I got this email yesterday:

Dear Mr. Evans,

I am a graduate student at [a university in Utah] working on a master’s thesis. I would like to use your story of November 1st, 2005 entitled In Some Countries, People Have Been Shot For Less Than This (about the dad who blocked the goals for his soccer-goalie son who was crying) as an anecdote, however, it would be lovely it I have a little more information. I'm not asking for names, but perhaps a location (city, state)? It would be most helpful. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

[Student’s Name]
Graduate Teaching Assistant
Department of [Stuff] Development
Graduate Research Assistant
Department of [Words Ending in –ology]
Some University In Utah

Over the years, people have used some rather colorful language to describe the content of this site. It (and I) has been called graphic, gruesome, scatological, stupid, not for sensitive eyes, and just plain dumb. On the rare occasions when I reach inside myself and attempt to write something sensitive and human, an entirely different lexicon is summoned. But there’s one word that has never been used to define this drivel.

Educational.

That said, I can see why the student chose that particular entry about which to write. Could be the most insightful thing I’ve ever posted here, as evidenced by this brilliant morsel:

“When you’re a shitty parent in public, everyone notices, no one forgets and some people even tell the whole god-damned internet.”

One shudders to think what this poor young lady is basing her thesis upon. What’s the title? What’s the gist?

“Typos, Gratuitous Profanity and Frivolous Misrepresentation in the Modern American Horseshit That Somehow Passes for Viable Content.”

“The American Male’s Proclivity for Belittling Poor Little Children for His Own Pseudo-Comedic Benefit.”

“The Influence of Relentless Soccer Dads on the Development and Perpetuation of Male Stereotypes.”

Professor, if you’ve come to this site to confirm and verify the references in your grad student’s bibliography, I implore you to consider giving her a grade of “A”.

After you’ve done so, please have her committed. Anyone who would use this web site as a viable source for any information other than things to call a fart (besides "a fart") is clearly in need of psychiatric evaluation.

Comments

Shutter or shudder?

Did you say yes?

That is awesome. That puts you in the same category as Euripides, who I referenced in my thesis.

"Whores. And The Pimps They Call Daddy."

"Sub-par Parenting in 21st Century America and How It Will Unleash a Generation of Whiny Adults."

I tend to say "Kick the shit out of the ball!" at soccer games. Mostly, under my breath, but on one memorable occasion, very loudly. And I was sitting next to some parents known for their intense, conservative religious beliefs. They don't sit next to me anymore. Good.

Blogs have truly come a long way if they're being used as reference material for a thesis. So, congratulations!

I can't believe she addressed you as "Mr. Evans".

Well Mr. Evans, I sincerely hope that you set her in her place and let her know that you would in no way compromise the core of your blog by allowing it to be referenced in something as heinous as an educational paper. Oh the horror!!

It's just flat out scary that people remember things that you wrote two and a half years ago.

Wow. I can only hope that my blog will one day be used for a thesis. It would have to be something like:

"Government Implementation of Involuntary Sterilization of Insane Women"

www.notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com

This has inspired me to drop Biomechanics and instead take Creative Writing so I can write a totally awesome term paper on "Mr. Evans'" bowel movements.

I think you should help her out.

I would consider it a compliment! Shall we start referring to you as The Professor?

Well, why not Mr Evans??!!
I am a graduate student as well (Not THE graduate student, just A graduate student!) and I read your blog everyday. I might know a lot about architecture, or computer, or CAD, or parametric modeling, (Do I sound smart now?) but I have absolutely no idea about the crazy world of parenting. And since some time in the next 20 years or so I might consider having a child, I need to learn things, don't I? And where can I learn better than your blog. Here, I get to laugh a lot, which makes it all less scary.
Unfortunately, I can't write about you in my thesis Danny, unless you let me measure your head and create a 3D model of it. Then we can play with the variables and make you a better, more modern 3D head.

It seems to me, that academia would be more interested in a thesis on your crooked-nipple anatomy.

You know, I've heard that some college kids consume drugs and alcohol. That could be the force behind that letter.

Umm, yeah "some" college kids consume drugs and alcohol....but they don't sound like stuffed-shirt ninnies when they do it.

If that kid was drunk when they wrote that, they must be one heck of a nerd when they're sober! Drunken emails are way more like this:
"yoooooooo old guy! remember that time you wrote about soccer? that shit was funny! ima put it in some big-ass paper i gots to write. check it out! ima email that shit to you when i'm done! wooooooord!"

Next you'll be telling us you've been tapped for Vice Presidential Nominee.

I was emailed back in the spring by a girl in Illinois who was doing some big paper schmaper on "What It Means to be a Redneck." And I don't mean just a CompII writing project - this chick was writing some big career-making thesis on what it means to be a redneck! I bet her parents are so proud.

I was thrilled and at the same time a wee bit embarrassed that out of all of the redneck sites on the internet, she chose mine to document and me to interview. I asked her to send me the paper when it was completed. It was totally weird to see ME in the Works Cited.

Well Professor... I am glad t hear that us guys out here are being read. I don't think that anything that I write should be taken that seriously...but it would be realy cool.

As for the altrnate words for fart:
toot, ass-blast, blowin swamp ass, swamp gas, et. I can send you a whole list if you think it couldbe published :) ha ha ha

Here's a more likely email for you:

Dear Mr. Evans,

I am a future graduate of the Barnum & Bailey Clown College and I need a name for my clown character. It seems names like "Bobo", "Puddles", "Wiggles", and "Toot-toot" have been taken. Is it ok if I use "Ass-Clown" as my official name?

Thanks.
Bobo the Clown

I'm just laughing at how she's going to include that in a paper for a school in UTAH. Not known for their "relaxed view" on life or language. One good "fuck" might get her academic ass tossed. ;)

Hang on hang on just a minute. I thought this site was like a parenting manual. You telling me that's not the case now. You telling me I've been following advice from a doofus (is that how you spell doofus . . . hang on a minute . . . hu, turns out it is. Who knew?)

You had me at "things to call a fart (besides a 'fart')..."