There was another dust-up this weekend about the legitimacy of bloggers, specifically the so-called “mommyblogger” set, who some believe to be nothing more than sitting ducks for cash-strapped advertisers. To the people who perpetuate that crap and strut around the web with an unwarranted air of intellectual superiority, I challenge you. Read Alice. Read Tanis. Read Doug. Read Crystal. Read Yvonne. And then take your condescending asses back to your platforms and tell the world how trivial and insignificant those voices are.

I’ve never in my life seen an athlete with as much heart and determination as you, Brett Favre, but you’re destroying your own legacy with your whiny indecisiveness.

BlogHer people, you must be aware that a large number of your members fall apart like a wet newspaper during the week following your annual conference. It happens every damn year. I humbly request that you plan for it next year, perhaps with a panel during the 2008 conference entitled, “People! Please! Relax!” Do a ropes course. Walk on hot coals. Just do something, anything!, to avoid the maniacal cattiness and hurt feelings that turn otherwise sensible women into raging weirdos post-BlogHer.

Twitter, please unfuck yourself once and for all.

Zach, Cody, Hannah, Miley, Drake, Josh, and Wizards of Waverly Place, sorry about having to evict you from my home but you left me no choice. You’re teaching my children to disrespect their elders and peers, and they do enough of that without your help. See you in 10 years.

Whenever I write about the everyday difficulties of fatherhood (even in a satirical, over-the-top fashion), there’s one particular person on the web who feels compelled to assail my fitness to raise children. Dude. Seriously. Fuck off. Get over yourself.

Hockey season, hurry your ass up.

Thank you, T. Boone Pickens. I’m certain there is an ulterior motive to your plan, but the notion of someone with your cajones and financial swagger finally committing to action (gasp!) restores a little of my faith in humanity. If you become even wealthier because of this initiative, I won’t begrudge you a single cent. Good for you, T. Mr. Pickens. Mr. T. Sir.

My hair trimmer screwed me once again this weekend, rendering me near bald for the third time. Slow your roll, Maverick, or I swear I’ll leave you in the dressing room of a Berkeley sex shop and condemn you to spend the rest of your days trimming the tangled, hairy, smelly-ass crotches of “Deadheads” who haven’t “freshened up” since Jimi choked on his own puke.

Anything you guys want to get off of your chest?

Comments

Boy, do you know how to threaten an inanimate object! What a... vivid image... (shudder)

Enough with the honeydew melon being more than 1/2 of a "fruit salad" already! (Wow, that felt good.)

As a matter of fact, yes. Could reality TV please die a quick, yet painful death? And, as a Red Wings fan, I would also be glad if the hockey season could hurry the hell up.

oh my god.
this is the best post ever.
brett favre! YES! what the fuck ever. my desire to make many many of his babies is gone.
twitter. GRRR.
post blogher cattiness sucks. i really don't understand it actually. i'm not a popular blogger but the entire weekned was rainbowsandkittensandunicorns. everyone was soo awesome.
hockey season??? where are you!
and don't even get me started on zack and cody and hannah montana and wizards of waverly place. the next time i hear someone say "sweet niblets" someone's getting stabbed in the eye. i'm just saying.

God, that was beautiful. Without even contributing, I feel better.

Help! I need to evict the very same people from my house but I don't have the guts (i.e. patience to have to deal with my son) if I do.

Rant on!
I am in complete agreement on Brett Favre! Stop acting like your finger is in your nose when we all know what you're really trying to do!

I'm so glad I'm not the sole parent on the face of the earth who cuts off access to the Disney crap marketed at my almost-8 year old-- sure, he's a bit out of the loop with his peer set, but he'll get over it. (I did.) And you know what? I consider myself a 'mommy blogger,' but I also consider myself a 'random shit blogger,' a 'this is the craziness in my head blogger,' and a 'don't read it if you think it's garbage blogger.' Those categories are just a bit less used in the media.

An excellent Monday morning post.

My two cents:
WHY do I *have* to have a 40th birthday party to make YOU happy, MOM?
Buddy clown, seriously! Just poop on the damn potty already!

I'm with you on the Hannah Montana crap. Our five-year old requested a Hannah Montana concert for her birthday; luckily she was young enough for re-programming. We talked her into a Doctor Who convention.

