I share a bathroom with a woman who has more beauty products than is necessary for someone as naturally beautiful as she. Despite my incessant reminders of this to her, there continues to exist an impressive collection of bottles and sponges and sundry ointments in our shower. Seriously, how many different kinds of conditioner does one person need?

Furthermore, the naturally beautiful person with whom I share this overpopulated shower has developed a habit that exacerbates the overcrowding. When one of the aforementioned bottles nears the point of emptiness, she rests it upside down on one of the two small porcelain shelves inside the shower. As you may know, this is contraindicated. It makes the bottles unstable and far more likely to fall over, dragging with it untold numbers of other unstable bottles, all of which land on the foot of some unsuspecting showerer.

For example, me.

Yesterday I found myself in a large home improvement warehouse store looking for something called a Korky. On my way down the toilet repair aisle (don’t ask), I stumbled upon a rack of Things You Hang In The Shower To Keep All Of Your Wife’s Crap From Falling On Your Feet. I believe the official name for this device is “shower caddy”, but I associate the word “caddy” with golf, which I love, not broken toes, which I do not love. Bottom line: I bought one. (A shower caddy, not a broken toe.)

To put it mildly, the shower caddy emphasizes function, not form. It’s not a terribly attractive accessory, but it’s certainly a lot prettier than a foot capped with five (or possibly four) gnarled, broken and bruised toes. I assumed my naturally beautiful showermate would agree.

That was incorrect.

When my showermate and her spawn (which may or may not also be MY spawn) returned from wherever they were (educated guess: out buying more beauty supplies), I positioned my purchase as something wonderful.

“Guess what! I bought you a present!”

“You did?” she said. “Oh yipeee! I love presents.”

“Follow me to bathroom,” I said (which is probably not the kind of thing anyone wants to hear when she knows there’s a present waiting for her, but whatever).

As we walked down the hallways of Evans World Headquarters, I told her how excited I was to give this particular gift to her. I was selling it HARD – so much so that the spawn were following the parade to see what this wonderful gift could be.

“Well what IS it?” she exclaimed.

“It’s…”

“…HIDEOUS!” the male spawn said as he entered the bathroom and looked into the shower.

A pause.

“Oh,” my showermate said. “I…um…I think I agree with you, honey.”

For the record, “honey” was a reference to the male spawn, not me, the man who has put up with her falling toiletries for 15 fucking years. This pushed me into a rather steadfast defensive posture.

“I don’t care,” I said. “I don’t care if you think it’s ugly. We’re keeping it. I don’t care. We’re keeping it. Period.”

Nobody said anything. They just looked at me with crazy eyes and walked out of the bathroom.

And I suddenly realized that my shower caddy is my only friend.

Comments

Now you need to get her a *real* present. Because you did not get her a present. You got yourself one. They have these corner shower shelves that look a little better and hold a lot more stuff. Maybe you could give her that along with the big pretty shiny thing that belongs on her wrist, finger, or neck.

For a while I thought we must have a ghost because every time I got in the shower the caddy would slip down the shower head and pummel me with bottles and pumice stones. I understand about the broken toes. The worst part was all the crap belonged to me. lol.

http://notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com

yeah, we women do that. i don't know why. i'm sure it IS annoying. for my husband's sake, i'll go buy a shower caddy today. i always appreciate the male opinion ;)

My husband once surprised me with a sandwich maker. You two would get along real well.

Nice story - proof that the minds of men and women are hardly ever on the same page. You should have picked up some steel-toed safety shoes while you were out.

I told my wife just yesterday that I got her a present.

"What is it?" she asked.

A pair of pink, cloth lined, polka-dotted rubber dishwashing gloves.

She wasn't as excited as I had thought she'd be.

When I was expecting a modest engagement ring, pre-Husband was planning to buy me a turntable (yes, it was a long time ago). Fortunately I found out about it in time to head off that major gaffe.

In a former life I think I had a penis because a shower caddy would totally be an aphrodisiac to me. I can't imagine she LIKES the toppling bottles and I bet you she's gonna be so grateful to you in a week or so when that shower is less riddled with bottle-shaped land mines.

And for the record, that WAS a gift Danny. Women are just dumb for not liking practical things, they just want more shit.

You keep being practical AND thoughtful and she'll put out, promise ;-)

The gift of a shower caddy would make you look like one of the Magi at my house.
For our tenth anniversary my husband gave me a smoke detector and a fire extinguisher.

At least it wasn't an anniversary gift. You might still get laid.

Danny, I feel your pain, though I have not personally experiences any squashed toes recently. My advice: supplement the shower caddy "gift" with something useless and pretty, like flowers. Girls like that.

http://persistentwriter.blogspot.com/

SEVERAL is the answer to your question (how many . . conditioner . . need). It depends on what the weather is going to be like that day, whether or not you recently colored your hair, etc. Sigh. Men just don't get it which is why, after installing a Shampoo / liquid soap / conditioner dispenser on the wall of our shower, the shelf in that same shower holds bottle after bottle of OTHER Shampoos / liquid soaps / conditioners. Oh, and the razor and the pumice stone.

