetti -- my dad can't cook. The first time Mom left on vacation, she wrote down a menu, a schedule, all her recipes, and made sure we had all the ingredients. Dad cooked fried rice, spaghetti, and took us to McDonald's, KFC, Applebee's, Pizza Hut, and any cheap, redneck buffet-dining-hall that we found. But you know what? Great memories!

Oh, I feel your pain! I don't think I've ever even been brave enough to make my own recipe... :-) We've been in our new apt for nearly three months and I've set the fire alarm off four times.... and I don't even try to make dinner!

"I pooped it in my mouth like it was candy." Did you really mean to write that? ;) Don't correct it! It's cute. Sounds so British.

Shrimp and chocolate? WTF??? LOL. I'm impressed that your son went as far as tasting it!!

Neither one of my parents could cook, but they'd make meals anyway since fast food was nearly non-existent back in the early 80's. My dad made stuffed peppers and I absolutely REFUSED to eat it. It's a good thing because he took a bite, chewed a few times and declared with a screwed face:

"Holy Shit!! This tastes like tampons!!!"

To this day I refuse to eat stuffed peppers.

I guess it's time to move on to breastfeeding.

This is something I am still refusing to accept. I truly wish I could enjoy cooking, but I can't and I suck at it, but being a single mom the kids are stuck with me and Hamburger Helper.

Chocolate and Shrimp....not exactlythe combination I would think of... I will give you this much... you are creative!

I'm just picturing your wife returning home only to notice the 15 pounds of chocolate covered shrimp in the bin...

And this is why Jews are not supposed to eat shrimp.
Hope you enjoyed the pizza!

Wow. Really? I thought it was getting bad at cumin, but chocolate??? Are you sure you are not just stacking the deck to get out of cooking? I'm seriously considering calling BS.

I'm actually not that bad of a cook myself, but we all have stories like that. Something along the lines of, "Hmm. This seems too plain. I need to change it up!" Like the time I made roasted potatoes in orange juice. No seriously.

The secret is knowing that most of the spices in the cupboard are for decoration only. Salt, pepper, and that's about it. If you want garlic or onion flavour, cut one up.

But, chocolate covered shrimp? Did you seriously think this would be good? Are you one of those people who eats chocolate covered insects or something?

Wow now that's a new one on me. BTW, we don't have a prime minister here in Des Moines (yes I actually live here), he prefers to be addressed more along the lines of Lord Mayor Cownie.

I am stil laughing about this. You should have just fed them chocolate cake. It has eggs, flour and some of the other major food groups! :)

Pooped it in my mouth and the cumin (coo-min) thing had me cracking up.

great experiment!! i see how it made sense in your mind- shrimp is good- chocolate is good so wouldn't they be good together? it is a logical thought.. but that is fucking nasty. stick to mac&cheese and chicken nuggets, buy in bulk!!

I'm genuinely hoping you're just telling a tale here, BUT... if you actually DID cook & serve chocolate covered shrimp with cumin & paprika....

+10 points for creativity
+10 points for effort
+50 points for originality
-100 points for taste
and +75 points for having the good sense to order a pizza!

And kudos to your boy for giving it a try!

I feel your pain. I have been banned from the kitchen at my house. I am only allowed to cook if no one else is expected to eat. Its really sad, I'm pretty sure I was meant to be the next big Food Network Star!

Walnut, raisin and creamc heese sandwiches, eggs cooked with canned beans. These are two of the lunches my dad made me when I was in grade 5 - he was a stay at home dad before it was fashionable - all I wanted was tomato soup.

I laughed at the secret barbecue sauce comment. What is it with men and barbecue sauce? In our neck of the woods (NW) it's all about the secret sauce you barbecue salmon with. No one will reveal their mysterious recipe for the perfect salmon marinade. And one question...aren't you the least bit curious what the shrimp would have tasted like without the chocolate? Methinks another culinary adventure is in order...

