When you are being assessed for mental illness by a psychologist, you are asked a series of established, rudimentary questions about what’s happening inside your head. Your answers to these questions, taken individually and cumulatively, help the psychologist determine whether you should be permitted to roam free among the general population or whether you will spend the rest of your life drooling onto your straitjacket as you discuss the merits of a free market economy with your own doo-doo.

This is one of the questions:

“Do you often hear voices that no one else can hear?”

I’ve been asked that question a number of times over the past 10 years, and I’m happy to report that the answer has been no. Every damn time.

But lately I’m not so sure.

See, I can never really be positive as to what “no one else” can or cannot hear. But I have recently started to hear the same damn voices practically everywhere I go, and I need to know if I’m the only one. I hate to have to bring you poor people into the dark recesses of my twisted brain, but you’re my only hope. If you need to leave now and never come back, I’ll understand.

The voices. How to describe them? They most frequently manifest in song, but on the rare occasion when I hear them individually, the quiver in their voices and the relative ambiguity between high pitch and low pitch lead me to believe they are the voices of adolescent males.

And as I said, these voices follow me like my own shadow. Today, for example, I awoke at 6:45 a.m. and immediately heard the voices coming from our living room. They sang, “When you look me in the eyes…and tell me that you love me…” I followed the sound and came upon my daughter sitting on the couch in her pajamas. She was watching TV.

“Did you just hear that?” I said.

“Hear what, daddy?”

“I heard the voices again. Are they here? Are there three adolescent boys in here?”

“No, silly. It’s just me. I’m watching The Jonas Brothers.”

“Oh,” I said, careful not to frighten the poor girl with my suspicions. “OK.”

A few hours later I found myself in a café-style coffee shop in the back of a bookstore (which also sells music). I was writing something, intently focused, when suddenly the voices surfaced again. They were coming from an overhead speaker.

“Hold on…hold on…don’t forget…hold on…”

There was a store employee a few feet away.

“Psst! Psst!”

“Yes, sir? Do you need some help?”

“Did you just hear that?” I asked him.

“Hear what?”

“Those kids. They were saying hold on over and over.”

He looked at me like I was crazy. Which I very well may be.

“N-n-no, sir,” he said. “All I hear is the promotional music we’re playing. I think it’s The Jonas Brothers.”

“Nah,” I barked. “That’s what my daughter said, too. You guys watch too much Disney Channel.”

I heard the voices again at Target, and again later at the gas station. When we went to Disneyland a couple of weekends ago, they followed me. They’re everywhere. I’m getting scared. I don’t think it’s normal to hear the same three voices over and over again no matter where I go. Why do they want me to look them in the eye? Why do they want me to hold on? Are they looking into my soul? Or are they really there at all.

Help me, dear readers. Do you hear these voices, too? Do these three adolescent male voices hound you as relentlessly as they do me? Do people keep blaming it on some phenomenon called The Jonas Brothers? Tell me it’s OK. Tell me I’m not crazy.

I have to sign off now because I told my daughter I’d take her to The Disney Store for a CD of this boy band she likes. Hopefully the voices won’t follow me there.

Comments

First it's the Jonas Brothers, next it will be Marilyn Manson. Watch Out.

My daughter asked me if she could open the front door this morning. I asked why. She said she was pretending The Jonas Brothers were coming over.

we're into that show on the sprout channel (Sally is two), Calliou, and his sweet, simple, high pitched song i've started hearing in my dreams. I may murder him, if i can get my fingers around his polite little neck.

good luck with yours

xo

b.

I think you're destined to many more days of these voices.

Fortunately, I'm in that lovely limbo of being too old, myself, to give a crap about the Jonas Brothers and of having children too young to give a crap about the Jonas Brothers.

But I'll get mine someday. It'll be the Downtown Dudes, or something dumb like that.

All I hear is my psychotherapist mothers voice in the shrouded distance of my unconcious mind telling me to stop go back to church and pray for absolution....Now if it was the Joneseses Bros, then I would really be scared. Get back on your meds bro.

No, I haven't been hearing the voices of three adolescent boys singing for me to hold on.........but I swear to God.......I was at my Starbucks last week and somewhere above me was someone singing Tears of a Clown reggae style.......I tell you neighbor, I hear the strangest things right before I've had my quad grande mocha.....I'm just sayin', Peace, Mike.

I hear them, too. Way too often for my taste.

We've gone from annoying Barney to the equally annoying Jonas Brothers. I am scared to think about what is on the horizon.

the jonas brothers are in my head. all the livelong day.

