There was another dust-up this weekend about the legitimacy of bloggers, specifically the so-called “mommyblogger” set, who some believe to be nothing more than sitting ducks for cash-strapped advertisers. To the people who perpetuate that crap and strut around the web with an unwarranted air of intellectual superiority, I challenge you. Read Alice. Read Tanis. Read Doug. Read Crystal. Read Yvonne. And then take your condescending asses back to your platforms and tell the world how trivial and insignificant those voices are.

I’ve never in my life seen an athlete with as much heart and determination as you, Brett Favre, but you’re destroying your own legacy with your whiny indecisiveness.

BlogHer people, you must be aware that a large number of your members fall apart like a wet newspaper during the week following your annual conference. It happens every damn year. I humbly request that you plan for it next year, perhaps with a panel during the 2008 conference entitled, “People! Please! Relax!” Do a ropes course. Walk on hot coals. Just do something, anything!, to avoid the maniacal cattiness and hurt feelings that turn otherwise sensible women into raging weirdos post-BlogHer.

Twitter, please unfuck yourself once and for all.

Zach, Cody, Hannah, Miley, Drake, Josh, and Wizards of Waverly Place, sorry about having to evict you from my home but you left me no choice. You’re teaching my children to disrespect their elders and peers, and they do enough of that without your help. See you in 10 years.

Whenever I write about the everyday difficulties of fatherhood (even in a satirical, over-the-top fashion), there’s one particular person on the web who feels compelled to assail my fitness to raise children. Dude. Seriously. Fuck off. Get over yourself.

Hockey season, hurry your ass up.

Thank you, T. Boone Pickens. I’m certain there is an ulterior motive to your plan, but the notion of someone with your cajones and financial swagger finally committing to action (gasp!) restores a little of my faith in humanity. If you become even wealthier because of this initiative, I won’t begrudge you a single cent. Good for you, T. Mr. Pickens. Mr. T. Sir.

My hair trimmer screwed me once again this weekend, rendering me near bald for the third time. Slow your roll, Maverick, or I swear I’ll leave you in the dressing room of a Berkeley sex shop and condemn you to spend the rest of your days trimming the tangled, hairy, smelly-ass crotches of “Deadheads” who haven’t “freshened up” since Jimi choked on his own puke.

Anything you guys want to get off of your chest?

Comments

Boy, do you know how to threaten an inanimate object! What a... vivid image... (shudder)

Enough with the honeydew melon being more than 1/2 of a "fruit salad" already! (Wow, that felt good.)

As a matter of fact, yes. Could reality TV please die a quick, yet painful death? And, as a Red Wings fan, I would also be glad if the hockey season could hurry the hell up.

oh my god.
this is the best post ever.
brett favre! YES! what the fuck ever. my desire to make many many of his babies is gone.
twitter. GRRR.
post blogher cattiness sucks. i really don't understand it actually. i'm not a popular blogger but the entire weekned was rainbowsandkittensandunicorns. everyone was soo awesome.
hockey season??? where are you!
and don't even get me started on zack and cody and hannah montana and wizards of waverly place. the next time i hear someone say "sweet niblets" someone's getting stabbed in the eye. i'm just saying.

God, that was beautiful. Without even contributing, I feel better.

Help! I need to evict the very same people from my house but I don't have the guts (i.e. patience to have to deal with my son) if I do.

Rant on!
I am in complete agreement on Brett Favre! Stop acting like your finger is in your nose when we all know what you're really trying to do!

I'm so glad I'm not the sole parent on the face of the earth who cuts off access to the Disney crap marketed at my almost-8 year old-- sure, he's a bit out of the loop with his peer set, but he'll get over it. (I did.) And you know what? I consider myself a 'mommy blogger,' but I also consider myself a 'random shit blogger,' a 'this is the craziness in my head blogger,' and a 'don't read it if you think it's garbage blogger.' Those categories are just a bit less used in the media.

An excellent Monday morning post.

My two cents:
WHY do I *have* to have a 40th birthday party to make YOU happy, MOM?
Buddy clown, seriously! Just poop on the damn potty already!

I'm with you on the Hannah Montana crap. Our five-year old requested a Hannah Montana concert for her birthday; luckily she was young enough for re-programming. We talked her into a Doctor Who convention.

Twitter: nikkimk06

Having seen more than one person choose to evict those people, I think I will stick to my plan never to allow them in the house in the first place. Thanks for helping me in my resolve.

I do have one to add though. To the doctor's office
If someone must absolutely have some procedure done or paperwork completed by a certain date, you might try telling them about it sooner than THAT DAY. That would make everyone's day much less stressful

Enough of people smiling at me like I am nothing more than my boyfriends girlfriend. Ask me about my education, my thoughts etc. Instead of "when do are you guys getting married? That must be tough on you?" aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh thanks for that Danny

'Sensible' is not a word I would use to describe women (and yes, I am one). Cattiness is ALWAYS uncalled for, but human beings with ovaries have been doing this since the invention of menstruation. It starts in about 5th grade and it really never stops.

