I don't remember how I stumbled upon Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper, but I do recall thinking (after a sentence or two) I had found a precious internet gem. For the first few months that I followed Crystal Ross-McKee's site, I laughed out loud every time. Then, after she was hospitalized following a suicide attempt, the tone of her site drifted into awe-inspiring new territory as she detailed her remarkable life. She's a great writer with an incredible story to tell. And still funny as hell.

Hi. I'm Crystal. I'm all a'twitter to be here because Danny's my blog hero and he has a nice place. It's pretty here and I may never go home. Ooh, look! A jelly bean!

...........

Ok, so I don't think that was a jelly bean. Moving right along.

Maybe it's because I was still carrying around a Snoopy doll when I was ten and mowing my Mom down to get to the television for Saturday morning cartoons, but I find it terrifying how quickly our kids are having to mature. My daughter came in from playing this weekend, looking despondent. "What's up, baby squirrel?" I asked.

She sighed. "Oh, it's nothing. I don't think Jason wants to play with me, any more."

I continued feeding my toddler, Harmony, her oatmeal and nodded for Virginia to go on.

"He thinks we spend too much time together. He said he needed space."

I stopped and stared at her for a full thirty seconds. Harmony opened her mouth and grunted while pointing to her tonsils. When that didn't work, she began shrieking, "Mo! Mo! Mo, Mama!" I finally came back to reality and continued shoveling food in her face while I questioned Virginia. "Wait, Jason? Jason who's, what, five? Six?"

"Yeah, six." She flung herself on the sofa and draped one hand across her forehead. I fully expected her drawl about having a case of the vapors.

"V, wait. What brought this on?"

"Well, I told him I needed more of a commitment from him because Allison likes him and I don't want her to steal him from me."

I was staring, again. Harmony sneezed and showered me in oatmeal bits. She chuckled and patted her protruding tummy like this was all just splendidly entertaining.

"Commitment? Oh, no. No, no, no," I said.

"It's okay, I think. He said he doesn't like Allison because she doesn't recycle so I feel strongly that we're going to make it through this."

"Oh, my God. You're eight. You're supposed to be eating your boogers and playing hop- scotch."

Virginia scowled at me. "Mom, I'm not a baby. I mean, we're not kissing or anything-"

I plugged my fingers in my ears and began chanting, "La la la la la la! Can't hear you!"

Harmony plugged hers, grinning wildly. "Ah ya ya ya ya ya ya! Shit! Shit, shit, shit!"

"Stop saying 'shit', Harmony, no matter how appropriate it is." I turned to Virginia. "And you. Go to your room and eat a crayon. Go!"

Later that evening, I was driving home from the grocery store and my fifteen-year-old, Devon, was riding shotgun and madly text messaging. I glanced over. "Devon, call me crazy, but isn't the purpose of having a phone to actually have a conversation with someone? I mean, why didn't I just get you a Raspberry?"

"Blackberry, Mom," he corrected without looking up. "And I do talk to people."

"You talk to me when you need money."

"Exactly." His fingers continued their dance across his keypad.

"I should just push you out of the car. Well, who are you texting?"

"Troy. He's being a douche."

"Nice. Why do you say that?"

"He won't come pick me up. He's telling me to call someone and see if I can get a ride."

"Oh."

He pushed a few more buttons and held the phone up to his ear.

"Yay, you're calling someone! Who are you calling?" I asked.

"Troy. He told me to call someone for a ride. So, I'm calling him."

"What is so important about getting wherever it is you're trying to go?"

"Because I need to be there. He's trying to date Jamie and that's not cool."

"He's trying to date your girlfriend? Really not cool."

"No, Jamie and I broke up."

I was trying desperately to follow along. "So, if you broke up...?" I looked at him, puzzled.

"We still see each other. We have an understanding."

Oh, dear jumping Jehosephat, my brain screamed.. My fifteen-year-old has a 'friend with benefits'.

When we pulled into the driveway, I ordered Devon to go immediately to Virginia's room, immediately. "What for?" he asked me.

"You have some crayons to eat."

Comments

I am so telling my kids to eat crayons the next time one of them tries to be too mature. Imagine my horror when my 1st grader was kissing a boy last year. And not just any boy, a boy named Rodney. I tried to explain to her that it is never a good idea to date boys named Rod....

Funny, I can remember being in the 8th grade (so, 13 maybe?) and grossing out when a boy tried to "french" me. How the times have changed. My four year seems to have quite a grip on relationships and my 5 year old son aggressively hits on any pretty girl with big boobs. I am in for trouble, I can see.

I have been reading Crystal's blog for a long time and I agree with Danny. She is funny as hell even when she is telling the most difficult story. Truly a gem.

Before long, Harmony will be telling you she wants French tips.

I wish that eating crayons really would help turn the clocks back a little.