And I thought it was just me...

I've taken to calling them the Joe Bros cuz it irritates my daughter.

Dear Crazy Dad, Hopefully, you don't mean this! The Jonas Brothers are REAL, everything you heard are actually songs sung by the JONAS BROTHERS! And they WILL haunt you EVERYWHERE you go!!

Hayley, age 10

I have heard of these Jonas Brothers of who you speak...

And I, for the first time in my life, thank the good Lord that I do not have girls.

I am asking you a favor- do you have any advice for getting Laurie Berkner songs out of my head... "Laurie's got a pig on her head"... ?

Those soon-to-be-in-the-tabloids kids are living very near me now. My daughter is giddy, I'm just making sure the truck is locked.

Another question they ask "have you ever wanted to do harm to yourself or others.." hmmm, can you clarify what you mean on that one?

Wow. Luckily I've managed to avoid this phenomenon. Although I was reading the paper yesterday and discovered that there are actually three Jonas brothers. For some reason, I'd always assumed there were two of them. Silly me. Not watching live tv may help. And an uncanny ability to drown out and not even notice background noise.

I was the "normal control" in some psychiatric research studies. I mentioned to the interviewer that I had been tempted to have fun with the answers. Question: "Do you feel that the words in songs are directed to you?" Joking answer: "Not since I bought the CDs." He dropped his head asked me to PLEASE not give that type of answer.

I am so glad I have boys. I saw those freaks on SYTYCD the other night and good lord they have no talent. None.
I went to a New Kids on the Block concert in 1990. On purpose. Don't listen to my opinion. Ever.

Could be worse, dude. My kids were into...shudder...Barney.

I feel your pain, really I do. Too much LSD during my youth and now Noggin earworms and battery-operated toddler toys - I hear voices that aren't even voices!

I sadly admit to letting them into my head willingly.

Not only do I hear them, but it seems to me that they are on NON-STOP on the TV...is there some sort of promotion or marathon occuring? Do they have their own channel now?

Oh geez YES. I mean er - NO, you are not crazy! My daughter is only 6 and I hear some much from her about the Jonas Brothers. Seems she has a huge crush on Joe - man, I don't know which brother is which but she sure does! If I'm not haunted by their music coming from the Disney channel or the radio or a store, she is singing their songs to me. One could certainly mistake that for insanity. It's merely Disney brainwashing!

Shhhhhhhh...don't tell anybody....but I hear them too. You are not alone...

This is when I am so thankful that we don't watch TV - just rent tons of movies from Netflix. My 6yr old daughter has no clue who the Jonas Brothers are and could care less what is going on with Hannah Montanna or the Suite Life, or any of that other crap.

Thank goodness my daughter is only two...and I can hold the Brothers at bay for a bit longer. I do hear a lot of the Max & Ruby theme song though, so I suppose it's already begun.

Wow, your voices sing? Mine only do complex front tracking algorithms. I got to get me some of these Jonas Brothers voices, they sound way more fun.

Relax, they'll go away eventually.

Since I have boys, I was hearing a disembodied young female voice sing "you drive me crazy" and "baby one more time" a few years ago. But soon after it started singing about "boys" it disappeared completely. I now occasionally hear a disembodied young female voice sing about "the best of both worlds," but not often. It, too, will go away.

Self-administer high doses of Allman Brothers, Lynard Skynard, Elvis, early Beatles, Willie Nelson, or AC/DC, and those other voices will be driven out of the house. There is a cure.

OK so I need to rethink my music progamming for our morning show? I only play them about twice a week - but, I will allude to another poster ... I, too, saw the New Kids On The Block in 1990, and I have tickets for this October. Someone needs to take my program director title away and not let me program music, because I also schedule Summertime by New Kids every weekday morning... just so I can hear it at the station I work at.

my girls squeal, actually squeal, at the mention of the Jonas Bros. I guess I was the same way about Keith Partidge and Bobby Sherman when I was their age(s).

I think they all wore the same skinny white pants and share their lip gloss.

Not long ago, I was at this concert and I think I heard those voices too. But, they were quickly drowned out by 15,000 screaming girls.

My 12 year old cousin called me the other day to inform me that she is no longer a Jonas Brothers fan, but a Chris Brown fan. I think I prefer the days of the Jonas Brothers personally.

It's probably just a moth in your ear. Have Hotwife grab a flashlight and take a look.

