I’d like to sit down with the shitfuck who invented canker sores and give him a piece of my mind. I mean seriously: what the hell was he thinking? What kind of psychopath comes up with a mouth sore that plants itself on the inside of the lips so that every time it comes in contact with a piece of food it feels like you’re being stung with extreme malice by an angry colony of wasps – IN YOUR MOUTH!

I’ve had some pretty healthy interactions with pain in my life. I’ve had surgery on my crotch. I’ve had teeth pulled. I’ve been kicked in the balls. I’ve been stabbed with a mechanical pencil. Shit, I even had an entire backyard swing set go ass-over-tea-kettle and land on my head. But none of that pain even remotely compares to pure agony that washes over me when a teeny, tiny piece of cilantro – CILANTRO! – comes in contact with one of these mouth ulcers. You wanna know what it feels like? Go out to your garage, grab a flathead screwdriver, and drive that sumbitch right through your bottom lip. I’m serious, man. If I ever find the guy who invented these things, I’m gonna light him up.

Plus, why’d he have to give it such a stupid name? What the hell is “canker” anyway? Is that like cankles? Did he mean to call it a cankle sore? Idiot! He should have given it a name that more appropriately articulates the excruciating pain that makes your eyes water and your butthole pucker and your face shrivel up like your great grandma’s after you and your sister get all hopped up on Grolsch and decided to offer her a bite of a tangerine that was actually a sour-ass lemon. “Canker sore.” Pfft. They should call it devil mouth. Shit lip.

And you know what really sucks? There’s nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You have to sit there and wait it out like a moron. It’s like watching a porno and not being able to fast-forward over the talking parts. Oh, there are all sorts of over-the-counter swabs and stuff, but have you ever tried those? Good gravy! If a piece of cilantro can send you to your knees, imagine what happens when you put some pinkish goo on there. You’d swear Lucifer himself is trying to burn down the world and he’s starting with your face.

Oh, but here’s the very worst part: other people. You know those people who know only as much about medicine as they can learn by watching Grey’s Anatomy? And yet they feel compelled to puff out their chests and get their Hugh Laurie on every time you tell them something hurts? Yeah. Them.

“Ouch! Dammit!”

“What? What is it?”

“I’ve got a damn canker sore and it hurts like a mother.”

And then you get this. Every single time.

“You know, canker sores are a form of herpes.”

Oh really, Sherlock? Thanks. That helps me SO MUCH. Did you learn that little tidbit at your Can’t Get Laid Anonymous meeting?

People fuckin’ piss me off, man.

Comments

Holy crap, Danny, I"M CRYING with laughter now. Am at work. Sorry about the cankle sore/tiny bit of Lucifer on your lip.

Oh my god. The porno analogy is priceless.

Sorry about your Herpes of the mouth. You did know you've got herpes, didn't you? Yeah, they hurt like a sumofabitch! I'd tell you about my grandma's remedy, but I'm afraid you might throw something at me if I did. Right through the computer screen.

To the demure ladies I met at the park today while wearing a Dad Gone Mad t-shirt (and subsequently told to run, not walk, to their nearest computer to read this awesome website):

I'm sorry.

;)

My six year old got her first one not to long ago. They suck.

What works (seriously and doesn't hurt) - mix peroxide and warm water (same amount of each) and use it as a mouth wash. Taste like crap but it makes them go away quicker.

I'm breathless with awe and respect. And here I thought I was the master of hyperbole.

Dude, you have herpes. I'm afraid to keep reading your blog for fear I might catch it too! You're right though, there is NOTHING worse than mouth pain and the fact that it takes a jillion times longer to heal because it's in your wet fucking mouth that never dries or gets air to it. It's not like you can slap a bandage on it and leave it to heal. Sorry for your pain.

You just equated canker sores to porn. Dude, you have issues. And scabies.

i use saltwater and they go away faster. a little. and then i come here and you make me laugh. a lot.

