See this chick on the right? She used to be a pretty big deal out here on the web. Lots of fans, lots of pictures of herself, lots of naughty words in her posts. Then one day she was gone. We cried. We deleted her bookmark. We sought therapy. But lo and behold, The Artist Formerly Known As Rockstar Mommy has resurfaced. She's alive! And she's writing about killing people again!

Kitten Killer
by The Artist Formerly Known As Rockstar Mommy

When I was in 9th grade, I proudly handed in an English paper that I had worked hard on for days. I was confident it was my best piece of writing so far, definitely worthy of an A. So, when I was handed it back the very next day with a bright red D across the top page, of course my natural reaction was to squeal out, "What the hell is this shit?" right in the middle of class.

Not that it needs to be said, but I also never received a single good behavior report during my entire 12 schooling years. Shocking, I know.

After class was over, he told me, "This is probably this single best paper I've read from one of my 9th graders during the entire time I've been teaching." And considering that he was, like, 100 (give or take a decade), I knew that really meant something.

So why the shit grade?

"But," he continued, "I asked for an essay on The Catcher In The Rye."

"And?"

"And," he said, pinching his nose where he had just removed his glasses, "you handed in an editorial on the effects on teenagers of violence in the news media."

"Okay," I said, obviously not seeing the problem, "but it's a good paper."

"I know it's a good paper, which is the only reason that you received a D and not an F. You see, you're a talented writer, I think this piece could even be published in something like the TV Guide today. But, you completely ignored the assignment I gave you."

"I know," I tried to explain. "But I couldn't do the assignment. I tried. I mean, I read the Catcher In The Rye. I did that much, but I hated it so much. And when I tried to write about it, all it made me want to do was, well, I dunno... kill kittens."

"Kill kittens?" he asked somewhat nervously.

"Well, no - I didn't exactly WANT to kill kittens. But that's the point. You see, I saw on the news the other day that this guy had, I dunno, something like 47 cats in his house and they started having babies and when he couldn't keep up with how much they were multiplying, he started killing them himself by drowning them or putting them in trash bags and releasing random chemicals into the bag so that they would die-"

"Jesus!" he said, stopping me from going on.

"I know, trust me, I had the same exact reaction. I mean, what kind of person would do something like that? Where would he even get that sort of an idea? He had to be completely twisted to be able to actually go through with it."

"Well," he said, obviously uncomfortable with the conversation. "At least we agree on something."

"Anyway, I finished The Catcher In The Rye. And I couldn't help but hate it. I hated it so much, in fact, that I literally thought to myself I wish I could punch Holden Caulfield right in the fucking face. And for a few minutes, I actually got mad. And then the kitten killing guy popped in my head. So, essentially, The Catcher In The Rye made me, for just a brief moment-"

He interrupted me again, "Want to kill kittens?"

"Exactly! But had I not seen the report on the kitten killing guy a few days prior, the thought would have never popped in my head to begin with. I mean, I didn't WANT to kill any kittens. I love kittens. I'm a HUGE fan. But still, that story popped in my head when I got angry. And that's how I was inspired to write about the effects of violence in the media on teenagers."

He was silent for a few moments and I wasn't sure if he wanted to run or call security. Instead, he actually raised my grade from a D to a C. He said that he didn't know whether I was bullshitting him or not. But he explained that if the story was true, I had still put a lot of effort into it, and while I still needed to complete the actual assignment, he felt that I deserved something for my work. And if it was bullshit, he continued on, than I was one of the most convincing liars he had ever met and he hoped that the raising of the grade would encourage me to pursue a career in either law or politics. Or both. I, of course, didn't care either way, I had just successfully talked my way up a grade and didn't land myself in the nurse's station for a mental evaluation in the process. Rim shot.

So why do I tell you this story today? Well, because when Danny emailed me and asked me to guest post for him, I think I said something along the lines of, "Dude, I haven't blogged in almost 6 months. What the hell am I supposed to write about on your site?" To which he responded with, "Write about anything. Write about quitting blogging. Write about food allergies. Write about looking like Mandy Moore. I don't care. It's up to you, biatch."

And after I was able to successfully put out the flames which had engulfed my head, guess what I thought of.