Twitter: nikkimk06

Having seen more than one person choose to evict those people, I think I will stick to my plan never to allow them in the house in the first place. Thanks for helping me in my resolve.

I do have one to add though. To the doctor's office
If someone must absolutely have some procedure done or paperwork completed by a certain date, you might try telling them about it sooner than THAT DAY. That would make everyone's day much less stressful

Enough of people smiling at me like I am nothing more than my boyfriends girlfriend. Ask me about my education, my thoughts etc. Instead of "when do are you guys getting married? That must be tough on you?" aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh thanks for that Danny

'Sensible' is not a word I would use to describe women (and yes, I am one). Cattiness is ALWAYS uncalled for, but human beings with ovaries have been doing this since the invention of menstruation. It starts in about 5th grade and it really never stops.

*sigh*

I feel better now ...

Cats are so stupid. I fucking hate cats.

thanks for sticking up for us mommy bloggers :)

holy shit, Danny, I actually just read that post. There are actually people out there still like that?! WTF. 2008 people, come on.

oooo, really makes me want to rally the women and I'm not even a feminist

I hate how the damn fleas keep coming back after treating the entire house for two weeks.

To the morons who manufacture tents: Please make your stupid tent bags big enough to actually fit the tent inside, without needing WALL-E to make a trip from the future in order to compact it.

To the makers of French's mustard: Thicken it up, would you? I would like to, just once, squeeze some mustard on my burger without first getting a squirt of yellow colored water.

And, Brett Favre...seriously dude. You make my PMS look mild in comparison.

This post was hilarious and strong. Perfect way to start the day.

Now that you mention it Danny......
I'd like to give a big shout-out to Mr. "I-drive-my-ice-cream-truck-down-your-street-at-the-most-fucked-up-time-ever". Thanks, Douche Bag. Thanks for driving your beat up, Bondo covered, scary-in-a-pedophile-way, looking Van, with you shitty sounding "Ice Cream" music (it sounds like an ambitous Cat that wishes it were a Duck) down my street just after 9:30 p.m. Thanks for stopping buy at the tail end of your route. Thanks for making my 6.5 year old kid cry becuase she has already brushed her teeth and is ,like, 5 mintutes away from her bedtime story (The Daring Book for Girls is totally awesome by the way) becuase she stayed up way too late catching lightning bugs with her friend next door, and is now an emotional wreck becuase-
A. she is over-tired from staying up way too late catching lightning bugs with her friend next door and...
2. You never come by Home, Inc. at an appropriate time.
Maybe your trying to broaden your demographic to include the "midnight tokers" to your route. You're a little early holmes. Come by around 11:30 p.m. With no "Ice Cream" music. I'll be the one in the Yoda pajamas.

Brilliant. Let's add Spongebob to that list. I've never seen so many phallic symbols in one cartoon. The creator has serious issues with his mother.

Fuckn awesome post.

Farve who cares. You are irrelevant. Spend your millions, relax, spend time with your family.

Work email fuck off and die.

I have a plan. Let's send Brett Favre to BlogHer and have him provide a lecture on how acting like a giant full-of-yourself ass can result in people everywhere saying you suck. I know that is what many of the catty BlogHer attendees are doing, but I feel it would give more weight to the lecture if Brett gave it.

Yeah, I have all kinds of hot and sweaty but perfectly chaste man-love for you, Danny.

*awkward tripod hug*

Also I hate to drop condor shit on the parade but no matter what they say and do right now they are complete f*ing angels compared to what they're going to be like when they're in high school.

Could everyone just get off my back about having babies? Yes my husband and I have been married for 6 years, but does that mean I need to hear you parents bitch and moan every time we see you? If you want babies, have your own damn kids. Did you ever consider that maybe we are trying to have kids and we aren't having much luck and everytime you whine to me about it I get just a little more depressed that we are having problems in that area? Seriously, shut it. I'm done.
Thanks for the opportunity to vent Danny. Definitely needed it this Monday morning.

To the kid who came to camp with lice - f*ck you.

Don't you hate it when people crow about themselves and how utterly fucking loved and popular and splendid they are? I hate people like that. Humble is good.