I'm thinking right about now you wish you could rip off that bastard and hurl it out the window back to hell where it came from.Since that's not possible go and watch some porn and skip through all the talking and rub one out.That should take your mind off it for a few minutes.

I have had more canker/cankle sores then I care to admit. So now that everyone knows I have herpes, I will pass on a tip my aunt gave me that actually WORKS - I swear. I know you have been given the peroxide/salt water/ etc/ etc/ suggestions, but this one, I swear to god, really works. You look like an asshole while you are doing it, but afterwards, sweet relief.

OK. Ready ? Take a teabag - BLACK TEA, like Lipton or whatever, and make a cup of tea. Find someone to drink the tea, you take the soggy teabag and put the darn thing on your canker/cankle sore. Warning - if you have not squeezed the teabag out first, you will immediately have tea all over your face and shirt, so squeeze teabag first. Sit like that, sucking on a teabag with teh string hanging out of your mouth, for as long as you can take it. You should be 100% better by the next day (I do it at bedtime after brushing teeth, etc.)

I hope this works for you, or I am going to feel like a douche. Let me know, OK ?

Ok. First of all, canker sores are not a form of Herpes. Cold sores, however, are a form of herpes. That said, I am suffering from a fargging canker sore myself. Right now. Way down deep. Here's the suckass part. MY TONGUE CANNOT STOP GOING DOWN THERE TO CHECK THE BASTARD OUT! What the hell is that about?

Colagate makes a product called Orabase Sooth and Seal. It will cover the canker sore and not allow any food/saliva to aggravate the area. Check it out, it works (my mom told me about it when I had one, she is a dental assistant).

actually, you DON'T (nessicarily) have herpes. COLD sores are caused by herpes and almost always occur on the OUTSIDE of the mouth, Canker sores can be caused by lots of things including acidic foods and stress and always occur INSIDE the mouth.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/canker-sore/DS00354

also, google for pictures of cold sores... nasty nasty and NOT canker sores!

Danny:

Sorry to hear about it. I feel your pain, bro. Well, not literally, lucky to have never experienced the wonder that is a canker sore. I have had to use some of that industrial strength devil-juice on my lip to heal chronic splitting (never did find out for sure what caused THAT), and it sounds a lot like the pinkish goo. Except that it was brown. Brown like backwash from a septic tank. A septic tank filled with turpentine with a thousand flaming anti-mosquito candles floating on top. You know, the kind soaked in camphor or citronella or whatever the hell that stuff is; they say it comes from trees or some shit but to me it reeked of petroleum products. The first time I used it, I thought I was going to curl up in a ball around my face, it STUNG (stang?) like the proverbial mah'fahker. I was in tears and trying not to gag. It dries into a plastic like shield and you leave it on overnight. MMMM, tasty (hurl). Talk about morning breath.

Hang in there. Like cheap beer, this too shall pass.

So glad that canker sore suffers do not automatically have herpes. I feel like a whole new woman. If stress causes them, then we have a diagnosis, ladies and gentleman. Parenthood and deadlines lead to canker sores. Or cankle stores. Or whatever the hell you call that devil rot. Do you think it is possible for the sore to actually go all the way through the lip, to the outside ? Like a hole ? That would SUCK.

Wow, I learned something today. First I was going to point out to you that "canker sore" is a much better term than "herpes", isn't it? But then you went on to say you know it's herpes. And then some commenters went on to say that canker sores are NOT herpes, it's cold sores that are herpes. So I did image searching on the google to find out what each one looks like, and it turns out that all these years it's canker sores I've been getting, not cold sores. So maybe I don't have herpes after all. Teh yay!

at least it's not on your privates. you'd look so stupid with a teabag on your junk.

mck.

Good Lord. You've done it. You've accurately described not only what a canker sore (or cold sore - whatever floats your boat) feels like, but also what it feels like to have some one try to school you about what the canker actually is. Thank you. You freakin' rock, man.

Carmex.

I really and truly feel your pain.