This is why I hate to cook. I try to mess with recipes too much, and it ends up turning my whole family into "raisin faces."

I'm...I'm...speechless. And I don't think that's ever happened before.

You had me at "chocolate".
I LOVE chocolate, but chocolate and shrimp.
Ewwwwwww!
Funny, funny stuff.

Try spaghetti, you can't screw up spaghetti.

hahahaha! This is the most fantastic story! You were doing so well until the chocolate part...please, for the sake of your children, stick with take-out and mac and cheese.

Don't feel bad Danny, my husband can't make a grilled cheese sandwich. I have showed him 3 times how to do it. It is hopeless.

Oh holy hell. You have saved me. YOU are officially the worst cook on the Internet.

I might serve my kids raw eggplant - but Chocolate Shrimp?? LOL I bow down to your awesomeness.

Your son is very brave. I would not have tried it.

Also, you should probably stay out of the kitchen unless it's making cereal for the kids. :)

Seriously??? Chocolate covered shrimp!! LMAO!!!

You really should try some of the recipes from thepioneerwoman.com. I hate to cook and suck at it as well, but I've managed to make quite a few of her recipes and they turned out really good! I haven't screwed any of them up. The step by step pictures is really helpful to me.

Next time you might try chocolate-covered bacon.

What in God's name possessed you to combine shrimp and chocolate?!? Dude!

Oh. my. gracious.. Wow. Chocolate shrimp? Astounding.

I now realize how truly blessed I am to have a man that can cook!

You are hilarious! (As if you didn't know..)

My boyfriend is banned from the kitchen after the last time he tried to cook dinner. We'd made catfish a few weeks prior and it wasn't as crunchy as I'd like, so I commented that he'd have to turn the heat up a little on the oil. Oh, he did...to "high". And then marinated the catfish in beer.
Alcohol + very high temperatures + oil.
There's no way in Hell we're getting that security deposit back. It's a miracle the microwave is still functional after being lit on fire.

OMG! I have tears rolling down my cheeks. That sounds like a combo my husband might come up with, and he's a darn good cook! Still, it's something about the testosterone that makes him try strange combos! Kudos to you for trying, and a big thumbs up for knowing when to call for a pizza.

Oh how I wish this wasn't true.

I once made rice. I remembered clearly that the ratio was 2:1, rice and water. Unfortunately, I did 2 rice and 1 water. It was inedible, true, but the mix really saved me money on wallpaper paste.

Sir, please put down the spatula, and slowly step away from the stove. LOL! I'm surprised Hot Wife hasn't put padlocks on the cabinets yet.

Thank you. I have not laughed that hard in a long time.

That was really gross. I don't like seafood. Why did you have to associate the wonderful taste of chocolate with the fishy taste of shrimp? Your son will always remember shrimp (and you) whenever he eats chocolate!!

that makes people want to hump his leg in gratitude

Best line I've read all year I think :-)

That is DISGUSTING. I'm laughing and yet totally nauseous.

Hee hee. You said "plated." I'd make fun of you some more, but the truth is, despite being the one in the household responsible for making dinner each night, I can't cook worth a damn and it's true that I've mistaken Baking Soda and Baking Power at times because, really, what's the difference?

Wow. That actually sounds more promising than the stuff dad used to make us when mom was working on a saturday. Do you remember the butter beans? With maple syrup? And canned sardines on crackers (though that actually does sound much better to me now than it did then)? Nice effort. I find that cooking is a matter of practice. Maybe you should try your creativity more often....

xo

now THIS is chocolate shrimp

:)

I will never look at cumin the same way again!!!!

Please Danny. For the Love of everything that is Good. Never go near the stove again. Never. I mean it.
Want my Chili recipe? I has beer in it.

Hah. My Mom used to leave town and we'd have "Daddy's famous hot dogs" and "Daddy's famous fish." What makes these masterpieces you ask? Why microwaved hot dogs with melted cheese on them. No buns. And you know those frozen breaded fish patties? He'd put those in the oven. And oh yes...melt cheese on them. YUM! Mmmm I needs me some Daddy's famous hot dogs tonight!!

oh. ick. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Too gross.