*sigh*

I feel better now ...

Cats are so stupid. I fucking hate cats.

thanks for sticking up for us mommy bloggers :)

holy shit, Danny, I actually just read that post. There are actually people out there still like that?! WTF. 2008 people, come on.

oooo, really makes me want to rally the women and I'm not even a feminist

I hate how the damn fleas keep coming back after treating the entire house for two weeks.

To the morons who manufacture tents: Please make your stupid tent bags big enough to actually fit the tent inside, without needing WALL-E to make a trip from the future in order to compact it.

To the makers of French's mustard: Thicken it up, would you? I would like to, just once, squeeze some mustard on my burger without first getting a squirt of yellow colored water.

And, Brett Favre...seriously dude. You make my PMS look mild in comparison.

This post was hilarious and strong. Perfect way to start the day.

Now that you mention it Danny......
I'd like to give a big shout-out to Mr. "I-drive-my-ice-cream-truck-down-your-street-at-the-most-fucked-up-time-ever". Thanks, Douche Bag. Thanks for driving your beat up, Bondo covered, scary-in-a-pedophile-way, looking Van, with you shitty sounding "Ice Cream" music (it sounds like an ambitous Cat that wishes it were a Duck) down my street just after 9:30 p.m. Thanks for stopping buy at the tail end of your route. Thanks for making my 6.5 year old kid cry becuase she has already brushed her teeth and is ,like, 5 mintutes away from her bedtime story (The Daring Book for Girls is totally awesome by the way) becuase she stayed up way too late catching lightning bugs with her friend next door, and is now an emotional wreck becuase-
A. she is over-tired from staying up way too late catching lightning bugs with her friend next door and...
2. You never come by Home, Inc. at an appropriate time.
Maybe your trying to broaden your demographic to include the "midnight tokers" to your route. You're a little early holmes. Come by around 11:30 p.m. With no "Ice Cream" music. I'll be the one in the Yoda pajamas.

Brilliant. Let's add Spongebob to that list. I've never seen so many phallic symbols in one cartoon. The creator has serious issues with his mother.

Fuckn awesome post.

Farve who cares. You are irrelevant. Spend your millions, relax, spend time with your family.

Work email fuck off and die.

I have a plan. Let's send Brett Favre to BlogHer and have him provide a lecture on how acting like a giant full-of-yourself ass can result in people everywhere saying you suck. I know that is what many of the catty BlogHer attendees are doing, but I feel it would give more weight to the lecture if Brett gave it.

Yeah, I have all kinds of hot and sweaty but perfectly chaste man-love for you, Danny.

*awkward tripod hug*

Also I hate to drop condor shit on the parade but no matter what they say and do right now they are complete f*ing angels compared to what they're going to be like when they're in high school.

Could everyone just get off my back about having babies? Yes my husband and I have been married for 6 years, but does that mean I need to hear you parents bitch and moan every time we see you? If you want babies, have your own damn kids. Did you ever consider that maybe we are trying to have kids and we aren't having much luck and everytime you whine to me about it I get just a little more depressed that we are having problems in that area? Seriously, shut it. I'm done.
Thanks for the opportunity to vent Danny. Definitely needed it this Monday morning.

To the kid who came to camp with lice - f*ck you.

Don't you hate it when people crow about themselves and how utterly fucking loved and popular and splendid they are? I hate people like that. Humble is good.

Oh, and that's not directed towards anyone you might know. I just had to get that shit off my chest.

Okay - whew - Danny you rock. I don't comment that often, but today. Today I will. Here goes.
Mom - Stop being so manipulative, if you continue to use my children in this manor, I will not remove them from your life, but they will do it themselves someday, just as I pretty much have.
Mother in law - please for the love of god, LISTEN to the answer when you ask a question and set the camera down for 5 minutes, your pictures are crappy anyway.
oldest daughter - stop testing me with an attitude I thought was reserved for a 16 year old.
youngest daughter - stop taking off your diaper, unless you want to pee in the toilet
husband - I love you, but stop leaving your goddamn empty hanger on the shower door EVERY morning.
Last but not least, to the check out girl at Super Target - yes, you twit, you can be married and not have your wedding ring on while shopping at the grocery store and no you don't need the explanation that I left in my soap dish after scrubbing a pan and forgot to put it on.
Oh they may be petty some of them, but they are my current rages. Thanks for letting me vent here ;)

Danny!!!!!!11!!!!

You rock, dude...

Ok, now that that is all out of my system. Thanks for saying what needed to be said.. Next time I'm in a Berkley Sex shope... umm... nevermind...

Peace,
Matty

I absolutely hate when people refer to a mixed-gendered group as "guys". You wouldn't call a group of men "girls" or "ladies" unless they were in Boot Camp. How about showing a similar amount of respect for women that don't like to be referred to using a male moniker, especially since English has the great, multi-purpose pronoun "you", which can refer to either one person or a group of people?

