I was about to start this entry by saying the subject matter is “neither here nor there”, but I stopped myself because that’s just a really weird cliché and I’d prefer not to perpetuate it unless absolutely necessary, and aside from my wedding and my son’s bris (circumcision) I’ve never encountered a scenario when saying things just to say them was necessary (as in, “Yes, rabbi, I will permit you to ceremonially mutilate my newborn son’s junk because Jewish men aren’t supposed to have that weird sausage casing over their John Edwards. Amen.”), but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.

My point being that I don’t really like the way things feel between my toes. Specifically the big toe and the one next to it, which doesn’t have a name other than “the second toe”, and that just hits me as rude and impersonal. From now on, the second toe shall be known as Tom (named after Tom Morello from Rage Against The Machine because although he absolutely shreds on the guitar, everyone knows Zach de la Rocha is the big toe in that band).

My point being that until very recently I did not wear flip-flops. I have very large, very awkward feet. They are as white as an Eskimo’s hiney and, as many of you know, Tom and the third toe on my left foot are webbed. (The third toe will henceforth be called George, named after George Harrison from The Beatles, and if you need me to explain that to you then you’re just a fucking idiot and you should go read Highlights For Children dot com or something.)

My point being that lately I have been feeling a lot more relaxed about things, a lot more like the vibe in SoCal, and I decided to kind of force myself to get used to having shit between my big toe and Tom because you can’t really be SoCal unless you wear flip-flops. So now I wear flip-flops and I’m kind of getting used to them even though my size 13s are still white and webbed and Eskimo’s ass-like.

As I believe I may have mentioned once or fifty times, I’m writing a book. I go different places to write because I find inspiration from lots of different things, like coffee and bagels and whatnot, so Saturday I went to a bookstore because sometimes I like to break the monotony of writing by looking at those tattoo magazines because once in a while some inked-up chick will proudly show off a tattoo of a sunburst on her left boob and that really strikes me as half-sexy, half-disgusting, and the combination of those two conditions helps me write.

My point being that I wore my flip-flops to the bookstore and Biggie and Tom and George and I were sitting there writing something brilliant when some other dude with a laptop sat down in the chair next to me and was all, “Hey, man, can you plug me into the outlet below where you’re plugged in?”

And I was all, “Sure, give me your cord,” and I thought immediately that it sounded like maybe I was trying get hand the dude to hand me his penis, which I most certainly was not.

My point being that he handed me his laptop power cord and I plugged it in but it kept like falling out of the outlet because the outlet was all weird and loose, and I immediately thought that if I ever have to create an ad for premature ejaculation or impotence, I would totally use the image of a power cord falling out of the wall socket.

So I tried again and the cord fell out again. The dude saw the shenanigans and came over to see if he could help, and as he did so his bare leg rubbed up against my bare foot. It felt weird and uncomfortable and inside my head I was screaming – I mean really: screaming – HE’S FLIRTING WITH ME! HE PROBABLY THINKS I WANT TO GRAB HIS QUOTE-CORD-UNQUOTE BECAUSE I HAVE MY FEET EXPOSED! BUT I’M NOT A CORD-GRABBER! I’M MARRIED! TO A WOMAN!

My point being that I reflexively unplugged my laptop, which I believe is the universal sign for “I like vagina so back your hairy man legs away from Biggie and Tom and George”, and packed up my bag and went straight home (emphasis on the word “straight”). When I got there, I put on shoes and socks.

Comments

Hilarious. What is it with guys and their exposed sandal-clad feet? As lily white as I am, the only thing I like about summer is the fact that I can have my feet strapped into minimal footwear at all times.

Dear Danny,

For years you held us in captivity. What did we do, we wonder? Why won't you let us see the light? Are we that hideous? Why are we forced to endure hours upon hours forced into sweaty socks and non-breathable shoes, suffocating with each step while right above us, white pasty legs and knobby knees enjoy basking in the sun and breathing fresh air - taunting us, their ugly step-brothers, trapped in the shoe.

And then for one brief moment we had what we had always wanted....

FREEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Only to have that freedom ripped away like a bandaid from a scab.

Please let us out Danny, don't let one loose socket ban us to a lifetime of darkness.

Sincerely,

Your feet.

Nothin' like a repressed white guy to make you spit your coffee out in the morning. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Now we're calling it John Edwards? John Thomas is going to be so jealous.

My husband doesn't like things between his toes either. He always wears those adidas sandles.