Oh, and that's not directed towards anyone you might know. I just had to get that shit off my chest.

Okay - whew - Danny you rock. I don't comment that often, but today. Today I will. Here goes.
Mom - Stop being so manipulative, if you continue to use my children in this manor, I will not remove them from your life, but they will do it themselves someday, just as I pretty much have.
Mother in law - please for the love of god, LISTEN to the answer when you ask a question and set the camera down for 5 minutes, your pictures are crappy anyway.
oldest daughter - stop testing me with an attitude I thought was reserved for a 16 year old.
youngest daughter - stop taking off your diaper, unless you want to pee in the toilet
husband - I love you, but stop leaving your goddamn empty hanger on the shower door EVERY morning.
Last but not least, to the check out girl at Super Target - yes, you twit, you can be married and not have your wedding ring on while shopping at the grocery store and no you don't need the explanation that I left in my soap dish after scrubbing a pan and forgot to put it on.
Oh they may be petty some of them, but they are my current rages. Thanks for letting me vent here ;)

Danny!!!!!!11!!!!

You rock, dude...

Ok, now that that is all out of my system. Thanks for saying what needed to be said.. Next time I'm in a Berkley Sex shope... umm... nevermind...

Peace,
Matty

I absolutely hate when people refer to a mixed-gendered group as "guys". You wouldn't call a group of men "girls" or "ladies" unless they were in Boot Camp. How about showing a similar amount of respect for women that don't like to be referred to using a male moniker, especially since English has the great, multi-purpose pronoun "you", which can refer to either one person or a group of people?

I've been keeping an eye on your Blog. Seriously... I was thinking you might just rock... this seals the deal! You fuckin' rock, dude! This old broad is totally in lust!

Don't even get me started on Brett Favre.

I'm not kidding.

Oh my GOSH that is such a breath of fresh air. Yes!!!

I would like to tell the jackhat who just cancelled his contract on our house for the stupidest reasons to eat it and thanks for wasting 2 weeks of prime house selling time, you dumbass.

Ah, I feel better already.

To my older brother, who lives out of the country: FUCK OFF! Who has done all the work moving OUR parents (literally and their belongings) to assisted living? Who has been the only one (with husband) cleaning up the leftover household and dealing with all that entails? Who has wiped their parents butts when they pooped themselves and cleaned their vomit? Who has been with them EVERY time one of them is in the hospital and stayed with the other? I'm not looking for a medal, but DO NOT come in and say I haven't taken care of things good enough or fast enough when you, brother, come in for a 1 1/2 week visit and do NOTHING!!! FUCK YOU! Very much. And to my stepbrother, who lives in the same city as our parents and has done NOTHING to help move our parents: Thanks dude. I live 30 minutes away and still make it every night after work and every weekend to help empty and clean their house ... a little help would be appreciated ... other than simply taking a couple of things that you wanted - and that my husband brought to your house with no help from you. I just want a little help. This isn't an easy task.

I couldn't agree more with the whole BlogHer thing, and also with BHJ. I started reading him, but he just seems so bitter about everything. I think it's because Dooce ignores him. Time for him to get over himself.

to stupid LTF members with children- get over it the f-in policies are not going to change!!! they are in place for the safety of your children sorry for the inconvience it causes your rich spoiled little ass- if you do not give a shit about your 2 year olds well being just leave them home alone with knives and a few loaded guns.
University of Memphis staff- know your fucking job, update peoples account learn how to NOT be rude bitches, or just go ahead and make the world a better place and KILL YOURSELF.
mother-in-law from hell- your son married me and no amount of money is going to change that, nice try bitch.
to my ex-sister- either go to thearpy or drop off the face of the earth, everything you do makes your daughter, your mother and anyone else who is stupid enough to talk to you miserable.

thank you. i feel better.

Mother in law who lovingly states "I just don't KNOW you any more" to her son - WTF - YOU don't know shite and we like it like that.

God damn it, Danny. I clicked over to that POS guy's site to see what all the fuss was about and had to leave a nasty, unlady-like comment. You got me all fired up and now I'm just mad that I gave him the traffic. (Although I did get to call him a whiny bitch and that felt kinda cathartic.)

