My son’s assignment is to build a car out of a huge cardboard box and bring it to school next week for a “drive-in” movie in his classroom. All of the second-graders will line up their cars, sit inside them, snarf popcorn, and watch…wait for it…Cars. Sounds like a cute idea, doesn’t it? I thought so, too. Then we started building his car, and now I think it’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

I’ll cop to the fact that I don’t “do” crafts. Never have. I don’t like the feeling of glue on my fingers and my hands are too big to handle beads and if given the choice to make a castle out of popsicle sticks or choke on my own vomit, I’d say, “Pass the ipecac.” That said, there are certain rites of passage a boy must experience with his father, and building a car out of a cardboard box is clearly one of them.

We had 10 days to plan, so one night last week I told my son to get a piece of paper and sketch out what he wanted his car to look like. He returned 15 seconds later with a rectangle lined unevenly with three stripes: one red, one blue, one white.

“What’s this?”

“My car,” he said proudly.

“That’s not a car,” I said. “That’s a birthday cake.”

I will stipulate that this is the first time I have involved myself in a craft project of this magnitude, but I already have an important question for the teachers who would assign such a thing to an eight-year-old: Why? Why, when you know the creative capacity of most eight-year-old boys is on par with their ability to keep their fingers out of their noses, would you assign a task destined for conflict and rage? It’s noble to encourage bonding and teamwork and togetherness, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my kid do all the work and rain embarrassment down upon our family name when he shows up with a car that looks like the excrement of a refrigerator box.

So as not to break the poor kid’s spirit, I endeavored to let him think he was the primary decision-maker on the project even though it was clear to me that some creative over-ruling would be necessary. I initiated this strategy at the hardware store, where we went to gather paint and other necessary supplies. As previously discussed, we bought four cans of spray paint: two white, one red, one blue.

“Should we walk over to the automotive aisle and see what else we can find?” I asked him.

“Ooooh, yeah!”

One small reflector and one small rear-view mirror stick-on later, we were ready to get out loot home and commence the actual construction of The Evansmobile.

We set the box one some newspaper on the floor of our garage. I removed the top of a white spray paint can and showed my son how to make long, broad strokes from one end of the box to the other. I explained how saturation of one spot creates drips that leak down the whole side of the box and make our – er, his – car look sloppy. And then, very briefly, I demonstrated the technique for him. Then I handed him the can.

Thirty seconds later, I had seen enough. There was virtually no white paint on the box at all, but there was plenty on the garage floor and even more on my son’s hands. And some on his shoes. His shoes! I ripped the can from his hand and subtly scooted him aside with my hip.

“Move. Move. Move!”

“But, daddy I…”

“I’ll handle it from here,” I said.

“But it’s my proj—“

“I! Will Frickin’! Handle It!”

He ran inside to tell on me. But before Hot Wife could come out to mediate, I applied a perfectly balanced, totally pristine coat of white pain to the Samsonite box. When she finally did make it out to the garage, our sniffling son in tow, I was standing back, head tilted to the side, admiring my artistry.

“Danny,” she said sternly. “It’s his project.”

I said nothing. Didn’t have to. I merely pointed to the V-shaped splotch of white paint on the floor.

She looked at it, looked at me, then looked at him.

“Yeah,” she said. “Maybe daddy should handle the painting part. You can do the other stuff.”

“What other stuff?” he asked, irritated.

“You can put the reflector on,” I said.

He agreed to that compromise, but if he thinks I’m going to let him screw that up too, well…I’m not.

The moral of this story is this: never send a kid to do a man’s job. Even if that “man’s job” is technically meant for a kid, and even if the “man” doesn’t “do” crafts.

***

A new shipment of Hot Wife t-shirts has arrived. If you wish to receive one (or more) before Christmas Eve, please order before midnight, Dec. 20.

Comments

Make sure that it's lowered with shiny rims, otherwise it's just silly.

Get your hands on a Jazzercise sticker to slap on the back of the car. That'll build up his confidence

Been there. Done that. Hated those teachers!

If I was that kid I would have taken that spray can and sprayed your face. You know in school when you would see some kids project and think, 'obviously his parents did the whole thing'...

