I’d like to sit down with the shitfuck who invented canker sores and give him a piece of my mind. I mean seriously: what the hell was he thinking? What kind of psychopath comes up with a mouth sore that plants itself on the inside of the lips so that every time it comes in contact with a piece of food it feels like you’re being stung with extreme malice by an angry colony of wasps – IN YOUR MOUTH!

I’ve had some pretty healthy interactions with pain in my life. I’ve had surgery on my crotch. I’ve had teeth pulled. I’ve been kicked in the balls. I’ve been stabbed with a mechanical pencil. Shit, I even had an entire backyard swing set go ass-over-tea-kettle and land on my head. But none of that pain even remotely compares to pure agony that washes over me when a teeny, tiny piece of cilantro – CILANTRO! – comes in contact with one of these mouth ulcers. You wanna know what it feels like? Go out to your garage, grab a flathead screwdriver, and drive that sumbitch right through your bottom lip. I’m serious, man. If I ever find the guy who invented these things, I’m gonna light him up.

Plus, why’d he have to give it such a stupid name? What the hell is “canker” anyway? Is that like cankles? Did he mean to call it a cankle sore? Idiot! He should have given it a name that more appropriately articulates the excruciating pain that makes your eyes water and your butthole pucker and your face shrivel up like your great grandma’s after you and your sister get all hopped up on Grolsch and decided to offer her a bite of a tangerine that was actually a sour-ass lemon. “Canker sore.” Pfft. They should call it devil mouth. Shit lip.

And you know what really sucks? There’s nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You have to sit there and wait it out like a moron. It’s like watching a porno and not being able to fast-forward over the talking parts. Oh, there are all sorts of over-the-counter swabs and stuff, but have you ever tried those? Good gravy! If a piece of cilantro can send you to your knees, imagine what happens when you put some pinkish goo on there. You’d swear Lucifer himself is trying to burn down the world and he’s starting with your face.

Oh, but here’s the very worst part: other people. You know those people who know only as much about medicine as they can learn by watching Grey’s Anatomy? And yet they feel compelled to puff out their chests and get their Hugh Laurie on every time you tell them something hurts? Yeah. Them.

“Ouch! Dammit!”

“What? What is it?”

“I’ve got a damn canker sore and it hurts like a mother.”

And then you get this. Every single time.

“You know, canker sores are a form of herpes.”

Oh really, Sherlock? Thanks. That helps me SO MUCH. Did you learn that little tidbit at your Can’t Get Laid Anonymous meeting?

People fuckin’ piss me off, man.

Comments

Holy crap, Danny, I"M CRYING with laughter now. Am at work. Sorry about the cankle sore/tiny bit of Lucifer on your lip.

Oh my god. The porno analogy is priceless.

Sorry about your Herpes of the mouth. You did know you've got herpes, didn't you? Yeah, they hurt like a sumofabitch! I'd tell you about my grandma's remedy, but I'm afraid you might throw something at me if I did. Right through the computer screen.

To the demure ladies I met at the park today while wearing a Dad Gone Mad t-shirt (and subsequently told to run, not walk, to their nearest computer to read this awesome website):

I'm sorry.

;)

My six year old got her first one not to long ago. They suck.

What works (seriously and doesn't hurt) - mix peroxide and warm water (same amount of each) and use it as a mouth wash. Taste like crap but it makes them go away quicker.

I'm breathless with awe and respect. And here I thought I was the master of hyperbole.

Dude, you have herpes. I'm afraid to keep reading your blog for fear I might catch it too! You're right though, there is NOTHING worse than mouth pain and the fact that it takes a jillion times longer to heal because it's in your wet fucking mouth that never dries or gets air to it. It's not like you can slap a bandage on it and leave it to heal. Sorry for your pain.

You just equated canker sores to porn. Dude, you have issues. And scabies.

i use saltwater and they go away faster. a little. and then i come here and you make me laugh. a lot.

I'm thinking right about now you wish you could rip off that bastard and hurl it out the window back to hell where it came from.Since that's not possible go and watch some porn and skip through all the talking and rub one out.That should take your mind off it for a few minutes.

I have had more canker/cankle sores then I care to admit. So now that everyone knows I have herpes, I will pass on a tip my aunt gave me that actually WORKS - I swear. I know you have been given the peroxide/salt water/ etc/ etc/ suggestions, but this one, I swear to god, really works. You look like an asshole while you are doing it, but afterwards, sweet relief.

OK. Ready ? Take a teabag - BLACK TEA, like Lipton or whatever, and make a cup of tea. Find someone to drink the tea, you take the soggy teabag and put the darn thing on your canker/cankle sore. Warning - if you have not squeezed the teabag out first, you will immediately have tea all over your face and shirt, so squeeze teabag first. Sit like that, sucking on a teabag with teh string hanging out of your mouth, for as long as you can take it. You should be 100% better by the next day (I do it at bedtime after brushing teeth, etc.)

I hope this works for you, or I am going to feel like a douche. Let me know, OK ?