Yeah, I got the same thing going. Sandals all the way for me too. But not in an overly-populated area. That's too much exposure for me.

how do you feel about "it is what it is"??

also. you name your toes. makes me excuse the fact that you were wearing flip flops ;)

Wait. THIS isn't Highlights for Children? All this time, I've been letting my kids play "Hidden Pictures" on this site. Like, find the crooked nipples, webbed toes, and fart videos. Today, we're going to play "find the homophobe".

hahaha, I absolutely hate things between my toes to, I think it has something to do with the fact that I too wear a size 13 and that my big toes on both feet point inward toward my other toes, making it at times look like I only have 4 toes, so you're not alone.

btw, just read through your entire archive after finding your site through another blog, absolutely one of the funniest and at times most inspirational writers on the web in my opinion, keep up the great work and good luck with your book.

I'm the opposite ... I can't NOT wear flip flops or sandals of some sort. It's an Orange County thing I think. And no, I don't have sexy feet.

For Halloween I was an electrical outlet and Briefcase was a plug. Never thought about having his cord stick out for a more realistic effect.

Your fourth and fifth toes get no love, do they?

I just started wearing flip-flops for the first time this summer. Now, I am deeply afraid of ever wearing them again!

Guys are so weird...

Hookay. I think you're safe; I believe the foot-rubbing thing is only valid if you're in a toilet stall in a public restroom. So, no need to panic.

Oh wait. You already did. Hmmmm. A little overreative, are we? Me thinks thou doth protest too much!

LOL (just kidding....Mongo straight!!!).

My husband hates things between his toes too. Michael, Jemaine, Jackie, Marlon, and Tito rarely see the light of day. You'd think they were ugly the way he hides them. But he has really nice boy-piggies. (And he really doesn't call them that, I just thought of the Jackson 5...)

Just got my husband to wear flip flops this summer. He hates them. I just couldn't take him wearing shorts with tennis shoes and socks when it's 110 outside! That being said it's tough being a guy, never knowing if some other guy wants you to plug in his cord. I feel for you and Tom and George too.

Just so you know... eskimo's don't have white hineys. They are actually brown as a buscuit. You stand corrected. heh

Okay, I'm terribly late with this comment, but I didn't want to let it go. It's been a few weeks since I've read because I've been ridiculously busy, but I wanted you to know that I have been reading your site for four and half years just waiting for the post that announced your book. I missed the announcement, but I'm SO thrilled for you that it's finally done(and for me because I get to READ IT)!!! I know it's been in the works for a while but I just want to say THANK YOU for not giving up. I can't wait!!

Oh, my. If that guy was trying to pick you up, I guess that drunk "straight" chick grabbing my breasts at that party really was looking to make me her love slave. I just brushed it off as drunk chick shenanigans and partied on.

As far as man flops, I'm not much of a fan. Unless you're a cute surfer dude, they just look silly on giant man feet. Get yourself some of those Keen strappy sandals so that your toes will be hidden and you can look like Tony the Tiger when you get some sun on your feet. My husband's tiger-striped feet turn me on all summer long.

In Hawaii, we don't wear "flip flops", we wear SLEEPAHS, and sleepahs are not just for wearing; they are especially also for cockroach-smashing, (and also child-tush-spanking, but that probably would not go over very well professionally, for me). Kids also use them for a "Sleepah fight", where they smack each other silly with them. My point being that you could have grabbed your size 13s and smacked the heck out of the guy with the cord, and yelled "Sleepah fight!" and thereby defused any latent homosexual tension.

I'm always here for a helpful suggestion.

In Hawaii, we don't wear "flip flops", we wear SLEEPAHS, and sleepahs are not just for wearing; they are especially also for cockroach-smashing, (and also child-tush-spanking, but that probably would not go over very well professionally, for me). Kids also use them for a "Sleepah fight", where they smack each other silly with them. My point being that you could have grabbed your size 13s and smacked the heck out of the guy with the cord, and yelled "Sleepah fight!" and thereby defused any latent homosexual tension.

I'm always here for a helpful suggestion.

Yuck. I hate feet and can't stand to have anything between my toes. I do my best to avoid looking at people's feet. While I love summer, I can't stand that everyone's nasty ol' feet have to be exposed...lol!

It took me years of trying before I was able to pop my husband's flip flop cherry. But it worked and I'm so proud. If I've got to tolerate thong underwear in my ass, he can handle flip flop straps between his toes. Yeah.

I used to live in West Hollywood. I have a small dog... End of story.