It's okay. The bloggers are your friends.

And I thought my wife was the only one that put her bottles upside down when they were almost empty! I don't feel so alone any more.

I had the great idea of getting a shower caddy too. I showed them to my wife one time when we were at Target and she just looked at me like I was nuts.

As a woman married to a man who has given her among other things, the soundtracks to Beavis and Butthead Do America and Star Wars: Episode 4, a men's (MEN'S!!!) shaving kit, a toaster, and Bonne Bell Dr. Pepper lip gloss for various gift giving events, I gotta side with Hot Wife.

It should be noted, of course, that the Bonne Bell Dr. Pepper lip gloss does, technically, count as a beauty product and I sort of loved it. But I didn't tell him that.

I no longer keep any expensive hair products on the shower floor due to an unfortunate act of negligence on my part when I left them there and my boys took a shower, having just a helluva time squirting $27 hair conditioner until it was gone.

Caddies are ugly & they are behind your head in the shower & it's annoying. I got a small basket that attaches to the wall with super-dupery power suction cups & I can fit shampoo, conditioner, 4 body washes & face cleanser in it. It is deep so the upside down bottles are ok, OR you can use the small holes in the bottom to dispense the goo. $15 and the shit is TOTALLY out of my way.

At least we have technology now where a shower caddy is a metal thing which holds your various goos in your shower. A century ago it was an actual dude in there.

The selection of beauty products should be an Olympic sport. Getting it "just right" requires time, effort and a lot of cash. And then, they go and discontinue your favorite item!

Anyway, if you had it your way, you guys would be shampooing with dishwashing soap and using a toothbrush from 1997. A little appreciation here, please!

on the list of reasons 'I don't understand women'...

my hubby is more likely to leave a bottle upside down in the shower. I'm more likely to hold it upside down when I'm showering and wait for it to drip.. but I'm all about those bottles that open at the bottom - everyone happy.

my 'beauty products'? 1 shampoo, 1 conditioner, 1 body wash, 1 razor with built in lather stuff so that I don't have to buy that gel crap. All of which cost less than $5 each.

That's ok.. 10 years from now, your wife will still be hot and I'll probably be.. old and wrinkly or something.. with nappy hair.

I'll be your friend Danny. Not in the shower or anything wierd like that, but in the supportive way that guys can when they need someone to watch their back on issues of importance, like protecting their feet from female shower paraphenalia. Shower caddies, like their golfing counterparts can be important to success in their perspective applications. Hot wife doesn't want you to start avoiding the shower for fear of injury to your feets does she? I don't think so. You KEEP that shower caddie in there and before long they'll see the light. And if they don't? Well... that's just to bad for them then.

I would be interested to SEE said caddy. They make all sorts- did you just buy the ugly one?

Hey Danny,

Reading this post on my day off inspired me to get off my butt and clear out all of the junk in my bathroom. My husband thanks you!

I feel your pain my man. Our shower is like 3 feet by 3 feet and there are about 50 fraking bottles and tubes in there. Out of control. I bought a shower cady and what does she do?????she still puts all of the upside down bottles on the floor of the shower...only allowing for me to stand in there on on foot. I give up.

D-Dawg,
I usually do not follow your advice for home decorating tips, but I think this might just save my big toe. I too, am going to stand up for myself and get a "Shower Caddy" for BabyShrink's house. I appreciate the tip and my toes will be forever in debt.
Camp Buddy

You poor, silly man. All you did was make room for MORE bottles, not a more efficient storage for the existing ones. She wins! Again!
Ahh, my husband tried this. He finally caved, we use separate bathrooms now.

If you would have asked, we could have warned you. But then, what would you blog about?!

I started using the downstairs bathroom, giving my wife free reign to fill up "her" bathroom with all the beauty products she *thinks* she needs. My stuff takes up one drawer in said downstairs bathroom.

what? i *wish* my husband would buy my something to put all my shower shit in!

Ok so I'll admit that while I have shampoo and conditioner for blond and brunette (one set for each color) and then a different set to use after the pool...then a body wash for after a hard workout and one for after the pool, then a different one for date nights...and a face wash for morning, a face wash for night and a apricot scrub for both and razor and gel, toothbrush and tooth paste, and bubble bath too. Oh yeah, a body scrubbie.

Wow, it doesn't look like that much IN the shower...

BUT there are times a girl just has to appreciate a functional gift like a shower caddy and I'm with you that it was a thoughtful gift...

At least thats how I look at it...of course, my husband will have to most likely have his own bathroom.

Well, I figure that if we have to put the seat down because the women in our lives are afraid of "FALLING IN", then I say those soap disposal units are due to our being afraid of "FALLING OBJECTS". :P

Don't know why we feel we need all these products - we just do! We have a "Shower Caddy" and I think I used it for about a week before it started annoying me by being right behind my head. Everything's back in "toe breaking" position now.