It's been a few days since something I've read on a blog has caused me to laugh out loud.....loudly enough to get the spawn to come running to see what's up. That "go eat a crayon" line did it for me. I may just have to use that next time my six going on sixteen year old daughter talks about her "boyfriends". Oi vey.

LMAO, I love you Crystal <3 In a non-stalker way, of course

Don't take this the wrong way, Danny, but don't come back. This series of guest spots is the best Bobdamn thing running on the Internet these days. Keep it going, woooooo!

And, ok, invite yourself, too.

Crystal, you have a 15 year old and an eight year old and a toddler. Technically, that makes you the bravest person in the world. So what advice do you have for a man whose daughter is 11 and could easily go by the nickname Princess Sarcasmo Of The West?

Signed,

Flummoxed in Fontana

Oh, I hear ya on the "growing up too fast" thing. My 12 year old tells me 2 of her classmates were dating and I'm all like, "DATING?!? How can they 'date?' They can't even go anywhere without mom and dad driving them. What all does this 'dating' entail?" That's just too much for this former geek who got the willies holding a boy's hand until she was fifteen to handle.

"Oh, dear jumping Jehosephat" HILARIOUS! I haven't heard that in foreverrrr. I have been reading you for awhile now - I just don't ever comment (I'm confident you understand a girls fear). Love your work though - can't wait till you get an agent and get a book out.

Dear Flummoxed in Fontana,

Do the same thing I'm doing when they turn 11: boarding school. Barring that, there's always alcohol.

Seriously, I was a major bitch when I was 11 and it lasted until I was fifteen. My mother should have drowned me and I wouldn't have blamed her. I think it's just a right of passage. Here's to hoping yours is the exception, rather than the rule.

Crystal

Yes, they are growing up way too fast these days.

Hell, my 8 year old who just got out of grade 2 (GRADE TWO!!!) told me that there were a couple of kids in her class dating....um...seriously....how do they learn that that young? OMG!!! What's it going to be like for her (OR ME!) in middle school...not to mention my oldest just HIT middle school this coming September...and I am soooo not looking forward to dances and the such....sigh. Thankfully, I bought some "real" vodka coolers in Canada and brought them home with me this week (none of this "malt beverage vodka" for me!)...alcohol will get me through this...

Crystal, you're my hero.

And DAMN you're pretty :)

*storing up the crayon line for future use*

I knew I was in trouble when my 22 month old DS totally checked out some girl's arse when we were on holiday recently. Well, either that or he was trying to work out just how to shove her so she'd fall over (she was crouched down). I'm praying it was the latter!

xMx

I ate a steady diet of crayons growing up (Indian Red was a favorite) and let me tell you, it works. I'm 39 and immature as hell! Seriously, it's the t.v. and shit; it's hard to keep your kids their age when you've got 16 year olds having babies (Jamie Lyn, anyone???. Right now I'm having trouble explaining to The Captain why some adults drink beer and smoke cigarettes when school has been hammering into him that smoking and drinking is BAD. AND...my 9 year old has TWO girlfriends; both named "Tiffany" and they are best friends. Makes it convienent, yes?

Crystal in more than one place - YES! Feeding my addiction to not working while at work. Rock on!

OMG WarCryGirl...I was reading Crystal's guest post and thinking "Indian Red was my FAVE...to colour with OR eat! LMAO! Crystal and Dan's blogs usually make me so veryveryveryvery thankful I was unable to conceive...but every once in a while they hit me with an entry that sooooo makes me ache for sticky hugs or that baby powder sweet baby smell (nothin' like it, is there..when the diaper is empty?)

This was the former! Thankful in Ontario....

Um, crayons are good, and they add color to poop.

Warcrygirl, I picked up an invaluable line of argument from my uncle on that. First off, explain the concept of "moderation." Second, when they whine, "If you can do it why can't I?" begin the following litany:
"Can you drive a car?"
"Do you have a job?"
"Do you pay rent/mortgage?"
"Can you go grocery shopping by yourself?" etc., etc.
"Right. So, grown-ups do different things than kids do, and that's why there are different rules." This also works for cussing, mind you.

Oh, I remember those days. How funny. Just enjoy them.

I love it! My babies are 7 and 5 and discovered body parts recently...not their own...that started in the bathtub at age 6 mo. The opposite sex body parts. My seven year old started a "No Boobs" club with his BF. He told me about it and I sent him to his room for knowing was boobs are....I don't care if I breastfed or not....that's too much knowledge!

Hilarious! Such a great read!

Crystal, you rock... I love Dan for introducing me to your blog. (My darling four-year-old son, BTW, woke up last week one day last week and decided to impersonate a 13-year-old with a 'tude. He has started saying "what-EVER, Mom" when I ask him to do things like, you know, take off his nighttime Pull-ups and put on his underwear.)