Really, Danny, at least you try, bless your little heart. I hate cooking and my whole family knows it. I married my husband because he can (and does) cook, and very well. Anything I do is just glorified 'heating up'.

gross. I should know better than to read this before, during, or after eating. if only you had stopped at paprika...

Hilarious!! Chocolate covered shrimp! At least you ordered a pizza, my Dad would have made us eat it!! Thanks for another great post! :)

Chocolate covered shrimp, that is really gross but major kudos to the boy for trying it. Definite points for creativity!

Whenever my mom was out of town my dad always resorted to sauteed Pierogi's, hotdogs or kielbasa on the grill. I hated when she wasn't around to cook, thankfully it wasn't often.

Oh, and please step far away from the stove.

Dude..there is the nifty show on cable. Its called the Food Network. Watch it. And learn.

And now excuse me while I go find a tissue to wipe away the tears of laughter that overwhelmed me while reading about your culinary choco-shrimp masterpiece.

As I read this I just continued to envision a really bad episode of "Iron Chief", and the mystery ingredient was chocolate?

That is frigging nasty. Maybe Hot Wife should get you some cooking classes for your birthday (or at least teach you how to read a fecking cookbook).

my fiance has perfected cooking, it's called "ME".
As in, honey, why don't you make dinner tonight you're so gooooooood at it... Okay? And I'll do the dishes.
Then after dinner: "honey, I'm kind of tired. Let's just do the dishes tomorrow."
Yes, "LET'S.

Wow, chocolate shrimp. At east you are creative.

As another terrible cook, I feel your pain. But for the love of shellfish, where did chocolate come into the equation? I wouldn't have been as creative as you with spicing the shrimp (so you MUST have a little bit of Emeril on you!), but I would have tried cooked pasta with butter and garlic salt in lieu of chocolate.

I know I just threw-up a little in my mouth.

Who the hell takes seafood and puts in chocolate? If you really don't cook then why try such a disgusting mix. How about grilled cheese and soup or mac and cheese or pancakes - but chocolate on shrimp - that's just gross.

Actually, one of the Next Food Network Star Contestants made chocolate covered Tilapia. It is very good. They have it on the menu at Red Lobster, which is where you should go next time....
Also, has Hot Wife heard of a thing called "Super Suppers" or anything to that nature? All you have to do is heat it up. You could impress the hell out of your kids next time!!

Nice try, my husband screws things up royally that he doesn't want to do either...Wink Wink!

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth when I was reading that. You had me 'til you added cumin (my least favorite spice), but garlic powder and a little salt and pepper makes anything taste better. But the chocolate? C'mon man! no warning bells went off with that choice? No smoke alarm? Yikes! Big ups to your kid for trying it, though.

Wow. Not sure what you were thinking but I'm glad you shared it with the rest of us.

I started chuckling very early on... but the cumin (cum-in) made me laugh out loud, much to the dismay of my tweenager son who thinks I'm a nutcase, and always asks me what I'm laughing at, but I could (would) NOT tell him this time. Anyway, that was hysterical. Who would've thought chocolate WOULDN'T be good on everything?? Ahahaa... ho, lordy. Reminds me of a friend of mine who had a father who would deep fry hot dogs (we were in North Carolina. You can deep fry almost anything, but even hot dogs is pushing it) when their mom went out. Took mom years to figure out why the kids always had tummy aches when she went out.

Oh, the tears! So hilarious! Awesome story.

Wow... My dad used to do stuff like this to us when I was little, and I'm STILL scared (at 28) whenever he invites me to dinner. It got to the point where my mom would pre-order takeout or stock up on TV dinners for us if she was going to be gone, and even then, he'd try to "spice things up" or "just add this for flavor". {{shudder}}
Thanks for the flashback!