Hmmm. Maybe I'm a hermaphrodite - one of the first things I bought for my apartment was a (pretty) shower caddy, in which I place almost-empty bottles upside down. Then yell bloody murder when I accidently knock the thing and the bottles (including the full ones, of course) fall on my feet.

With all the build up you gave her, Hot Wife may have been expecting a solid gold toilet. At least get her something gold for her finger or neck to make up for it.

HW is right. men should never buy the decorative or needed accesories without consulting. After all, it probably is ugly if it's anything like the 5ft teeny bookcases my Sugar Daddy brought home for me...even though we had 9 foot ceilings. They looked, well, tiny and hideous!

Maybe you should have given her an iron. That would really have gotten things sparking...

Uh Danny - If Hot Wife is having to turn the bottles upside down to get the last of the product out, how heavy can they actually be when they hit your toes?? I might resort to telling my husband to man up here. Just sayin...

You do score MAJOR points for trying to find a solution on your own. A few subtracted for trying to disguise it as a gift!

It's so wrong, but I'm laughing my ass off at you. And I'm hereby offering my esthetic condolences to your wife.

Just know, that if she is anything like me, the first chance she gets, that ugly ass shower caddy will find it's way to the bottom of the trash can. And she will mysteriously have no idea where it went.

Dude. As much as I love you, you are totally clueless about women sometimes.

Danny, Danny, Danny, never buy a woman a household organizer, cleaning tool, apron, etc... and call it a gift. Flowers are gifts. Backrubs are gifts. New shoes are gifts. A shower caddy that you buy for your prissy toes is not a gift. You have a gorgeous wife, so to show your appreciation you bought her a shower caddy? I have no problem with Computer Geek Genius bringing home a shower caddy, but I'll be damned if that's my gift! However, in your defense, I also have prissy toes, and I am in need of the ugly organizer. I also turn my bottles upside down because when I spend twenty bucks on some conditioner, I'm going to use every last drop. I think you did okay by not whining about all of her bottles and fixing the problem yourself. You just took a wrong turn when you threw in the gift part.

Filling your "present" with all sorts of new products before you gave it to her just might have hid the hideousness of it a little ... just sayin'.

Dude! Take a picture! LET US VOTE ON IT!

We ask for so little,and give so much, heehee.

My husband purchased a shower caddy for me once. Unfortunately, when it would fall it would tumble with all of my beauty products instead of one stray bottle. After a few days of bruised toes, we had to quit using it.

Awwww - see, the thing is you thought you were getting her something to make her life (and, by extention, your life) more organized.
What you didn't know is that you gave her a "Here. You clearly have SO MUCH DAMN CRAP that *you* can't even control it - so me and my uneven nipples are just gonna barge right on in here and show you how it's done, man-style. Now maybe you can keep this looking neat and pretty and by the way, go get me a cold beer, woman" gift.
Nice going, couch boy.

This sounds like the "favor" my boyfriend offered yesterday when he suggested I could borrow a pair of his shorts. (I was having trouble finding something to wear) He was pretty sure they would be a close fit.

The problem being my boyfriend is a foot taller and about 60 lbs heavier. And his shorts most definitley did not fit. :( He still does not understand why I pinched him as hard as I did.

Oh yeah... I totally do that with the shampoo and conditioner, etc., bottles, too. But we have no spawn and 3 bathrooms so I get a shower all to myself - yay me!

He did give me a KitchenAid mixer for Christmas but only after I told him and reassured him several times that it was okay because those bad boys are totally cool!

Since you bought it, it's your job to clean the moldy stuff that will grow in the corners and around the base. Those do that. I have one...and hate it.

You know, the upside downy trick in order to make use of the last drops of really expensive beauty product is a sin of FRUGALITY.

She's doing it to be financially responsible. ;-D

you a dad now... you on your OWN.

Danny you have described about 95% of all showers in this country! I, myself, have about 3 upturned bottles delicately balanced at the moment. I hope your "caddy" solves all your problems. I had to laugh at your comment about telling Hot Wife to follow you to the bathroom because you had a "present" for her. I am a nurse and I can't tell you how many times a patient has called me into a room to sheepishly tell me that they have a "present" for me.

The problem starts when you buy a shower buddy for yourself and call it a gift for your wife! Got it? It would have been just fine if you hadn't mentioned "gift".
You should have said: "Honey, I bought an ugly practical caddy for our shower. I'll buy you a real gift later, sweetie."

If my boyfriend had a present for me in the bathroom, I would refuse it.

If it isn't too late... IKEA makes a not too hideous shower caddy.

Dude, I got a George Forman grill for Valentines Day.

I suggest you shower in the garden, cold water from the hose will harden you up and remind you that HOUSEHOLD ITEMS ARE NOT PRESENTS! Unless they are a hot nekkid guy to do the vacuuming.