I lost my job three months ago and I can now say without equivocation that I’m glad. I’m glad they thought I was expendable. Honestly, being canned was as great a turn of events in my life as marrying the spectacular woman who kicks me in the middle of the night when I snore. Although it was not a decision I made for myself, it changed my life for the better.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like a normal human being. I know my kids again. I work on my own terms, at my own pace, for my own benefit. I took Friday off to go to the beach with Hot Wife. I took this morning off to wrestle with my son and remind him that he’d better stay in line or I will definitely put him in a sleeper hold and draw him a Sharpie mustache. These are the things I’ve always wanted to do. This is the me I’ve always wanted to be. It has been a lifelong dream to threaten my offspring with physical graffiti. I’m living the dream, people.

But I’m a realist. I know this can’t last forever. Eventually the book will be done, the freelance work will dry up, and I will again need to find a regular job. Part of me looks forward to that day with shear terror. The other part looks forward to benefits and steady pay and the occasional free bagel/donut/slice of pizza.

The relaxed life I’ve lived for the past 12 weeks has given me a chance to seriously consider what kind of job I want for myself, and I have finally reached a firm idea of what I think will be the perfect full-time gig for me:

I want to write dick spam.

Every now and again I peruse my junk mail folder to see if the writing’s any good. Believe me: it is. While the prose is somewhat amateurish and manic, the real gems of erotica are the creative ways in which the author refers to the penis. Having been to college and summer camp and my fair share of porn sites, I assumed – falsely – that I’d heard the best of mankind’s imagination when it comes to Things We Call The Penis Besides Penis. But oh how mistaken I was.

The invention of Viagra and its kin has opened a secret trap door through which spam authors have soared, bringing with them a new genre. It’s incredible really. In the past week, I have been the unworthy recipient of email detritus wherein the male genitalia has been referred to as:

• Love missile
• Man muscle
• Moneymaker
• Cum catapult
• Sperm gun
• Gravy boat
• Goo doll

You can’t teach that kind of insight. You either have it or you don’t. I wonder: do I?

Beginning today, I will be scouring the job boards for opportunities under the heading “senior copywriter, dick spam.” But I need your help. If you could each leave with your comment one creative reference to the penis, I will be certain to give you credit when I author the spam email in which it is used.

Please and thank you.

Comments

Salami Shooter

Gravy Boat? Unfortunately, 18-year-old-Daughter suggested Love's Sweet Arrow.

CEO (chief ejaculating officer)

Wanger.

Hot Rod. I don't know why, but it has always been my favorite....

Python of Love

Cash and prizes. Conveniently, can be used to refer to male or female genitalia.

My favourite spam so far had this as the subject header:

Supersize your McDick

Still makes me laugh

The Drill Sargent

baby cannon

gob stopper

love truncheon

spencer rocket

baton of love

I'll stop there.....

John Edwards

Continental soldier

Mr. Happy? (obvious, I know... my husband actually somehow reached age 35 without giving his little friend a name, but when pressed this was what he came up with.)

also, John Edwards? HEE.

the Tower of Terror.
Power Cord
Heat-seeking missile

Twig and Berries

Did you know cucumbers have little spines on them when you first pick them? Hence... The Pokey Pickle.

Tallywacker
Kazinski (the unabomber)

Frank and Beans
Schwanz
Jake the Snake
Russell the One Eyed Muscle

I'm out...

Oscar Meyer
tent pole
family jewels

Gristle Missle

Plus this list is hilarious should you ever find yourself writing romantic fiction and the "sinewy length of him": http://home.epix.net/~jlferri/penis.html

Heat Seeking Moisture Missle
Purple Helmut Warrior

Romance Package.

Love log

I have nothing to add, but want to know where to send the bill for monitor cleaning after I blew muffin spit upon reading John Edwards....

Part 2: What to *DO* with it:
Practicing the manly art of self-gratification.

Hmmm... I know way more terms for female genitalia (Bacon Hole, Winking Eye of Jesus are two of my favorites) so I'm a bit stumped here. So these are just some off the cuff.

Jelly Rope Shooter
Verne Troyer's/Gary Coleman's Right Arm
Count Cockula
Cock You Like A Hurricane
Stanford

... I'm out.

The Baloney Pony
Buster Hymen

Oh yeah,

Meat and potatoes

Love Lollipop

-doughnut holder
-organic dildo
-purple-headed trouser snake
-wife's best friend
-Vagina Viper
-Single Barreled Pump Action Yogurt Rifle

I hear romance novels are full of this sort of thing... try them!

not so much a reference to the actual member...but the best title of a dick spam email i got recently? Moulin Splooge. ahahahahahaha!

Clam stabber
Pork sword
Beaver Cleaver
Custard Canon

...all these I remember, and yet I can't remember to pay my bills...

Old Faithful

Off the top of my head:

The Top of My Head
Godhammer
The Mighty Morning Meat Train
Meat and Two
The Buckskin Stallion
Mister Fatjack
The Meatrix
The Trick
The Carpet Bomber
The Clublike Dong
Womb Cannon
Hog Hurler
Rufus Who?
Stankstick
Thor's Noodle
The Smoker
Laid-Off Staff
The Hydraulics
Boneripper
The Pope's Funny Hat

Beaver's Tail

Bush Basher

Vagina Pump

tube snake
ole one eye

One only has to watch Burgess Meredith in the Grumpy Old Men movies to come up with a long list:
leaky dinky
beefy baloni
boni macaroni
fatty alfredo
hard salami
hot dog
skinboat
wild baloni pony
spicy peppy pepperoni
man sized manicotti
old one eye

Smooth sided Abyssinian fish ferret.

the one-eyed trouser snake, of course

and

The Bald Avenger (Capitalized by husband)

the one-eyed trouser snake, of course

and

The Bald Avenger (Capitalized by husband)

What i have often heard my husband say - don't ask me why i thinkk he just likes the way it sounds!

MANDIGO OF LOVE

The Purple Headed Warrior ... put it in plural form and you have the name of my fantasy football team!

Does no one say "throbbing member" anymore?

Ha! You have the best comments on the web today. What a creative audience. And quite the sizeable goal. Heh.

In my current state of affairs, we call it The Baby Maker.

Oh my goodness! I had no idea there were so many options!
How about...well only a REAL man could take it...the little man? (meaning a miniature version of the BIG man)

The Giving Tree
Chief of Staff
Knob

My personal favorite was a piece of mail addressed to 'Rooster-Challenged Guys"

Okay, so it's not about "John Thomas", but a testicular cancer charity has some great PSAs on the "boys". The Sing A Long link has a variety of alternatives.

http://www.carpetestes.org/

My other favorite is "Check-em"

flavor injector
cream shooter