Ok. First of all, canker sores are not a form of Herpes. Cold sores, however, are a form of herpes. That said, I am suffering from a fargging canker sore myself. Right now. Way down deep. Here's the suckass part. MY TONGUE CANNOT STOP GOING DOWN THERE TO CHECK THE BASTARD OUT! What the hell is that about?

Colagate makes a product called Orabase Sooth and Seal. It will cover the canker sore and not allow any food/saliva to aggravate the area. Check it out, it works (my mom told me about it when I had one, she is a dental assistant).

actually, you DON'T (nessicarily) have herpes. COLD sores are caused by herpes and almost always occur on the OUTSIDE of the mouth, Canker sores can be caused by lots of things including acidic foods and stress and always occur INSIDE the mouth.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/canker-sore/DS00354

also, google for pictures of cold sores... nasty nasty and NOT canker sores!

Danny:

Sorry to hear about it. I feel your pain, bro. Well, not literally, lucky to have never experienced the wonder that is a canker sore. I have had to use some of that industrial strength devil-juice on my lip to heal chronic splitting (never did find out for sure what caused THAT), and it sounds a lot like the pinkish goo. Except that it was brown. Brown like backwash from a septic tank. A septic tank filled with turpentine with a thousand flaming anti-mosquito candles floating on top. You know, the kind soaked in camphor or citronella or whatever the hell that stuff is; they say it comes from trees or some shit but to me it reeked of petroleum products. The first time I used it, I thought I was going to curl up in a ball around my face, it STUNG (stang?) like the proverbial mah'fahker. I was in tears and trying not to gag. It dries into a plastic like shield and you leave it on overnight. MMMM, tasty (hurl). Talk about morning breath.

Hang in there. Like cheap beer, this too shall pass.

So glad that canker sore suffers do not automatically have herpes. I feel like a whole new woman. If stress causes them, then we have a diagnosis, ladies and gentleman. Parenthood and deadlines lead to canker sores. Or cankle stores. Or whatever the hell you call that devil rot. Do you think it is possible for the sore to actually go all the way through the lip, to the outside ? Like a hole ? That would SUCK.

Wow, I learned something today. First I was going to point out to you that "canker sore" is a much better term than "herpes", isn't it? But then you went on to say you know it's herpes. And then some commenters went on to say that canker sores are NOT herpes, it's cold sores that are herpes. So I did image searching on the google to find out what each one looks like, and it turns out that all these years it's canker sores I've been getting, not cold sores. So maybe I don't have herpes after all. Teh yay!

at least it's not on your privates. you'd look so stupid with a teabag on your junk.

mck.

Good Lord. You've done it. You've accurately described not only what a canker sore (or cold sore - whatever floats your boat) feels like, but also what it feels like to have some one try to school you about what the canker actually is. Thank you. You freakin' rock, man.

Carmex.

I really and truly feel your pain.

My final year of college, I had a canker sore that lasted almost all of a semester and was the size of a dime. I swear to you that 18 years later I still have a faint scar on the inside of my lower lip from that mofo.

Years later, I was telling a doctor friend about this. He gave me a funny look and started asking me some questions about my diet during senior year. It immediately became clear that my meals of Cool Ranch Doritos and Ben & Jerry's had led me to start to develop scurvy. In 1990. Luckily, I went home for Christmas and ate normally for a few weeks, including lots of veggies and fruits, and my mouth healed.

Shit. This must be why you are so damn cranky all the time. You have shit lip. Totally makes me want to offer you a sour candy then sit on you and hold it to your sore while you cry and writhe in agony.

Oh wait. I'm confusing you for my husband again. Sorry about that.

Add me to the list of people who fucking suck (which, ironically, I do, heh). The average canker sore lasts 11 days until it is completely healed and will hurt for seven of those days.

Just so you know.

Wink.

I'm so sorry, canker sores really suck. Thank you for sharing your pain with us though, I'm starting to notice that the more irritated/hurt/pissed you are, the funnier you are. I was having a total shit evening, thank you for forcing me to crack a smile!

Ok, I don't usually do that, "omg! best. line. evah!" business but this:

"You’d swear Lucifer himself is trying to burn down the world and he’s starting with your face."

is one of the funniest lines I've ever read.

And agree with some others here: canker sores are not herpes. Cold sores, those hideous, ugly beasts that show up at the MOST inopportune times, those are, medically speaking, a form of herpes. (It does not mean you HAVE herpes in your privacy, it's a form.) And be careful, those things are contagious. If someone with a cold sore has touched said cold sore and then touches something you touch later, and you rub your mouth or nose, you can get it as well.

They are NOT a form of herpes. Are they?

Anyway, you have a gift with profanity.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Hmmm... so I suppose I shouldn't tell you about how you can take salt and push your finger covered in salt onto the canker sore and seal it, huh? I'm guessing that might be more painful than the cilantro.

Yeah, my FIL calls them 'Whore Bumps'. Niiiice.

Oh...and you might try taking Lysine...it's in the vitamin dept.

I am seriously dying. I get your posts through an RSS feed so it's all jumbled up with whatever else is happening that day. For whatever reason I thought I was reading a post from a semi-serious/professional public health site that I read regularly and I was all DUDE, this guy is out of kilter! But it was Danny all along. V.funny!

