After 38 years of waiting to live my dream, you’d think I would have been more prepared for the pickles* and pitfalls that have accompanied it. Turns out there’s more to writing a book than tapping out words on a keyboard. There are other people involved, and for some reason it’s my job to worry about their property and their feelings and the likelihood that they’d even consider buying a book with a Yiddish word in the title.

I bet Chuck Klosterman doesn’t have to fuss with all of this bullshit and minutiae. He probably has people for that. People with fancy cars and lots of patience and polo-style shirts embroidered with the Klosterman Bullshit and Minutiae Team logo. That’s my goal. Assuming this book gets finished, and assuming a few people buy it, and assuming I come up with an idea for a second book, my goal is to have my own BMT. But I’ll need to come up with a different name. Something more electric. Something more Yiddish. The Meshugenah Motherfuckers. Suck on that one, Klosterman.

What kind of bullshit? What will be the specific job description of The Meshugenah Motherfuckers? As far as I can tell so far, it will include the following:

1) Tell my kids to shut up so I can write.

2) Get permission from the record companies to let me use their artists’ song lyrics. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Should be a matter of a few calls or emails. Maybe a form or two. You’d think so, I know, but that doesn’t take into account the game-changing revelation that record company legal departments live in a world where communication with the outside world has not yet been invented. You need a constitutional amendment just to get the rights to use a few lines from “If I Were A Rich Man.” (Obviously NOT the line that goes: “Yabba-Dibba-Dibba-Dibba Dabba-Diddy-Diddy-Dum.”** Gibberish is not protected by copyright laws.)

3) Make contact with everyone mentioned in the book (even those whose names have been changed to protect their innocence, my ass or both) and ensure that they’re cool with how they’re portrayed. It’s inevitable that feelings will be hurt and a virtual certainty that I will be villanized*** over some things, but it would be really helpful for me to have someone to blame that on.

4) Find the most compelling language with which to assure me that the book doesn’t suck. Repeat until I ask you to stop. Which will be never.

5) Go to Middle America and determine the acceptable ratio for profanities per 80,000 words. Because I feel like I’m doing a lot of swearing in the book and I most certainly wouldn’t want to offend people anymore than they’ll be already offended by my incessant references to my genitals, my self-abuse and my unbridled disrespect for pretty much everything.

* I'm not certain this was the right choice of words.
** This isn't the song I use in the book. Merely an example.
*** Why isn't that word in the dictionary? I demand an investigation.

Comments

Danny, if this book is up to scratch, I may convert.

Snip snip and all....

You make me glad that I'll never be in your shoes.. even if I'd want to be. ;-)

oh.. and perhaps try 'villainized'?

'Cause it's spelled "villianized". You owe me $87 dollars for my Dick Tracy skillz.

The acceptable ratio of profanities per 80,000 words should directly correlate with the number of references to your genitals. Honest. I looked it up.

I think this will help you to skirt around the issue of swearing, while at the same time staying true to your Yiddish desires.

http://www.youswear.com/index.asp?language=Yiddish

My advice?

Stay on the meds; then after the books get published, plead temporary insanity.*

Joe

* Not to be confused with actual legal advise.

Technically, I think it's "villified" not villanized or villainized.... :)

I would happily come do all those things for you!

Numbers 3,4, and 5 should not even be on the list. I know it's going to be great and I can't wait to read it.

Anything over 50% swear words *might* be too much.

Found you through Miss Doxie comments. I'm Catholic, but I love and use Yiddish words. There are so many that capture things for which English has no words.

Also, the Meshuganeh Motherfuckers would make an awesome name for a rock band. If it was a book, I'd buy it just to have that title on my shelves.

whatever you write! I'm there buying it - maybe it'll give me an insight on my hubby - he's now Jewish but heck, any reference to a psychotic and all-out weird guy might help me out! LOL

You keep up the good work - do you really have to get everyone's approval? I would rather write a book just to see how many people I pi$$ off!!! And in my family, that would be too many to count! LOL

DU!!! not now - not!!

I think I need to give birth already - this lack of medication is driving me insane!