Things I'm currently mad about: No one believes me that Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck are THE SAME PERSON, Trader Joe's was out of their famous BBQ sauce this weekend, and this wicked case of inertia I have going on.

Ok, now I'm a little scared for the Maverick...
But yes, since you have so generously provided the opportunity, here I go:

Dear Daughter, you do not have to investigate every public bathroom we come across. This especially bothers me when you do it the very second my food gets set down at the table. Please realize that public bathrooms are all icky, you do not need to confirm it.

Dear Son, When you asked the lady at the post office "What does that button do?," she gave you a perfect explanation and when she was done, you looked at her and asked "What does that button do?" I'm considering getting tests run on you. Seriously.

Dear Cat, We humans have a saying "Curiosity Killed the Cat." If you sneak up on me while hubby and I are gettin our naughty on and stick your whiskers near my ass again, you will find out what curiosity does to you.

Thanks. I'm done.

T. Boone's oil fields are drying up but he has plenty of natural gas. If only there was a mass market for natural gas that would drive up the price...oh wait, that's what he's doing.

Read the plan. He talks a lot about wind, but really wants to replace gasoline with natural gas...in our cars. A non-renewable source of energy for our cars...where have I heard of such a thing before?

Damn Danny, I've been reading you for awhile and loved it, but damn you may now be my hero. Perfect Monday post.

Rant of the day: Lady in the next cubicle I don't care that your having a bad day, have you noticed that there are others in the office who actually have to work then listen to you whine that your having a bad day, and if your going to make a personal call, can you manage to do it so the entire office doesn't have to hear that your family is crazy!

Dear cry baby bloggers,

Stop whining about how you "aren't popular" and "no one reads you" and start actually blogging.

Hey ....
Please stop talking and listen to what I might have to say for once. I think this is part of your job description. And I don't mean hear my voice. I mean LISTEN!! LISTEN!! You are driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Danny for the opportunity!! I feel much better now.

This is a good morning for this.

Breakfast establishments, apple butter will never be jelly. Apple butter is tasty, but I want jelly.

Hey, metabolism, what the fuck happened? Did 35 have to be the fat birthday?

Oh Bret Favre...
I'm a die-hard Eagles fan, but I think we have a bit of a bum of a QB. My boyfriend on the other hand is a diehard Bills fan. He was away last week. So we're chatting on the phone while he's watching Sports Center and he says to me... you'll never guess who just signed Favre. Me: "The Bills?" Him: "Nope. The Eagles." I went off. He was totally pulling my leg. It was not cool. But pretty hilarious.

To my future mother in law: Stop acting like an immature brat who is entitled to everything in this world. News flash! The world does not revolve around you, so stop playing the role of the victim. If you didn't want neighbors, then you shouldn't have fucking moved near people.

Scuse me mom of 2 year old boy who just squirted my 2 year old little girl in the back of the head with a water hose, please pay attention, get your kid under control, it isn't cute when he does these things, it's annoying.

Dad of 2 year old little boy, your drunken karaoke at this company picnic was better in your head than out loud. Just sayin.

I have one!

Why is it that the bitch next to me got 9 WEEKS off for freaking bunion surgery on her feet and I only get 6 WEEKS for pushing a child out of my vagina? That shit ain't right!

I want to be a mommy blogger.

Dear State Health Insurance - Please explain why an immigrant to this country needs only to provide one form of ID when applying, while my family of born & raised Americans must provide two forms of ID each and a SS card is not one of those ID's?

Dear Neighbor - While I realize that you have unlimited texting, I DO NOT! You live 30 feet from my front door. Please stop texting me to ask me what I'm doing?

Dear 1-Year-Old Terrorist - I know you love to read your books, but is it absolutely necessary to tear every single one of them out of the box in the 30 seconds after I pick them up. And while I'm at it, there is no escape hatch in the bathroom and I promise that if I go in there to grab a hairbrush, the TUMS, or a tissue, I will not vanish! Therefore, I am not impressed when you stop everything to scream hysterically at the bathroom door!!

WOW!! That was refreshing! And I totally agree with the Disney characters, but throw the entire Nickelodeon channel in there while you're at it!

Is baseball season over yet? Just sayin' - football season coming soon!