The great thing about sitting through the agonizing spiritual echo chamber known as Yom Kippur services each year is the thrill of looking for her. She’s always there, always easy to find, even among the masses of Jews who come out of hiding this one day a year, if only to let God know they’re still alive (although I guess He would know that even if they didn’t show up for services).

If you have been to even one religious prayer services in the past decade, you’ve probably seen her, too. Who is she? She’s the woman who comes to services in an outfit that’s a bit too slutty for a house of worship.

She’s the woman who changes the tenor of the moment from “O, God” to “Oh GOD!”

She’s the woman who believes fervently that God is everywhere – even in her cleavage, and that little sliver of pink g-string you can see peeking out of her skin-tight black pants.

I saw her this morning. This year the role was played by a woman I’d never met, nor even seen, but she was there in all her inappropriate glory. She was dressed in a button-down white shirt. The top three buttons were given the day off, and her expensive sunglasses dangled from button number four, which just happened to be right in the middle of her breasts. Subtle, ma’am. Very subtle. “Everyone? Hello? Hi. These sunglasses cost more than my husband’s suit. Do you like them? Oh, uh, breasts sold separately.” Wink.

She wore four-inch black heels with a little window in front for her toes to peer out like a drunk kid on prom night standing up through the limo’s sunroof and shouting “Partaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!”

I know what you’re thinking: coveting another man’s wife in a house of worship is a sin beyond sin. But trust me: there was no coveting. Thou dost not coveteth thy neighbor’s tramp. Eyeballing this woman is not an act of hormonal or lustful malfeasance; it’s merely an appreciation for people who live their lives differently than I do. Let me explain:

My head has been in this book almost non-stop for almost five months, and that immersion in the topic of depression has been a surprising catharsis. I have written things that help me understand myself better – and by understanding me, I have also come to understand others. To understand the human condition. At least I like to think so. So what have I learned?

I’ve learned that life is very hard to live when you’re trying to be someone you’re not. In fact, it’s that very principal that drove me into depression in the first place. I didn’t know who I was. I knew who I was supposed to be, who others wanted me to be, but I didn’t know how to be just me. Now I do.

More than ever, I appreciate people who know who they are and don’t feel the least bit uncomfortable being that person no matter how others may frown on it or run from it or criticize it for being “abnormal.” Screw those people. Screw the doubters who want you to conform to their sensibilities. Screw the critics who think you’re dangerous or troubled or misguided.

On this day – the day where Jews around the world gather to atone for the sins they’ve committed during the past year – I realized my greatest sin is the way I have been critical and judgmental toward people who have the guts to be themselves. I realized that I don’t need people to conform to my preferences before I can call them a friend. Most of all, I learned that life is too short and too important to be wasted on someone else’s ideals.

So thank you, ma'am. I think I may have found the meaning of life right there in your cleavage.

Comments

My favorite bit of this whole thing:

"The top three buttons were given the day off". Glorious.

You sir, have completely made my day. I'll be giggling for hours.

That woman was at my son's preschool the other day too. I love the type, dress like a fucking whore but if they catch you looking at them they give you that "what the fuck are you looking at?" look.
BTW, aren't you supposed to be taking the day off from food and technology? Just sayin...

Very interesting piece (no pun intended). I think that last line finally threw me over the top. I know that feeling, of not knowing who you are. It does make it interesting to look at others and know they are probably going through the same thing wether they know it or not. I have not had a chance to delve through the archives yet, but what is the book you are into right now?

I second that emotion! Are you 40 yet? I was in my late 30s when that lightbulb dawned for me. Oh... 'Live and let live.' I finally get it!
:)

I'm totally converting.

Bingo. (I think she was at my services, too.)

H

You see, she knew exactly what she was doing when she gave those buttons the day off. I bet she made a lot of guys find the meaning of a lot of things too ;-)

I'm slowly coming to terms with this truth as well. I don't want to trivialize such a deep and great entry, but I think most 13-98 year-old boys could say those last two sentences and mean it.

Glad to have helped you out Danny. Glad you liked my outfit and my cleavage. Also, aren't my sunglasses to die for? I'm so glad you noticed them!

Glad to have helped you out Danny. Glad you liked my outfit and my cleavage. Also, aren't my sunglasses to die for? I'm so glad you noticed them!

Oh c'mon...

Your sin here was trying to pretend this was a deep and meaningful post when all it really was was you looking at boobies. It's OK. Boobs are wonderful. Be yourself and ogle those sweater monkeys like you just don't care. Be unabashed in your cleavage appreciation and revel in it, like those sunglasses enveloped in her warm and welcoming funbags.