I've been keeping an eye on your Blog. Seriously... I was thinking you might just rock... this seals the deal! You fuckin' rock, dude! This old broad is totally in lust!

Don't even get me started on Brett Favre.

I'm not kidding.

Oh my GOSH that is such a breath of fresh air. Yes!!!

I would like to tell the jackhat who just cancelled his contract on our house for the stupidest reasons to eat it and thanks for wasting 2 weeks of prime house selling time, you dumbass.

Ah, I feel better already.

To my older brother, who lives out of the country: FUCK OFF! Who has done all the work moving OUR parents (literally and their belongings) to assisted living? Who has been the only one (with husband) cleaning up the leftover household and dealing with all that entails? Who has wiped their parents butts when they pooped themselves and cleaned their vomit? Who has been with them EVERY time one of them is in the hospital and stayed with the other? I'm not looking for a medal, but DO NOT come in and say I haven't taken care of things good enough or fast enough when you, brother, come in for a 1 1/2 week visit and do NOTHING!!! FUCK YOU! Very much. And to my stepbrother, who lives in the same city as our parents and has done NOTHING to help move our parents: Thanks dude. I live 30 minutes away and still make it every night after work and every weekend to help empty and clean their house ... a little help would be appreciated ... other than simply taking a couple of things that you wanted - and that my husband brought to your house with no help from you. I just want a little help. This isn't an easy task.

I couldn't agree more with the whole BlogHer thing, and also with BHJ. I started reading him, but he just seems so bitter about everything. I think it's because Dooce ignores him. Time for him to get over himself.

to stupid LTF members with children- get over it the f-in policies are not going to change!!! they are in place for the safety of your children sorry for the inconvience it causes your rich spoiled little ass- if you do not give a shit about your 2 year olds well being just leave them home alone with knives and a few loaded guns.
University of Memphis staff- know your fucking job, update peoples account learn how to NOT be rude bitches, or just go ahead and make the world a better place and KILL YOURSELF.
mother-in-law from hell- your son married me and no amount of money is going to change that, nice try bitch.
to my ex-sister- either go to thearpy or drop off the face of the earth, everything you do makes your daughter, your mother and anyone else who is stupid enough to talk to you miserable.

thank you. i feel better.

Mother in law who lovingly states "I just don't KNOW you any more" to her son - WTF - YOU don't know shite and we like it like that.

God damn it, Danny. I clicked over to that POS guy's site to see what all the fuss was about and had to leave a nasty, unlady-like comment. You got me all fired up and now I'm just mad that I gave him the traffic. (Although I did get to call him a whiny bitch and that felt kinda cathartic.)

Things I'm currently mad about: No one believes me that Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck are THE SAME PERSON, Trader Joe's was out of their famous BBQ sauce this weekend, and this wicked case of inertia I have going on.

Ok, now I'm a little scared for the Maverick...
But yes, since you have so generously provided the opportunity, here I go:

Dear Daughter, you do not have to investigate every public bathroom we come across. This especially bothers me when you do it the very second my food gets set down at the table. Please realize that public bathrooms are all icky, you do not need to confirm it.

Dear Son, When you asked the lady at the post office "What does that button do?," she gave you a perfect explanation and when she was done, you looked at her and asked "What does that button do?" I'm considering getting tests run on you. Seriously.

Dear Cat, We humans have a saying "Curiosity Killed the Cat." If you sneak up on me while hubby and I are gettin our naughty on and stick your whiskers near my ass again, you will find out what curiosity does to you.

Thanks. I'm done.

T. Boone's oil fields are drying up but he has plenty of natural gas. If only there was a mass market for natural gas that would drive up the price...oh wait, that's what he's doing.

Read the plan. He talks a lot about wind, but really wants to replace gasoline with natural gas...in our cars. A non-renewable source of energy for our cars...where have I heard of such a thing before?

Damn Danny, I've been reading you for awhile and loved it, but damn you may now be my hero. Perfect Monday post.

Rant of the day: Lady in the next cubicle I don't care that your having a bad day, have you noticed that there are others in the office who actually have to work then listen to you whine that your having a bad day, and if your going to make a personal call, can you manage to do it so the entire office doesn't have to hear that your family is crazy!

Dear cry baby bloggers,

Stop whining about how you "aren't popular" and "no one reads you" and start actually blogging.

Hey ....
Please stop talking and listen to what I might have to say for once. I think this is part of your job description. And I don't mean hear my voice. I mean LISTEN!! LISTEN!! You are driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Danny for the opportunity!! I feel much better now.

This is a good morning for this.

Breakfast establishments, apple butter will never be jelly. Apple butter is tasty, but I want jelly.

Hey, metabolism, what the fuck happened? Did 35 have to be the fat birthday?

