Oh Nine
In 2009, I resolve to:
1. Become a member of Coldplay.
2. Learn the entire dance from the Thriller video.
3. Invent a machine that will pick my nose for me.
4. Run for elected office with the same slogan I used to run for Treasurer at Sycamore Elementary School: “Vote for Danny or he’ll kick you in the fanny.”
5. Be a little more gangsta.
6. Convince President-Elect Obama to nominate me for Secretary of Being A Little More Gangsta.
7. Hire someone to stalk me.
8. Learn a new mental health joke to tell on my book tour. The only one I know now is, “A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap, and the doctor says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’”
9. Market RAGE guerilla-style by crank calling radio talk shows, perhaps pretending to be a member of Coldplay or the Secretary of Being A Little More Gangsta, and saying those who fail to read it are probably domestic terrorists.
10. Two words: Kate Winslet.
#2b -- Also learn some of Madonna's moves. At least she's a bit more masculine than Jacko.
#5 -- I've never heard of a Jewish gangsta. This could be an interesting year.
YES!!!! I've been trying (not really) to learn the Thriller dance ever since the video aired. Excellent resolution.
:D
Hope you had a great Christmas!
How much would you be willing to pay someone to stalk you anyway?
Also, when inventing your nose=picking machine, make sure to test it on someone other than yourself, just in case of malfunctions.
I am right with ya on the Thriller....I can remember back in the day, actually being late to school, to stay home and watch the video on MTV....this is when Downtown Julie Brown told you they were going to play it at 7:52 AM......
great list. I liked how you kept is simple and realistic. Kudos
Inventing a machine to pick your nose for you would take all the pleasure out of doing it yourself!
If you learn the Thriller dance, post it on You Tube. It'll go viral and that's all the marketing you'll need for Rage.
Danny,
As far as your #10, she may be easy on the eyes but in the more important areas there is nothing to write home about. Her latest - she is offended by a term "statutory rape": http://althouse.blogspot.com/2008/12/kate-winslet-is-so-offended-by-use-of.html
Q. What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a mental health patient?
A. The mental health patient doesn't REALLY think he's God.
Maybe this t-shirt will help you along in your gangsta quest:
http://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?randomizer=1363507968&action=detail&item=AW2402T
For years my son belonged to a group of teens who performed Thriller every year for fall festivals and Halloween celebrations. They all dressed up like the undead and I became very good at doing their makeup. It was awesome! Good resolution!
When you invent the nose picker, please keep the picking appendage small. Remember, your nostril will stretch to the size of your finger (always use your pinky).
Danny:
Ambition bites the nails of success, so you must be down to nubbins by now!
I'm pretty sure you could get someone to stalk you for free.
Not exactly a mental health joke, but try yelling this: "A giraffe walks into a bar and says 'THE HIGHBALLS ARE ON ME!!"
That's a freebie, yo.
Bossy stalks therefore she is. We can do business.
I was going to offer to stalk you for for free, but it appears that Bossy beat me to it.
I DO have a way with Sran Wrap. Just sayin'...
That's a way better list than what I've got so far. My one and only resolution is to just. stop. eating. But yeah. That's everyone's, right?
Can I recommend...
11. Refer to it as aught nine.
You should learn the dance to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g and post it on youtube.
This might also help with being more gangsgta
Funny. I also resolved to learn the Thriller Dance. And learn more Greek. And buy Rage Against the Meshugenah by some crazy dude whose blog I read. ;) lol. Enjoy the new year.
Be a little more gangsta...love that one! In fact your entire list is sheer brilliance, except for the Kate Winslet part. Let's flip it to Leonard DiCaprio and we've got somethin'.
Man goes to the doctor with a steeringw heel down his underwear.
"Doctor can you help me please? I have this steering wheel down my shorts"
" well how did that get there?"
"I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
#8: That's one of my favorites. How about this one for a follow up?
What's the difference between God and a Psychiatrist?
God knows he's not a psychiatrist
I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty awesome at the Thriller dance.
A guy walks into a psychiatrists office saying, "I'm a TP I'm a Wigwam. I'm a TP I'm a wigwam."
The Psychiatrist says, "You're too tense."
