Screw It
There was a time in my life when I would have given a testicle to be asked for sexual advice, in part because the question would have implied that I HAD a sex life, which, at that time was by no means a given. If I was having sex with you during the late 1980s and early 90s, you were a tube sock. The only advice I could have offered at that point was to make sure you’re using an ample amount of fabric softener when doing the laundry.
Although I’ve been married to Hot Wife for more than 12 years and have thoroughly enjoyed the assorted salacious trappings sanctioned thereby, I still harbor a belief that I’m closer to Baby Ruth than I am to Dr. Ruth. In fact, my next book is going to be entitled, “Everything I Needed To Know About Sex I Learned From A Sock And That Saucy Little Teddy Bear In The Snuggle Commercials.”
I got an email from someone I don’t know.
“Danny,” it said, “I am part of the team over at Work It! Mom. (We like Dads too!) Work It! Mom has started a new collaborative blog called Problem Solved. We are looking for guest posters to address an array of issues. I would love to have you contribute, if you could fit us in. Would you be willing to tackle "How to have a sex life when you have kids"? A man's perspective on this would be kind of awesome.”
Before I even closed the email, I resolved not to participate. Bad idea. Touchy topic. And a website I’ve never even seen. But out of pure curiosity, I visited the site to see who specifically I would be offending if I changed my mind.
Turns out Work It! Mom is not your typical Hey-I’m-Bored-So-Let’s-Start-A-New-Site-Where-We-Can-Talk-About-Homemade-Crafts-And-Shoes-And-The-Stupid-Ass-Vampire-Movie. Quite the contrary, in fact. It’s content is written by some of the blogosphere’s most talented writers and insightful mothers. So against my better judgment, I wrote the sex article – but not the way they wanted me to.
I also have a favor to ask of you. The aforementioned figureheads of Work It! Mom have recently redesigned the site and are trying to stimulate readership. (Aren’t we all?) If you decided to head over to read my entry, spend a few minutes perusing the rest of the site. When you’re done, if you don’t mind, head back here and drop a comment telling us what you think about Work It! Mom: what you liked, what you didn’t, etc. By doing so, you’ll be helping some good people fortify what looks to me like a valuable an important online resource for women. Also, if you leave a comment between now and midnight Wednesday, you will be entered into a drawing for a $25 Amazon gift card. (If you win and you need help spending that, I may have a suggestion for you.)
***
My new favorite Spanish word is Espinaca. It means spinach. Say it with me: ess-pee-NOCK-ah!
***
I’m reading I Love You, Beth Cooper, which is impossibly funny. Thanks to Jen for the recommendation.
I’m listening to the live recording of “Bad” by U2, which is on the short list for My Favorite Song of All Time.
I saw Slumdog Millionaire. Using the Penthouse Magazine method of rating films, it’s “fully erect”.
There are a lot of ads on the site, but I understood that. I found that registering was a bit of a pain with the location thing. I didn't get that I had to click on what I wrote and then pick something else.
But aside from that it looks great. I visit every now and again, but I will visit more often now.
Disney vids? CHECK! Benadryl? CHECK! Now all I need is the Nintendo (for the kid, not me.)(Well, maybe me too).
Thanks, Danny! I'm almost there!
Like your style! Keep it up, will be back for more :)
That was great. You're so funny... you sexy bitch. I like the site, but feel like I don't belong because *sigh*, I work at home. Not sure if I qualify. Can I still be entered in the giveaway? ;-)
Glad you can tackle a topic like that...
If there is sex in my house I just hope to be involved...
Cross your fingers for me.
Jay @ HalftimeLessons
That had me laughing my ass off. Very curious about that text message conversation that didn't make it past the edits.
This is all the recommendation I need to go anywhere: not your typical Hey-I’m-Bored-So-Let’s-Start-A-New-Site-Where-We-Can-Talk-About-Homemade-Crafts-And-Shoes-And-The-Stupid-Ass-Vampire-Movie. Heh! This is why I am devoted to you.
Their new design is very pretty! The blocks are easy to negotiate. I sure hope Santa brings me a re-do for Christmas. I've been very nice! Could I get one with an Amazon gift card?
i love Work It! Mom. the only thing the site is missing is me...the hottest working mom of all. heh.