My final year of college, I had a canker sore that lasted almost all of a semester and was the size of a dime. I swear to you that 18 years later I still have a faint scar on the inside of my lower lip from that mofo.

Years later, I was telling a doctor friend about this. He gave me a funny look and started asking me some questions about my diet during senior year. It immediately became clear that my meals of Cool Ranch Doritos and Ben & Jerry's had led me to start to develop scurvy. In 1990. Luckily, I went home for Christmas and ate normally for a few weeks, including lots of veggies and fruits, and my mouth healed.

Shit. This must be why you are so damn cranky all the time. You have shit lip. Totally makes me want to offer you a sour candy then sit on you and hold it to your sore while you cry and writhe in agony.

Oh wait. I'm confusing you for my husband again. Sorry about that.

Add me to the list of people who fucking suck (which, ironically, I do, heh). The average canker sore lasts 11 days until it is completely healed and will hurt for seven of those days.

Just so you know.

Wink.

I'm so sorry, canker sores really suck. Thank you for sharing your pain with us though, I'm starting to notice that the more irritated/hurt/pissed you are, the funnier you are. I was having a total shit evening, thank you for forcing me to crack a smile!

Ok, I don't usually do that, "omg! best. line. evah!" business but this:

"You’d swear Lucifer himself is trying to burn down the world and he’s starting with your face."

is one of the funniest lines I've ever read.

And agree with some others here: canker sores are not herpes. Cold sores, those hideous, ugly beasts that show up at the MOST inopportune times, those are, medically speaking, a form of herpes. (It does not mean you HAVE herpes in your privacy, it's a form.) And be careful, those things are contagious. If someone with a cold sore has touched said cold sore and then touches something you touch later, and you rub your mouth or nose, you can get it as well.

They are NOT a form of herpes. Are they?

Anyway, you have a gift with profanity.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Hmmm... so I suppose I shouldn't tell you about how you can take salt and push your finger covered in salt onto the canker sore and seal it, huh? I'm guessing that might be more painful than the cilantro.

Yeah, my FIL calls them 'Whore Bumps'. Niiiice.

Oh...and you might try taking Lysine...it's in the vitamin dept.

I am seriously dying. I get your posts through an RSS feed so it's all jumbled up with whatever else is happening that day. For whatever reason I thought I was reading a post from a semi-serious/professional public health site that I read regularly and I was all DUDE, this guy is out of kilter! But it was Danny all along. V.funny!

Alum...tastes awful, gut can make it better by the next day!

"But", not gut. I should learn to proofread.

You big wuss! Only 1? Check this shit out....and she is 4. http://www.hope4peyton.org/2008/wow-this-sucks/

Now suck it up!

+1 for the Orabase Soothe and Seal, but the only difference between S&S and just plain liquid-form crazy glue is the special swabs.

So. Dry it off with a cloth. Put on one drop of liquid super glue, hold lip away until it's completely dry. Major improvement.

The other option is to swish with a mixture of liquid maalox and children's benadryl for three minutes, then spit.

Poor guy, I feel your pain.

About ten minutes before you eat, apply a canker sore medicine that creates a film over the ulcer. Ora-jel makes several kinds and some other brands do too. Then after you are through eating, rinse with a warm salt water solution several times and rinse before bedtime as well. If the salt water stings you can add a pinch of baking soda to buffer it.

This advice comes from a nurse who worked her way through college in a dentist office, who has taken care of multiple ENT patients with mouth injuries, and is personally prone to canker sores. But, you know, feel free to ignore it.

LOL@the herpes comment. It's funny because it's true.

That is pretty funny. And these comments are great too LOL Thanks for the laughs! oh, and hope your lip is healing better with the tea bag string hanging out for as long as you can. *trying not to laugh, but wearing huge stupid grin anyways*

Holy shit, that was the laugh I needed after a hell-filled night with two little ones, four big kids with tons of homework that apparently none of them had a brain enough to do alone, and a husband out of town! I couldn't drink the beer fast enough to make it all better, but reading this post did! :)

Seriously...like some lady above said...Orabase Gel. It's a grey, gritty stuff that sticks on like glue and over night will cure that bad-boy. Really! Would I lie to a guy who can't wait through the talking in the porno?