Why is the guy go-to always pizza. We're Jews. What about ordering chinese? that's what I always do in a pinch. But I give you an A for effort and I think you should have told those ungrateful children that you made them a special Mexican Mole sauce. It's yummy and exotic.

Chocolate chips in the refrigerator?

did you really and truly put chocolate chips in shrimp? I'm so afraid but so...intrigued.

I just tried one of my husband's grill recipes last night and you will love it and it will make you look like the Grill King of the West.

1. Take a package of johnsonville or other, uncooked Brats. (sausages, not whiny children).
2. Put them in a disposable aluminum pan, cover w/ sliced onion, and pour a BEER on top. Any beer will do. Cover w/ tin foil tightly.
3. Place on grill, over direct med/hi heat, for about 15-20 mins, till the beer is really boiling well.
4. Remove brats w/ tongs, place on grill grate over indirect hear for a few minutes, till they brown. leave the aluminum pan on the grill to cook the onions down further in their nice, toasty beer bath.
5. serve on grinder roll w/ mustard (pref. spicy) and onions on top. side of whatever prepared cold salad (macaroni, potato) you like from your grocer. or potato (not chocolate) chips.

Seriously so easy and soooo good. As long as you don't add chocolate chips till dessert. :)

Sorry, but I still can't stop laughing. Chocolate covered shrimp? Cumin AND paprika? Hee hee! Next time, check out allrecipes.com -- I swear they can do miracles.

But really, you made that up, didn't you?

Ramen, my friend...no one can screw up ramen.

Best line ever: In the freezer I found a staple of most Jewish households: a bag of frozen, pre-peeled shrimp.

Although, I'm thinking that fried shrimp dipped in chocolate might not be so bad...

That would be the equivalent of a woman pouring soy sauce into the gas tank because it looks like gasoline.

You are lying. There is no way that anyone would coat a seafood item in chocolate, call it dinner, and feed it to children. Your next post will be about how gullible your readership is, save for Laurie, who does not believe you.

Recently, my mom came to Chicago to visit me and on the first night my dad called her in a tizzy. It seemed that the pie crust he was about to use for his quiche looked a little large. My mom asked him what type of pie crust it was...to which he responded, "Well, it is a graham cracker crust. Why?" Icky! She told him to open up the freezer and grab one of those pie crusts instead.

Can you imagine that combination? Graham cracker quiche...an American twist on a French favorite.

I knew at the point of "bag of frozen shrimp" it was going to be bad, very bad. Bleck.

And man, chocolate on shrimp? Either you truly are a total fucktard in the kitchen or you're pulling our leg.

You're culinary skills leave me speechless... It's difficult to mess up ordering pizza!

Forget Bobby Flay. Aim for Rachael Ray. Or Sandra Lee.

I'm with Michelle. Ramen is your friend.

Ramen, a handful of cut vegetables from the salad bar, and a half package of pre-cooked, pre-cut chicken breast tenders from the deli section and you're good to go. Your kids will eat it and you'll have made both of the FN divas proud.

Just like every good jewish household, huh? A bag of shrimp? No Cohn's mini-hot dogs in blankets or Hebrew National bullet salami? Mini quiche? Because you should always be ready for a few guests or a small Bar Mitzvah to come over for a drink.

That? Is THE most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life!! OMG that's chocolate abuse!! LOL

Oh. My. This puts you on par with Dave Barry. Seriously. You're better than Dave Barry.

Yah, I think I might have to second and third the whole Ramen concept - even though it tends to turn my stomach MORE than the chocolate and cumin shrimp. But the kids will love it *wink*

Yeah...I can't cook either. But chocolate covered shrimp? Even I wouldn't have tried THAT! LOL Awesome post...as usual!