That's right, Danny, you have succeeded in joining the ranks of Holden Caulfield and being annoying enough to make me want to kill kittens. Congratulations. I'm sure it's quite the honor.

Comments

Welcome back, The Artist Formerly Known As Rockstar Mommy. We'd much rather look at your photo than "Writer's Block/Constipated Dan's" any day.

And when PETA comes knocking over this post, I've got your back.

Woohooo! RSM! SO. Very. Cool to "see" you again!

It's great to read you again. This was a fantastic piece.

It is good to read some of your writing again. Hope all is doing well with your family.

This was really good. I was a wimp in HS. I hate, hate, hated to read Shakespeare. I couldn't have eeee-ven bullshitted my way out. I took a zero on Julias Caesar and Cleo. RSM, you really do...(pardon the funny)ROCK!!

First, welcome back. You've been missed!

Second, I hated Catcher in the Rye, too. I can't say it made me want to kill kittens, but yeah, hate.

Lastly, you look amazing! And, nothing like Mandy Moore.

In honor of you and to fill the huge gap in my life since you stopped blogging, I've made it a personal mission to watch every single Mandy Moore film ever made.

I think I've watched two so far.

And my entire college career --- all seven loooong years of it --- was spent bullshitting my papers. Except I never had as good an explanation as that, haha.

Bravo! It's so nice to read your words again K. This post reminds me of everyone's favorite high school gal: Cher from Clueless who was an expert at talking herself into some better grades.

More please.

O.K., is it just me? Or has anyone else noticed that 90% of Danny's guest posters are insanely hot women? Is there something we should know here, Dan?

So. I was a regular reader of your blog and so very thrilled just to see that you were guest posting here. But what thrills me even more is that you, too, hated that book. I tell people I hate it, and they look at me like tentacles have just sprouted from my eye sockets. I feel so vindicated. I know ONE other person who hates that book. One. So thank you.

Great piece!!!

Has RSM ever thought of resuming blogging?

Here, Kitty, Kitty

Great post! After the day I had yesturday, I want to go and kill some kittens...

RSM, long time reader/lurker of yours. OK, I'll admit it ... I still occasionally check in to the RSM blog ... just in case.

Anyway ... awesome to see you again! (And just in case anyone is counting, I too, hated Catcher in the Rye.)

Thank you for posting. Miss you. Lots.

ITS RSMMMMMMMMM

sob:O(

Wow, he must be super annoying.

Ok got THAT out of my system... it has been laying there for SIX.LONG.MONTHS.WOMAN!!

It is great that you are back, even AS a guest blogger! You have been missed, along with that mix of sassyness, and cleverness you entertained with all the time!!

Hot. Violent. Psychotic mental associations. My head just exploded.

Why oh WHY didn't I know about Rockstar Mommy BEFORE she quit blogging? Loved it. (And I'm a TOTAL cat person.) Guess I gotta go be satisfied with archived posts from Rockstar Mommy!

Whew! When I read the headline I thought you meant killing kittens in the fark cliche sense of the word but now I see it is just your regular twisted mind ;)
Great to have you back chica and how do you hate Catcher in the Rye? That is like so not emo.

Glad to see you're thinking of the kittens..
Also, hysterical post. I've always secretly admired the rule breakers!

The memories of the ramblings of a cocky, I have something to say and it's important - at least to me- and that's all that matters , self important teen.

I can excuse the shallowness of the teen and the unbecoming self-congratulation of pulling one over the old teacher.

It appears the key point in this post is SSDD.

and now i can't stop picturing this psycho spraying carpet cleaner or bug spray into a trash bag to see if it would kill the kitten. thanks for sharing biatch!

Interesting, I've always spelled it beeyach. I've got a lot of thinking to do.

casimer, are you trying to be a douche bag troll? congrats, you did it! here's your cookie!

In a related post to my last comment.

Who IS this Danny.

If what writes is a reflection , even in a minor way, of his character/personality, it seems like he is stuck with a 15 year old mind pandering to the baseness of his women guest posters and his readers.

At least after reading this dribble , the decision is easy - one less blog for the RSS Feed.

I think if you WERE still writing your blog, I'd have to stalk you.

George - my thoughts exactly. DGM is like that guy you sorta kinda knew but hanged out with anyway cause you were sure that somehow he'd have the hot chicks around him. DGM, can I get you another beer?