Hmmmmmm ... and I keep waiting to get sued just for stuff I write about on my blog. How much do we have to disguise true identities of people we write about? If we substitute friggin' for fuckin' every fourth time we want to use the F word, is that enough? You've brought up some questions for thought Danny ...........

Where should I send my resume?

Now you've got that damn song in my head!
I need to call my mother now.
Here's a title for your book, "Got Guilt? Want some?"
No Yiddish, but it has Jewish written all over it. (Spoken from a chosen one.)

I would totally give you a write up for the cover or sleeve or whatever, if they'll allow me to describe your goodness using terms like "orgasmic euphoria" and "titilating joy."

Also, totally off-hand, but can I just tell you that the best piece I think you ever wrote was the one about driving along the PCH with the family, the little-man-syndrome car club cutting you off and the whole "I'm gonna blog you mother fuckers!" beatdown? I told that to my Mormon mother who know thinks you're The Shit because of it. Mormons and Jews get along like that. Apparently.

I didn't make it as a Little lebowski Urban Achiever, but I bet I'd make a great Meshuganeh Muthafucka!

I have no idea what the process for permission to print a few lyrics would be (as I do if you wanted permission to actually record a song) but I would bypass the record labels and go straight to the publishing companies, if you know which publishers dealt with the songs you're interested in. The record labels own the recordings, but the publishers own the songs. Anyway, in my experience, it's a bit easier to establish coherent communication with publishers because they're heads aren't stuck quite as far up their rear ends as record execs' are.

also try harryfox.com-- it's a company that deals specifically with licensing songs. I don't know if you'll find what you need there, but it's a good place to check.

good luck!

The way I see it is if I'm getting off my ass to write a book, I give a shit if everyone likes. I don't see them getting into gear and going out on a limb to subject the world to their ideas, attitudes and opinions. You can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, so screw them and get yours.

Villanized doesn't exist.. but 'ginormous' does. The English language has about as much hope as Spanish aircraft.

Oh. Too soon?

I'll sign up to be a Meshugenah Motherfucker....I know a lot of Yiddish allready (pretty good for a gentile)... =)

i live in middle of america and there is no such thing as TOO many swear words

I am available for hire as your Meshugenah Motherfuckers team captain. And if you're smart, you'll have *US* lead the investigation into this words-missing mystery dictionary investigation.

And by the way, I consider it highly ironic -- Highly, I tell you -- Meshugenah is a word used in Arabic, too. I mean, really. Why can't we all just get along?

*** I think you're looking for vilified.

Danny - The more you write about the book your writing the more impatient I get. I WANT THIS BOOK NOW!!!!

I agree with Mikey Mike, I've read your entire archive on this site, and the more I see you write about this book(or just write in general, your writing kicks serious ass dude), the more I want your book.

I'm your man.

The Meshugenah MoFos should also be tasked with keeping you in adequate amounts of Belgian beer. Let's keep our priorties straight, shall we?

I CANNOT believe I came across a reference to CHUCK KLOSTERMAN on your website. I knew him in college... we both had fake IDs made by the same guy... what a trip! Good luck with your book... and may it sell twice as many copies as Chucks... (I never really did like the guy!)

"Gibberish is not protected by copyright laws."

I wouldn't bet on that.

So glad I read the comments: Miss Doxie is back?

I had no idea that when writing an autobiography you had to find everyone you wrote about and ask if they are ok with what you've said about them. That certainly can't be the case over here in the UK- a biography just doesn't sell if someone isn't slandered/exposed/trashed. See the autobiography of Cherie Blair for details (Ok that didn't sell anyway, but you get my drift)

Arg. It's VILLANIZE - to make vile or to debase. I thought only high school students didn't use a dictionary! Segue to why Yiddish is helpful in my job....high school teacher. Kids stop whining and pay attention when I tell them to stop kvetching ;) "Did she say what I think she said? OMG!"

Can't wait for your book to come out.

I think the hardest part will be the whole kids thing. You'll have to turn up the ignorify knob to 11.

If the people don't like the way they're portrayed you can do the old, "Screw you, you vain asshole. It's not you. Look, the name isn't even the same."

I had no earthly idea that writing a book would involve so much BS. That is just crazy but I guess you have to keep from getting sued. But, seriously, what happened to freedom of speech?

