Before my buddies and I go to Vegas, we each pick a new accent to use during our trip. Over the years one or all of us has been German, Israeli, Mexican, Bostonian, New Yorkers, Kazakhstani, and residents of parts unknown. Last weekend, to switch things up, I summoned an old summer camp gag wherein I speak while inhaling. It sounds hilarious, but the activity tends to strip my throat raw in no time flat, which makes it hard to keep going for three days. Also, the voice sounds like it’s coming from someone who has trouble modulating his volume, which gives it the added benefit of psychopathic risk.
All of this is to say that I thought I went to Vegas prepared – some cash, some clothes, some sunscreen and a mysterious speech pattern locked and loaded. But before we even rolled into town I became aware that the city had changed since I last visited, and I wasn’t quite prepared for the revised vibe.
It’s sex. Everywhere. Vegas has always been “Sin City”, wherein delicacies of the flesh are advertised and put on display with nary a hint of apology or modesty. But now that the economy is freefalling, people need a little more encouragement to part with what little cash they have – and nothing makes people spend like sex. Ask the Internet. Ask Hugh Hefner. Shit, ask me!
There was a poster in our hotel elevator promoting a new bar built directly adjacent to the pool. It displayed images of two women – one of them with her head tilted back to take a long drag from a Corona bottle angled just like a penis, and the other pulling a margarita glass from her lips to reveal a margarita mustache that was the same color as male ejaculate. This kind of stuff was everywhere – in the casino, on the billboards, along The Strip where unionized laborers braved the 109-degree swelter to hand out little business cards featuring color photographs of bare-breasted women with their mouths agape, any of whom who would presumably come to one’s room and give him a rusty trombone if he so desired.
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but the constant barrage of suggestive imagery and ready availability of all that flesh got a little old. I’m sure the 20-year-old version of me would kick the current version of my in the ass for daring to say such a thing, but I suppose I’ve finally learned that there’s more to life than pussy. I can’t tell you exactly what more there is, but I feel certain that there is, in fact, more.
To escape Attack Of The Pussy, my boys and our wives filled our bellies with Himalayan food (ever had a sherpa taco?) and went to see a Cirque Du Soliel performance called LOVE at The Mirage, which was without doubt the most incredible thing I’ve seen since the birth of my children. Set to the music of The Beatles, the Cirque performers come to life in ways only someone with a lengthy history of heavy drug use could conjure. What they did to Lucy In The Sky and Revolution alone were worth the price of admission, and if you’re anywhere near Las Vegas I demand that you back away from the diseased prostitute and get to The Mirage to see it.
Back to the Himalayan food for a moment to share this little nugget: in the same parking lot as the restaurant sits a small, hot-dog-shaped coffee shack with a drive-thru window and a lingerie-clad barista ready to greet thirsty commuters. It’s called Sexpresso.
I rest my case.
[Special greetings to those of you who've come over from Pophangover.]
What seems really incredible to me is that a *man* would realize the bar poster was pure subliminal (though crude) messaging. Most men would suddenly realize nothing but the sudden thirst for a cold corona, couple with a hot woman. Or they would think the poster was actually meant for them and that said woman and beer were waiting for them. Glad you had fun at Cirque though. And I wish they had Himalayan food here.
I have vacation envy! I've been interested in Love since I heard about it(the show, you pervs!) and now I am certain I'd like to go see it - thanks for the review.
Did you sound like the aliens on Galaxy Quest? 'Cause that's what my gourd is imagining...
As for the prostitute...hey, man, I was just asking for directions, honest!!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
You just said there's more to life than pussy.
I am a longtime reader, first time commenter. I am stoked that you saw LOVE while in Las Vegas. I saw it this spring when I was there for a conference and was so blown away that I planned our family vacation with a side trip there and took my mom and 3 kids to see it again. So freakin awesome...though my 18 year old was almost as enamored of his new and extensive collection of hooker cards acquired on the strip. Oh, and on your recommendation I picked up "Stiff" and "Bonk" recently. Loved the first and passed it on to my boss(a doctor) and the second is in the to-read pile.
What happens in Vegas, stays on YouTube.