OMG!!! Hilarious! You captured the torturous hell of those "family projects" perfectly! If nothing else, Its great to know we're not alone in our disdain for these things- or how we handle them:)

You're not crafty? At least you're a guy. What's my excuse for the Nativity made out of a lunch bag, toilet paper roll (cut in half...you know, for Jesus' bed)...oh, and baby Jesus? He's a peanut (in shell) with a face drawn on with a Sharpie. Mary and Joseph are little, black film canisters. We should win for best Nativity made by a doofus mom.

This is SO how my husband takes over craft projects - like the grave stones from Halloween - now we have 2 half cans of "stone fleck" spray paint .. why? WHY? Straight up gray paint would have been fine, it's dark! Good Gravy from Heaven, let the frikken kids just do the stupid thing. *sigh, roll eyes* Dad pride. And mom's job is always "mediator" i.e. help daddy find things the kid can do without having to hear, "You're messing it all up, son."

We did this event and a pinewood derby in the kid's club for which I volunteered - it was pretty obvious the level of parental...involvement. Although I will say, the plain rectangular block of wood with wheels purchased the day of the event to appease a child who previously did not want to participate *almost* took first place for speed one year.

Isn't it incredibly hard to squelch the type-A tendencies when faced with kid projects? I have a 3 year old and we painted wooden spools the other day and I just could not help myself once he and the table were covered with 3 shades of blue and took over the painting.

Is it a Freudian slip that you "applied a perfectly balanced, totally pristine coat of white **pain** to the Samsonite box"?

'Cuz that's a craft project even my husband would be interested in.

Is it a Freudian slip that you "applied a perfectly balanced, totally pristine coat of white **pain** to the Samsonite box"?

'Cuz that's a craft project even my husband would be interested in.

My mom always just left us to our own devices with our craft projects, and everyone else's parents CLEARLY HAD HELP. And my California Mission/Diorama/WHATEVER was always decidedly lamer, so I think you should just go ahead with your plan to handle the spray paint.

I have so much PTSD from past "kid" projects that I can't even talk about it.

That's why I'm not having kids. Problem solved.

Its even worse when you ARE the crafty type and your kid is not. Then its time to do a project for a grade (diaramas, solar system, science fair)...How much do you help? Should you just do it for them? UGH!

The v-shaped paint spot is all the4 explanation needed. The fact that you put a spray paint can in the hands of a eight year old proves that you are a braver person than I am!

Are you going to "drive" the car for him too? Because that visual just made my day.

This is a funny post, but don't forget, the whole point of this is for your son to do something - not you, not for it to be perfect - but for him to try and maybe fail. he's 8, his motor-coordination isn't completely developed...I get that...but doing it for him isn't going to do him any favors in the long run. This is how we get kids in High School and college whose parents write notes to the teacher for extensions on paper and say things like: what can I do to get my son an A in this class?

Uh, nothing. Your son has to do stuff to get an A, thank you very much, not you. You completed your obligation to High School already.

It's a touchy subject for me - helping is OK. thinking it's your responsibility to make the best car in the class FOR your son - not your responsibility.

So I'm commenting as part of my effort in OCYB/BO, but I don't even need that as an excuse - this totally cracked me up! So like my own dad, and the husband, and well... er... me!

One word. Stickers.

I feel hot wife's pain, and my husband feels yours. Try building a robot with a kindergardener...... Said kindergardener is now in 4th grade and we have moved on to book reports with projects. I thought I passed school already. Why am I reapeating..... because I don't want my tender hearted son to look like a doofus. Love your blog. been lurking for a while now.

from a crafter to a non crafter... it is so hard to let my kid make mistakes and take the project to school anyway... but, I do. Cause that way she knows she can do it, plus I'm there if she asks for help (yeah like that'll ever happen, she is so stuborn, and won't let me help make it pretty... aghhh). Smile, you get to do it again if your daughter has the same teacher.

It's possible that you're a complete moron.

Your inability to predict potential futures and that your son could create and then properly mitigate is not your son's problem. It's yours.

And.

The teacher is a complete moron. Maybe. Unless said teacher is doing this to get your attention regarding their need for more funding and/or parental involvement. And then I'd say that you've been schooled.

BTW
This project is just the start. You've got a good 4 if not 8 more years of additional fun activities.

Go buy yourself a subscription to MAKE magazine and start figuring out how.

"Be The Ball" - Ty Webb

Remember when schools taught kids out of books? Really, this car one isn't so bad, but where is the educational value of building a diorama? And people wonder why our kids are lagging in science and math.