You were the person who inspired me to share more of myself. To let the world see me and all my physical imperfections. My big nose, my crooked smile, my gangly, orangutan arms, and my earlobes, which look like those of an 80 year old man.

Um...thanks.

Perhaps I'm too new to this side of 30, but I don't look at those women and think authenticity - I think she is the epitome of wasting time, energy, and money trying to conform to someone else's ideals.

Your post was funny and tolerance is always great, but I respectfully disagree with your assessment of her. A woman living without concern for others' opinion probably doesn't exist, but if she did, she probably wouldn't wear a thong.

Man, you are the king of explaining away your ogling of another woman to your wife. My hat is off, and will stay off, to you, sir!

Your turns of phrase were just note-perfect throughout, and you almost had me going, tying a genuine epiphany to your T&A appreciation as a near-perfect cover.

These "free spirits" are always my favorite part about having to go to a church once a year or so. Let's all say a prayer for them, shall we?

You think the temple tramp is dressed the way she is because she's comfortable with who she is? No sir. She's dressed to impress, hoping horny bastards like yourself will look at her boobs instead of her emotional baggage. She's creating a diversion and regardless of what you thought of her, you bought it. Sinner.

Wow, I was going to write a tender comment how much I liked this post because I am struggling with the very same problem right now ('the finding out that it's ok to be who I really am', not the 'dudes keep ogling my bodacious bazongas' problem), and how grateful I am that you addressed this because people tend to look at you funny and/or be entirely dismissive of this issue after you pass a certain age, somewhere around 30 in my experience, and that I'm so glad I'm not the only one that's just becoming comfortable with myself at this stage in the game.

But I can see from the comments that I'm just supposed to be either outraged or titillated (sorry, couldn't resist) that you were looking at boobies, because a woman that likes to dress sexy couldn't possibly be comfortable with herself, and it's out of the question that she might be dressing that way because she likes the way that it looks, and not to catch/keep/impress a man. Huh. I guess I was reading too much into your excellent essay. I should have just stopped and been correctly outraged when you mentioned tits. Oh well!

Man I can sooo relate. I'm a happily married man who truly doesn't desire other men's wives, but if they're looking good my eyeballs just...go there. It's like they HAVE to. Once there, I can look away and be perfectly content to not go back but that first look... totally out of my control.

As for the rest, very well said brother. I think I pretty much know who I am (I SHOULD since I'm 50+) but there are aspects that I'm still trying to figure out. I've always envied, and perhaps suspected folks who know exactly who they are because there are times when I do things and then wonder, who the heck is THAT guy? I guess I'll just keep trying to fit the puzzle pieces together.

A person like that is the last person that I would predict is "just being themselves." I would argue that she is more likely to be closer to where you were when you were depressed - unsure about who she really is, and maybe insecure that that real person isn't good or attractive enough.

But maybe that's just speaking from my own experience of going through that somewhat slutty-dressed phase, and having pretty low self-esteem at that point.

Oooo wow. Yeah, we've definitely got those people in both the Episcopalian and Catholic traditions, I can confirm to you. But regardless of who they are, I still sometimes maybe feel the need to judge them ;)

Episcopalian and Catholic and Jews have hotties??

Nuts.

All the atheist chicks are uggoes ;-)

I've got to think about changing my belief structure...

Danny,

You obviously haven't been to a Lutheran church. Seemed like the idea was to dress even more conservatively on High Holy Days. Maybe that's because we were Evangelical Lutheran Church. Now, those pagans in the Missouri Synod, what a bunch of degenerates! Wooo!

-"I’ve learned that life is very hard to live when you’re trying to be someone you’re not. In fact, it’s that very principal that drove me into depression in the first place. I didn’t know who I was. I knew who I was supposed to be, who others wanted me to be, but I didn’t know how to be just me. Now I do."-

A truer summary of my current crisis could not be said. Kudos to you good sir! Nice to see a nugget of wisdom amongst those boobs! (And really, if you think that post was just about boobs, read it again. Carefully).

You made my day, D!

Nice post. You can't help but notice when someone stands out, no matter what. What's hard for me is not passing judgment.

Very inspirational and deep, Danny.
And THIS is why I observe at home!
L'Shana Tovah!

Dude, I just realized your post has the same title as mine. Eh, I knew it was coming some day.

Oh GOD! I think I just learned something from this blog! Really!
"I don’t need people to conform to my preferences before I can call them a friend."

You know, amidst the giggles (because yes, I was giggling) there was actually something very wise and profound. So thanks on both counts!!