Alum...tastes awful, gut can make it better by the next day!

"But", not gut. I should learn to proofread.

You big wuss! Only 1? Check this shit out....and she is 4. http://www.hope4peyton.org/2008/wow-this-sucks/

Now suck it up!

+1 for the Orabase Soothe and Seal, but the only difference between S&S and just plain liquid-form crazy glue is the special swabs.

So. Dry it off with a cloth. Put on one drop of liquid super glue, hold lip away until it's completely dry. Major improvement.

The other option is to swish with a mixture of liquid maalox and children's benadryl for three minutes, then spit.

Poor guy, I feel your pain.

About ten minutes before you eat, apply a canker sore medicine that creates a film over the ulcer. Ora-jel makes several kinds and some other brands do too. Then after you are through eating, rinse with a warm salt water solution several times and rinse before bedtime as well. If the salt water stings you can add a pinch of baking soda to buffer it.

This advice comes from a nurse who worked her way through college in a dentist office, who has taken care of multiple ENT patients with mouth injuries, and is personally prone to canker sores. But, you know, feel free to ignore it.

LOL@the herpes comment. It's funny because it's true.

That is pretty funny. And these comments are great too LOL Thanks for the laughs! oh, and hope your lip is healing better with the tea bag string hanging out for as long as you can. *trying not to laugh, but wearing huge stupid grin anyways*

Holy shit, that was the laugh I needed after a hell-filled night with two little ones, four big kids with tons of homework that apparently none of them had a brain enough to do alone, and a husband out of town! I couldn't drink the beer fast enough to make it all better, but reading this post did! :)

Seriously...like some lady above said...Orabase Gel. It's a grey, gritty stuff that sticks on like glue and over night will cure that bad-boy. Really! Would I lie to a guy who can't wait through the talking in the porno?

I used to get them regularly, and hate, hate, hate them. Two years ago I switched to the Biotene mouthcare system using their dry mouth gel toothpaste and mouth wash. End of the sores. Sometimes, I get a sensitive spot if I bit my mouth, but by using a bit of extra toothpaste more often on it, it does not get painful. There is something in regular toothpaste that contributes to those sores.

I get them periodically on my tongue. Mine seems to be caused by having too many acidic products (tomatoes, ketchup, orange juice, etc.) and as soon as I lay off for a day or two, it goes away. Maybe that is the case with you? Just a thought.

I laughed so hard I think I peed my pants! Canker Sores and Porn! Fantastic.
And since you have already been bombarded with all of the other home remedies you don't need mine.
Good Luck!

Hubby suffers from these all the time. They do suck, majorly! He had a rash of about 50 (not exaggerating!) when he had his wisdom teeth out. It was horrible, for both of us. Neutralize the acids in your mouth with a baking soda rinse when you have them~ heals them faster, also switch to baking soda toothpaste. And if they are a real problem, lyceum tablets once a day, forever. Better than a teabag... right?

Man, you nailed it.

Just wanted to say awesome site and very good blogs!

Just wanted to say awesome site and very good blogs!

Cold sores are a form of herpes. Canker sores are a form of ULCER. You are under too much stress.

seriously..the waiting it out with those fuckers is brutal. i so feel your pain.

but worse than surgery on your crotch??? really?

Am I the only Bob who's stopped by? I'm not sure that I'm happy to have your canker sore named after me. or is it only the post that's named after me? in that case, go right on. I'm up for my 15 seconds of fame, even if it's associated with cankle/canker/jeezuswillthepainneverend sores.

Have you heard of Glyoxide? I get those Sonsabitches all the time and Glyoxide takes the pain away and heals them faster than any product I've ever used. I find it on the toothpast isle at Wal-Mart. Hope you feel better soon!

PS: Love the BLOG

I can't believe I am even going to weigh in on this, but I feel your pain, Danny, literally. The worst was a couple of years ago when something like fourteen (let me say that again, four-fricken-teen!) of the little bastards popped out at the same time. Yeah, I feel ya, I have had surgeries that hurt less. I looked into it after that, and yeah, acidy foods and stress can get you, but so can your own toothpaste. Turns out one of the ingredients that makes it frothy (sodium laurel sulfate, sodium lauterth sulfate) dries out your lips and gums, just a enough, and can help provide a good breeding ground for the little cankles. I tried it, switched up my Crest for something without the dreaded ingredient (Sensodyne Pronamel, if you are wondering) and the damned things almost never show their evil little heads anymore, and if they do, they are tiny and go away in 1-2 days. Ekk. I-ma shuttin' up now.

If canker sores are ulcers, then it's caused by a bacterial imbalance. Stress aggrivates a lot of conditions, but doesn't cause most of them. I would suggest buying L.Acidophilus tablets. It's a digestive tract flora, considering your aversion to dairy products, you prob don't consume much in food and may even help with your digestion of them. The teabag (he, he) idea works if you have a sty on your eye, too.

Dude needs a hug. And just in case you needed to find out more info...

http://www.herpes.com/Treatment.shtml

"You are not alone".... but I sure as hell ain't with you. lol