Rockstar - loved this post, thanks for coming back! This made me think... how is it that I have absolutely NO recall of EVER having to write a paper in high school. I remember walking through the halls ripping the levis tag off everyones jeans and trying to avoid that weird chick with the trailing eye who thought I looked like Bo Duke... but I don't think I ever wrote a paper. May explain my repeating english a couple of times...

-- this comment took me 5 minutes to write cause I had to keep scrolling up the top right - gaze a moment - then scroll back down ;)

RSM makes me want to kill kittens in a FARK.com sort of way.

So glad you came back, even for one day. I miss stalking your blog.

The 12-year-old you would have scared the hell out of 12-year-old me.

"I heard that she and the English teacher killed kittens together, and that's how she got an A in his class...."

"No way. I heard that she punched some kid in the face..."

"No, she wanted to punch him in the face, but that's when the teacher came along and talked her into going to kill kittens instead."

Is this guest appearance all we are going to get or are you going to be coming back to the blogging world RSM?

holy shit! RSM! yay! totally unrelated, but my family and I ordered pizza last night for the first time in almost a year (food allergy issues) and I couldn't help but think of you. I miss you and your blog, but I hope your "new" life (blog-free) is treating you and your family extreamly well :)

Too funny, RSM! Thanks so much for articulating exactly how I've been feeling towards Danny all week.

"casimer, are you trying to be a douche bag troll? congrats, you did it! here's your cookie!
Posted by: kitty | July 11, 2008 "

Kitty - First, nice language. Second, no I am not being a troll. I am simply stating my opinion. Third, your sarcasm is juvenile.

Yay, Rockstar Mommy - so glad to hear from you again. I mean, I think I am... Kitten Killer? yeah, anyway - hope your okay.

"Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in." -- Michael Corleone I MEAN RSM

Too bad I missed the boat on RSM's blog. I think I'm in love in nearly every sense of the word. Or is that "words". I dunno, I can't think clearly.

I loved Catcher in the Rye but somehow I've now been convinced to punch Holden Caulfield in the fucking face.

Is it weird to miss a blogger you don't really know? Glad to read you're alive, and hopefully well!

It's nice to know that someone hated Catcher in the Rye as much as I did.

Yayyyyyyyyy! Recover.... So great to hear from you RSM! How have you been? How are the kids? What are you up to for the summer? You can't just drop by like this without filling us in a little bit - we missed you!

So, Danny was SUPPOSED to mention that the rsm blog shutdown is completely 100% permanent and that I cringe at the site of the name and would prefer not to be referred to as such. BUT, the flaming attention-whore that he is (or maybe just a little stupid?) completely ignored that. SHOCKER! :P

Anyway, hi internets! We have much to catch up on. Life is awesome, thank you to those who have inquired since I closed up shop.

There is the possibility of a new blog in the near future. However, it will not in any way be RSM (in name or in content). The life of personal-blogging for me is happily over. I'm not the same person I was when I started that site and genuinely dislike being associated with the name. I hope that in time, the people who know me from my site -all 3 of you- come to know me better as The Girl Who Blogged For A While And Then Unplugged To Live A Better Life And Become A Better Person And Returned A Changed Woman. But I guess it's not nearly as catchy, so I'll understand if you don't.

Now I know how Vanilla Ice feels. (There's a sentence I never thought I would be able to say.)

So, hi to everyone. Hope you're all well. And maybe, just maybe, I'll see you all soon.

xoxo

You are sorely missed, RSM! Especially your lovely photography!!

If you come back, let me know, please!

Oh how I've missed you!!!!! If you ever start blogging again, you HAVE to email me so I know!

That was supposed to say "sight", not "site" (obviously). A girl gets back on the internet ONE time and any and all grammar skills go right out the window.

Welcome back! Please don't leave again - you've been so missed, the girl who prefers to NOT be called RSM! Glad to hear you and yours are all well.
Come back soon!

I wrote a paper in high school about how just because Oscar Wilde was gay didn't mean that he didn't fuck his wife from time to time and that the occasional wife-fucking totally informed his otherwise totally gay writing.

Failed that one.

Great post and I too enjoyed your former blog. It sounds like your doing good...the time you have taken to spend with yourself and your family is priceless. If you do start up another blog I hope you share that with us too!

