My children are broken.

They have to be. Why else would they have done this to us? Why, kids? Why did you both have to have bad dreams last night? And when you had those nightmares, why couldn’t you have just gone back to bed and fallen asleep instead of stalking your mother and me all night long?

Why was I standing over your bed at 2:36 a.m., son? Why did I have to threaten to put your PlayStation in the oven if you didn’t stop crying about my rejection of your request to sleep in our bed? Besides, sleeping in our bed isn’t quite as glamorous and cozy as you might think. I snore. And your mother snores with her butt. (Mommy thinks that’s daddy’s butt snoring, but mommy’s wrong.)

And who the hell cries like that at such an ungodly hour? I should have recorded that little meltdown and played it back to you this morning so you could hear what a goof you sounded like. I would have done that if I wasn’t so flippin’ tired.

My dear, sweet little girl, what the hell is your problem? Why can I not make a declarative statement – as in, “Go back to bed!” – without you getting obstinate and argumentative? Do you know what they used to do to back-talkers in my day? They used to string them up by their ankles and make them eat vegetables! Cooked carrots! Bok choi! Kale! And there was no ketchup! You don’t want that do you?

What kind of evil lurked in your nightmares? What was so awful that it made you both act like manic baboons? Did you have to make a mortgage payment? Were your property taxes due? Are Troy and Gabriella having unprotected intercourse?

Shut up and go to bed before I send mommy in to “snore” on you.

Comments

I bet mommy's snores keep you warm on a chilly night.

You need to pull the covers over Mommy's head the next time she snores!

As for the champ, next time videotape the event and then post it on You Tube!

I think if my husband told the internet that my butt snores...He would be sleeping with the screaming children. Or I would threaten to put HIM in the oven.

Ahhh, memories. You'll laugh about it some day... some day.

Ahhh, memories. You'll laugh about it some day... some day.

DUDE. Was it a full moon, cause my kids sounded like they were being murdered in their dreams last night!? The screams were awful! Hopefully things will be quiet for all of us tonight.

No, obstinate? Children? Never.

Oh, Hot Wife is not going to like this. Not one bit.

For some strange reason my snoring does not keep my 2, 4, and 9 year old sons out of our bed. They get in the middle and stretch sideways until my wife and I end up on the floor. I have also found there is no reasoning with these heavy sleepers in the middle of the night. Hell, my dog is not even safe on his rug. He gets stepped on and shoved off his bed when I kick the kids out. Crazy man...crazy!

Been there! We finally told them they could bring their sleeping bags in and sleep on the floor at the foot of our bed. BUT!, it was a very special secret deal and could only be used for bad dreams. After that we would sometimes wake up and find a kid on the floor. They didn't even bother waking us up first.

Rough night??

Oh someone who feels my pain... my daughter has been up every night this week between 2-3am this happens so often that I want to throw myself under a bus. Her Belly hurts at the bottom, no puke, shit litterally... and I understand really I do and there will be a dr appointment next week but really can't a 7 yeaer old have diareah without me? I am seriously considering calling my mom the next time I get the shits despite the time just to tell her my belly hurts. I promise you she will hunt me down and help position me under the bus. I think I remember having a full nights sleep way back 8 years or so ago...but it could have all just been a sweet dream! (crying along with you!)

Man, I think YOU are going to have to be begging to sleep in your bed, for tonight and the foreseeable future.

I'll wait to read your groveling retraction with glee.

Your wife is going to kill you dead. Seriously. The daddy ALWAYS accepts the blame for the butt snoring, and he does it with glee. How did you not know that?

Maybe they just heard all the mouth AND butt snoring going on and were freightened by it. Maybe you should not watch the evening news when they are around. I have nightmares from that shit, too. Or have you been watching that creepy vampire series on satellite? True Blood? I have nightmares from that, and I don't even watch it.

Clearly, they were dreaming of Daddy with his shirt off.

They're feeling the tension in the air about the book deal.

OMG ....... Seriously? You are not getting laid for at least a decade. AT LEAST. Women do NOT have snoring butts. No, it isn't physically possible and you are sooooooooooo not getting laid. FOR - EVER!!!!!

Shaking my head Danny!!
PS Did you know a bigamist in the OC just got caught? It's my post for today. The guy? Is such an ass. He won't be getting laid either.

This is really encouraging reading on reasons why i should NOT have kids.

Save yourself the argument next time - agree to let them sleep in your bed then just go and hop in their bed as soon as they are out of it.

Hee Hee, the good old days! But, it was my daughter that did the snoring! Not to mention those hard little elbows.

Wow! I really needed this post today... Kids always have nightmares at the most horrible times... like when Bear and I are having unprotected intercourse.

The part that impresses me is that you are even aware of the night waking. My 4 year old always, ALWAYS, gets in on MY side of the bed and spends the rest of the night kicking me in the gut and breathing on my face until I can't stand it anymore and dump her back in her own bed. In the morning her lucky bastard of a father gets up fresh as a daisy and acts all surprised when I explain my higher than usual level of morning grumpiness. I might even allow him to tell the world about my butt snoring if it was happening while I was asleep and he was awake all night!

just waiting for her royal hotness to come comment...

Jeez, I feel pretty lucky. Last time my daughter woke up all screamy and hollery, all I could get out of her was

"IiiieeEEaaaDdoonnKnnnowWWWHHHAaaaSsSsWRoongggDADDDDDEEEE!"

which went on for about a minute until we found out that she couldn't find her lamby-lamb. Damn thing was jammed between the bed and the wall. Once that was in her hands, "I'm okay. 'night, daddy". And there was no butt snoring.

Oh, I feel with you. The worst part is that my wee ones NEVER remember what they were upset about the night before -- and generally they don't remember waking up at all. *sigh*

The butt snoring? Those are the kinds of stories my kids freely and openly tell my friends IN FRONT OF ME.

You are SO dead, buddy. D-E-A-D.

Oh, and on my husband's behalf, I must say that you are SO LUCKY to not be married to me. (No, this has nothing to do with butt snoring. Well, VERY LITTLE.)

I have night terrors several times a week. I, personally, don't remember them, but my husband is regularly on the verge of cardiac arrest from being awakened out of a dead sleep.

Last night, I sat up screaming and crying (and I mean *SCREAMING*), and apparently I flipped on the bedside lamp and told him I was tired of that thing running through our room and out through the wall every night at 3:20 a.m.

And then I promptly went back to sleep, as always, while he lay awake with his heart just pounding.

And he gets that in-between our two kids crying over nightmares.

Good times, I'm telling you. Good times.

Troy and Gabriella need to have unprotected intercourse to bring forth the next generation of saccharine-y goodness known as Nursery School Musical: The Diaper saga.....dont miss the sequel: Nursery School Musical 2: Binkys and Broads, is little Mikey a future pimp?

hah

We've been having such a terrible time saying no to our kids sleeping in our bed. Easier just to scoot over and then try to work out the kinks in our backs later. More often than not, we play musical beds. (Check out my blog for a diagram!)

I've been reading your blog for months, and I absolutely LOVE it! This is twice this week I've literally laughed out loud!

Little turds, the lot of them. My girl came into my room in the night saying that her dream was so bad that she "almost cried from it." What a wimp.

sounds like you need to order the code red.

This made me laugh out loud at least 4 times!! Excellent. My 6 year old son has been having nightmares. In them he says he is little, and everything is really really big, and he can't walk fast enough.

I just found your blog :) Butt snoring...too hilarious. Looking forward to what is to come!