1. Huge sunglasses.
Styles come and go, and we have each made our share of catastrophic fashion choices in our lifetimes. But why must women wear sunglasses that so closely resemble welding goggles? Are we expecting a sun flare? Do they think these face shields make them look mysterious or cool or sophisticated? Breaking news: they don’t. They make you look like a raccoon. A welding raccoon. A welding raccoon impersonating Paris Hilton.

2. Whining.
What’s that old cliché about getting farther with sugar than you do with vinegar? Assuming vinegar represents anger, what consumable would be an appropriate equivalent for a kvetchy little shit who can stretch the word “why” into “whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”? Rotten eggs? Sour milk? Maybe it’s just the back-to-school blues, but I’ve noticed a spike in my kids’ whining over the past week and it’s all I can do not to duct tape them to the chimney.

3. Politicians.
I genuinely don’t know the first thing about politics but I do know bullshit when I hear it. We’ve been treated to some real nonsense over the past two weeks, but because it has been uttered in front of an American flag and cheered by tens of thousands of gullible morons, it sounds like truth and commitment and purpose. It isn’t. It’s no different than the over-the-top sales hacks you see on late-night infomercials touting the life-altering capabilities of their stupid little inventions, as though locking in freshness were the key to true happiness. I’m going to run for president in four years and my slogan is going to be “America: Set It And Forget It!”

4. The Arrogance of Bookstore Employees.
I worked at a Crown Books store for a couple of years in my late teens and I can’t recall ever being instructed to treat customers like half-wits. Things have changed though. The mouth-breathers and acne nerds who man the info desk at my local Barnes and Noble invariably give me attitude, as though asking them to look up a book on their computer is no different than asking a commercial airline pilot to kindly return to the airport so I can take a leak. What gives? Am I disturbing you from your critically important task of putting PRICE REDUCED stickers on the back of Who Moved My Cheese?

5. That Home Makeover Show.
The presence of product placement in mainstream entertainment is here to stay, especially given the widespread love affair with DVR and TiVo. I suppose I can live with it in measured doses, but when a show that was only marginally entertaining in the first place starts to devote roughly half of its airtime to showing the labels of various corporate sponsors, my interest vanishes faster than you can say “…thanks to the fine folks over at Sears.” Also, as an aside, Ty Pennington needs a lozenge.

6. Why My Favorite Band Had To Plan Its Only Local Concert For The Same Night As My Son’s Birthday Sleepover Thing.
Instead of watching Counting Crows live and in person, I’ll be at home with a gaggle of eight-year-old boys – watching them play the Wii and spill their juice boxes on my couch and give each other Melvins until one of them cries and wants me to drive him home at 3 a.m. (at which point I’ll accidentally slip him a whole bunch of Benadryl).

Comments

How 'bout the old saying I can't hear you when you whine? Worked for me about 8 years ago. The Ty Pennington thing cracked me up!

Get out of my head Mr. Evans.
Seriously. I want to take a Sawzall to Ty Pennington's hair. Dude. You're 43. Time to stop acting like the Old Guy at the Club. Bet he wears HAI KARATE.

I wanna see Counting Crows!

And to add to your list: Credit card companies that call (via a RECORDED MESSAGE) to offer you a low-interest rate which is higher than the current interest rate you already have WITH THE SAME C/C COMPANY! Idiots. Quit calling me.

Add to the of things I will never understand:

My mother.

Eggs. Why the first person in the world said, "Say there is a ball falling out the chicken's arse, I think I will crack it open and eat it."

Why no one would go with me to the George Michael concert last month. :(

Whining makes me want to jump off of a cliff.

Can I add skinny jeans? I just don't understand why anyone would feel the need to wear jeans that you literally have to roll off of your body. Tell me that those are comfortable to sit in...I'll never believe.

If the mouth breather at the bookstore would QUIT TEXTING...

I, too, developed selective hearing loss at whine frequency. It helps to chant in a high, sing-songy voice 'I can't heeeeaarrr you!' or "What's that faint sound I hear blowing on the wind?'

Also, Benadryl a beautiful thing. One little 25 mg pill solves everything.

Call me a welding raccoon impersonating Paris Hilton because I love a pair of big sunglasses!!

Can I second Issa's skinny jean issue? Isn't skinny just a fashionable way to say tapered which was added to the fashion don't list ages ago!!

Hey the Politician thing...

Are you talking about ALL politicians, or just the ones you don't like. I'm talking about McCain. Because I am guessing that you don't think Obama was spewing bullshit.

And whoa, the home makeover show? the (I think) first house built by extreme home makeover, it went into foreclosure. Check out the story here.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/laland/2008/07/extreme-home-fo.html

Turning into a crabby old bugger, aren't we Daniel...

I jest. Honest.