I think it's very irresponsible to call yourself "Kitten Killer". I realize it's meant to be humorous but it's actually quite disturbing. In a day when we're fighting so hard for animal rights, it's almost unexcusable. You might as well call yourself, "Baby Drowner" or "Infant Smotherer". There's no difference - especially to people whose cats are like their children. It's clear you're an intelligent person so I know you have the ability to come up with a witty name that's less offensive and more conducive to writing without offending your audience. I'm just asking you to think about it.

So glad to see you post again. I read your blog often and was disappointed, but understanding to see it go. Great write. Took me back to the weird science teacher in high school - who literally asked for the same report 5 times(worded differently) and I obliged with the exact same report word for word all five times. He deemed me a genious and bumped me to honors......what a crack head.

Great post, Girl Who Blogged For A While And Then Unplugged To Live A Better Life And Become A Better Person And Returned A Changed Woman! Too bad you were outed by the blog owner under that old name that shall-not-be-mentioned. :) As you know, many of us cannot wait to see you in a new form on whatever sort of blog you choose to start up in the future. I myself am rehabbing my old site, actually getting rid of it, and starting anew. Fresh starts rule!

i probably would have been scared of you in high school :)

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHANGE THE POST NAME TO

"TROLL MAGNET"

FITTING, NO?!!!

People have always loved to hate on the Blogger Formerly Known As... What's up with that?

Has it been 6 months already?

"I think it's very irresponsible to call yourself "Kitten Killer". I realize it's meant to be humorous but it's actually quite disturbing. In a day when we're fighting so hard for animal rights, it's almost unexcusable. "

Yes, it's almost inexcusable, in fact. Lighten up.

Signed,
Infant Smotherer

Hi RSM, er, the person-formerly-known-as-and-now-wants-no-association....ARRRGGHHH!!

I'm going to put the kitten down now...nice and slowly...

K, I think you should name your blog THKLJ, just the beginnings of your names. I've missed you a lot. My husband still has you book marked and he checks your blog like every week. My second daughter still takes our guitar hero guitar and yells "rock star mommy!"

I hope you come back. Even if it's to post once a month. Once a month is better than nothing.

Glad to know everything is OK and that you love the decision that you made.

Missed you, Kristan! Hope everything is going good for you guys.

I had similar experiences in high school. I seriously think homeschooling would have been more productive.

Dear The Girl Who Blogged For A While And Then Unplugged To Live A Better Life And Become A Better Person And Returned A Changed Woman (DUDE, that's LONGGGG),

I was a regular lurker at your old place that shall not be named, and I was sorry to see you close up shop. I hope that you are doing everything that you want to do now and if you do come back to the blogosphere, let us fans know where you land. Hope the family is doing well!

Welcome back, you whore!

Glad to see you're still alive and kickin'. Now, get thine ass back into blogging, lest I have to drive to your house and poop on your lawn!

Mwah!

I'm just glad someone else hates that damn book as much as I do.

K- It's great to read you again! Love the writing, hope you're well, etc., etc.

Wow, the artist formerly known as RSM comes back for a day for a guest blogging gig and still manages to ruffle quite a few feathers. Well done! I miss you and your blog, so I do hope you'll come back to blogging soon! And it's good to hear that you and your family are well.

we "deleted her bookmark"? Err... i didn't. And i still check it every so often. I miss you, RSM! Pleaseeeee come back.

i wish you and your family well, of course. but more selfishly, i really want you to come back.

First of all I am a new blogger. That being said, I can really relate with your thinking on this. I remember back in college when writing papers on seemingly crazy "Universe Story" Environmental topics and not having a clue on what this insane Prof. was talking about in his ravings of space time continuum in worm holes and such. I would give him answers that were just as insane as the question and get A's every time because he could relate to what I was saying. That is what your story brought to my mind. Well written!

First of all I am a new blogger. That being said, I can really relate with your thinking on this. I remember back in college when writing papers on seemingly crazy "Universe Story" Environmental topics and not having a clue on what this insane Prof. was talking about in his ravings of space time continuum in worm holes and such. I would give him answers that were just as insane as the question and get A's every time because he could relate to what I was saying. That is what your story brought to my mind. Well written!

I miss you, RSM! Great to hear from you again!

--Meg from FTTW