(with apologies to Jeff Dunham)
Now I want to go to Vegas.
Shelley, there's a third by Mary Roach named Spook. Funny crap.
Danny, I'm taking my 13 year old to Vegas next spring... any tips to keep her out of jail and off the pole?
Best deal on the strip: The people selling waters for $1 in the sweltering heat with their coolers on wheels.
And honestly, Candy Ass and I are so old, we're normally too tired to actually make it out of our room to experience the Vegas "night life." Or too randy. One of the two.
My husband went to Vegas for the first time last month for his bachelor party, I think the accent he used was "really drunk guy."
Also, his brother is in Cirque Du Soleil, but not the LOVE production. Can you say freeeee tickets?
So glad I'm not alone in feeling the "meh" in Vegas. Yeah, there is a ton to do, but not all of us are 24 year old teflon-coated wonder-studs drugged to the gills and unworried about STDs. Not that I'm making a sweeping generalization about who the marketing people think are spending money in Vegas...
There is more to life than pussy - there's also cock. Oh, sorry, that's just me. What can I say, I'm equal opportunity.
As a Vegas native, you tend to ignore the pervasiveness of sex but some things just snap you back into realization such as being in line at the grocery store behind an incredibly hot stripper as she is paying with a big stock of ones.
Last week I spent two hours in line at an AT&T store for an iPhone next to the Sexpresso shop and not one car came by for coffee. Oh well.
HA! Ya know.. the older I get, the more uncomfortable I feel everytime I visit Vegas. On road trips, I try to drive through Sin City in the middle of the night while the kiddo's eyes are shut. LOL!
Last time I was in Vegas, I had to take a nap...like in the middle of the day. We are old.
I'm going to Vegas next month and this post is psyching me up. I've seen "LOVE" 2 times already and I'm going back for a 3rd. Found you via pophangover! Love the blog Danny!
-Robyn in CT
Brings a whole new meaning to Luck Be a Lady Tonight, doesn't it?
Luck can be a lady or a guy or a tranny or an animal. If you've gotta a buck - you got some luck!
Ya know how Halloween used to mostly be a fun holiday with all sorts of freaks and clowns, and now it's all about how sexed up women and teenage girls can be? That's sorta how Vegas has evolved as well.
I was going to tell you a great story about last time I was in Vegas and how much fun I had. All the drinking, all the sex, the gambling, the sins, the insanity ....
But in truth? I have a vague memory of Briefcase escorting me back to our room and the whole world was spinning, spinning, spinning. The rest? A total blur. Briefcase tells me it was one of the best nights of his life .... so I guess we (he?) had fun!
I didn't realize there was yet more legal sex that could be presented in Vegas, but apparently you've just proven me very wrong. I am likely to be headed there in the next few months, and now you have my scared. Not that I needed another reason to not bring the wee ones, but you've certainly provided one. A margarita ejaculate mustache. Huh.
I suddenly have the urge to drink Coronas and give a blow job. Weird.
Actually, it's called SeXXXpresso, and my husband's daughter (obviously from his first wife) worked there for a while. But we don't talk about that. At least not away from the internet ...
I hate Vegas with a passion.
In the wisdom of your old(er) age, can you please let me know what there is to life more important than pussy, if you ever find out? Otherwise, I'll assume you were just trying to score points with your wife, and I totally respect that.
Having just clicked over to Pophangover, I think you should repost your Carrot Top rant here, for posterity, and to spread the word.
Wait... was the Sherpa Taco offered by a poster or someone handing out business cards? Seriously. We need to know what this is.
I know exactly what voice you're referring to. My boyfriend does it all the time. When he learned I could do it, he got excited. We have a very entertaining relationship.
You just described several scenes from the movie Idiocracy. That is truly scary, dude...
We drove through Vegas when my sons were in their middle teens. They're brilliant children -- even then they thought the place was creepy. They just couldn't get their minds around seeing old people smoking -- old people who were connected to their portable oxygen tanks by plastic tubing that led to their noses.
Interesting trip, Danny. But did you WIN??
I would become a coffee drinker if there was a Sexpresso in my town.
This just reaffirms why my fiance and I won't consider Las Vegas as a possible honeymoon destination.