Oh Bret Favre...
I'm a die-hard Eagles fan, but I think we have a bit of a bum of a QB. My boyfriend on the other hand is a diehard Bills fan. He was away last week. So we're chatting on the phone while he's watching Sports Center and he says to me... you'll never guess who just signed Favre. Me: "The Bills?" Him: "Nope. The Eagles." I went off. He was totally pulling my leg. It was not cool. But pretty hilarious.

To my future mother in law: Stop acting like an immature brat who is entitled to everything in this world. News flash! The world does not revolve around you, so stop playing the role of the victim. If you didn't want neighbors, then you shouldn't have fucking moved near people.

Scuse me mom of 2 year old boy who just squirted my 2 year old little girl in the back of the head with a water hose, please pay attention, get your kid under control, it isn't cute when he does these things, it's annoying.

Dad of 2 year old little boy, your drunken karaoke at this company picnic was better in your head than out loud. Just sayin.

I have one!

Why is it that the bitch next to me got 9 WEEKS off for freaking bunion surgery on her feet and I only get 6 WEEKS for pushing a child out of my vagina? That shit ain't right!

I want to be a mommy blogger.

Dear State Health Insurance - Please explain why an immigrant to this country needs only to provide one form of ID when applying, while my family of born & raised Americans must provide two forms of ID each and a SS card is not one of those ID's?

Dear Neighbor - While I realize that you have unlimited texting, I DO NOT! You live 30 feet from my front door. Please stop texting me to ask me what I'm doing?

Dear 1-Year-Old Terrorist - I know you love to read your books, but is it absolutely necessary to tear every single one of them out of the box in the 30 seconds after I pick them up. And while I'm at it, there is no escape hatch in the bathroom and I promise that if I go in there to grab a hairbrush, the TUMS, or a tissue, I will not vanish! Therefore, I am not impressed when you stop everything to scream hysterically at the bathroom door!!

WOW!! That was refreshing! And I totally agree with the Disney characters, but throw the entire Nickelodeon channel in there while you're at it!

Is baseball season over yet? Just sayin' - football season coming soon!

To my daughter's friend's mother: You and I aren't pals. We're acquaintances. I do not need to talk to you every other day. You have forced me to screen my calls. I'm not planning my summer around when our girls can play together. I don't want to swim in your pool. And I think you purposely hid my daughter's extra change of clothes after the sleepover so that you'd have a reason to call me in a couple of days. You're very clingy.

To Walmart- Please stop hiring people who are over the age of 80 and cannot check out my groceries in under fifteen minutes.

To son- stop taking your clothes off in the bathroom, you don't need to be completley naked to take a shit.

Brilliant!

People who get their hate-on for mommy bloggers perplex me. No one is forcing you to read, people! The whole post-Blogher bitchfest is irritating the crap out of me. Some women need to get a hobby other than manufacturing drama.

And also, I'll second whoever said reality tv should die. A quick death, please.

Yes....there is something I'd like to get off my chest.

To the asshole who has been tailgating me and riding the back of my car like it's a $5 whore for the past 10 miles even though I'm going faster than the posted speed limit. If my husband can't ride my ass, what the hell makes you think you can?

And for the mother at the park who rolled her eyes and gave "the look" to her friend when my boys started having a smackdown over some minor indescretion, I want you to take a good look at your sweet little 10 month old happily playing in the splashpad while you enjoy your mocha-caffe-latte-half-fat-cinnamon-sprinkled-costs-more-than-Guam's-national-debt drink, and remember this peaceful moment. Because in four years, you'll be me.

There. I feel much better now.

um, yes:

NO, it's not twins.
YES, I'm sure it's not due until September.
NO, I'm not in a hurry to get it out so I can start with the squalling and no sleep.
YES, I know it's hot out.
NO, I'm not going to share potential names with you.
YES, I know what it is, but I don't feel like sharing everything with everybody.

So please, please, fuck off, nosey people!

If another one of my co-workers sends me an email today using YOUR when they mean YOU ARE I think I might hit them with a Swingline. Ah, yes. Mondays are for venting. And stapler throwing.

What the hell was my husband thinking? Why would he bring home a puppy? Why in the name of all that is holy would we want FOUR f'ing dogs? Why? Why? Do I not have enough work to do? Stupid ass mongrels. Ugh. Damn.

Thank you for the opportunity to vent...

To my dear sonny boy,
STOP ASKING ME FOR SOMETHING TO EAT!!! You are only four years old! You just ate thirty minutes ago, you cannot possibly be hungry again! You are going to get so fat that the kids in school will tease you and you will be miserable for the rest of your life. You will have man boobs. You won't ever have a girlfriend and you will spend the rest of your life living in my basement. In our house we eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with one or two snacks in between. The snacks will always be fruit or veggie in origin. If I hear "Mommy I'm hungry" one more time I am going to lose it.

Danny, I live near Green Bay and have heard nothing but the Brett Farve saga for weeks! It's nice to hear the perspective of someone on the other side of the country!

Here goes my rant...

