My wife, who has no real say-so in the matter, wants me to tell you all about the plumbing nightmare that befell our home this weekend. She thinks you’d get a big kick out of hearing how both of our toilets backed up, and about the congealed layer of black sewage that coated the floors of our showers, and about how I spent all of Saturday snaking and plunging and cursing the invention of pipe, and about how we ultimately had to call a plumber who charged us $375 for nine minutes worth of work. I think it’s best that I refrain from writing about that particular experience because I curse too much as it is, and there’s no telling how many fucks and shits I’d need to effectively tell that story.

Far more compelling I think is the story of how I remembered a long-forgotten boyhood crush.

It happened Friday night. I was flipping aimlessly through the channels, I stumbled upon a live concert recording from Hyde Park – sponsored by the Hard Rock Café, attended by an Us-Festival-sized mass of people, and featuring (among others) The Police, Eric Clapton, John Mayer and Jason Mraz. Since there were no children around to demand that I switch over to Disney Channel, I watched the concert for a while.

Out of absolutely nowhere, sandwiched between Sheryl Crow and KT Tunstall, they introduced The Bangles.

The fucking Bangles, you guys.

In the mid-1980s, at about the same time The Bangles were becoming popular, I was starting to grow hair on my willie and discovering that sometimes, when I saw a cute girl, I got this interesting tingle down where my bathing suit went. The collision of these two budding success stories – the band and my wiener – was quite striking. Actually, to be more precise, it was quite stroking.

Until I first laid eyes on Susanna Hoffs, the lead singer of The Bangles, I’d had only one rockstar crush: Nancy Wilson from Heart. Unfortunately, Nancy is a redhead. And everyone knows there has never been a Jewish redhead, meaning a long-term future for Nancy and me was flatly not in the cards. However, Susanna was quite hot in her own right and she could TOTALLY have passed for a Yid. I spent many an hour fantasizing about Susanna, and I had the sock drawer to prove it.

Obviously, I’m not 14 anymore. I’m married to the hottest Jewess this side of Jerusalem, and Susanna Hoffs had completely left my memory for decades. That’s why seeing her the other night was such a shock. It triggered the 14-year-old in me, especially given the fact that she still looks gorgeous. Not nearly as gorgeous as Hot Wife, but gorgeous nonetheless.

I got up to grab an apple, laughing at the fact that the 14-year-old version of myself was still alive somewhere inside there. I was two steps away from the fridge, still smiling, when I looked into the kitchen sink and saw a bubbling ooze of black sewage percolating in there like an old coffee pot.

I stopped smiling after that.

Comments

Your wife should totally have her own blog--I'd be all over it. And Susanna, too.

"I got up to grab an apple, laughing at the fact that the 14-year-old version of myself was still alive somewhere inside there. I was two steps away from the fridge, still smiling, when I looked..."

Your version is totally not how I thought this post was going to end. I suspect you are using the gurgling sludge as a metaphor for the pup tent.

This proves that, in some universe, the Bangles truly are the shit.

Nothing kills an inner 14 year old like gurgling sludge. Just need to know if you were walking like an egyptian. I always do when I hear that song and it embarasses the hell out of everyone in our house when the teenage version of me makes an appearance.

Up until about a month ago, I was still pretty crazy about my 80's crush: Duran Duran. Then, I saw a photo of Simon LeBon adjusting himself while wearing a Speedo and now that crush is officially over.

Ah yes, sewage issues. There's nothing quite like spending a late Wednesday night cleaning sludge side-by-side with my husband. And then calling five different plumbers the next day to find someone to replace our entire sewer line.

Both memories mentioned above will burn painfully for a long time.

No redheaded Jews? My mom's side of the family begs to differ!

One Thomas the Tank Engine + One Toilet = Niagara Falls in our bathroom, a $675 plumbing bill and one child nano-seconds away from death when he started crying that we couldn't get Thomas back.

So, you didn't do what any self-respecting 14-year-old inner child would have done at the sight of the girl of his wet dreams?

Black sewage will pretty much kill any hard on.

Black sewage in the coffee pot is just wrong. I will be haunted by the imagery for the rest of my days. I will also be checking my coffee pot as soon as I get home!

Now I understand the meaning of their hit, "Sock like an Egyptian."

Sewage in the kitchen sink will diffuse tingly feelings in the shorts anytime.

Just another manic Monday.

Sorry.

sewage ooze would kill my smile too. It's so fun to re-discover parts of us we've forgotten. At least the good parts...the bad parts can join the ooze.

Holy Crap - dude thats odd. She was MINE. I fell for those eyes in an instant, she told me I was her only one and she only did those things with me. GOD she was a fox back then - still is. She was the first time I realized eyes like hers make me stop and unable to breath.

Thanks DGM for making my heart rate go up again.

The worst thing I ever heard: "Mo-o-o-om? There are turds in my shower!" I feel your pain. The nightmares have finally tapered off since I blogged about it.

I think your healing will begin now.

No redheaded jews? Have you forgotten your niece from the midwest?! :o)

Oh I don't know. I kind of like your wife's idea of telling the story about being up to your elbows in raw sewage. Even if you have to make up new swear words just to describe the experience adequately.

That look from "Walk Like an Egyptian" does it every time.

I totally loved the Bangles, but the black sewage thing is not so good.

This just reinforces my notion that I should become a plumber, gurgling black sludge or no. I hope they accept people off the street as apprentices.

The hottest jewess this side of Jerusalem. That is FunnY!

Glad to see I'm not the only Yid who got worked over by a plumber this weekend.

Sounds like your little crush is more like an "Eternal Flame!"

Sometimes being an adult sucks.

Be comforted by the fact that your shit is someone else's bread and butter.

Aw! Too bad your fond memories of the sock drawer were split apart by adult-hood! I'm glad the 14 year old in you is still alive, too. Maybe you should make it a point to listen to The Bangles once a month. You have to feed the inner child, you know.

The Bangles totally rocked, thanks for taking me back. I watched 'Eternal Flame' on MTV every time it was one, back in the days when MTV played music videos. Black sewage does not rock. Anywhere. Although it's a catchy name for a band.

Wow, your Karma is shit.

It was amazing how right behind beautiful Susanna was possibly the ugliest drummer in music history....

Did Russell Brand do a 'good job' on the Jonas Brothers then?

Dude, if your old lady's hotter than that, you're a seriously lucky man. ;)

Just read Jen's comment way back up at the top about Duran Duran and Simon Le Bon and thought 'yes yes yes!' (that was after thinking 'noo noo nooooo' when I saw that self same photo of the LeBon).

long time reader. love your stories and stuff...but i came here to show you this:
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/9/8/0144/73374/148/589714
spread the word, bird.

I can't tell you how many times "I had" Hoffs in the 80s. Ahhh, the memories. Good times... good times, indeed.

That will teach your 14 year old self to keep his libido down - hot wife has mad skills!

Ugh! That plumbing problem sounds absolutely disgusting. I think there would be some serious issues if that happened at our house ~ the kids could not take showers or baths, and that would be pretty bad. The baby tends to paint himself with food, or sometimes he prefers to paint his borthers and sisters. Bath-time is almost every night with this kid.