Personally, I get all kinds of annoyed when my kid's school attempts to mandate structured family projects. That's my job. You're a tolerant man, Danny.

Also, I taught my boy never to use the word "Diorama" in the house. When he tells me "I hafta do another Diarrhea for school," we both get some laughs, though my wife gets to yell at us both.

Hey, they kinda sounds like me... only, that's how I talk to my husband. We don't have kids. Yet. God help them.

Oh my GAWD. Substitude "Twilight diorama for middle school English class" for "movie car made out of cardboard and painted" and you have the hell on earth that was my week last week.

Geez, just shoot me and put me out of my pain. It almost makes me want to consider homeschooling, just to avoid "project-based" education, or whatever the hell this crap is. I. Hate. It.

I could totally see the kids sitting in their cars--the teachers pissed off cuz they have to move so much furniture out of the way.

Come summertime, you can turn him lose in the backyard with a can or two. . .

I get thet you're not crafty...but giving a kid SPRAY paint is just plain dumb! (Hi, spreading the love for OCYBO!) Washable poster paint and a brush is the way to go. Still, that would have been a lot less funny, so next time give him crazy glue!

"...the excrement of a refrigerator box."

Greatness arises from extreme circumstances. What a phrase!

Ladies and gentlemen, the genius of Danny Evans! (clap, clap)

Hey, will I be able to avoid this since I have a daughter? I hope?

Not likely IrishGumbo. Your cars will have GLITTER!

And of course, NO PHOTO!

Wow, quality preschool. My son wishes he went there.

OK, so i'm still following the "Operation" blog. Where is every body else? This was not a one day operation, but it goes until Jan 1. Maybe even longer. You lurkers know who you are, you need to give some more love!

By the way, I am now in 5th grade for the 4th time (once when I actually was 10 and then one time for each of my kids). I'm also in 7th grade and 9th grade simultaneously. You'd be surprised how much algebra you can remember!

So be thankful that it's just a silly project. Pretty soon, it will be hours of math!

I agree, where is the photo? And let me just tell you what a brave, brave man you are to actually hand an 8-year-old a can of spray paint. I applaud you just for that.

So far this year, we've had the Egyptian pyramid covered with sand (closely related to the kitchen floor covered with sand), the dress like your favorite Saint book report and the endangered species diorama. If my kids' teachers here about this "drive in" idea, you're in big trouble, Mister!

Just you wait till the science fair.

I have the same control issues.

Hilarious!

I'm going to unjustifiably brag for a minute and say that I know people in that movie... And by "know" I mean that there are a few brief scenes with the hosts and crew of my favorite morning radio show doing the voice work... 'Course only two of the five of them are still on the morning show, but I'm sure Pixar had nothing to do with that... Hmmm.....

Anyway, I too, would love to see a picture of the finished product.

Random tip, from a non/never-will-be father... next time, take him to the back yard. Unlike the cement floor in your garage, the grass will grow and you can cut away the evidence in time.

Love your blog!

I just had flashbacks of my Art projects, with both my stepdad and my Dad, and both being very kind to me while they argued with each other about letting me use the paint :) I turned out alright. Goofy but alright. Your kid, well, maybe hot wife will compensate.

Include me in the list of those who would like a photo.

My daughter's only three and a half, so I haven't had much experience with this. However, I have tried to let her wrap her own presents for my wife, but I always have to draw the line when she says she needs "more tape" after a full roll isn't enough for a small box.

Having a 7.5 year old son myself, I totally know how you feel about this project. We had a "decorate a giant gingerbread man" project that went completely awry when he insisted on using actual candy to decorate. Candy. On paper. Yeah, it weighed about ten pounds and doubled over like his IBS had kicked in after eating a tin of peanut brittle. It was a sad little gingerbread man. Delicious though, so I've heard.

My favorite projects always start at 10 PM the night before they're due, which is when I always find out about them...

Right now my non-crafty guy is helping our daughter build a sled for school (5th grade momentum experiment) and it's so hard for me not to kick them both out and build it myself. But they are having fun building it in between their bickering.

I wish my Dad had built my Pinewood Derby race car in junior high. Mine was so bad they wouldn't even let it race. That said, he did "help" me invent a cereal pour-er that was pretty kick ass.

