Oh. Hi. Danny can’t be here today because I, Danny’s Anxiety, staged a formal coup Tuesday night. So since I’m pretty much running the show right now, I thought I’d try my hand at blogging. Doesn’t seem too hard. Near as I can tell, all I have to do is sit in front of a computer, toss out some profanities, maybe a few poop references or some ill-conceived political salvos, and call it a day. Simple.

You should have seen Danny squirm last night. That dude’s spine is made of lukewarm Jello. It all started when Hot Wife, the first person to read the book Danny’s writing, started to shake her head on page 183.

“What?” Danny said. “What are you shaking your head at?”

“I can’t believe how many sexual innuendos you have in here,” she said incredulously. “Do all guys think like this?”

“Yes.”

“There’s no way,” she said.

“Honey, guys think about sex all day, everyday, even when they’re in decidedly nonsexual situations,” he said. “In school, at the oil change place, while we’re picking our noses…”

“It comes off sounding so immature, Danny.”

And that last part? That’s the kind of anxiety opportunity I dream about. So I pounced on that sumbitch like a frat boy on a freshly tapped keg. I got in there good, way up where it’s pink, and this morning Danny woke up thinking he should scrap the whole book and start over – with NINE DAYS LEFT! Oh man. This is so great. My kind hasn’t known success like this since my uncle Sal took over the life of the comedian, Richard Lewis.

It’s not that Hot Wife is a prude old maid; she’s definitely not. She was only trying to point out that perhaps a book about depression shouldn’t be so frequently and resoundingly debased by stories about tits. It’s a good point, but I only know one way to work: go big or go home. I don’t take my foot off the gas just because someone makes a true, thoughtful statement.

So anyway, yeah, I’m in charge right now. And I gotta tell ya, it feels pretty good. If I play my cards right, I’ll have this dude laying teats-up in a psychiatrist’s office in a matter of hours.

Comments

I can't wait to read your book, sex references and all! It's going to be great. Go away anxiety!!!

Hey send it to me, I'll read it for you and tell you how much I love it thereby reducing your anxiety to zero!

I'm sure it's going to be fabulous!

Did you also notice all the *'s in those 183 pages. Did you? Guys, it's brilliant writing. You are definitely going to want to read this one.

Men, is it really mostly what you think about all day every day?

It's true - guys think about sex all the time - we're hard-wired for it. It's almost nearly impossible not to.

Everyone loves tits. My readership sky rockets every time I write a sex-related post. We could all blog tits, ass, pussy, cock, all day long and pass up Dooce in a week. I'm sure the book is great. You're writing it ... how could it not be??

Danny, tits make EVERYTHING better.
Hot Wife, judging by my husband, YES, that's all they think about.

Keep the sex. It'll sell real good.

Even Danny's Anxiety makes reference to "teats".

Hot Wife, I can firmly attest that my husband thinks about sex constantly. Constantly. He can take a mundane conversation and turn it into something crude in an instant.

Anxiety is a bitch. You give it a morsel to chew on and the motherfucker multiples in size in no time at all. However, wasn't that the point of this book? To bring down the bitch that is anxiety & depression? To help others cope with it? Guess what. They can't be helped if you don't finish the book. And there are a lot of people that need to be helped.

And personally, with no offense to Hot Wife, I think whatever jokes and sexual innuendo you've injected into this very serious topic will be absolutely welcomed by the men who will be reading it. There are tons of books out there on depression for women but how many speak to male readers?

Now get back to work.

I'm almost 40 and sex is pretty much the only thing I think about and I'm not a guy.

Keep the sex.

Oh Hotwife - yes - yes it is all they think about. They can turn ANYTHING into innuendo. I work in construction, been in this industry for 12 years now, and if I didn't love dirty men I'd have filed about 1,647 lawsuits by now. Just to give you a little perspective of what it's like to be the only female working with about 40 dudes, todays highlight for them is the new mailboxes I put up. "oh what a pretty box you got" "do you mind if I stuff your box" "I think what I have is too big for your box"
All. Day. Long.