OK...I usually lurk, snort and giggle, then move on. This is funny stuff! I choked on my coffee reading this. I must admit I would totally vote for a gangsta running under the "Danny/Fanny" slogan! Rage has been added to my Amazon wish list!
Great list, especially for this last year of the Noughties. (If only I'd known they were called that, I'd have had so much more fun this decade.)
There is a t-shirt that has each move of thriller on it.. It was on Woot.com
This guys walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head.
The psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?"
The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."
*ba dum ching!*
DGM...my two words: DO.IT!!!
PS...Wearing my Hot Wife tee out on New Year's!!
This list makes getting into my skinny jeans seem easy. Therefore, I shall add to my resolutions...
#2 Mark Wahlberg
The saran wrap one is my favorite, but here are some other ones...some from the psychiatrist girlfriend.. the last one is a true story :)
A guy goes to a psychiatrist's office and says, "I think I am a dog". The doctor replies, "Get off my couch!"
A guy goes to a psychiatrist's office and says, "I am having suicidal thoughts". The doctor replies, "That will be $250 up front"
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and another to hold the penis...ooops. I mean ladder.
(this one is true)...On our second date two years ago... the psychiatrist asked me, "So, what do you think?" I responded, "I think I am trying to get you on my couch".
good resolutions
OK, I LOVE that you are vowing to learn the Thriller dance (me too ever since I saw that Vitamin Water commercial) and to be more gangsta (as white as I am it isn't going to happen for me, but, whatever.)
Here's a joke for your collection..
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
Here's to 09!
This young psychiatrist, fresh out of residency, joins the practice of a psychiatrist who's been working for 40 years. On the Friday of the second week, the young and old psychiatrists are taking the elevator to the parking garage. The young psychiatrist looks like the world has run him over with a truck: His hair is mussed, his tie is loose, he has sweat stains under his armpits, papers are sticking out of his briefcase, the whole bit.
On the other hand, the old psychiatrist looks as dapper as he did Monday morning: Bow-tie correctly tied, a bowler hat cocked at a jaunty angle, and a pocket square folded just so.
"How do you do it?" the young psychiatrist asked. "I have two suicidals, four kleptos, two that were molested by their parents, an aneorexic..." he trails off. "How do you listen to these human tales of misery day after day for forty years?"
The old psychiatrist buffs his nails on his tie, shrugs and mutters, "Who listens?"
---
The guy is driving by the state mental hospital when he gets a flat tire. Swearing, he pulls over to the side of the road. He gets out the jack and the lug wrench and the spare and gets to work. He removes the lug nuts and puts them where he's sure he won't lose them. After pulling the old tire off and putting the new one on, he looks around but can't find the lug nuts anywhere.
He's looking under the car, in the grass, everywhere he can think of, and getting more PO'd by the moment.
"Pssst," he hears.
He looks over, and standing on the other side of the fence separating the grounds of the state mental hospital from the rest of the world is a patient, his fingers interlaced through the chain-link fence. "Pssst!" the patient says again.
"What?" the guy snaps.
"Just take one lug nut off of each of the other wheels. You can get to town on three lugnuts, and buy spares at the Kragen's."
The guy nods and bends to his task. Over his shoulder he says, "That's actually a really good idea."
"Hey," the patient says, shrugging. "I'm crazy...not stupid."
How much are you offering for a stalker? I might be interested in the job...lol!
Yes, be more gangsta. I'll be back in a flash with something to help you out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6Zc9NyYH-k
Okay see that? Don't do that.
Danny, my son can totally hook you up with #2. They did it at summer camp. No joke.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fIoKX_EJEc
It's pretty amazing how much better you are at blogging than most people.
I have been reading for well over a year and have gone through the archives and read everything there as well. You make me laugh out loud each and every time. I love the way you write and I cannot WAIT till your book comes out to buy it. Thank you so much again for letting us in.
LOL good stuff. More gangsta fa sho!
Eating Brains, Throwing Shapes
http://www.threadless.com/product/1588/Eating_Brains_Throwing_Shapes
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb???
Well, first the lightbulb has to want to change.
Sorry, it's the only one I know.
Also good luck with Thriller. Once you learn you cna teach it at prisons. ;-)