Good Lord, are we are possibly the worst parents in the world? I'm sure my kids would once like a project to be something actually did rather than me telling them it isn't right, and doing it for them. I suck. You suck, too. In our Pinewood Derby we created an adult class so the parents would have to occupy themselves and leave the kids alone. I was way to competitive. I didn't care about "winning" just as long as I looked cooler and beat my ex-husband. (and I did). You should have shared a photo of your new car! :)

In Southern California, as a school project, the kids need to construct California-style missions. Lucky parents are allowed to go out and buy a kit. Regrettably, my son's 4th grade teacher required the class to build it without a kit -- you needed to be creative on your own. As you can imagine, this was a disaster. My only source of comfort was the knowledge that there were 25 other Dads up at 3 AM trying to finish the stupid project on behalf of their kids.

Since I am the overseer of Monday through Friday homework, I have assigned my husband the title of Mr. School Project this year. He and our nine year old recently completed a model of the human digestive system which was to be made entirely of household objects. Have you ever seen a large intestine made from old ballet tights? How about a pancreatic sponge? Let's just say my son learned a few new words for the last stop of the digestive system! At least we were able to get a holiday photo out of the whole mess by slapping a Santa hat on top of "Digestive Jim."

you need to post a picture of the car!!!

Send him my way. Here is visual evidence of my "expertise" in making cardboard cars. Clearly I'm a genius
http://www.thekitchenplayground.com/2008/in-which-we-discover-why-i-didnt-choose-costume-design-as-a-career-path/

Do I have time to send a SHARKS bumper sticker in the mail...it would look mighty fine on that car :)

I never really get the whole "bonding and teamwork and togetherness" aspect when doing a project like this. Somebody almost always gets hurt. Often times, it's the kid!

Please post a picture of the car when it is done!

My hubs had to build a contraption for picking up pecans (?!) as a kid. He did not have parental intervention, and so took in a pink breast-cancer awareness walking stick with duct tape on the end and proceeded to demonstrate how his ingenious device worked (put tape on bottom of stick, thrust taped end of stick at pecan, lift).

I would have taken the spraycan from him too, I just picture the paint ending up upon his clothes and somehow your shins. *sigh* I still can't spray paint. LOL

Yeah, those family project that are really PARENT projects - lots of experience with those! We have something called a "transportation parade" in our school district and we have had to help all 3 of our children build a vehicle for this Kindergarten parade. Basically, the kids strap on their cardboard vehicles and the kids walk around the school showing off their "work" but mostly it's a huge competition between the parents. You should see the stuff that some people come up with - like they started months beforehand! I could SO school you on how to make a cardboard police car, fire truck or Barbie Jeep!

Originally, I was laughing because the piece was funny.

Now I'm laughing because someone actually lectured you in the comments.

I will never cease to be amazed at... well... you know.

I wanna see the car. And pass judgment on your Car Crafting Skills. ;-)

My stepdad was great at "crafty" projects and I was great at just sitting back and letting him do them for me...lol!

Oh what a neat idea! Except for the work that goes into it. It's a shame they can't just use the cars from the previous year's second graders ;)

I laughed out loud at this post! I've added you to my list of regular reads. I hope your book sells well--I'm sure it will, having read the way you write here. Depression is a nasty thing (voice of expo here), and it takes a good voice with a sense of humor to write about it without being so heavy it depresses the reader.

I spent over a decade in Cub and Boy Scouts, and can honestly say the only project I ever completed myself was my Eagle Scout project - and that one only just.

I recall several years of Pinewood Derby cars (I still have them, 20 years later) my father painstakingly and meticulously crafted. My father's wood-working skills were bested only by his love of hot-rodding and toying with engines. The Derby was the perfect marriage of those loves, and all for my benefit; for the glory of his oldest son. The cars were silky smooth, painted with several coats, sexy curves, plastic windshields - the whole package. Some even had weights drilled into the rear end as tailpipes.

Of course the outcome of this affair is predictable to anyone who has ever socialized with humans (parental humans, mostly). I was not glorified. I was not revered. I was that kid all the other moms and dads whispered about; the boy who *obviously* didn't make that himself. The boy who's dad ripped the sandpaper and paintbrushes out of his hands. The boy who was sent crying to mommy while dad completed his project alone. My project.

I can pimp your cardboard box car, I have on stock 12 inch cardboard rims, cardboard spoilers, etc. You name it, I got it...lol

Oh what a neat idea! Except for the work that goes into it. It's a shame they can't just use the cars from the previous year's second graders ;)

It's a shame they can't just use the cars from the previous year's second graders