Danny, as a longtime stalker, er, I mean ADMIRER of your work, I must delurk to thank you for all your honest, funny, open blog posts I've read over the last several days. You know how you find a new blog and it totally rocks and you go waaaay back in the archives and just read it like one big serial novel, and you're all kinds of disappointed when you reach the most recent post and have to wait (or worse, work on your OWN shit) until the next post? That's how I feel now. And as someone whose meager blog audience is but a louse on the hair of one of your audience members, and who is trying to send out a book proposal of my own, I find it refreshing that even someone so clearly talented has these moments where anxiety takes over. Now kick Danny's Anxiety's ass, cause you rock.

The truth is, the whole time he was writing this he was thinking about Hot Wife offering "apology sex" after she reads it and feels badly.

Anxiety, loose yourself off Danny! You've got him so mixed up he even has his wedding ring on the wrong hand. Your book will be fine, no sense to fret now, but the fact that you are shows just how much you really do care about us DGM fans. You could have an "i don't give a sh*t" attitude and you might produce some really bad sh*t. But you care! Ohh you really care about us!

Deep down, we're all pretty immature and sex focused, no? Sounds like if you're trying for honest, you're right there.

So what if your book doesn't sell, write another. Boom. Once you KNOW you can do it, you can do it.

Anxiety be gone!

(I like your writing ...)

Ignore the small voice that tries to bring us down everytime we step out of our comfort zone. Finish it.

Maybe your Anxiety and my Anxiety should get together and go bowling. I have these battles - daily.

And yes, men think about sex 99% of the time. I wouldn't be surprised if our preoccupation and depression might be tied together at times.

Your authentic voice is why we read your site. So tell your Anxiety to take a backseat, strap in, and put a Richard Lewis DVD in the player while you push the gas pedal all the way down on your way to GOING BIG.

Stay the course brother. You are a great writer and to put it in a sports related anology, "You gotta go with them thats got ya here.". You are close so don't lose it now. Take a deep breath, focus on the mit and let 'er sail. Send that high hard one you know they can't lay off, knowing that your stuff is GOLD. You know all the words... bow your neck... bring the heat... be the man!

Follow your instincts Danny. They brought you this far, they aren't going to fail you now. Plus, by including all the sex, you've now got a solid TWO book sales - mine for your writing talent and my husband's for your teat references.

that's what makes it real. and what makes it you.
and what totally makes me want to read it ;)

I am sure it will be an awesome book, I will definately buy it, and I have already said that i want a signed copy. Still hoping you come to Tampa on a book tour. I would love to meet the person who has kept me laughing for about two and a half years. I look forward to a new post and cant wait for the book, sex and all! (I am not a guy and i think about sex all the time)

Hey, it's not your fault that Hot Wife doesn't get the male psyche.

DGM,
Just kick anxiety's ass to the curb. The way you write is natural and if sex innuendo is part of it, well...taking it out might very well ruin the intended effect. PS...I'm 40+4 and I think about sex alot for a chick. Men in their 20's and woman in their 40's= dangerous!!

Isn't life all about sex, anyway? And what makes life more depressing than sex? Oh, it can make it good too, but let that shit go bad, and nothing is more depressing.

No guts, no glory Danny!! Go for it...you HAVE what it takes, and all of us faithful readers know it. Anxiety? Kick that sucker to the curb and move on to bigger and brighter things in your life...you can do it, kiddo...we ALL have faith in you!

Well, MY hubby at least will want the book. That's fo sho.

I have to say I laughed out loud. I have a great guy friend who LOVES the posts I have that in anyway involve references to the female/male anatomy and the act of doing it. It's good to know that men will always be men.

Keep your head on. Finish the book. You don't have to start over. Just be you, you are writing it to show the world who YOU are and that is ALL you can do.

Danny-

I have to agree w/undomestic Diva when she said: "And personally, with no offense to Hot Wife, I think whatever jokes and sexual innuendo you've injected into this very serious topic will be absolutely welcomed by the men who will be reading it. There are tons of books out there on depression for women but how many speak to male readers?"

That is a great line & very true! I have found a million books about depression directed toward me, the woman, but not many at all directed toward men which my husband would actually read & enjoy. You're doing great, we're all out here loving your writing. Keep it up & tell that damn anxiety to fuck off!