OMG, that sounds terrible! You seriously need some cooking help, my friend. Check this out!

www.recipezaar.com

And here is a link to 75 simple, kid pleasing, shrimp recipes.

http://www.recipezaar.com/recipes.php?q=shrimp&ls=re&categ=141%2C161

I beg of you, for your off spring's sake, look for an actual recipe next time. If you can read (and I know you can), you can cook. Let me know if I can help.

Oh my good lord, I think what you tried to feed your children may have violated some abuse laws in over 30 states!

OK...when you reached for the chocolate chips, I nearly spit coffee on my screen.

NOOOOOOO!

Just reading that I was gagging. I normally would have left the page, but I just HAD to find out how that ended.

Chocolate and shrimp, huh? NOW that's a combination!

Okay, gotta go, the gagging started again.

Danny,

It all in the name- It wasn't Chocolate cover shrimp. It was Evan's Family shrimp Mole.

Cookbooks are what people like you should use in order not to have CPS come and take the kids away.

One word for you , Danny - TEQUILA! When in doubt, dance things up with tequila for cryin' out loud, NOT chocolate! Ever seen a chocoalte chip on your dinner plate? Ever seen a shrimp on the dessert cart? Even in non-Jewish restaurants, there are no shrimps on the dessert cart! When you want to get creative in the kitchen, assuming Hot Wife lets you do anything but crack a beer in there from here on out, splash in a little liquor! Tequila, white wine, brandy, whatever - they'd all work just fine in shrimp! And it has the added bonus of knocking the wee ones out shortly after the meal so you can have some peace and quiet! The Champ gets a gold star for putting anyhting that foul in his mouth!

My favorite part is when you pooped it in your mouth, then counted one-two, two chews.

I also forgot to say they were pre-cooked shrimp, yes??? yikes....

Okay, that is totally hysterical. I can totally see this whole thing playing out. The kids probably got what they wanted out of it anyway when the pizza came, and you got a really funny story!

GAH-ROSSSS Funny stuff though Danny! My husband can't cook either but I don't even think he'd do something like this...but I could be wrong LOL

Oh I say Nay-Nay to the poster who said no one can screw up Ramen's. My husband cooked them for our daughter about 12 minutes, drained all the water out, dumped in the entire spice packet, when she complained they were too strong and mushy he took them and tried to rinse them off under the faucett - GROSS - but still doesn't compare to chocolate frozen shrimp.

Although I believe I have a great deal more success than you in the kitchen and on the grill, no words strike greater fear in the hearts of the children than...

Oh, you'll love it, I tried something different this time!

PLEASE tell me that this was a made-up story?!

now that is funny!!!
you made me choke on yogurt with bacon.

The immediacy of my bile-in-throat reaction to deviled eggs has forever spoiled paprika for me, luckily it seems to be a pretty useless spice.

Fuck these other commenters - You're the next Emeril..or maybe the next Rachel Ray at least...

I'm sure you're over this post by now, but I gotta say you had me laughing with this one. People say I'm a really good cook (unless they're just trying to make me feel good. Then they can all just go to hell) but I can't imagine anyone being able to pull off chocolate covered shrimp. But you know, at least you tried! You put thought into it and wanted to make it taste good. I think it *would* have been good if you would have stopped at the cumin. And by the way, it's like coo-men. It adds a smokey flavor. And it's also a slang term for female climax when you pronounce it your way.

I don't even know what to say.

This might actually make it in our town. Taste is not a factor - portion size is the only variable that seems to matter here in Georgia...

I can't cook. Seriously. I can't make KD. That's why I married my husband...he can cook.
I have no idea what chocolate covered shrimp would taste like, but I'm betting it looked like a plate o' poop.

I can't cook. Seriously. I can't make KD. That's why I married my husband...he can cook.
I have no idea what chocolate covered shrimp would taste like, but I'm betting it looked like a plate o' poop.

I hope Gordon Ramsey doesn't ready your blog. He'd fucking kill you. And I REALLY hope you were putting on a little for us, but it was damn funny. And good job to boy wonder for even attempting it. My kids would have told me to go straight to hell LOL