Oh dude... I've found a lot more than God or the meaning of life in some women's cleavage. LMAO.

I always smile when I see a woman with THE bag, or THE sunglasses or whatever. I see right through that bullsh*t. And I'm not even Superman.

I'm trying to teach my girls that they don't need those things to be somebody.

Oh, Maaaaan! I thought that dressing scandalously in church was my thing. I used to do that just to keep myself amused by seeing how many married men I could catch looking my way. OK, I was a teen at the time and at church by my parents insistance. Sadly, they were just so happy I was there with them that they didn't care what I wore.

I have found that when I am truly myself, that other people don;t know how to take it. If I want to live in a travel trailer, it is so incomprehensible to some people that they have to criticize me for doing it. That is what, in my opinion, makes life hard for people who are just trying to be themselves.

May 12th, 2006 (I was 32) was the day I learned that I was me. There's nothing wrong with being who I am. Once you accept that who you are is who you are, you can start becoming a better person. I may not make the best decisions or be the best person I can be, but because I know who I am, I can make informed decisions about how to make myself better.

Since then, the only thing that has remained a constant for me is that when you try to help the people around you become better, you become better yourself.

We all have (here comes the technical words) "behaviors we need to modify." Our actions are not always positive. Recognizing those negative behaviors and changing them should be our goal. Changing "who you are" is impossible.

there's one in every shul.
(i promise it wasn't me. i even wore underwear yesterday.)

"She wore four-inch black heels with a little window in front for her toes to peer out like a drunk kid on prom night standing up through the limo’s sunroof and shouting “Partaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!”

nobel prize for literature, right there, folks.

whoah danny, deep and insightful indeed!
i've never read a writer who could make something so real and serious so freakin funny! you say what we're all thinking anyway. you rock dude!

SHHHHHAAARRRKKKKS!!!!!!! I tried to post Wednesday but my internet was fading in and out....so to answer what team I will be rooting for: SHARKS! Now I can gloat....for a week...until they meet again next week and you can probably boast then....but until then SHARKS KICKED SOME DUCK ASS!

...and for yesterday...the best part of the day besides reading your entry was that my whining booger picker, (whose mom thinks he's gifted,) was not in class due to the holiday! May all the Jewish holidays fall on school days :)

I think that Satan pays that woman to rotate services at ALL houses of worship for ALL denominations at the high holy days. Because I've seen her at a Catholic church and an Episcopal church. I've recently also joined a cult and I see her there too, but I think that's actually required attire for our cult sessions.

At first I think "Oh great, true to form, another titty post :(" but then I read further and I see a truly introspective and repentant thought. Darn you DGM!!

I'm still not letting the kids read your twitter posts, tho... Oh, and the Rabbi approves too. (cause we're assuming you DIDN'T write this in the middle of services, right? RIGHT?!)

L'Shanah tovah

"So thank you, ma'am. I think I may have found the meaning of life right there in your cleavage."

I'm telling my wife this, tonight!

There's one of them everywhere you go. I'm sitting in my little cubicle at work watching one right now.

Danny, I LOVE this post. And I really needed it right now because I've hit a particularly ugly spot in my life! You always seem to put things into perspective with just the right touch of humor and humility.

On a side note, am I the ONLY person who didn't realize your book was about depression? I feel like I missed one (or 20) posts! In any event, I can't wait to read it!

Another great post. I came to that realization as I grew older. No one can tell you when or if the whole wisdom thing will take root, but it seems to have arrived in spite of myself.

Cheers to you and to Miss Boobies for giving you such profound thoughts. Breasts...such power "between" them.

Well I'm glad you found meaning I guess.

But my real reason for posting? Did you notice my Sharks, kicked the quack out of your Ducks last night? I'm just sayin' ;)

Did you happen to get a picture of said cleavage? With a handy cell phone?

I'll never sit through another service and not think of you and your 'wisdom!' Thank you!

Well said! Thank you.

This is another one of my favorite posts of yours ever.

A person who is one's self, truly and fully, is probably one of the most dangerous things ever.

"I realized my greatest sin is the way I have been critical and judgmental toward people who have the guts to be themselves. I realized that I don’t need people to conform to my preferences before I can call them a friend. Most of all, I learned that life is too short and too important to be wasted on someone else’s ideals."

Such wisdom. Will you be my mother in law? Mine is broken. Or would that be a little weird?

i'm curious...is it too late to convert? i can get circumcised again. it'd make my drawers fit better.

"I’ve learned that life is very hard to live when you’re trying to be someone you’re not."

I think this is a lesson we all must learn. For some of us the learning is harder than for others.