I used to get them regularly, and hate, hate, hate them. Two years ago I switched to the Biotene mouthcare system using their dry mouth gel toothpaste and mouth wash. End of the sores. Sometimes, I get a sensitive spot if I bit my mouth, but by using a bit of extra toothpaste more often on it, it does not get painful. There is something in regular toothpaste that contributes to those sores.

I get them periodically on my tongue. Mine seems to be caused by having too many acidic products (tomatoes, ketchup, orange juice, etc.) and as soon as I lay off for a day or two, it goes away. Maybe that is the case with you? Just a thought.

I laughed so hard I think I peed my pants! Canker Sores and Porn! Fantastic.
And since you have already been bombarded with all of the other home remedies you don't need mine.
Good Luck!

Hubby suffers from these all the time. They do suck, majorly! He had a rash of about 50 (not exaggerating!) when he had his wisdom teeth out. It was horrible, for both of us. Neutralize the acids in your mouth with a baking soda rinse when you have them~ heals them faster, also switch to baking soda toothpaste. And if they are a real problem, lyceum tablets once a day, forever. Better than a teabag... right?

Man, you nailed it.

Just wanted to say awesome site and very good blogs!

Just wanted to say awesome site and very good blogs!

Cold sores are a form of herpes. Canker sores are a form of ULCER. You are under too much stress.

seriously..the waiting it out with those fuckers is brutal. i so feel your pain.

but worse than surgery on your crotch??? really?

Am I the only Bob who's stopped by? I'm not sure that I'm happy to have your canker sore named after me. or is it only the post that's named after me? in that case, go right on. I'm up for my 15 seconds of fame, even if it's associated with cankle/canker/jeezuswillthepainneverend sores.

Have you heard of Glyoxide? I get those Sonsabitches all the time and Glyoxide takes the pain away and heals them faster than any product I've ever used. I find it on the toothpast isle at Wal-Mart. Hope you feel better soon!

PS: Love the BLOG

I can't believe I am even going to weigh in on this, but I feel your pain, Danny, literally. The worst was a couple of years ago when something like fourteen (let me say that again, four-fricken-teen!) of the little bastards popped out at the same time. Yeah, I feel ya, I have had surgeries that hurt less. I looked into it after that, and yeah, acidy foods and stress can get you, but so can your own toothpaste. Turns out one of the ingredients that makes it frothy (sodium laurel sulfate, sodium lauterth sulfate) dries out your lips and gums, just a enough, and can help provide a good breeding ground for the little cankles. I tried it, switched up my Crest for something without the dreaded ingredient (Sensodyne Pronamel, if you are wondering) and the damned things almost never show their evil little heads anymore, and if they do, they are tiny and go away in 1-2 days. Ekk. I-ma shuttin' up now.

If canker sores are ulcers, then it's caused by a bacterial imbalance. Stress aggrivates a lot of conditions, but doesn't cause most of them. I would suggest buying L.Acidophilus tablets. It's a digestive tract flora, considering your aversion to dairy products, you prob don't consume much in food and may even help with your digestion of them. The teabag (he, he) idea works if you have a sty on your eye, too.

Dude needs a hug. And just in case you needed to find out more info...

http://www.herpes.com/Treatment.shtml

"You are not alone".... but I sure as hell ain't with you. lol

Maybe the guy who invented canker sores meant cancer sores. Then you'd REALLY be up shit creek.