I live on a farm which necessitates the need for a 4-wheel drive mom mobile. My choice of vehicle, a Chevy Trailblazer. I also drive 60 miles a day for work and at 18mpg I don't have a lot of gas to waste. So, to all you people in your 35mpg over sized go-carts, quit looking at me like I'm nuts for driving the posted speed limit instead of 10 over! I'm trying to conserve fuel and save money for my child to go to college!

Fuck you AT&T and your DSL!! I hate hate hate, double hate, LOATHEEEEE them!!

Yes, please I'll take one.

To all you drivers who insist on talking, texting, e-mailing, blogging or otherwise using your Blackberry/Treo/iPhone or the like, I have one simple request....
HANG UP THE MOTTHER-FUCKING PHONE AND DRIVE!!!!!!

Wow, that feels good, now if only it would actually happen.

Grass, what the fuck is up with grass? I water the shit out of it in this Texas heat and it rewards me by making me walk behind a loud, ozone choking machine for hours at a time in a 103 degree surface-of-the-sun-bake-my-face-off-thermal-wave. If round-up wasn't so expensive I'd kick its ass.

Why isn't beer diet food?

Why do they call it a laptop when if you place it on your lap it burns the shit out of it? This pisses me off. I like to work in my underwear.

Why the hell hasn't evolution taken care of nose hair? Seriously, I don't require hair as thick as pencil lead in my notrils to sit in an office. Hell hath no fury like the pain inflicted when pulling those bastards out.

What idiot invented the netting that goes around trampolines? It's survival of the fittest, people. You used to be able to fall of the trampoline and learn a lesson. Now it's used like the wall in a Nascar race.

Walk on hot coals... Seriously.

Try shock therapy or something.

Pokernet.com needs to die and give me my husband back!

Am loving this post and the comments. The Disney thing makes complete sense. My six year old has the attitude of a thirteen year old. I think I'm setting Disney to parental controlled tonight. Oy it will be fun though.

To my lovely six year old, you are on notice....cut out the attitude, the I knows, heavy sighs and the eye rolling or you shall never see Miley-Jonas-Camp-Musical again. You are not 13 years old.
To my cousin, i.e. the bride from hell, if you want the wedding to be perfect and your way, you might possibly want to get off your ass and do it your dam self. I am hereby firing myself as your free slave.
To my boss, give me something to do. Something that a monkey is capable of doing will suffice...I am BORED.
To my husband, either put in suggestions or decide you like some of my name choices, or I'm naming our son without your help. Telling me what you don't like is NOT helpful.

Thanks for this, because I do feel better.

I hate "hate". Let's all hug, hug, hug, hug until we've hugged all of this hate out, and fear is purged from the world and we can all walk hand in hand, free, happy, unfettered, all of us marching together with smiles on our faces and a song in our hearts, towards a future of light and peace and beauty, where the children play in gardens of sun-dappled chrysanthemums while birds of paradise soar overhead and dolphins leap joyously in oceans washed clean with love.

And I hate airline food.

Well, seeing as how everyone is adding their gripes, I guess I'll put in my 2 cents as well: I dislike women who hate women, especially when they share the same name as me (and happen to have posted a comment to this blog entry that is approximately #12). I dislike women who, instead of demonstrating the fact that women and men have the ability to be equal in intellect and sensibility, feel the need to add to the overwhelming wave of misogyny that most women suffer through every single day by pretending to speak for all women with their ignorant mouths.

Yes, "Sarah", I'm talking to you. Next time you decide to speak for all women about how we all revel in our own immaturity and cattiness, I sincerely hope you'll keep your moronic ideas to yourself. I'm as willing as the next person to admit that, just like men, not all women are great examples of mature adults- you are a prime example of that. You don't speak for me, or any of the intelligent, sensible women I know.

Lady, child support is to pay for the necessities of the children, not to bribe them with toys awaiting their return from a summer too short at Daddy's. This will come home to roost for you someday, don't look for him to save your ass when it does.

Dear Accu-Weather: Thanks a lot for putting the temperature, but not the humidity, on the sweet little dashboard set up I've got here on my lappy. It said 74 degrees, so I took your word for it. Guess what- after 45 minutes hoofing through 4 miles in the blazing sun in 90% humidity, it feels like 107! Why can't you read my mind and stop me from such foolishness? Some widget you are. Thanks for nothing.

Thanks, Danny! I feel much better now!

So, I went to Universal Studios in Orlando last weekend and had a total Danny moment. I was sitting next to a family (mom and two kids) and when it came time for photo viewing, I could only think of you. There was me, having the grandest of times, and unbeknownst to me, the family was in 'duck and cover' mode. Mom was almost laying on top of the kids trying to shield them from the dangers of the Mummy. I almost bought the picture just to have a good laugh every now and then.

As for my grievance, what is up with people wearing bras, not bathing suits, but actual bras, in an amusement park? I don't care how good you may think your body looks, I don't want to see your underwear.