Thank heavens my daughter is not old enough for this. By the time she's of age to swoon over boy bands, these guys will have succumbed to drugs or baby making of their own.

a few things:

a) god i am so glad i do not have kids because i do not have to be fucking exposed to that "music" (using the term "music" lightly).
b) i do actually hear voices.. now let me explain. when i read a book or even this blog in my head i "hear" the voice of the character {of in the case of DGM} the kick ass jew that writes here!

Warning...

It is a Disney plot to take over the one area that they do not completely control yet...our thoughts. This is thought control in action and since they have the minds of our youth...they are moving in for the kill.

Soon the brothers shall display large round growths from the tops of their heads as they sing and shall speak in falsetto...either that or one will start dating Paris Hilton and they will follow all the others that have come before them...by becoming paradies of themselves.

Either way it'll be entertaining :)

Oh how suspicious I am that you are secretly in love with the Jonas Brothers. I think you're obsessing and can't get them out of your head. Blaming it on your daughter...now that's low.

Oh, yes - the Jonas Brothers! We have CDS, posters plastered all over my 10 yr. old's room, t-shirts, homemade earrings with JB on them... and the BEST... My husband was away on business last week, and on the JB website, you can insert your face (or someone else's) on a body and make a cheesy prom type pic. My daughter put her father's head on a body and stood him next to all of the Jonas Brother's, printed it out and wrote in magic marker, "Look, it's the Jonas Brothers!" Then with an arrow next to hubby's head wrote "He's my favorite."

Welcome to hell, my friend. Wait until you go to a concert and hearing the voices of a million screeching preteen girls. Bring alcohol.

I am so thankful for the Jonas Brothers. 'Cause when they're singing? Miley Montana ISN'T. Ah, what a blissful few moments.....

You mean there are more annoying things following Barney, Laurie Berkner and Dan Zanes??

Somehow my daughter managed to NOT like or ever watch Hannah Montana- thank goodness, but I don't think I can handle pre-teen boy group right now.

I'm doing good with goofball Veggie Tales songs...but I kind of like those myself :-D

My husband woke me up on the one day a MONTH I sleep in with a panicked story about how there was a voice saying, "Help me!" coming from my dog's stomach. He was dead serious. I drag myself downstairs, listen to the dog's stomach, and feed him. "Help me!" noises immediately cease.

Do you two hang out when I'm not around?

And! I, too, caught 11 seconds of the Jonas Brothers on SYTYCD and I've never been more thankful for TIVO. They really, really suck.

I just want to say - I have a LOVE HATE Relationship with those Jonas Boys - while their music does drive me bonkers (LITERALLY), their efforts to raise awareness of Type 1 Diabetes (which the youngest 1 has) and bring it to light as a separate disease then Type 2 Diabetes is a God Send. Not only that, my 10 yr old Type 1 girl is now so IN LOVE with that boy because she can relate...so yeah - I hate their music, but I LOVE them...good luck with that CD. I hope your ears don't start bleeding!

Those Jonas boys gave me my first "Geez mom, you're not cool" moment. So I am not loving them right now. I walked into MY own bedroom to find my children watching MY TV in MY bed. They were of course watching Disney Channel cartoons, and there was a commercial or something with the Jonas' on it. I asked who they were. My 5 year old son said, "Uh, duh, the Jonas Brothers!?!?" I kicked his little smart ass out of my bed and shut off the TV.

What I'm hoping for most is that my kids take the road I took when I was 12 and everyone was swooning over New Kids on the Block. I NEVER listened to them. I think it might work out. I haven't been asked to go to a Jonas concert. I am being asked to go to Maroon 5, which I will happily oblige. We went to Bon Jovi/Daughtry. And I know the day Panic! or Fall Out Boy comes to town, I'll be there too. And that's fine with me... as long as Jonas Brothers isn't the opener...

The what brothers? Guess I'm one of the lucky ones who isn't annoyed by them, we don't have the Disney channel. Seriously, I didn't know who they were until they showed up on the cover of the lastest issue of Rolling Stone and my husband was so annoyed that he ripped the cover off and swore not to renew his subscription if they ever dared show up there again.

My 4yr old daughter loves all that is Disney , minus the Jonas Bros. She loves Dan Zane. Musically it is more enjoyable. But I'm sure that this means that the boys she likes will be the crazy haired skater-surfer artsy , pot smokers. I'm almost wishing she liked the Jonas Bros, just for a minute,until I hear the voices.

The Jonas Brothers, with their prepubescent voices scaret he bejesus out of me, I'm not gonna lie.