Okay- first I want to agree with you on so many levels. Then, I want to tell mamapug that the egg comment had me on floor writhing in laughter.

Here's a few more :
Hot dogs packed 7, buns packed 8 to a pack.

People who leave their tissue boxes on the back dashboard. Too late when your kids blows boogers all over your neck.

i *like* the big glasses.
they are very Jackie-O. :)

It seems obvious to me, but why not just give ALL the boys Benedryl right up front, and go to the concert safe in the knowledge that they can't possibly kill themselves while you're gone. If it makes you feel better, you could pile them in the trunk of your car like logs, so they're at least in the same general area with you (what parent could possibly complain about that??)

Go on, I dare you! A sitcom dad would do it...

As a side note, Swirl Girl is obviously buying Hebrew National (which I highly recommend)-- they're the only ones I know who sell a seven-pack. And the 8th bun is too eat plain, because hot dog buns are unrepentantly delicious. Just like ice cream cones.

P.S. I think we need to start some kind of petition for that lozenge thing.

Guess you wouldn't like a whining, arrogant, politician that wears huge sunglasses while she is working at the bookstore. Can't blame you.

I'm with you on the big sunglasses and the politicians. I want to get out of my car and sucker punch people when I pull up to a light and look over to see Frisbee glasses. Grrr.

I watched McCain speak last night, what a bunch of bullshit. I swear your elementary aged kid could have written a better speech. He would say something stupid then sit back and smile while people cheered for NO GODDAMN REASON. Another stupid comment, more cheering while he wondered if his depends were holding up. I watched because I was genuinely interested in what he had to say but his speech had no fluency and made no sense at all.

Counting Crows is also my favorite band, but I've yet to see them in concert. There's always some conflicting engagement, or they play Midway Stadium and charge $50 for every ticket, which when you're in college is pretty much out of the question, or at least it was for me.

I love Counting Crows. They're one of my favorite bands ever. They also put on the worst concert I've ever seen.

Maybe I was expecting too much, but when you plan to sing along to Rain King, it sucks ass when Adam Duritz suddenly morphs into Maya Angelou and starts speaking lyrics like he's at a poetry reading. The whole show was like that. I half expected the crowd to snap their fingers at the end instead of applauding. Asshole. Just because you're tired of singing the lyrics the same way night after night, year after year, doesn't mean WE want you sing them like a beatnik.

Duct tape and vodka, Dude, duct tape and vodka.

I agree with most of what ya said, my only problem is with the Benedryl comment. Have you ever seen the movie "Happiness", http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happiness_(1998_film) it is a truly depraved film. I won't go into how drugging the kids relates to the movie. In any event, any talk like this always makes me think of that scene.

"Tanks for nuthin' Danny!" (done in that weird Irish brogue from the chick in Caddyshack).

Have you ever seen a welding raccoon with wrinkles? I haven't.

I really think you and my hubby would get along. Scary.

Too funny!!!
I have a 6 year girl who thinks that if she cries HARDER and LOUDER she will get whatever she wants FASTER. It doesnt work with me. Then she turns to her DAD and he falls for it like nothing.
The BIG sunglasses have never been my thing either. I already have a small face and if I ever thought of wearing them I would literally be covering my whole face with those things.
You are a wonderful Dad to your kids. Happy Birthday to the CHAMP. Sorry you could not see your favorite band.
You sure did put a smile on my face today. Thanks :)

Set it and forget it from the pressure cookers the Mommies where hawking years ago?? I so wanted those, just to see if they worked. They put it in the FREEZER and the food cooked. How much more fantastic can you get?

Barenaked Ladies scheduled 5 consecutive Detroit are appearances when I was out of town or at weddings. FIVE! It took years before I finally got to see them.

I'm soooo with you on the sunglasses thing. I didn't get it the first time around and I certainly won't wear them now!

Nice job with the slumber party... but may I ask what a Melvin is? I'm obviously too much a girl here.

I'm a bookstore employee with an abundance of large framed sunglasses and very little arrogance (ok, sometimes a little...some days are longer than others) who sometimes drives around my neighborhood just to listen to "August and Everything After" uninterrupted.

From Wikipedia: "The Melvin is a variant of the wedgie in which the victim's underwear is pulled up from the front." I had to look it up because I didn't know either, lol.

Never got the giant sunglasses thing. Understand the need to protect yourself from the sun but you may as well just wear the damn welders mask and line the face shield with crystals.

My twins quit the whining thing after I did it to them in the store. "I want some candy...can I have some pleeeeeease. You guys never let me have ANYTHING!" Foot stomp, leg grab, etc. Works like a charm in front of their friends too even at 12.

Politics. Try living in Alaska right now. All the bars had more people in them to watch Palin's acceptance speech than they do for Stupidbowl Sunday. Don't even bother trying to read the paper, it's all election crap. Everywhere you go someone is asking your opinion on Palin. There's a surprising amount of this state that don't want Palin in the White House.