I want the job of Meshugenah MoFo. Are you holding interviews yet?

There is no such thing as too much swearing. Then again I work in construction so my opinion could be skewed.

So over dinner last night I asked my honey why he didn't just get snipped already since it's much easier than me getting fixed, and after I plied him with liquor, read him your stories, and promised to buy the frozen peas and be on standby for BJs anytime/anywhere for the next 100 years (don't worry - I'm always like that he just forgot cause of the liquor) - HE AGREED!!!! (also I checked again this morning in his sober state and he still agrees!!) Thank you Danny for convincing men across the coast that its perfectly manly to get snipped!!!!!!

"Also, totally off-hand, but can I just tell you that the best piece I think you ever wrote was the one about driving along the PCH with the family, the little-man-syndrome car club cutting you off and the whole "I'm gonna blog you mother fuckers!" beatdown? I told that to my Mormon mother who know thinks you're The Shit because of it. Mormons and Jews get along like that. Apparently."

My parents are also Mormon, and I'm prepared to agree wholeheartedly with this statement. That really was the best blog ever (and, in fact, the first posting of yours I ever read).

ANYWAY, good luck with the book-writing. The hoops you're jumping through will probably be worth it...? I'm buying a copy and telling all my friends to buy one too, so hurry it up already! :)

Villanize is in my dictionary. And it's on dictionary.com.

i've got your back on #2. one of the many hats i wear at work is 'getting permission from various tight-asses to use lyrics from songs in our books'

don't try for the yellow submarine. we've been in negotiation hell for the last 5 months. ;)

If I'm on your team then I'll need a team of my own to take up the slack in my house during my absence.

Man, the future's so bright that you gotta wear shades!

How about just writing the way you write, and don't overthink it? I LOVE your writing on this blog and am not offended by it - just amused. People are going to buy it because of how you write, not how you think people want you to write. I hope I didn't overanalyze what you were saying - just want you to know you're great just as you are!

You officially have my permission to, and I'll back you if anyone asks, to claim that I am really that "person" who you wrote about in an offending way. Go ahead and take shots at anyone you like. I'll cover for you.

Sensitive person: My feelings were hurt when you wrote....
DGM: Really, I wasn't referencing you at all
Sensitive person: I know it was me, you described me perfectly
DGM: Nope, really it's the crazy person who lives in Seattle, I swear.

I think it could work.

Well, as another person who is not Jewish but loves many Jewish foods and traditions...I can see myself getting mad at my friend Ivan and screaming, "Listen you MM!!..."

I almost but not quite got in a whole raft of trouble because I printed dadgonemad at work. REAMS of paper. I hope to Christ I haven't violated any copyright laws. You want I should send you some money?

Danny...

Secretly? Middle America ADORES profanity.

I think it was Hemingway who said authors should never swear in their books.
Fuck him.

Dude- have you read Chuck Klosterman? Because it would take a very valiant effort to swear more than he does.

And anyway...the ones you end up offending are the ones who wouldn't enjoy the book anyhow.

Don't be a sell-out to the goyim. If you're gonna go Yiddish, go the whole way: Meshugenah Mamela Shtuppers!

I'm going through the same dilemma right now. But here's my question: Is it worse to publish a comical book bad-mouthing your loved ones before or after they pass?

Where's my t-shirt man? I'm a mo fo........Meshugenah. Mmmmmmmm I love beefaroni.......gotta go. Peace, Mike.

Yeah man, I think vikkify is the word you're looking for.

That is, villify....I'm typing in the dark.

I spent the weekend in your archives. Bravo man, bravo. You're a fantastic writer and I'm glad I found you. Best subscription I've found in a couple of weeks. Thanks and see you at your next post.

I promise to buy your book if you say "twat" in it...just once...just one little twat.

It's my favorite cuss word.

Stephen King references songs and lyrics in his books quite frequently. Perhaps your publisher should ask his how he goes about obtaining permission to do so.

I'm totally buying the book, and I don't give a shit how many fucking profanities are in it.

I can't believe #3! I was looking forward to publishing a book one day that portrays the douche bags in my life as exactly what they are...douche bags.