Wow, I feel better already.

now I know why I like you so much. That is just perfect!

I could add a few things but maybe its bst left as is. I agree with you 100%
I am ready to take the TV frm the kids and piss all over it.

...and hurry the F up Football season!!!!!

Dear Motherjumpers who drive on the freeway with me. I leave a small space between me and the car ahead of me so that I don't run in to the back of them when they slam on their brakes in the middle of the freeway while we are going 60 mph. I do not, please let me repeat, I do not, leave that space for you to squeeze your enormous SUV in front of me. Knock it off.

And also, all of you wanna be gantstas who live in Nebraska? Seriously, turn the music down. You live in Nebraska, there are no 'hoods around here.

Umm, I kinda like to blog but I'm beginning to wonder what I got myself into. Twitter? I think I know what that is, but do I have to know? Is it important for something?

And as for the tween sensations, my hubs and I have gotten rid of cable/satellite for this very reason. Many folks can't believe we exist without it. All I can say is that I can tell when my kids have been to a friends house who has it because they come home saying "What- EVahhh" and "Yo dude you are so rad" and "This girl wants to PAR-TEEEE" um, no, you're 8.

Yes, there is one thing. In my world, Deadheads referred to Jerry Garcia
and the Grateful Dead. Then you mention Jimi and I'm making the assumption
you are talking about Mr.Hendrix - who was gone too young, was it 72?

That's a long, long time, to go without your mentioned crotch washing.
WAY too long.

Sadly, my son is a gynecologist. And, for the first time, I feel very, very
bad for him.

I can't comment on the blogging, as I don't partake in writing, just reading.
Which is why I'm here and leaving now, scratching my head hehe. (sorry, absolutely
one of those times when the fingers just took over)and wrote what they wanted)

Cathi

Why doesn't wondersis ever come on here and yell COCKSUCKER anymore?

As I am one of the folks in Tampa forced to listen to non-fraking-stop will he/won't he bullshit about Favre....love him, but RETIRE already!! Have you not seen the examples set before you of Namath and Unitas?? Switching teams after the glory days SUCKS for everyone!

I broke my ass. And you had to go to Vegas instead of coming to hang out with us whiney, catty, bitchy, egotistical, drunken cunts.

I said cunt. AND I LIKE IT.

Oh, and to all those people who wouldn't let me use the restroom when I had the stomach flu in Chinatown? I hope you shit your pants at the next church service you go to. Loud, farting, wet, groaning, smelly, drippy shit.

I need to wash my OWN mouth out.

I'm glad I'm not the only person who was annoyed by the NYT article and the relegation of the BlogHer Conference to the Fashion & Style section!

I need to get this out....

**parents of children at daycare--please come pick up your children on time. Don't leave them from open to close and the expect them to be excied to see you. We spend more time with them than you do. Do not keep them out all night for your events and then bring them at the crack-ass of dawn for us to deal with. Cranky tired children are no fun.
**children at daycare--no it's not funny when you repeat things Mommy and Daddy said or did last night
**my child--you are about to lose every toy in your room if I have to tell you to pick them up again
**husband--I am not the maid and am tired of picking up everything you leave laying around (and I wonder where my child gets it from)
**boss--put down the damn cell phone and do something

ahhh...now I feel better

To my Dad: Why the fuck did you have to become such an asshole? I mean, seriously. You would think that a 50 year old man would be a little responsible but instead you go into tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt smoking weed and hiring prostitutes, and then try to blame your wife? WTF? Maybe instead you could have ENDED YOUR MARRIAGE earlier if it was that bad. Retard.

Hmmmmm, well, I'd like to start by requesting that other mothers chill the fuck out over breast feeding or bottle feeding. Who cares how I feed my baby? Why the big deal over something that isn't an issue in the long run? I've never once been asked if I breastfed or bottle fed my daughter at parent teacher confrences. There isn't a special college graduation for breastfed babies. Bottle fed babies aren't only destined to work at a fast food joint. WHO THE FUCK CARES? Get over it.
I'd like to tell the dick wad at Target yesterday I hope his balls burst into flmaes. Why would you see me trying to get my son and his huge infant carrier out of the car, close the door so you can pull in, and then pull in so close I can't get the door open to get my baby out? Why would you do that? You could have parked one spot over. You wouldn't have been that much further from the door. I had to climb through my passenger side to get behind the wheel in order to move my car to a spot where I could actually open the doors on that side of my car. Thanks.
To the new Target in my town. Why do you have to have the new cart designs that do not allow baby carriers to attach? Why do you not provide any way for
mothers who have children who are too young to sit up a way to shop? Is it too much to ask? When I place the infant carrier in the basket part, there is no room for the diaper bag, let alone items I'd like to buy.
Finally, NO Mr. Wanna Be Ghetto Gangster I overheard at the dentist office, you can not use state assisted medical to get GOLD FREAKING TEETH! Why would you get mad over that? Get a J-O-B! Pay for your own damn 'grill'. I pay a lot of money every month for insurance and I struggle to pay my portion for a root canal/crown and you want the state to pay for your gold teeth. PUH-LEEZ!
Hmmm, I feel a little better now. Thanks Danny!