I'm no raging beauty queen myself but why must they put the fugliest people behind the counter at the book store? They have the computers to look stuff up. Put some 20 year six pack toting dark haired hunk behind the counter and I'd always in the book store. I'd buy crap just to return it to keep on looking. But no, I walk out with a vision of a pustulated zit growing in earnest on some guy named Ernests' chin, and cheek...sigh.

i love my "owl glasses" . . . =/

palin is scary.

i LOVE counting crows. (but would be pissed if durwitz went beatnik on me at a concert!)

1st time reader. I. Love. You. Mad. Dad.

BTW, maybe those owl sunglasses will turn into the blast cover helmet that Luke had to learn the lightsaber with?

1st time reader. I. Love. You. Mad. Dad.

BTW, maybe those owl sunglasses will turn into the blast cover helmet that Luke had to learn the lightsaber with?

Big huge sunglasses cover the following things:
*being too hungover to put make up on
*being too drunk the night before to take your make up off and then being too hungover to do anything about it the next day
*that black eye you got from falling off the bar stool and hitting your face on the corner of the bar
*being ugly

I agree up top. Saw Counting Crows in 2003 and they were terrible, Adam just seemed so bored with his songs.

Thats not stoping me from seeing them and Maroon 5 when they come to Tampa in October though...

Did someone say lightsaber?!

I'm gonna throw this out there: capri pants. On whom exactly are they flattering? I want specific names.

Also, the tools at my local Borders seem to get their panties in knots every time I say I 1) am not a club member and 2) do not want to be on their emailing list so that I can receive notices of special deals and 3) do not want to contribute a dollar to some cause or children will die.

These people actually get miffed when I politely reject their invitations, as if I have insulted them personally. What the hell is up with that?

I'm betting your son could probably do a pretty damn good impression of Duritz. Just stick a crazy wig on him and have him scream a little while bouncing around.

Pretty much the same.

One of my local bookstores has a PC in the store where you can look up stuff yourself. As least that is what I thought it was there for. I mean "type in the name of the book" was fairly self-explanatory, I thought. Apparently I wasn't to touch the keyboard.

Not only the bookstore but Perforance Bike on the "join the club" thing. No I don't want to join, yes I realize if I spent $500 on books this year I might save something, no I don't want to give your marketing department my phone number. No means no. Not "please explain some more to me".

Seen the Crows in concert. You're not missing much.

My ex-company built one of those Extreme Homes. It's great until the poor homeowner get hit with a killer tax bill, mortgage payments and gawkers wanting to know why they didn't get a house built for them.

You're on a bit of a tear this week,totally airing your grievances! Glad I'm not on your shit list (yet).

What exactly IS a melvin anyhow?

You know what I don't understand? Why every friggin' store has some type of "Frequent Flyer/Buyer" card. Every.Single.Store. Bookstores, grocery stores, pet stores, department stores. Who wants to carry all those cards around and/or keep reciting their phone number to the clerks? And if everyone has cards for every store, why have them at all? It's so annoying.

Going to Barnes and Noble is your first problem...

Oh, Danny, so sorry to hear that! Counting Crows is one of my two favorite bands as well (Modest Mouse being the other), and we got to see them at the Comcast Center, in Foxboro MA, August 2nd. An amazing show, where they actually openned with "Rain King" (pretty unususal)and then bid us goodnight to an accapello (sp) version of "Walkaway", which Adam mentioned they actually wrote after a concert in Worcester, MA. Wicked cool! (I HAD to, I'm actually from CT so do not have the "Bahstan" accent, I have, however picked up alot of the lingo).

Wow, Danny. You've been really cranky lately. What's up?

Man, I feel your pain. Instead of totally cracking myself up going to a Movie Star fancy dress party as Marilyn Monroe in a body bag, I get the pleasure of refereeing a 15 year olds birthday party.

Suckage.

Hey, hey now! I want a free house!! They can advertise all the Sears crap all over my front yard if they like. Just give me a darn house!! :D

DUDE, the Counting Crows thing? I feel your pain. I love that band! Also, product placement is ridonkulous. This is my first time commenting, but I've been reading awhile. I believe I did a search and somehow landed on Señor Crap. One word: classic.

I could not even give a crap about politics anymore, because it's so clear that everyone on BOTH sides just tells America what they think they want to hear, and then whoever gets elected won't follow through with any of it. Change, my ass.

first, i'll vote for you...secone, if you're not using that Counting Crows ticket.................

I was thinking giant fly eyes on the sunglasses.

Counting Crows is one of those things I'll never understand..blech

#6 had me ROFLMAO. I hadn't heard the term "Melvins" in years. The 3 a.m. drive home is why I will never really allow my kids to have sleepovers.