LoisLane, my wife and I went there on our honeymoon last August, and we had a blast. With the exception of the guys on the corner handing out the cards with the women on them, I didn't think sex was so pervasive. There are so many other cool things there that make it worth the trip, you should definitely look into it.
Heading to Vegas in October with my husband's family who are coming in from England. They want to see Cirque du Soleil so we booked a show last night but chose "KA", which looks pretty cool. Opted for that one over "Love" since they are from Liverpool and saw the Beatles in the Cavern back in the day. Thought it might be overkill.
Saw "Love" when my wife and I went to Vegas last November - I agree, it is awesome - the perfomers are super-fucking-human. Saw "Zumanity" when we went last month - it was cool, but I think I would have rather seen "Love" again.
Missed out on Sexxpresso, though...but we did go the The Gun Store and shot Uzi's and Tommy guns, which was as cool as I thought it would be!
The Story of O is quite awe inspiring too. I've made a note to see Love, can't wait.
I am jealous. I haven't been to Vegas since 2002!! I have wanted to see LOVE since it was in the planning stages!! I am a HUGE Beatles fan, thanks to my parents!! Sexxpresso, humm.. wonder if they have t-shirts.
DH and I are headed to Vegas in September, receiving an early Christmas present from my niece (13) and nephew (16): tickets to see Love. We are taking the nephew with us, of course, huge Beatles fan and has seen it twice already. The niece could care less. Think I'll take her for a pedicure.
Love your blog!
Just found your site from Pophangover.com and I am so glad I clicked to check you out. I love this page! When I get home from work I am shoving it down my husbands throat. lol. Nice reads.
What a sheltered life I've had. Almost 57 and I had to Google "rusty trombone" to find out what you were talking about. I had made a guess but I wasn't even close. You are providing me quite an education because I've had to look up several words/phrases you have used since I started reading a couple months back.
CareerMom, who like me, is not a Beetles fan (come on! we're only 35) saw that Cirque show while on a business trip a few months ago in Vegas. She thought it was excellent, despite not really having a connection with the music.
I thought it would have been excellent too, but of course, I was at home here with the boys, where every day, is a Cirque de Soleil~
I am glad to hear Love was good. I have been begging my hubby to get me to Vegas so I can see it (I am a huge Beatles fan!).
I need to go without my kids though. We never do that, but I want to get the whole "sexxxperience" and not just spend my time at the pool with a dragon floaty... Although I don't gamble, I don't smoke, and I don't drink much, so really all there is is the sex... Ah, what the hell.
Rusty trombone...hahahahahaaha, I almost choked on my corona!
mmmmm... porn, sex posters, boobies, and ejaculate 'staches. Sounds like a weekend in paradise. I live vicariously through you kind sir (tipping my virtual hat in your direction). I wonder if my wife is up for a margarita tonight..... where is my magic 8-ball...
welcome back!
Your friend David actually injured a rib from laughing so hard last weekend. Seriously, we ARE getting old!
Honestly, I don't mind there being Sexpresso in Vegas. That's where it belongs. But it's come to Seattle. And I'm highly annoyed. Highly. http://tinyurl.com/6maqbv
wait...what?
there are men that think there's more to life than pussy? seriously?
I kwym about Vegas. We have taken our kids there a few times (my daughter has national cheer competitions there each year), and I always just cringe when we're there trying to do a family thing. You're right; the sex is everywhere!
I'm with Sci-Fi Dad -- the 'sherpa taco' thing frightened me. Please tell me it's a food.
I do believe that this revelation means you've officially entered adult-hood. Congrats! LOL!
Yeah...we're both gettin' old, my friend. And as for "Love", I haven't seen it but I bought the CD and it IS awesome the way the songs were all remixed! I would love to see it! Sorry that all the sex stuff ruined your trip. I feel really bad for you...LOL
"...but I suppose I’ve finally learned that there’s more to life than pussy."
My eighteen year old son is certain that a "dude" can't really be writing this, whilst I sit here in hysterics!
He also wants to know when we're going to Vegas.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen anytime this century. Not with ME anyhow!
i leave tomorrow. i will try to take pictures of boobs for you.