Oh holy hell. I had one a month ago and it lasted for THREE FUCKING WEEKS. 21 entire days of pain and suffering. And then, about two weeks in I went out for mexican (I know, what the hell was I thinking? Chips and salsa? HELLO!) and as I was simulaneously grimacing, muching and moaning, I BIT RIGHT INTO THE CANKER SORE. And it wasn't just a little nip, it was a full-on Ozzy Ozbourne bite the head off a bat chomp. The pain was so intense I had an actual out of body experience. I looked like Lisa Rinna for a few days, but when the swelling finally went down the canker went away. So that's what I advise, Danny. Just bite the crap out of your lip. If you can get past the initial agony, it's smooth sailing ahead!

Dude... Act makes a rinse for exactly this purpose. Its an Anti-Bacterial sort of thing, can be picked up at Walgreens or whatever pharmacy is nearby. It should work in a day or two and wont sting.

This is why men don't give birth.

Love ya. ;)

Lol. I understand your pain. I usually get all irritated with them and hold salt on it until I pass out. After that, no other food seems to bother me for a while.

Sorry to hear about your Herpes outbreak. I find that using a Q-tip to carefully dab on some Campho-Phenique 2-3 times a day works wonders for me to shorten the duration. Tastes awful but it is worth it.

Right, I know why you've got one. I get them but only when I've a photo coming up. My whole damn life I've developed a cold sore (what they are called over here) just in time for school photos, graduation photos. I could write a flippin' coffee table book called "My life in Herpes: A Pictorial Journey"

Your cold sore is a direct result of your back flap book photo looming.

And it would take Dr House a whole episode to work that out, so there.

I feel your pain man! When I had chicken pox, I also had the pox in my mouth. That's right! Multiple canker pox sores in my mouth. It was excruciating! Then the doc gave me this crap to swish around in my mouth and hold it there for several minutes. I would have rather had just drank salt water; it was so nasty and painful.
And after all these years, I STILL haven't found anything that'll cure the little bastards.
Hope yours gets better soon.

I just wanted to add my own solutions:

L-Lysine supplements work great for mouth sores and cold sores!
I believe someone also mentioned the warm salt water, you can also add baking soda.

I've been having repetitive and multiple mouth ulcers for the past 4 months (woke up a couple of weeks ago with a line of them inside my upper lip!). Did all of the quick fixes. Even cut out as many acidic things as I could. Guess what I found out from my dentist?! They are very related to stress, and that, for me, isn't going to lessen for another month or so. Ugh!

I always get canker sores when I am stressed. I find the best thing to do is touch them with your tongue and decrease their sensitivity. It really hurts at first but it is worth it

I just had literally the worst canker sore in the history of canker sores.

My fiance called it a crater. So I feel your pain. And when it healed, I went out and ate an entire meal of crunchy, pointy food, just to spite it.

And in my quest to find some sort of healing for this canker sore, I discovered that canker sores are NOT a form of herpes - that's fever blisters (which are different than canker sores I guess?). Seriously, google it.

So next time someone says that it's herpes, laugh in their face and then tell them they're wrong.

I used to get these all of the time. After some research, I also discovered that they are not cold sores (Herpes) instead are caused by acid and trauma (mouth scratches).

If you decrease the acid in your system, you can prevent getting these. When I cut out all citric acid (no orange juice, no pineapples, etc) and all coffee, then this decreased my number of ulcers by 90%. I get them about 2-3 times per year instead of every week. It has been almost 2 decades since I had citrus (uncooked) or coffee. It sucked, but you get over it.

I recommend Zilactin as a way of treating it. Hurts like he*l, but it blocks the pain for awhile. Also, drink a lot of milk to neutralize the acid.

Good luck and feel better.

Swish some half and half around in your mouth. It seems to help heal them up faster without adding pain to the equation.

You REALLY need to stop felating the neighbors' dog. Today's the day, Danny.

I swear to goodness, I get a mouthful of them at a time. I've had on my tongue, tonsils AND that little dangly thing in the back of my throat. None of those hurt like the little one the size of a pin right on the tip of my tongue. ARGH! I would rather give birth.

I've read, too, that hormones play a role. Crazy, isn't it? But I know I can count on my "monthlies" giving me a mouthful of the little suckers. I'm voting for a hysterectomy to get rid of mine!