Jeeze, Danny. Lighten up. He's just not that into you ;-)

"and that really strikes me as half-sexy, half-disgusting, and the combination of those two conditions helps me write"

I so get that.

and, no worries.. you have every right to be skeeved out by some dude's hairy walking stick rubbin' up your tootsie.

Ah that's too funny! What is it guys always worrying about people thinking they are gay??

I think you were right to move on 'cause it sounds like that guy, who obviously had a weird fetish for webbed toes, so wanted to shake hands with your John Edwards.

P.S. Your next book should be "I'm Just Not Into Your John Edwards."

My point being.

I'm not a cord-grabber!
Dying.. Gasping for air... Can't breathe! Where's my inhaler! Look at you Danny, making me have an asthma attack! I'm so a flipflop gal. I can't imagine life without them. :) And Merlotmom's right. Would you rather have something between your toes or something up your ass?

I am howling here.

And you should contact drug companies with your ad idea. It's better than Smilin' Bob.

Very funny. I love the John Edwards euphamism. What a tool. I used to love that man! SOB (hey, SOB has two meanings, both of which fit what I want to say exactly-cool).

Awesome. I don't know why I am always amazed that you can make something out of nothing. You know you have that gift, don't you? I guess that's what makes a great writer.... GREAT!

Thanks for the chuckles.

Yah soo get the whole thing about not wanting someone to think you're gay, or that you might be flirting with them, but you should also realize that he probably thought the same thing. CRAP! I brushed his leg... now he thinks I'm gay! The whole foot thing? Just wear those sport-sandal things. No one will ever know your feet came out of the closet. :D

Not really sure what my point being is. But for some reason I totally noticed you flip flops on Saturday!

HAHAHA!! wow. you are utterly absurd.

Congrats on using "John Edwards" in a sentence so quickly!

A fellow web-foot (I actually tried to cut them apart when I was about 6. Didn't work. But I remember it well. LOL)

I enjoy your blog (linked over from Jen Lancaster's site). Look forward to reading your book!

So many men have issues with flip flops-wonder if that is why?

Congrats on using "John Edwards" in a sentence so quickly!

A fellow web-foot (I actually tried to cut them apart when I was about 6. Didn't work. But I remember it well. LOL)

I enjoy your blog (linked over from Jen Lancaster's site). Look forward to reading your book!

You can sport birkenstocks in SoCal. No socks though. Birks are cool cause you don't have the toe thing, which I TO(E)TALLY get, cause feet are gross. And some random stranger TOUCHING yours? I'm going to have to take a shower now. *shudder*.

xo

b.

HAHAHA...so fuckin funny.

When I first met my husband, many, many years ago, he wore flip flops. That was before they became popular for men. I thought he was gay...lol It was years before I could look at at a man wearing them and not think that. Now I think it is sexy.

Dude. You are totally fucked up and weird.

But I love that about you. Mwah!

That was a six pointer..... or is it six "My Point Being's"????

k, my first longterm(arsehole-ish) boyfriend's name was Tom George and now I don't even know what the rest of your post is about cuz all I can think about is wat a git I was and what an ass Tom George was....
what is it you were talking about, anyway????

I believe that's your Index Toe, that Tom there.

My Hubby Gone Mad (who's also a dad but I'm sure I drive him more mad than my offspring) has a 13EEEE with a MISSING Biggie nail (it's downright ooky) and has said eff it for years wearing sandals. He even got a tattoo, on the other foot, mind you, but still. Embrace your quirks.

Wait... your parents let some non-doctor chop the end off your winky-dink, but they didn't have your toes separated so you would look normal and kids wouldn't make fun of you? Gym class must have been pure hell for you.

are you really that homophobic?

I recently found the coolest flip flops evah! (Not the coolest price, but hey) They're made by Reef and they have a bottle opener in the bottom of each one. Seriously Dude! I was so impressed with them I purchased a pair for my hubby, cause i lurve him. Upon proudly presenting this great gift to him I could see him squirm a bit over it, and I found that after 10 year together I had not realized he too does not do "Flip Flops"!!! I was shocked. Well, said flip flops were way too expensive to be tossed in a closet and forgotten, so I returned them and purchased myself a pair.

I'm the most popular girl at the party and I have an excuse to get my pedi every other week! She shoots, she scores!

I didn't realize my hubby didn't wear the flip flops because he does wear Tevas so there you go. And w/size 13 dude you could totally get a cool tat on those! You should so totally do that, just for the blog material, if nothing else!

And your point is?

It's called "the index toe".