Loved you post there as always! Laughed my butt off. Spent some time on the site. I did enjoy it, think they have a pretty good thing going there. Have to agree with Domestic Extraordinaire that registering was a little bit of a pain, but now that's done I will return to the site.
I know this is off topic... but it just occurred and I figured I would want to share it with all of you for a good laugh.
My wife and I just ended our phone conversation with the classic parent ending.
ME: "...Okay, I'll call Mike and see if we are still on for Wednesday."
WIFE: "Okay."
Then the cries of my son can be heard in the background.
WIFE: "Wha.... Joseph..... Did you get you head stuck in there????? Gotta go.... bye (click)"
Watching 60 minutes naked would be interesting and cold. I found some interesting topics - very general, but can find answers and asks questions.
You are very funny. Keep it up.
I liked their Quick Tips. Though they haven't seen my microwave if they think it only takes 30 seconds to clean it.
Now, I'm off to buy a lock for my bedroom door.
I'm glad you wrote that article for them. Otherwise I may never have found Workit Mom and it looks really helpful. I don't have time to play on the internet to find these amazing sites. You are the one site put in my favorites that I visit consistently. I guess now I'll have 2. Thanks Danny!
I really like the way it was organized. The columns and color coding helped to sort out what would otherwise be a very busy page.
Thanks for the referral to Work it mom. Great site with good info and funny blogs. Keep up the good work here Dad!
I like Work it mom, glad to see you over there! I particularly like the fact that it has a clean layout, unlike many sites the same size. It's well organized which will help when they get bigger.
Nice blog, too!
Needs more dudes.
Okay...nice site. Once I spent a little time looking around I kinda figured out the format. Oh, I commented on your article, too.
Kudos.
Funny article Danny and good advice. I remember when my kids were younger, their Dad & I would sometimes take "naps" during the day. We'd plug in a video for them and they'd be quiet so we could "sleep"
Loved the post at Work-it Mom. New here and new there. Came via stumble. Subscribing to both.
I am SO not a lol kind of gal, but I totally LOL while reading your post. :) And I signed up for the rss feed of their site, so you can tell them you've successfully recruited another reader. Thanks for the link --- but thanks even more for that hysterical perspective!
Danny,
I need the Amazon gift card, not to get your suggested book ( i will get that when it comes out at the book store and you are doing a signing in the Philadelphia Pa area). I need it for new tub socks. I have two kids under 5 and one on the way....I have not been the sexy bitch in a while.
Work it mom site is interesting and has a simple look, but I do not like to register for sites like this. I know the demographic they are going for does not have penises but I for one do most of my blog reading from work and I prefer simple navigating when checking out site like Blogher and work it mom. And seriously both of these places should have a MILF section for the men who read blogs...Just saying.
Also I am sure you have seen the Mommversation videos over at dooce...and other places...when can we get to do Dadversations....which we could totaly parody (you know imitation is the sincerest form of flattery which is why i am always imitating my wife nagging me, I am just trying to flatter her.)
Our videos could be just a few seconds of guys, you know talking about sex after pregnancy. "yeah, I banged her." or talking about losing baby weight..."ah don't worry honey it is just more cushion for the pushin." I am sure you could get a crew together for this. let me know.
Grrrrreat article. Too too funny and too too true. Locks on doors... the key to having any sex at all. Heck I still have to lock the door to keep my "baby" girl who's 32 years old from walking in on my Hunk & I trying for wild monkey love ( Yes "old" people like sex too... our genitals don't fall off after 60 :p) Love your writing style and you make a fabulous addition to what looks like a great new web site. Cudos!
Great article - the Benedryl reference had me laughing out loud at my desk. Work It! Mom looks pretty good, and doesn't seem to mess around with the "how to be a super mom" crap these sites usually push. I'll definately go back again.
Nice article! I've been to that web-site before and liked it, but forgot to keep coming back. I'm glad you reminded me! I really like their quick recipe suggestions. I don't like washing lots of pots and pans either.
I found the site to be overwhelming at first. I'm a simple kind of girl, and when given an enormous amount of choices I just click away (normally). But, despite the fact that I am not a mom, I actually found something that I could enjoy. I liked the article called "Homemade for the Holidays: Do More With Less" because EVERYONE is trying to do more with less this holiday season. Plus, I LOVE baking!
And of course, the very BEST part of the site was the article about sex. Because who doesn't love sex? I'll try to remember all of the steps when I am married with kids someday.