My now 7 year old had 2 girlfriends in PRESCHOOL! GAH! And my 9 year old started in on "Well so and so I going out with so and so but she really wants to be with this other guy so she's going to break up with so and so....." I was driving at the time and almost wrecked! I told him that he was not allowed to date till he was out of school!

That was too funny! If you have another one, boy or girl, you may want to name them Crayola.

Hello, new blog obsession!
As for rapidly aging children, I have none of my own, but lots of experience working with kids, and may I just say thanks for bringing that topic up.

Thankfully my 10 year old is still very confused and slow to pick up on these things, although I do see the "pick up" getting faster and faster every day. He's still trying to figure out why men have nipples.

I got nothing.

Love your writing, I see spending a lot of time at your blog.

--Anissa
www.hope4peyton.org

Crytal,

As usual, you rock. (Do they still say that? I want to be "cool" and all that!)

GREAT PHOTO! You should post it on YOUR blog.

I am a mom to 2 girls, 18 and 20 and I wish I could tell you that things get easier. But, ummmm, no. As a matter of fact when they DO get old enough to move out, it just means that you have more bills to pay, more cars to fix, more groceries to buy to go to more places, etc. etc. And you can't smack them upside the head when they do something stupid anymore, 'cause they just might hit back.

Other than that, it is great....

Kandi

Oh, my. Found a new blog to leach onto. Two, actually. Read Crystal's blog and comments, and found warcrygirl, who also made me laugh out loud. Thanks, DGM! But looking forward to your return, as well...

I'm so glad my boys are not into girls yet. We have just the opposite problem at our house - I had to sign an apology note that my son wrote and had to return to school: "Girls, I am sorry I spit on the ball and threw it at you."

Although mortified at this behavior, I was a little glad that the drama of girls is still a ways away.

LOVE your blog, Crystal!

Crystal I've been reading you for ages and although I loved this post ... what is more shocking is that YOU'RE A BRUNETTE! I totally pictured you as a blonde! Oh man, that may come across as offensive in some circles but I just KNEW you had yellow hair and blue eyes. And man, I was TOTALLY WRONG! You are GORGEOUS and funny and an amazing mom and so damn funny! Thanks for guest blogging.

Danny, you're great 'n all .... but you've got some stiff competition with these guest bloggers.

<3 you all!

S

YAY! Crystal in two places!!!!!!!!!!
Loved the post... wiping coffee off the screen now with the crayon thingy! hahahahah!
My son is 17 and thinks his GF is "THE ONE". It just makes us cry we laugh so hard over all their daily drama. yesterday on the long drive home from San Antonio he was all hissing the backseat "Shelby.. im sorry. Ididnt mean to hang up and forget to say sweetheart. No. Shelby. SHELBY LISTEN. ....." we were trying so hard not to die laughing.
And texting.. um.. his dad just cut off his texting two days ago for a while.. apparently 1,000 is too many? I dont know. I have NO idea what the hell that is all about!?!?! i can barely manage to figure out how to get my voice mail messages listened to!!!!!

OMG, that was friggin' hilarious. I'm at work and was trying not to laugh out loud...ooh and I almost tinkled my pants, but don't tell anyone.

i love that not recycling is a total deal breaker for virginia. hilarious. at least she's environmentally responsible!

I just told my 16mo and my 3yo to go eat crayons. Just practicing. They however, needed no further urging.

i'm so glad i didn't grow up in these times. hell, i knew boys were around. but didn't want to have too much to do with them until i got to highschool. but i sure remember the drama of having to change into a gym suit for gym class with all the other girls, who had boobs, and i didn't. that did change in time, the boobs finally appeared, and boys noticed me then. i didn't get the double d's my mom had, just regular old c's. :)
ps. and yes i agree crystal you are brave, but i'm going to ask a personal question? when you met chris was virginia around? keep up the good work, i woke up tonight, just so i could read your guestpost! i need to work on homework, but maybe i'll just go back to bed. and go to school early tomorrow, and just do it there. (plus school has a printer that works, and is free)

My son is 8 years old and just got his first blowjob - does it count if it's from the dog?

Ha! I call my girls squirrels too!

Mila, my 5 year old, wants to go to Alabama and stay with some guy she met at the beach (who is 5 as well). Whatever! I will so not let her date someone from Alabama unless he is rich!

Damn! Maybe it is a good thing that I don't have kids. But I do agree with you that they grow up way too soon nowadays. I don't think I really had an interest in boys until I was in 7th grade. Did the food manufacuters start putting Miracle Grow in there Cherrios?

Great post!

I read Crystal's blog religiously and she is all kinds of awesome. I have a girlfriend whose 7-year-old daughter eats her boogers, too. I have to send her a link to this page!

Wow, now I see how picking boogers is a much better option than many other activities school children might partake in.

Crystal... I love you in a stalker kind of way. Seriously... I am following you from blog to blog. :)

s.r., sorry for the late response..yes, V was around when Chris and I met. She was 4.