Cat fights at the end of BlogHer? Why does no one YouTube this?

Yes, I do have a couple of things to get off my chest-

To my boss-I would like you to shove your training videos up your ass. That is if you can get off your ass long enough to shove them up there. Be a manager, and quit boring us with training videos, then referring to them every time you think we are doing something you don't like. Come out of your office and manage the place more than 1 week a year.

To my annoying co-worker. You're a 55 year old man. Quit crying! Nobody wants to hear or see a grown man crying in every meeting! You look and sound like an ass!

To the next co-worker who I have to spend 9 hours of my life with...Shut the F*** Up! I want to stab your eyes out with a pencil. Every time you open your mouth about stupid, personal conversations I seriously consider smacking you with a stapler. If I wanted to share my personal life with you, there would be no need for you to ask! You are a prying, nosy woman. Just shut up!

To my Husband-Get off your ass and find a real job. This on the side repair business is not cutting it. We need money and a future. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and strive to do more. At the age of 34, you walk around sulking like there is no hope. Frankly, it's not attractive and it is getting on my nerves.

Thanks for allowing us to do this Danny! I feel better now.

- T. Boone owns a rather substantial stake in a Wind Turbine company. So...he has an agenda

- What? You can't possibly wait till I get my child in the car before you pull into the already-tight spot beside my vehicle? And then you have the nerve to give me the evil eye when I "almost accidentally" ding the shit out of your SUV with the door?

- Both of you political candidates make me physically ill. Pick a side...any side...and stick the hell with it!

- It's too damn hot!

I miss being able to be sunburned without the world pointing and screaming "skin cancer!"

It's soooo true what you said about these punks: Zach, Cody, Hannah, Miley, Drake, Josh, and Wizards of Waverly Place.

My husband and I have to constantly remind our kids to not talk to us like we're their friends...or with an punk ass attitude. And damn those punks above for taking up precious air time that other better shows could use so that my kids can watch TV and I can get shit done like read my People magazine and IM (just kidding...I don't neglect my kids....just sometimes).

Let's see. I want to give the Royal Fuck You salute to the checkout twerp at Hannaford who REPRIMANDED ME about having 19 items when the sign says says "No More Than 14 Items." Fuck you!!!

And to each and every driver out there who has to drive UNDER the speed limit while talking on their cell phone. FUCK YOU!!!!

And to the bitch teenage bitches who cut me off, crash into me, and talk on their cell phones while sitting at a green light. MY MINIVAN HAS PLACES TO GO BITCHES.

Last, but not least, to Scrabulous for forcing Facebook to disable their game so that US and Canadian users can't play anymore. Fuck you Scrabulous!!!!!

hey 43 yr old ovaries..thanks for nothing... women my age are not supposed to get knocked up anymore...especially when you have three teenage children...the oldest on the cusp of 20!! seriously WTF!!

Three things I have to get off of my chest….

To one of my three dogs… What the hell’s wrong with you? You’ve been pissing in your dog food bowl since we brought you home as a puppy. It’s been 12 fucking years. Enough already! If you don’t stop this shit right the fuck now, then I’ll take you to the vet and have your family jewels removed.

The only reason I’ve let you keep them to this point is because you like licking them. But, I’ll tell you what… You leave me one more surprise to clean up at 10:00 at night and I’ll be feeding them to you with a little left over dim-sum.

To my truck… Why did you pick yesterday to decide to have a gimp water pump? You couldn’t have picked a better time could you? It just happens to be the tightest month financially for the family and you have to pull this stunt? Didn’t you get the hint from all the arguments I’ve been having with the spouse over what bills to pay? We weren’t just doing it for the fucking make up sex.

You’ve been a damn good truck up to this point! You couldn’t have waited eight months for me?

Oh well, it could have been worse. You could have decided to pull this shit on Christmas.

So, here’s the deal, I’ll pay the $600 to repair you. You’ll get a new water pump, hoses, new radiator fluid. I’ll even throw in a new timing belt. But I swear, you do this again to me anytime in the next year and I’ll total you against the ass end of a garbage truck. I’ll then take the insurance money and use as a down payment on a Suzuki Swift. Capeche?

To my wife’s boss… Fucking grow up already. You think that just because you are in your position that you can play fucking mind games with her? She is supposed to be your assistant, not you fucking punching bag. She is the one that keeps you from making an ass of your pathetic self in public. Get a fucking clue! Do you know how hard it is to find good help these days? Wait… Yes you fucking do, because you’ve spent a good deal of time complaining to said spouse about the past employees and how they were worthless! Have you ever thought that your childish mentality just might be encouraging them to not perform at their best? You have the medicine, fucking take it. If you don’t, my wife will drop you ass for a new employer at more money.