In relation and yet totally unrelated, for the love of god, will some please BAN SKINNY JEANS ON BOYS? It's never flattering. It's too much truth in advertising. "Oh, I see you have on some very tight -in the package region- skinny jeans. Yeah. {snicker} No thanks."

Hmmm....

I just had the dorkiest reaction to the dorkiest thing. I clicked on your website and it went to the 'web page cannot be displayed' message for some reason. I had a momentary panic thinking you had closed your site and what the hell was I going to read now (um, a BOOK?) reaction! Luckily I refreshed and there you were, creepy voices in head and all.

(By the way, I think I may win on the creepy voice category. For some reason, all week I keep thinking I hear Joan Jett. 'I love rock-n-roll...' But there is no music on...it isn't just me - that's creepy, right?

I have voices too - you are not alone as I can see! LOL

Mine are more like "Mommy can I?...." and there are no children around!! Freaky!

I have absolutely no idea of what these guys sound like, thank god.

plenty of other voices though...

Oh you're hearing them alright! They used to call themselves "New Kids on the Block" when my girls were your kids age. Then they changed their name to alternate between "N'Synch" and "The Backstreet Boys".

So they're calling themselves "The Jonas Brothers" now huh? Well I call them spawns of Satan and I would advise you to do everything in your power to exorcise them from you home before they morph into something even more insidious like... real live teenagers.

Though I could be over reacting just little.

I don't hear those particular voices because my sons think those voices suck ass.

Dan...don't worry you are totally sane! Although you are being brainwashed by Disney. A recent Target sale paper showed Jonas Brothers bedding. My daughter said she wanted to get it so she could sit on Joe's face all the time! Ummm....she's nine....totally innocent. I hope....

Thankfully, I don't hear them since I have only one boy, who is too young to drive me insane with that stuff yet.

I have, however, seen their eyebrows . . . these are equally horrifying.

Who is this "Keith Partridge" of which you speak? Damn, there's some old folk reading DGM, eh?

Now, Michael Jackson pre-nose-peel and boy fondling...

NOW. WE. ARE. TALKING.

Too bad he couldn't keep his demons locked up (but maybe he'd like the JB's?).

From the lips of my 14 year old this weekend: "Mom, this Jonas Brothers song is LYFE, with a Y!!"
I have nfc what the crap that means, but I'm pretty sure it's equal to knarly, cool, rad or bitchin'.

That's funny. Something keeps following me, but I think it's a visual thing. I keep seeing this thing called Dad Gone Mad. Who is he? Is it a conspiracy? Are they trying to make me think I'm crazy, too? (I think they're all out to get me!)

OMG just starting therapy which I should have done a million years ago, and having a little boy who constantly sings S.O.S. I am SO there with you. Thank you, as always, for the laugh.

COULD BE WORSE.... COULD BE THE NAKED BROTHERS BAND.

NO

SERIOUSLY

MUCH.MUCH.WORSE

Danny, I once heard voices that weren't there. I was in Lake Tahoe at a party with a bunch of friends (college days) and on mushrooms at the time. True story, when I asked my friend who had also eaten mother nature's finest about the voices he told me "I was fucked up in the head." As you can imagine, this so called support from my friend freaked me out so I ran laps around the block for about 1 hour straight. All was good after that. May I suggest you take up jogging....

Be strong, man. Be strong.

Listen to me, darling -- count yourself lucky it's the Jonas Brothers and not the fricking Naked Brothers Band. A quick youtube/google search will reveal to you the true horror that is mine...

Yes, I think I hear them everywhere. Them and that annoying Hannah chick. Oh wait, maybe it's my freaking kid singing the songs all day.

Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. The Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana will surely be the death of me.

I am happy to say that I do not know what the Jonas Brothers sound like. However, I do know what they look like. I see them everywhere! They are on posters, on Rolling Stone and other assorted magazines, I refuse to get cable yet somehow I still see them on television. The same three adolescent boys staring back with these creepy 'come hither' looks.

Oh, you poor poor man. I too have the voices. They are everywhere. In the car, at home, on vacation, visiting friends and relatives. I know my daughter hear them.

Great blog, glad I stumbled in. Congrats on the book.

The Jonas Brothers are creepy I 16 and just to let you know they are a popular band.You probably don't udnerstand it's just like when you had your favorite actors or band during your time.I love the Jonas Brothers and I hope your not implying that they are a night mare. You want to know who I see everywhere Miley Cyrus! I despise her.