Dude,

If it were not on the verge of sheer genius anxiety wourd not have taken over on today's post.

WE ARE ALL AWAITING YOUR TOME!!!!!!!!!

Send it to us now and no one will have to get hurt!

Get rid of that thing. Just slide it right into your publisher's hand like a big hard cock slides into a dripping wet pussy.

Run with what feels good. Or lay with what feels good? My innuendo-er is apparently broken. No matter. It can't suck as much as depression does right? Somethings gotta make you smile...

Rockin BHJ. That quote is going directly on my wall.

See, now you did it! I wasn't even thinking about sex until YOU brought it up. Well, I wasn't thinking about sex in the oh, half-hour prior to reading the post. Although, technically, I think it was HW who brought it up. After all she pointed out the amount of innuendo. So maybe it's really all her fault! It's like when someone says "Don't think about CARROTS". First you have to think about boobs, er, CARROTS so you know what to not think about. Like now, I'm not thinking about boobs (dammit) CARROTS anymore. Wait, yes I am, because I have to tell myself to not think about boobs, er, CARROTS. Aaiiggh! Now I'm thinking about boobs AND carrots! No symbolism there, ya think?

Danny, it's going to be okay. Irish Gumbo says so!

everyone is right, you have to stay the course
if you are anything like me then you know you just have say what is. anything else just doesn't feel right. depression changes you deep down inside. you go as close to hell as you can without stepping over the line, and it leaves you feeling like there's no point in bending the truth

Sex. It's all men think about. Wait. I'll ask my husband right now. He's just laying in bed watching "Blades of Glory." He's obviously not busy. "Honey, would you say you think about sex ALL THE TIME?"...What? Yes? That's affirm, huh? Yep. All the time. Good. I'll let DGM know.

Reading the blog entry and comments, I couldn't help but think about sex with terms like "hard" and "pink" and "bending" and "affirm." It IS all we think about. :)

See,...this post is another example that you're a REALLY good writer!

Well, my girlfriend made me read this post because we just had this conversation (argument) a couple days ago. I can't help it... It's my brain. It does funny things to me and my body. I want her ALL the time. I see her and want her. I talk to her and want her. I read my email at work and I want her. I went to the grocery store today, saw a grapefruit that reminded me of her (or part of her), and wanted her. Nothing wrong with that right???

You would think she would be flattered... Too bad it's not the other way around... now that would be awesome! I would NEVER be too tired :))

Who is your target market? Will it be GQ, Details and Esquire magazines raving about your book or will it be Better Homes and Gardens, Vogue and Shape? You were offered this amazing opportunity because the right people saw your style and loved it. To go and change it all up now would be robbing yourself of the very essence that made everything so poignant in the first place... your unfiltered honesty and "truthiness".

I personally can't wait to read it.

there cannot be too many boobs.

end of discussion.

Damn you to hell, Anxiety!

No, NO, NOOOOOO! And a resounding NO! Do NOT redo the book...I'm sure it's perfect...besides, do you redo your blog posts? I mean, I get where Hot Wife is coming from, I do...but that's you, is it not? Don't let this Anxiety Monster take over!

Hi Danny's Anxiety! Why don't YOU take a stab at the book? You're pretty funny too. You could be famous. At this point, he may even give you all the credit. It's worth a shot.

Your anxiety is just jealous because it's thinking about sex all the time and not getting laid.

Men have a big brain and a little brain. The little brain is the boss.

just cuz i seem to often be mistaken for one of the guys, for whatever reason, i do know that tits are often part of any conversation with guys....and, because of that, my conversations as well....in all my manic phases

To Hot WIfe,

I would say that since the age of 13 it is definitely what is on my mind most of the time.

I'm here posting after a 13-year-old, and we can join hands to say, "Of course we do! What else is there worth thinking about that much??" I think she knew the answer even before she asked the question.

Danny, if you can hear me, I think she's trying to break you down for some reason, and you can only hope it's for a good reason. Otherwise, you can get her back by telling your daughter Mommy will pay her $5 for every roll of toilet paper she replaces.

Danny's Anxiety, if you make him delete even one gratuitous sex (or poop) reference, I swear I will only buy one copy of the book. I'll do it-- don't test me.