Reading all the wonderful treatments from your readers has been awesome. I've at times tried almost every single one of them. A couple new ones I'll give a shot. One that I find helps is drinking cranberry juice. It stings like a mutha, but then numbs them and dries them out. Also the cranberry juice cleanses the body to help get rid of the canker cooties.

I have sat out many a mexican meal and chili cookoff due to the damn things. I would only wish them on my greatest enemy, not you, dear. Hope you get yours numb soon.

Now that lots of people have told you that it's not herpes, I won't bother. Cold sores are herpes, cankle sores are just a pain in the ass.

I use prescription Orabase, thanks to my dentist. It's a paste that makes your lip stick to your gum overnight, virtually cutting off all oxygen to the sore. You wake up in the morning and BAM, all better. Monster cankles take two or even three nights, but the stuff really works. Hot Wife will love it, because once you apply it you won't be able to talk.

Well, as so many people said, canker sores ain't got nothing to do with herpes, but they ARE related to stress. And women generally get them during their periods.

... got something to tell us, Danny?

How about getting a canker sore every time you eat something that has eggs in it, but the doctors don't figure it out until you turn eighteen.

Oh and avoiding egg products is really easy, because it's not like they are in everything.

That is seriously hilarious, and if I don't stop laughing soon I am so getting fired...

**muffled laughter and snorting**

Seriously hilarious.

That is seriously hilarious, and if I don't stop laughing soon I am so getting fired...

**muffled laughter and snorting**

Seriously hilarious.

OMG. >shakes head<

Men...

Frick'n hilarious.

One thing that works for me, and i didn't see it anywhere else, aspirin. Dissolve a non-coated aspirin on the sore. It takes an hour or two, but it kind of dries it up and makes it numb if it works right. Hardest part may be where the sore is located and getting the aspirin to stay on it.

Good luck and keep up the posts.

Another vote for Glyoxide. Unlike Oragel, Glyoxide doesn't hurt. At all. Promise.
The way I usually respond to those who incorrectly comment "yanno that's really herpes" is something along the lines of "wow so that donkey show that I participated in last week was likely a bad idea then huh?" Dumba55es.

Just be happy you don't wear braces on your teeth as well. That makes for frequent and painful canker sores

I know you've had a lot of suggestions so far, but here's the best one yet. Oral sex. Yes, you read that right. Not with you on the giving end, of course, but on the receiving end. You'll forget all about that danged canker sore!

Try L-lysine. Take it before you feel the sore coming in and it may never come in at all. And it helps them heal a lot faster.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, and why yes, it hurts like a mofo, but if you put a pinch of salt on the sore, and let it fester and hurt, then rinse your mouth out? It cuts down the "sore is there ouch" time by at least 80%. If I can handle it, you can handle it. I have mentioned it hurts, right? But it's worth it -- really.

~wimp~........ok ok I didn't mean it, I'm just grumpy cause I haven't got laid in awhile!

Was out blogwalking, stumbled in here, you're hilarious, thanks for the giggle!

I hate commenting on blogs, but I have had so much, too much experience w/ these things. Husb and kids, too.
SO, A#1: I've had more than one doctor tell me that, while canker sores ("trench mouth" in our family -anything that hurts so badly, and makes me want to jack-slap somebody, has to have a name that is reminiscent of a dying man lying in a trench in the the Civil War, covered in mud and accidentally killing his brother)don't start as herpes, after your 1st outbreak of canker sores, you will most likely move right on to the cold sore bullshit. Where I killed my brother last week...
B#2:Get Lysine and Vitamin C tablets and take both frequently (or swallow many Lysine tabs a day w/ a glass of OJ) seriously works.
and, C#3: If you get the cold sore (pray no) put iodine on.
That's it.
Good luck.
C