I clicked over and there are some features on Work It I would go back to, like the Quick Recipes and Q&A. I did find the layout a little busy. I also think they could use some better graphics, as opposed to pictures of the writers for each article. But overall, I appreciate anything dedicated to working moms, so I like the idea of this website.
I basically agree with what has been said already. The site is a bit busy with ads. I have grown stepchildren so the kiddie stuff is of no interest to me but I do like the recipes. Love the idea of dads posting!!!
OMG "CSI: Applebees" had me falling off my chair. Great article and WorkIt Mom looks like a fun site.
Not really for me. I don't have kids, nor do I work. Not so many like me. It actually seemed a little unorganized to me.
You, however, never fail to crack me up.
I've been reading over there for quite a while, though I'm not a mom (I do work, unfortunately). I've always enjoyed Mir's column about juggling freelance writing work and her family.
Thank goodness for rooms on opposite ends of the house for some noise making freedom
I. am. afraid.
Hey great article you made me laugh as always! I like the site but it was a bit of a pain to register, but will definately visit the site again.
"CSI: Applebees"
I think I just peed my pants.
Since my kid is grown and I'm divorced, I could really use the Amazon GC to purchase a sex life. :)
I love Workit Mom. The new site is very pretty but for some reason my rss feed to Cornered Office stopped working with the new design.
I like Work It! Mom pretty good. I've visited their site for a while now. The best part, in my opinion, is all of the giveways they do. I love the daily deals, but mostly just the giveaways entice me to keep coming back.
Loved the article! Checked out the website and since it was my first time I couldn't compare it to the older version. I loved the recipies and the de-stress ideas.
Should I be lucky enough to win the gift certificate I'll happily buy your book (I will anyway)...will you sign it?
I didn't click through much of the material, other than your excellent piece. (Nice work on that - it was funny and light and seemed effortless.) The site is easy to read, has a nice professional layout, and the content appears to be easy to access. Not much appealed to me this evening, but maybe it was a little mom-centric for my tastes today.
Great article, and so true!
I already frequent Work It! Mom, but I'm glad your are plugging it. I love a dad perspective.
Your post there was enough to make me join so I could comment. I tooled around a bit, signed up for a spa giveaway, read a couple of blogs, and it was OK. Even though I am a working mom, I don't face a lot of the issues that other working moms face. My husband is the big bread-winner, mine is just gravy and personal enrichment. I don't make much working at our high school, but 95% of the time I am on the same schedule as our kids, so we also have no day care issues. I can drop them off at school in the morning and they ride the bus over to me in the afternoon. We get to go home and finish homework and have time to get ready for dinner. I don't work in the summer (nor do I get paid!). I am very, VERY lucky to be in the spot I am in. It's not that I don't find things I like at the website, but constantly debating whether women are held back in the workplace or whether at-home parents hate working parents makes me queasy.
I like the Work It Mom spot. I am fortunate to be able to stay at home, but lots of links were interesting to me. Thanks for the "contest".
I am off to find my husband...he will love reading your post!
Vodka works better than Benadryl...not that I tried it or anything...
and I could use that $25 to purchase a pretty cool book you advertised!
The new updates on Work It Mom are nice, but the ads are a bit too much....but understandable. I find the Quick Tips to be informative and handy.
I was totally confused when I went to read WIM tonight, was skimming and thought that suddenly demure Angella was calling herself a sexy bitch, which might have been even more awesome than your column. Or maybe not, because it was pretty damned funny.
Thanks for saying all you did about Work It, Mom. I've written for ten trillion websites and that one is by far the best. Also: very few insane commenters.
Lol. I can't wait to be a mom one day, but I guess I need to have all that sex first.
i read your article via Twitter and decided to browse around WIM, it was nice because it also has articles for work at home moms such as myself; most mom sites I've found are either "SAHM!" or working outside the home sites. it's nice to hear how others transition from 'work' to 'family' while still in the same house.
I didn't read too much of it though, I was too busy having crazy sex with my hot sexy bitch husband. Text messages = happy fun marriage.
P.S. CSI Applebee's...hilarious.
Bravo. Very, very funny! Congrats.
Nice site, but I think that on the main page, not enough space is allowed to see the actual articles. It seems to me that its only a small portion of the portal page for the titles, the rest is Tips, Ads, Titles, etc.