You had me at Zach, Cody, Hannah, Miley, Drake, Josh, and Wizards of Waverly Place!

My rant for the day is this... If you don't want children, don't have them. If you have children that you don't want, but your ex-husband does, please for the love of all things holy, look past the money and let him have them.

To the HR department where I work: Idiots! I already interviewed for my job and have been doing it for nearly a year. Just because my boss wants to make my current 25 hour a week job into a 40 hour a week job, doesn't mean I should have to go through the entire interview process and compete for my job with random people who decide to apply.

To my daughters hamsters: Stay in your cage, you little escape artists or I will turn you into a very small fur coat.

To my husband: Loading the dishwasher does not equal cleaning the kitchen. Doing the laundry does not mean running your own clothes and ignoring the pile of smelly towels in the bathroom. Taking out the trash does not mean taking out the full bag and setting it beside the trash can.

To my children: Quit asking me for sugary snacks. The answer is, always has been, and always will be no. Go eat an apple and shut up!

My child's father not paying child support.
HE'S FOUR NOW ASSHOLE and I'm TIRED AS SHIT DOING THIS ALL BY MYSELF WHILE YOU ARE OFF GALIVANTING AROUND THE WORLD BEING A FUCKING "ROCKSTAR/MODEL" OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU SAY YOU ARE DOING, CAUSE GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT THE TRUTH IS, AS YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING LIAR I'VE EVER KNOWN. FUCK YOU.

Oh yeah, and Drinking the Company's latest flavor of KOOL AID. barf OUT.

Danny, I know I'm a day late, but damn...I need this today.

To my husband: Is it really a good idea to drive like a fucking asshole all of the time? I thought it might be a nice idea if we commuted to work together being as we work just around the corner from each other but goddamn it -- you scare the shit out of me every single day with your crazy driving. Case in point: This morning when you ran that red light. You scared me so badly that I was shaking and thought for sure that we were gonna die. I'm sorry that I screamed but I saw my life flash before my eyes. I just can't do it anymore...I can't come to work in tears and shaking.

To my teenage daughters: Please stop sneaking out at night after we've gone to bed. It's fucking with my sleep trying to keep an eye on you and your whereabouts.

To my boss: Must you be such a prissy bitch every single day? You seem to take great pleasure in talking down to me which just makes you look ugly and pathetic.

You are the dog's tuxedo. All else I want to say has been said.

Considering some of the real issues people are feeling...

I hate going to the movie theater and standing behind the counter while the idiot wearing the polyester outfit fills the bag of popcorn first, then takes my drink order. It's so stupid to do it that way... it's totally inefficient while there is a line of people behind me. FILL THE CUP WITH COKE AND THEN, WHILE THE LIQUID IS POURING DOWN, TEND TO MY POPCORN, BITCH!

Also, it's "you're" and not "your" most of the time, asshole.

I wish I could scream this as I type this out....

I am tired.

I am so worried about our financial situation that it sometimes causes me to become sick to my stomach. I feel like I am the only one that worries about this. We have a winter coming up when things slow down ALOT financially as it is...I'm scared as we are expecting again.

I wish this fucking phone would stop ringing.

I wish I could do something fun to celebrate my birthday. It will be my 30th and I thought that doing something fun (and inexpensive) would be do-able, I guess not.

I wish I had more patience lately, sadly I don't.

I wish I had someone to hug right now instead of this fucking phone always ringing.

Sorry for this post sounding pretty lame but I guess these are the things I had to get off of my chest.

Thanks Mr. Evans.

I just wanted to say that I'd like hockey season to hurry the fuck up, too.

Love this!

To the people who wear flip flops and sandals in the summer: Please get pedicures.

To my mother: If you walk into my house one more time and make a comment about my housekeeping, I'm going to go ballistic. You know the clutter will be there when you come in, DEAL!

I feel better now.

Oooo, snap! and right on, Danny!

Especially about the BlogHer gals turning into wet newspapers after the conference. I don't understand why most of the post-conference posts I read seem to be written by un-vitamin-fortified soggy cereal, when usually those women are so solid. But, then again, I've never been.

Twitter can eat my turds.

And Comcast? I FUCKING HAAATE YOU!! And also all of you fucking bad-ass, tailgating drivers in Miami. Suck me. And my bumper.

To my fellow commuters: It's 5:32pm on Tuesday and I'm gonna drive home now. So could you kindly obey the fucking law and not hide your cell phone while driving? You're not fooling a damn person trying to palm your cell phone and casually rest your head on your hand. Seriously - stop being such a weenie. Just choose one - drive, or hang up. It really IS that easy.

To my fellow commuters driving gold Camrys: Just get the fuck outta the way.

Fuck the Red Sox. I'm just sayin' is all. There. That ought to start a war on the site. Oh, and fuck hockey. It's good live but on TV it suuuuuuuucks.