I hate commenting on blogs, but I have had so much, too much experience w/ these things. Husb and kids, too.
SO, A#1: I've had more than one doctor tell me that, while canker sores ("trench mouth" in our family -anything that hurts so badly, and makes me want to jack-slap somebody, has to have a name that is reminiscent of a dying man lying in a trench in the the Civil War, covered in mud and accidentally killing his brother)don't start as herpes, after your 1st outbreak of canker sores, you will most likely move right on to the cold sore bullshit. Where I killed my brother last week...
B#2:Get Lysine and Vitamin C tablets and take both frequently (or swallow many Lysine tabs a day w/ a glass of OJ) seriously works.
and, C#3: If you get the cold sore (pray no) put iodine on.
That's it.
Good luck.
C

These comments are so funny. 'quit felatin the neighbor's dog' is my favorite! You have great commenters.

I hate it when people give me medicinal advice. So here is mine. They actually make stuff called "Kanka" at Walgreens which is more or less a numbing solution and it works great. Tastes like shit, but who cares, it's better than what a canker sore feels like.

I've had 3 kids and childbirth DOES suck, but seriously canker sores are high on my list of things that suck on a regular basis. I've had more than 3 canker sores.

Hey, here's something you can file as 'NO HELP AT ALL': I've never had a canker sore. Weird, right? I have absolutely no idea of what you speak. Of. But it didn't stop me from laughing my ass off, and misplacing it.

Sorry about your lucifer-lip.

I've had 3 kids too, and while that pain was debatably worse, at least I got 3 kids out of the deal.

I hate that moment when my toothbrush slips and jabs into my jaw and I just know one's coming the next day.

Don't put crazy shit in your mouth (Carmex? that's evil on the outside of your face!) The only thing that I find "helps" (and yes, I use the term loosely) is a good swishing with Lysterine. That stuff hurts the inside of your mouth without injury, but it's excruciating on a Canker. However, pain is an excellent pain killer. After the initial sting, it subsides for a while (long enough to fall asleep?) and the bacterial action seems to speed up their disappearance. I've had a lifetime of these little f***ers and only recently found this with the mouthwash. It ain't a cure, but a catylist. I wish I could make my kids do this, but they don't like needles let alone self-inflicted excruciating pain on the premise that it will "go away faster, I promise!" Ha! Lying Wench! (they have very pointed glares)

Thanks for verbalizing a life-long affliction for me as well. You have taken that cloud of $%*#&$ above my head when I get one of these, and organized it into very eloquent profanity. I like eloquent profanity. I'm going to bookmark this and come back the next time I get one. Not that it will make me feel any better...

Have you been sharing Chap Stick with total strangers again?

One of the most painful things I've experienced (and I've also given birth no meds three times and have passed multiple kidney stones) was a blocked and infected salivary gland.

Makes fellatin' anything excruciating.

As ridiculously over-the-top as this all seems, I guarantee you that I hate canker sores worse than you.

We'll have to have a Canker-Hate-Off sometime, and you will be humbled. If it's even close at some point, I will inevitably bite one while eating and then you will be destroyed.

P.S. You are still awesome-- don't feel bad.

Yeah those suck. I have one right now in fact, and I get them whenever I am stressed. I usually buy these little pre-medicated swabs made by Xylactin (I think) and they work well for the duration of a meal. I also found that dabbing it with hydrogen peroxide a couple times a day helps it heal faster. Good luck!

The problem seems to be the cilantro. Perhaps it is your desire to eat the devil weed that causes the devil mouth.

You should totally try MY home remedy. It involves hydrogen peroxide, lemon juice, cayenne peppers, gunpowder, and dihydrogen oxide. Or was that my anti-gopher formula.........? *Dialing Bill Murray*

I am amazed at how many people don't know the difference between "cold sores/fever blisters" and "mouth ulcers/canker sores". Campho-phenique is the cure. I mean that literally. After a nanosecond of sting, it NUMBS it and sort of cauterizes it (no actual burning involved, and don't forget it is numb by now) at the same time. One treatment is usually sufficient, the most I have ever used it is twice on one huge mo'fo' canker sore. Comes in either a liquid or gel, the gel is less likely to migrate to the rest of your mouth. Use a Q-tip for applying either one. The taste isn't too pleasant but that doesn't last for long, and you won't notice it because you will be in amazement that your mouth doesn't hurt anymore. Try some Prilosec or one of the other acid reducer pills to cut down the acidity in your stomach and saliva if they keep coming back.