Anyways, just my 2 cents. And My post in the allowed timeframe.
i've visited work it, mom before and i really like chris jordan's contributions, plus the recipes.
nice article, btw.
Aaackkk, is that what my 18 year old son is doing behind locked doors? Loved the new site. Never have enough time to surf the internet, so your link was helpful!
loved your article. sent the link to my husband.
as for Work it, Mom, I dunno. Underwhelmed. I didn't want to register, I poked around but nothing caught my attention. maybe it's because I am neither a mom nor a worker (at the moment). I might actually feel there's too much stuff and not enough differentiation - it's all the same font and it's all blue...where do I look? why should I look further.
I can totally use a amazon gift card though. :-)
Thanks for the link and the article, I love hearing about great new sites!
Eh. It was ok. Easy to navigate, but not that exciting.
I thought it was bland and ho-hum. Unfortunately, the advertising smells of sell-out and is very obtrusive. I realize that's why you would start a blog ( for the ad dollars ) however they must be making a killing. K.I.S.S Keep it simple stupid, clean the design up and resign the ads to a specific place and it should get better.
Danny, Danny, Danny,
You poor guy. Only three times a month? Poor guy.
I have a buddy in North Carolina and one day on the golf course, he told three of us to enjoy being single as long as we can because when we got married we would only get it five times a week. No wonder he was always in such a good mood when he would stroll into the programs in the morning.
And you're only getting it three times a month? You poor guy.
OH YEAH - I forgot to add....
Two little kids are standing outside their parents bedroom door. The seven year old is looking through the keyhole into the bedroom. The three year old is standing outside yelling "I wanna see. Lemme see."
The seven year old turns to the three year old and says, "Now remember, this is the same lady who tells you not to suck your thumb."
I liked the pregnacy/pareting section...of course I'm alittle devoted to those topics at the moment as I have 2 1/2 months before I download my first virus....getting kicked by something inside of you is truely the weirdest feeling ever.
Loved the article Danny, you sexy beast! And, the Work It! Mom site is great. I liked the variety of topics and wide range of viewpoints. It's laid out well and easy to navigate.
Hmmm...Work it! Mom looks pretty neat to me..just one thing. I immediately saw the "teacher gift idea" link on the site so, being a teacher, I clicked on it. It said to get your chld's teacher a copy of The Little Engine That Could for the holidays. I say, skip it...every teacher has a copy already...get them your book instead! :-)
Also, being a teacher, I really CAN spell "child." That word's pretty important in my field. You'd just never know it by my previous comment. Sorry!
Sexy bitch! That is brilliantly funny...oh, sorry, and I'm sure very true! I love your writing. I can only imagine who you are IRL. The other website is very cool and I have sent the link to my gf who is a new Mom of two years. She'll love it.
Loved your post.
As for the website - What I liked: I like the bright colors and the ease of use. I also like the concept.
What I didn't like: Ads. BUT I do understand they are a necessary thing.
Overall, though, I think the website could use a little something more in the design department. Market researchers say that packaging can be half the battle for products on the shelf. For example, I bought Herbal Essences the other day, because I wanted to try the new formula, but I admit, I really dug the way the bottles looked. The shape and colors are memorable to me. Something about it reached out and grabbed my attention and now, that shape and color says, "Herbal Essences." So, I guess the design needs something to reach out and grab its audience.
Danny-
Loved the article. I bookmarked the Workitmom site. I will likely return and poke around a little more.
I agree that the design could use some work. I like the layout, but the photo navigation "boxes" are easily mixed up with the ad boxes. They all sort of blur together after a few minutes. I found it easy to navigate, and did read a few interesting items tonight.
How 'bout that gift card? RATM is on my A wish list...
...and William - EXCELLENT idea. Do it guys!
Jen
You are funny!
Excellent post, as usual. CSI: Applebees BWAHHAHA!
WorkIt has, like so many of your recommendations, been added to my Links. Thanks Again.
I like the website. I don't like the registration process. I can't make it work.
Fantastic article Danny! It felt like you loved writing it.
The site is, awkward for me, cause I don't "work," but since you asked I am going to register (bummer)and keep checking it out...
-Ashley
(FMA henna)
(sorry, FKA henna)
"I Love You, Beth Cooper" is an outstanding read. Can't wait for the movie.