So I've been reading your blog for a while now and quite enjoy it, but I believe this is my first de-lurk. Because THIS is a topic I have some serious first hand experience with.

Imagine this, if you will.

Take this canker sore on your lip, now move it to the back of your throat and times it by 20. Or 30. This my friend, is called throat ulcers. I was the lucky recipient of this lovely disease, given to me by my boyfriend (now husband). We had them for a week. Over a week, for me actually, and you want to know what I ate during that week? Nothing. Not a single thing. It hurt so bad I would save up my saliva so that I wouldn't have to swallow as often. I cried each time. I lost 12 lbs that my already wasted body didn't have to give (this was in high school, and yes, I was one of THOSE girls...), my boyfriend / husband lost 10. I know the pain well and sympathize!

My husband still gets them every once in a while, a few here or there, and the only thing he's found that helps is Ambisol (ugh) and Ulcer Ease, a horrible smelling gargle wash you can get online (drugstore.com).

And...that's it. :) Sorry for the length, I just get so worked up over the dreaded canker sore...

I just realized I may have implied I was a slut. I wasn't, I swear. I was your typical anorexic / food disorder girl.

Trying to clear my good name... :)

I can tell that none of you whiners has ever had an ingrown hair in your nostril. There is only one spot on your entire body that has more nerve receptors. We are talking tears flowing and incoherent noises and moans as you try to swear.

Canker sores? Shit, I eat them for breakfast...

yes yes yes.

Yeah Canker Sores... oooohh I know what you're talking about.

You know how some people get some pimples when they get stressed out? Or I don't know, bad breath or wathever... I get mouth ulcers. like 3-4 of them at once. Some people tell me its a vitamin disorder (Take more Vitamin B12!! Vitamin E! Vitamin C) , but nothings fixes it. Just plain waiting. And crying.

I've tried every possible remedy that exist. Either they make you bleed and screem your lungs out, or they make your mouth taste like shit and your entire mouth is frozen for like 30 secs.

Nothing works man. And if 1 other guys tells me "ah yeah i know those, just rince your mouth with salt water and it goes away", I will kill him. I swear, did you try to rince your mouth with salt water when you have 4 canker? Probably putting Tabasco sauce directly on it would be friendlier.

Sorry to hear about the canker sores. I get those a lot--from stress. What has helped me is L-lysine (500 mg daily, 1000 mg daily when I have a canker sore) which also helps your immunie system in general. Also, I switched from regular toothpaste to toothpaste without sodium lauryl sulfate (a lot of people are actually allergic to that chemical, which causes toothpaste to get foamy when you brush your teeth) since that can cause OR aggravate a canker sore. And I can't say enough about those over the counter medicines you can get which basically form a seal over the sore until it heals. Good luck!

oh my god, i love you.

i checked out your website after stumbling across your article in good-housekeeping ("Roller Daddy" June 2008) and wanted to say that I think you are brilliantly witty, my kind of guy, and i am officially hooked :)

Here's my gross addition to the comments. I had a very sore mouth a couple of years ago. I thought it was my jaw or something wrong with my teeth. The dentist asked if I was under stress, to which I replied, "STRESS?! WHAT? WHY DO YOU ASK?!!

Yeah, I had stress-related canker sores all over the roof of my mouth, under my tongue and along my gums. It's like I had eaten nothing but Sweetarts for 30 years.

It sucked.

I'm with you! And do you know that after a dozen, yes a dozen years together, my husband still says that crap about the herpes?!?!?!

I'm with you! And do you know that after a dozen, yes a dozen years together, my husband still says that crap about the herpes?!?!?!